The End of 2009

2009 has been quite the adventure, and I'm hoping that 2010 is a much better year for us! Noly has changed so much in this past year with her comprehension and understanding, and Jule has changed so much physically. Noly went from being a toddler to being a little girl, and Jule moved from baby to toddler. They are both my joy, and I love them dearly!

We were planning to go to IN for Christmas on Friday (12/19) after work. That whole day, it poured, so we decided to wait until Saturday morning. It is so good that we did. Jule was diagnosed with RSV and started having some minor complications Friday evening. He got through it without a hospital visit, and he was much better on Saturday morning. So, we took off and arrived at my parents' house Sunday evening.

We had a really nice time seeing family, and Noly got to play in the snow for the first time. She loved it! She would beg my dad to take her out every morning, but he would make her wait until it was "warm" enough. It never truly got warm, but it was warmer than 10 degrees : ) We kept Jule in because of the RSV, so he would watch from the window. My grandma had a mild heart attack on the 22nd, so we went to see her in the hospital on the 23rd. She came home Christmas Eve, and we went to her house for Christmas. My guess is that this Christmas was the last year she and Grandpa will be with us. Neither of them is doing well, and I am so thankful we got to spend time with them and that they got to see the kids.

We were going to come back home on Saturday (12/26), but Jule cried all through the night Christmas night and screamed Saturday morning. We took him to the ER and found out that his ear infection from 12/7 was still not clear. So, he was put on his 3rd round of different antibiotics. Sunday morning, Noly said her ears hurt, and they were draining, so I knew she also had a double ear infection. The doctor called in some drops, and off we went that evening. We made it home Tuesday afternoon after some really bad weather and bad roads in Indiana and Ohio. I'm so glad to be home and close to our own doctors, and I'm even more happy that we made it home for CHRISTMAS! Last year, we didn't get that far!

As 2009 ends and 2010 begins, I'm excited to see how the kids will change and grow and what new things God will do in our lives. Happy New Year!

I Should Stop Having Birthdays!

Last year on my birthday, at 2 am, we called 911. Jule went to the ER by ambulance due to complicated croup. He spent that whole day and the next in the hospital. He screamed and screamed as I walked the floor with him because he also had an ear infection. He was only 5 months old. Surely, this year had to be better, right?

I thought we were in the clear. It was about 6:15 pm, and I was alone with the kids playing and relaxing. Noly had eaten dinner, and Jule refused to eat. I decided to call my brother to see if they wanted our baby seat for their baby that's due in March....and IT happened. Noly was running toward me and tripped on her nightgown. Her chin met the hardwood floor, HARD. Yep, she needed stitches. So, once again, off to the ER we went on my birthday.

She was very brave and ended up getting around 5 stitches in her chin. We got home around 10:45 and were exhausted. She seemed completely unaffected this morning but did not want to eat because it made her chin feel funny. They did put in dissolvable stitches so she won't have to get them removed.

Maybe we'll just skip my birthday altogether next year?

Ruth

I read the book of Ruth today and sat here kind-of stunned. I grew up knowing the story of Ruth, but going through everything I've gone through recently made it jump out at me. Ruth married her husband and lived away from her family for 10 years, then her husband died. After her husband died, her mother-in-law told her to go back home to her family, but she chose to stay with her mother-in-law. All I can say is WOW! I'm having a hard time not taking my husband to Indiana to live, and he's still alive. I cannot imagine the dedication and conviction that Ruth had to have to stay away from her family even after losing her husband! In the end, God greatly rewarded her with a kind husband and rewarded Naomi with a grandson. Naomi had lost her husband and both of her sons, and I had this image of her just glowing as her grandson sat on her lap!

It's also a story of great redemption. In fact, the NIV refers to Boaz as the "kinsman-redeemer." That word alone brought tears to my eyes (probably because I'm withdrawing from Lexapro, but still). I thought about the great, unsurpassing love that God has for us and how He is our Redeemer. All of these days of pain and frustration that I'm going through are not without the redemption of my God. He is my Redeemer, the Restorer of my life.

Surviving

Lexapro HAD been working great at keeping my migraines to a minimum. Unfortunately, there's this little thing called Seratonin Syndrome that rarely occurs if you take it with Imitrex, Maxalt, or any of the other sumatriptan or triptan migraine meds. Both meds increase the seratonin in your body; so when taken together, they can give your body a seratonin overdose. I now know this from experience : (


Thursday afternoon, I had a migraine. So around 3, I took a Maxalt. I figured I should space out the Lexapro and took it around 7:30 instead of 6. By 9 pm, I did not feel right. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I felt horrible. It was 30 degrees outside, but I was sweating profusely. So, I put on as little clothing as possible and tried to watch tv. I was very restless, getting out of bed and back in. Then, I started feeling sick to my stomach, so I took Zofran around 1 am. I was all over the place but finally fell asleep around 3 am.

Around 5, I woke up out of a dead sleep and felt worse than I've ever felt in my life. I ran to the bathroom because I was sweating so badly and felt like I was going to throw up...I didn't. Then, I took my temperature because I didn't know what was going on. That was normal. I then thought to feel my pulse, and it was racing. Kevin was out of town, so I called my friend, Kathleen. She came immediately to be with the kids while I called 911. By the time they got me in the ambulance, my heartrate was 180 and my blood pressure was 169/93. My body was trembling, so they thought I was cold, but I was actually burning up. It was a nightmare.

So, now I am tapering off of the Lexapro. It helped so much and made me so sick to get on, so I'm very frustrated to have to stop it now after all of this. I have to go off of it though because I have to have Imitrex or Maxalt. I am once again back to square one...waiting to try another migraine preventive. I don't plan to take anything until after Christmas. I'd rather have migraines over Christmas than a reaction to some new med.

On top of all of this, Kevin's kidney stone apparently did not pass and is bothering him off and on, and Jule's ear infection did not clear up with the antibiotics. Kevin took him in Saturday morning after a very long Friday night of screaming, and his right ear was still very bad. They gave him an antibiotic shot Saturday, and he will get one today and another tomorrow. The poor baby has been in so much pain.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Oh, how we need a break! We need everyone to feel good. I'm praying we can make it to Indiana for Christmas since we did not make it last year due to Jule's ears. Calgon, take me away.....

Ears, Ears, Ears

On Tuesday night, Jule started waking up every hour crying. We got him up at 10 pm and gave him some Tylenol and Goldfish and cuddled with him for a little bit. Then, Kevin put him back in bed, and he continued to wake up all through the night. He woke up Wednesday with a very runny nose. This cycle continued all through the weekend, and I couldn't figure out why he was still crying through the night after his nose cleared up. I kept checking his ears for drainage since he has tubes, but they looked good. I decided to take him in on Monday just to look at his ears, and sure enough....double ear infection. So, either his tubes fell out or they are blocked. Poor baby! We started his antibiotics last night, so he should be feeling better soon.

I increased my dosage of Lexapro to a half of a pill, and it really seems to be helping my migraines! They are spreading out and getting less severe, and my anxiety over them is decreasing as the pill gets into my system. I filled a prescription for the Depakote, but I'm not brave enough to try it yet. I plan to see how the Lexapro alone does, and I will try Depakote if I have to. I'm so tired of trial and error meds...my body is just so sensitive. Overall, I'm pleased with the way the Lexapro is handling my migraines.

Jule finally started to mimic what we say. He is very non-verbal but grunts a lot and gets across what he wants. Friday night, I showed him a cow and said, "Moo," and he said the same thing for hours. He's also tried to say "Goofy" and a few other words. Noly had so many words by this age, but I have heard that boys are slower at speaking usually. He is a whopping 29 lbs at only 17 months old...lots of him to kiss and hug on.

Noly is learning to read words by sounding them out. She loves Leapfrog DVD's and asks me all the time what sounds certain letters make. She is also doing great with memorizing her verses for Awana and is asking what they mean. Sometimes, they are very hard to explain in 4-year-old terms. She is so very sweet natured and is a little Mommy to Jule sometimes, except when she intentionally hits or trips him! Ahhh...the sibling rivalry begins!

November 2009 Closes

At the end of every month, I total up the number of migraines I had that month. I'm keeping a log for my Neurologist. November brought a whopping 19 migraines my way. Needless to say, it has been a very trying month for me both physically and emotionally. I'm still not at a place where the doctors have helped me, and I often lay in bed at night wondering how I am going to make it through this time and if the pain will be something I will have to endure the rest of my life. I am going to a new Neurologist tomorrow morning, and I am hoping he will be able to help me.

I was reading II Peter 3 today, and a couple of things really hit me. Verses 10-11 say, "But the day of the Lord will come like a thief. The heavens will disappear with a roar; the elements will be destroyed by fire, and the earth and everything in it will be laid bare. Since everything will be destroyed in this way, what kind of people ought you to be? You ought to live holy and godly lives." I immediately thought about how what is happening right now will not exist on the other side of eternity. Even if I live my whole life in physical pain, my life with my God will be pain-free and heartache-free. It is of great importance to me that, even if the pain of migraines limits my quality of life, my life is spent teaching my children to know God, to love God, and to live in a right relationship to Him. This world and its ways will pass, but God will never pass and never change. And I do know He hasn't changed because I'm in pain nor is He punishing me. It just IS this way in a fallen world.

The other verses that spoke to me were verses 8-9..."But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." One of my coworkers just brought in his 1-week-old baby. It took me back to the days that my kids were newborns. Those memories automatically go hand-in-hand with my days of infertility for some reason. It was so surreal how I held in my arms the promises that I had waited so long for. But really, to God, it wasn't that long. God wasn't slow in bringing my babies to me. His timing was perfect. He does nothing that lacks perfection.

So, I know I need to hang in and hold on. Right now, Jule squeals like a teenage girl at a concert, and too soon, Noly will BE a screaming teenage girl at a concert. I'm praying for wisdom for the Neurologist tomorrow and tolerance in my body for what he thinks may work.

Thank God for Parents!

I haven't posted lately because I haven't been feeling very good. I started the Topamax on Tuesday night and then started a very small dose of Lexapro on Wednesday morning. We're trying everything we can to give me migraine relief. I ended up leaving work Wednesday afternoon because I was in such a fog that I couldn't remember where my car was parked. Then, by Wednesday night, I was incredibly sick to my stomach, felt like my back was covered in fire and wanted to cut my arms off. Needless to say, the Topamax wasn't working with my body.

I've continued on the low dose of Lexapro, and finally have had several migraine-free days since Friday. The only problem is that my stomach is very upset from it, so I've been living on Zofran quite frequently. I'm really hoping to be able to get back to work tomorrow. Being home constantly for almost a week has gotten very boring.

My Dad's factory closed down for the week of Thanksgiving, so he and my mom drove the 15 hours down and got here Saturday night. They have been a tremendous help with the kids and have had a lot of time to play with them. Dad is golfing today, Jule is at the sitter's, and Mom is taking Noly to the beach to build sand castles. I'm home trying to get my stomach settled enough to leave the house. I may try to study while I'm home alone, but I'm afraid that it may induce a migraine. I'm praying that I can go to work tomorrow...I actually miss it!

Falling Apart

So, I'm kind-of falling apart. I took Prednisone from Friday through Sunday, and now I've had a migraine since Sunday night. My family doctor put me back on the Prednisone for 5 days. I need this pain to STOP! I can barely function, but I'm at work so I don't miss pay.

I talked to HR, and we are getting FMLA paperwork in order. I want to protect my job with all of these absenses. Also, I called my mom crying and asked her to please come for the week so I can get some meds in me. I tend to get really sick to my stomach with new meds, and it's already hard to take care of the kids with my head hurting. Kevin will be able to help, but even getting groceries can be challenging when I'm so sick and can't go yet I need him to help me with the kids. Please pray that my mom can come. I'm in so much pain, and I can't stop crying.

Hope

Well, I'm feeling a tad more optimistic today...not great, but I didn't spend the day crying! My Neurologist called me personally today and is starting me on a completely new regimen. Instead of Inderal, I will be trying Topamax for daily migraine prevention. I did try Topamax before and ended up in the ER by ambulance on the third day because my upper back hurt so bad that I couldn't move. We are hoping it was just a coincidence, but if I start getting back pain again, I'll stop it immediately.

He's also switching me from Imitrex to Maxalt for migraine relief when they hit. I told him Imitrex makes me feel horrible...almost worse than just the migraine, so we're trying something different. He's also giving me Zofran instead of Phenergan to help with the nausea, so I won't have to try to function with Phenergan in me! To stop this 11-migraines-in-12-days cycle, he's giving me Prednisone for 3 days. I've had to do that before, and it usually works. So, I feel more hopeful. I don't know if any of this will work, but at least it's different and it may!

I also found out about a different option for a church school for Noly next year. My friend, Elissa, has had her kids at the church daycare for years, and it has been a really good environment. She also knows the 4's teacher for next year. They may have an opening for Jule in the daycare portion, but I do prefer to find in-home care for him away from so many sicknesses. My desire is still to send her to a particular church school close to our house, but this is definitely an option.

My stress level is still high, but it's not hyperventilating-inducing. Kevin's parents took Noly for the night, so Jule and I are cuddling and watching Mickey Mouse. I have to believe that God cares very much for them, so He will provide a safe environment for them to grow and develop. Quitting my job is a last resort with our health issues as the insurance saves us TONS, but I will do it if it comes down to it.

As I drove to the sitter's to pick the kids up yesterday, God softly spoke to me..."I will provide." I believe He will, and I just need to calm down and let Him show me what He wants. He's been so faithful to us, and I know He will continue to be. It was a complete miracle for my Neurologist to personally call me because his nurse said he was unreachable for two weeks...either that or she was just trying to blow me off. In any case, I have renewed hope that there is an end to this physical pain and that my children will be well taken care of.

I think I have a stinky diaper to change...sweet Jule is smelling not-so-sweet : )

I Want to Go Home

I want to move back to Indiana. I just can't do this anymore. I'm averaging around 10-15 migraines a month, and it's nearly impossible to enjoy my kids when my head is pounding. On top of the migraines, the meds make me so nauseous that I don't want to move. Lately, they have also been hurting my stomach so much that I can't stand up straight. I'm on a daily preventive, Imitrex to get rid of them when they come on, and now I'm on constant Prevacid and Zantac because I have terrible heartburn constantly from all the meds.

I called Neurology, and their solution was to get me in around FEBRUARY. I hate this. I hate feeling horrible 90% of the time. I hate that my head or stomach hurts almost every day. I hate that I can't enjoy my kids the way I wish I could. I hate everything about this stupid migraine disease. And it's not like it's a disease that many can identify with. People think I get headaches. I wish that was all there was. I wish some doctor somewhere could help me so I could feel like I'm actually living. I'm so frustrated. I just want to go home where my mom can help me with the kids. I don't want to be in SC anymore. I want Kevin to find a new job in Indiana. It's ok if he travels if I have my parents and numerous family members to help me carry the load. I CAN'T do this every day anymore!!!

I'm Not My Own

So lately, I've been feeling so out-of-sorts. Since the new church we were trying is not going to work out, I'm left feeling homeless in a sense. This post may seem very scattered because that's the way I've been feeling.

I was reading tonight in II Corinthians 1. Verse 4 took on a new meaning to me: "Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God."

In the past, I have been taught that we go through trouble so that we can help others in the same situation. When I went through many years of infertility, I thought, "Ok, God, I can now empathize with others who are going through the same." Then I thought the same thing when I went through a couple of miscarriages. After going through 8 of them, I thought, "Ok, I don't really need to be able to understand so many of these different tragedies that people go through with pregnancy!" Then, I had preterm labor and preemies. That was closely followed by two very difficult, colicky babies. I was so fed up...I really didn't want to be able to minister to people on so many topics related to babies if that meant I had to go through so much suffering!

Tonight, something clicked. We go through trouble because we live in a fallen world. Because of God's great love for us, He comforts us in the midst of our trouble. He doesn't allow it just so we can minister to others. When we DO minister to others, we are ministering with the love and comfort He has given to us. This great Gift of comfort...His Spirit...the Greatest Comforter. And though I really wish all of this had not been so hard, I'm so grateful that God was my Comfort as I went through all of it, just as I know He'll continue to be as I live in this fallen world. Forgive me if this is not new to all of you : )

The other thing that I started thinking about tonight was how miserable I have been and how lonely I've felt. It's not that a lot has changed. I didn't hang out with my old church friends outside of church...it was just too far away. I was longing for this fellowship with God, for Him to minister to my heart in such a way that it feels like I'm only with Him. It makes all the difference in the world to be filled up by Him. Even though we are church-homeless at the moment, He is very much at home in us. And the only thing that matters in this life, that truly matters, is that I have Him...that every ounce of my being is saturated by Him and Who He is. And as much delight as I have in my two little miracles, He has even MORE delight in me...His child, His creation, His miracle.

We used to sing "I'd Rather Have Jesus" in church as I was growing up:

1. I’d rather have Jesus than silver or gold;
   I’d rather be His than have riches untold;
   I’d rather have Jesus than houses or lands;
   I’d rather be led by His nail-pierced hand
   • Refrain:
     Than to be the king of a vast domain,
     Or be held in sin’s dread sway;
     I’d rather have Jesus than anything
     This world affords today.
2. I’d rather have Jesus than men’s applause;
   I’d rather be faithful to His dear cause;
   I’d rather have Jesus than worldwide fame;
   I’d rather be true to His holy name
3. He’s fairer than lilies of rarest bloom;
   He’s sweeter than honey from out the comb;
   He’s all that my hungering spirit needs;
   I’d rather have Jesus and let Him lead

God's Plan and Provision

I've been reading through Genesis lately. I'm trying to read all the way through the Bible even if it takes me more than a year, so I just keep track of where I've read. There are some things about the story of Joseph that I never thought about before. It's funny how you can hear a story over and over, and one time something just about knocks you over!

When Joseph's brothers came to him in Egypt and did not know who he was, it doesn't seem like his first feelings toward them even remotely resembled anger. Even after they sold him as a slave, he had to fight back tears upon seeing them again. I'm not sure that I would be that forgiving ; ) He told them that what they intended to do to destroy him was part of God's plan for the future...pretty astounding if you ask me!

The other part that I had not noticed before was how God provided for what Egypt needed during a time of great famine. There came a point when all of the people still needed food but had no more money to buy it. So, Joseph told them to bring their livestock to him in exchange for food. Joseph's brothers were now living in Egypt and it just so happened that they were professional shepherds. God knew the livestock would increase, and He provided just the right people necessary to tend the extra livestock.

It all makes me think about a couple of things. Even though we are going through tragic times, God will use the tragedy in the future to make something beautiful...to bring about His plan. What the enemy intends to destroy us, God WILL use it to further His purposes in our lives. I really wish I had not had 8 miscarriages, but I know I'm living in this fallen world where bad things will happen, and I know that God is using it to fulfill His big purposes for me. And if He will provide some of the best shepherds for the extra livestock of Egypt, He will provide what He knows I need...even before I know I need it. Only by His orchestration can the most beautiful music of my life be played. My orchestration would result in dissonant chords and untimely notes. Thank You, my Creator, for having Your purposes in mind for my life.

A Day of Rest

Jule woke up today with some wheezing and rattling in his chest. He also has an icky cough and a low fever. So, he and I are staying home together. Kevin took Noly out to visit his parents so she could help them plant some flowers. We had planned on going to the Saturday night service at our old church because it's anniversary weekend, but I doubt I'll go with Jule being sick. If he's fine the rest of the day, we may still go to the picnic tomorrow.

My grandma in Indiana has been really sick for several weeks now, and that has been upsetting. She started out with a cold and hasn't been able to stop coughing. So, she hasn't been able to sleep or even cook their meals. My parents visited last night and said she finally is starting to sound better. I'm really anxious to see them at Christmas this year since we didn't make it up there last year. They haven't seen Jule since he was 9 weeks old! They kept Noly while my mom worked during the two weeks Noly visited Indiana in September, so they've seen a little bit of how she's changed.

Well, this is scattered because I'm typing, rescuing Mickey from being stuck inside a toy, typing, rescuing Mickey...you get the idea. I hope everyone has a good weekend!

Separation Anxiety

Well, I think Helene is correct. I think Jule is suffering from separation anxiety. When we put him to bed, he screams like he is being tortured, and he won't stop screaming until we go get him. Once we pick him up, he whimpers for a bit, then he plays very happily as close to us as he can get. He is also waking up numerous times in the night crying. I usually just let him cry as long as I can see that he is fine on the monitor. We did think he was teething, but that just doesn't seem to make as much sense as separation anxiety. I'm exhausted from him waking me up numerous times a night, but I don't think this will last for a very long time.

Noly is still very excited to be 4! She thinks she's so much bigger than 3-year-olds! Her new verse for Awana this week was "Give thanks to the Lord, Who made the great lights...sun, moon, and stars." I told Kevin I didn't know if she could learn that much, and by Tuesday, she knew it! I was amazed that she had the capacity to memorize that much at once! She is learning phonics by watching Leapfrog and by asking me constantly what each letter sounds like. I wonder if she'll be reading before she goes to school next year? I'm not pushing her because I don't want her to get bored in the 4's class, but I won't discourage her from learning either.

Our search for a new church is continues. I'm not going to get deep into it, but it doesn't look like the one we have been attending is going to work for us. We are planning to try our Pediatrician's church soon, but this weekend we'll be going to our old church for an Anniversary Picnic! I love those every year and am so excited to see my friends and for the kids to have a fun day outside! Imagine...a picnic with apx. 3,000 people! We usually eat before we go because of my egg allergy. I also decided to try to study for the CPA exam again. I have some time at work to fill, and I want to see if I can get all 4 sections in over the next 18 months. It should be easier now that I'm not pregnant!

That's us in a nutshell for now. I'm off to study.

A Day of Memory

Today is National Day of Miscarriage and Infant Loss. I am remembering Hannah Elizabeth (lost at 11 weeks), Payton Claire (lost at 8 weeks), and 6 other babies lost at 4 weeks. God has been good to us and has blessed us with two living, breathing children who we adore, but the memory of my losses will never fade away. The memories are less painful, but the pain is still there when I have the time to sit and think about it. I had hopes and dreams for each baby that was a part of my body. It is still fresh in my mind that I spent many nights curled up in a ball on the floor of an empty nursery weeping, and I know that there are many others who are in the same position. My heart goes out to all of you who have lost children, and my prayers are with you today. If you want to, please feel free to leave a comment in memory of the child/children you have lost.

I would not have made it through that time without the love of the One Who loves me completely and greatly. I know He saw every tear and heard every plea. And I know that my 8 children are now worshipping around His throne.

Psalm 56:8 "You've kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, each tear entered in your ledger, each ache written in your book."

From 3 to 34 in One Night!

When I went in to wake Noly up this morning, I found her sitting on the side of her bed looking down at her legs. She said, "I not 4 yet." I said, "You are. Happy Birthday. You are 4 now!" She said, "But I not big like you." It was then that I realized that all of the times she said she would be "like me," she was quite literal. To her, 34 contains the number 4, so she was going to wake up this morning as big as I am. Thankfully, that is not the case! I told her it takes time to grow big, and that she is bigger because she is 4, but she will continue to grow.

Don't we think that way sometimes? We expect to become mature and perfect, Christ-like, overnight. Becoming like Him is such a process, and we fail so many times. I'm so glad He doesn't think, "You stupid kid...you should be grown by now." He also knows it's a process, and He is there to encourage us as we strive to be more like Him every day. I'm so glad God has patience as I learn and grow. If I could only get it into Noly's head that it will be many years before she is as tall as her mommy.

Noly is Four Today!

Today is Noly's 4th Birthday! Happy Birthday, sweet Noly!

It was January 2005 when I began pumping my body full of these Invitro meds. I didn't even bother to count the numerous pills I had to take. I made an Excel spreadsheet complete with times of day to take each pill and whether to eat or to refrain from eating within two hours of it. I did count over 80-something shots that I had to give myself over the course of a few weeks. I filled the sharps container you see here and two additional containers before the cycle was over. I cried so many hormonally-induced tears that only God could count those. I also spent a lot of time at church worshipping and spent many times with people huddled around me in prayer.


Nine months later, on October 14, 2005, my prayers were answered:

Grammy with Noly ~ 2 Days Old

After years of infertility and 7 miscarriages in two years, God had given me the desire of my heart...a baby. Noly has been such a blessing in our lives. We didn't realize how much this little 5 lb. 6.6 oz. package could completely change us forever.

This morning, I got Jule out of bed so that he and I could wake her up with her present. She got a stuffed kitten, which she informed me made 10 stuffed cats. She has a bit of an obsession with cats but can never get a real one because Kevin and I are both very allergic. I hope she has an amazing day today because she's quite the amazing little girl!

Today

Today. I am happy to be at work. Today. I am so glad that my ears are not being subjected to continual screaming. Today. I have no parties to attend or throw, no invitations to dinner at a restaurant and no coupons to clip. I am enjoying the buzz of the computer as I sit in a building full of quiet accountants. Today.

It was a rough weekend. We went out to eat with Kevin's family at 6 pm, which happens to be an hour after our normal dinner time and an hour before Jule's bedtime. Jule screamed and crawled up and down me while we waited for Kevin's sister to get to the restaurant. She ended up being around an hour late, so we ordered our meal AT Jule's bedtime. By the time the food came, he was so tired and agitated that he would barely eat. He was only interested in the skin of my baked potato, and that was only for 10 minutes. When we got home, I quickly bathed both kids and put Jule to bed. He slept for 10 minutes then proceeded to scream as if he was being beaten. I got him up to see what was wrong, and he played happily. This happened off and on until midnight, and we think it must have been teething. He does this about once a month.

Saturday, we had a family birthday party for Noly at the park. We chose a park with nice rubber flooring so Jule could walk around. Nope. He didn't want to walk around. He wanted to fall to the ground and scream until I carried him around. And it had to be Mommy and Mommy only. Being not much over 100 lbs myself, I struggle to carry his 27-lb body very far at all, so I had to sit at the picnic tables. He pushed off of me, then cried when I put him down. We had driven separately, so I took him home early and gave him a wonderful 1-hour nap. He woke up from that screaming, and continued his fussiness the rest of the evening.

I made some kind of spicy TGI Friday's Skillet meal from the freezer, and the heartburn it caused could not be touched by any antacid in the house. One Prevacid, 3 t of Mylanta and 2 Pepto pills later, I was still doubled over in pain. So, I took an Ativan and finally fell asleep sometime after 1 am. By the time Sunday came, I was so past being ready to pull my hair out that I was actually waiting for Monday to get here. Thankfully, today has been much better. Work is rarely stressful and is very quiet, so I can gather my thoughts and eat an entire meal without getting up. I'm feeling overwhelmed at the thought of going home in 40 minutes, but at least Kevin will be home tonight to help with the kids. I really hope Jule finds some happiness tonight. If not, I'll just cover my ears and sing, "la,la,la,la,la...I'm not listening..." until Tuesday comes.

Happy Monday!

The Weekend is Here!

I am 9 minutes away from the beginning of my weekend! I love weekends because we get to just "be" with the kids. We generally don't have plans besides church, so there are no schedules to adhere to. Kevin keeps the kids on weekend mornings so I can sleep late, which would mean around 8 am these days.

I am really missing my church and my church family, but we talked to some people at our new church last weekend and felt very welcomed. Noly absolutely loved going to the new church and playing with the kids. There were only 2 other babies in the nursery with Jule, so I wasn't nearly as concerned about him getting sick as when there are 20!

I have my shopping lists compiled along with all the respective coupons. Hopefully, I can get the grocery shopping done tonight since some of my coupons expire today! Tomorrow morning, I have a hair appointment. I love being by myself and getting pampered once every other month : )

That's our weekend in a nutshell! Anyone care to share what their weekend is comprised of?

Ever Struggle to be Nice?

I am. Right now. Severely. You know how sometimes it takes every fiber of your being to be nice? I'm there.

One of my coworker/friends got a new job and stabbed me in the back on her way out. It was an outright betrayal, and I'm enraged and furious! Now, I know that the Bible says to "turn the other cheek" and to forgive, but I am having a really hard time doing that. Matthew 5:39 says, "But I say, do not resist an evil person! If someone slaps you on the right cheek, offer the other cheek also." Psalm 55:12-14, "It is not an enemy who taunts me—I could bear that. It is not my foes who so arrogantly insult me—I could have hidden from them. Instead, it is you—my equal, my companion and close friend. What good fellowship we once enjoyed as we walked together to the house of God."

Something I've been thinking about is how much easier it is to be hurt by a friend. They simply know more about you...your likes and dislikes, things that have hurt you in the past, things that elate you, your feelings/opinions on various topics. We really do have a lot of power over those we know intimately. On the other hand, we also have a lot of power to bless our friends in ways that those that don't know them can't.

I certainly know that I am guilty of hurting those that I care deeply for, and I need to work through this. Right now, my feelings aren't there, but I will work on it until they are. I'm sorry if this post is all over the place, but it lies in the midst of a war between what I want to do and what I know is right to do. And I do want THE RIGHT ONE to win...I want God to be glorious and radiant in my life. I'm still a work in process....

Jule's First Big Boy Haircut

Well, I finally did it...I finally took Jule to get his first major haircut. I wanted to cry when we left the salon because his looks changed so dramatically, but I adjusted to it through the evening.

Here is a recent picture before the haircut:

Here are some "after" pix:

He looks like such a big boy now. It's sad to see my last baby growing up, but it's also a very welcome thing because it brings a much happier boy with it. Now, if we could just get his reflux to go away! We love you, sweet Jule!

Noly is Home!

Noly came home Saturday afternoon! It was so nice to have her back home, though I did enjoy the break. Jule was very jealous of my holding and playing with her at first, but then he adjusted back to his old self. I honestly don't think they missed each other. Both got to be an only child for 2 weeks, and they seemed to enjoy that! It was nice to see them playing together again.

I'm finally feeling better. Last week was rough, and I felt horrible up through yesterday. Jule now has it and is crabby, but I think he's doing better than I was. He hasn't had a fever, and he is sleeping at night.

This week is back to normal. Friday, I have plans to go with a friend to a concert! That will be a nice break and a great time of worship!

Sick Again

I'm not feeling good at all...again. Sore throat, runny/stuffy nose and feverish...blah. Oh well. I did have a nice Memorial Day! We took Jule to get a mattress for Noly's trundle bed, then we went to the Outlets and found him a ton of clothes for $1.99 each! It's hard to believe this shirt is a 3T, and it almost fits my 14-month-old! I think the shirt is a little small, and he's a little big : )

Church went well, but I had a hard time emotionally. It was hard to look out over the congregation for each of the three services and know that it was the last time I would be singing in front of them. I have spent many years praying for all of them and preparing for the weekend services. I will greatly miss my church family. It's not like I can't visit, but it's not the same as being a part.

The emotion of the weekend brought back to my memory a song that I used to listen to years ago..."As Long As my Heart Knows It's You" by 4 Him:

God only knows how it must have felt

Out on the mountain where Abraham knelt

Deep in his heart, I’m sure it hurt to obey

Still he offered his son as if to say

CHORUS

I'm Willing to live, willing to die

Willing to make any sacrifice

I’m willing to go, willing to stay

Lord, there’s no price too high for me to pay

Any struggle that might come my way

I’m willing to go through

Just as long as my heart, as long as my heart knows it’s You.

How many times have you called for me

When my heart was willing but I was so weak

What I would give if I could only believe

That when I’m tested by fire I’ll always be

God wants my obedience, not my sacrifice. So, I'm going. My heart knows that He is speaking to me, so I will follow. I know that He will be faithful in this next season of my life.

What Was Abraham Thinking?

I'm sitting here thinking....I wonder what Abraham was thinking when God told him to sacrifice Isaac, his child of promise. Sure, Abraham had seen God come through on His promises, Abraham had seen miracles, and Abraham had a close walk with God. I think that when we hear about Mt. Moriah, we think that Abraham obeyed God with no questions, no hesitations, and maybe even no emotions...at least that's how I've often thought about it. But today, I started thinking about the human side of Abraham. I wonder if he questioned God. After all, he is the one who questioned God about the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. I wonder if he grieved. I wonder if he debated on whether or not to obey. I wonder if he ever took a few steps backward...away from Mt. Moriah. I don't have the answers to any of it, but I do know that God rewarded his obedience.

I'm feeling kind-of "Mt. Moriah-ish." The big unspoken is that I am feeling led to go to a different church. This is a huge deal for me because my church family IS my family here...the rest of my real family is 14 hours away, and I'm not very close to Kevin's family. I adore my church, I love singing on weekends, and I absolutely love listening to my pastor's sermons. BUT I feel God telling me, "It's time to go." It's not because I'm mad at anyone or disagree with anything. It's more about following His calling, His leading. His timing.

It brings me great pain, but I will obey. I believe He will bless me when I obey, but I will miss my weekly time with my church family so much. My church has around 3,000 attendees, and the church I'm feeling called to has around 300-400, so that will be an adjustment. We live far away from my church, and the new church is literally one mile from our house. That will make it so much easier with two small children, but I'm still sad. I spoke with the Music Leadership last night, and they blessed me in following God's leading, and I will be singing this weekend one last time. Maybe God will say, "Just kidding...just wanted to see if you were paying attention"??

I know that Isaiah 55:9 (The Message) says, "For as the sky soars high above earth, so the way I work surpasses the way you work, and the way I think is beyond the way you think." God has a master plan, and He alone is the One Who knows all, so I trust Him. But just as I've seen Him move and bring me my "child of promise," there's still a human side to me that questions, that wonders. But I know He is faithful, and I know that He calls for our obedience. So, here I am...ready to leap off the cliff, knowing He'll catch me, and knowing He'll do exceedingly above all that I can ever ask or imagine.

Decisions, Decisions

Well, we have decided not to move next year and have tentatively decided on the school we would like Noly to attend. We both feel like the longer drive would be too much for me on a daily basis, and the schools are not that different. We haven't found a new sitter yet, but we don't need one until May 2010, so I probably won't start looking until at least January.

The unspoken change that I mentioned before IS going to happen, but I still can't say what it is until after Thursday. I have been silent because I have spent a lot of time grieving the loss of the "old," and there is also some apprehension regarding the "new." BTW, we are NOT having another child, and I'm NOT getting a new husband!!! : )

I find it interesting how scary new things can be, but they really do increase our reliance on God. He's the only real stability and source of constancy, and He will remain the same from our old to our new. There is a part of me that is intensely excited about the new, but I think the fear of the unknown oftentimes wins out.

On a different note, Noly has been in Indiana with my parents since Saturday. It has been odd to only have one child, but it has been such a needed break. I was so run down and overwhelmed, and this is allowing me to catch my breath. She'll be back September 12.

Jule has been Jule....sometimes happily playing and other times screaming enough for 5 children combined. I really wish his teeth would not keep coming in so close together in time. He is only happy for a few days before he's a crab again. Poor little guy has had a lot of pain in his 14 months of life! On Sunday, we discussed going to our favorite restaurant with him to distract him and get him to stop screaming. For some reason, a change in atmosphere works with him. We talked about it, and at the last minute, I told Kevin I wasn't in the mood for it. We went to a different restaurant that neither of us are especially fond of (though Jule loved it). When I turned on the news a few hours later, we found out that the restaurant we almost went to was robbed at gunpoint right around the time we would have been there with our baby!!! God's hand was surely protecting us! I cannot imagine how scary that would have been if we were there with Jule...talk about anxiety-inducing! I am so thankful that God kept us not only safe from harm, but also safe from even the experience. I will have to visit there soon since I go weekly for lunch to make sure all of the workers are ok.

I promise to tell more when I'm able!

Changes

I can feel change coming. There are parts that I can share right now, and there are other parts that will have to remain unspoken prayer requests until the time comes for me to share them.

Starting in May 2010, we will lose our babysitter. She is retiring after 28 years to be at her youngest son's ballgames and to be more available for her aging parents. We have been very blessed to have her as a part of Noly & Jule's lives, and we will miss her dearly. That said, I know that God has a perfect plan and that He has someone special already waiting to watch the kids. Jule will be nearly two by then, and Noly will be 4 1/2. We are hoping to start Noly in school in August 2010, so she will not be with the new sitter for very many hours each day. Since her birthday is in October, she will be in the 4's class next year even though she will turn 5 shortly after school starts. She looks more like a little girl who's ready for school every day and not like a toddler...

The second change is school, which involves yet another possible change. Noly went to a small church-run preschool last year as part of the 2's class. She loved it! We are taking her out of school this year to try to keep all of us healthy, but she will be going somewhere next year....but where. We have two schools in mind. One of them is right down the road from where we live now, and the other one is at our church. It is 30 minutes away with no traffic and equally as far from my work, so that is not an option UNLESS we sell our house and move closer to the church. It would make my commute a lot longer every day, but we may decide it's worth it. I'm praying that God makes all of these decisions clear to us.

The last possibility of change is very close to my heart. I wish I could share it, but I just feel I can't at the moment. I've been thinking about it a lot, and I was praying about it as I drove out for lunch today. An OLD song from 4 Him was playing called "Puzzles"

I remember that first day I heard Your voice
I could feel Your quiet peace drown away the noise
Your oracle of truth still rings in my head
I've come to know my path just as You said
And I see the sham, the lie that swallows the man
People need to see

CHORUS
It's a dangerous life without Your wisdom for our ways
It's a gamble with time when we don't hear You when You say
You're the Light of the world I pray that all will see
Only You know the way to put our puzzles into place

There's a fire dark as night in an evil rage
Spreading power to searching souls at a deadly wage
I want to scream a plea, a warning sign
Take the stutter from my step, don't let my tongue be tied
Piece after piece, Your love in holy relief
Into the picture You have seen

REPEAT CHORUS

Light up the shadows
Expose the deception
Reveal the illusion
Unscramble the puzzles
People need to see

I'm praying that each "piece" falls into place to form a beautiful picture. The verse for the day on BibleGateway.com is Romans 12:4-5 "Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.” It makes me think of the body of Christ as one big puzzle, fitting together, and making one big, beautiful portrait of Christ!

Noly's First Trip

Saturday, Noly will be taking her first trip without me. Kevin is flying her to Indiana to be with my parents for two weeks. He will get her to my mom then turn around and fly back home. Noly is so excited because she is the only one who gets to go stay with Grammy & Papa. I'm both excited and sad...it will be nice to only have one child for a couple of weeks, but I will miss Noly terribly! I think they will keep her busy enough that she won't miss home too much, and she will get to see all of her great-grandparents, cousins, & great-aunts and great-uncles. My dad will fly her back two weeks later and will stay one night with us to see Jule.

Since this was her last weekend home for two weeks, we tried to do some extra fun things with her. Kevin took her swimming, and we took both kids to the Park. Noly loved it, but Jule isn't quite old enough to enjoy it. He was tired and scared of the swing & slide. He clung to me and watched all the kids play. It was so nice to get out of the house with the kids...neither one of them was sick for once! Kevin's parents are keeping Noly tomorrow while I work, so tomorrow will be a fun day for her too!


I'm still feeling overwhelmed, but it gets so much better when we are all healthy. I think being able to leave the house helps a lot, and having the kids happy because they are feeling well also helps. Jule was a happy boy this weekend and even spent a lot of time trying to walk. I think he made it up to 7 steps before he fell. I can't wait until he walks because carrying a 26-lb baby is so tiring! I'm praying that all four of us stay healthy for at least more than a few days now!!!

More Than We Can Handle?

The events of the last 13 months have led me to question if I have more than I can handle. I really feel like I do. From Jule starting out his life in the NICU then turning into a refluxing fountain and screaming almost every waking moment to our arrival at a solid 9 months of sickness with very little healthy time in between, I feel like I'm in a free-fall and like I'm in over my head. I started thinking about how I have heard so many people say, "God doesn't give us more than we can handle." But is that really true? I don't remember reading that in the Bible. I do remember this verse that I think that phrase is based upon: I Corinthians 10:13. Here it is in various versions:

KJV "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."

NIV "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."

New Living Translation "The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure."

The Message "No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it. "

All of these translations seem to point to the same thing: temptation...not just plain old living and circumstances. What I have come to realize, at least at this point in my life, is that sometimes we DO have more on our plate than we can handle. It is often those times that we rely solely on God for strength.

I feel like God's strength is all I'm going on right now because I just don't have it in me anymore to keep up with all of the sickness, all of the doctor appointments, etc. I also believe that a time will come when it won't be like this; and at that point, I need to remember to cling to God just as much as in a time like this. I ache for my friend, Whitney, whose 7-year-old has cancer and is going through treatment. She has way too much on her plate, but she is clinging to God, and He'll carry her through it.

In the Psalms, there were many times that David was feeling overwhelmed. The following Psalm reflects it, and I choose to run to God just like he did...

Psalm 63:1 "O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water."

Perspective

Last night, we had music rehearsal. It has been two months since I last sang because I only sing once a month; and last month, the teens did the service the weekend I was scheduled to sing. I was SERIOUSLY considering cancelling this weekend, and the reason....anxiety.

I have been having such a terrible time with anxiety lately. It seems like it began when Jule was born and was immediately hospitalized, and it has grown and grown with each health problem that has come our way. I have anxiety about his breathing, I have anxiety about taking care of two sick children alone when my husband is out of town, I have anxiety about how many sick days I'm using at work, and sometimes I have a hard time leaving the house because the anxiety can make me so sick to my stomach. All to say...I'm having a slight problem here : )

The doctor did give me Ativan to help when I need it periodically, and I rarely take it. However, I feel like I've needed it a lot lately. I thought the summer would bring health and vitality to the three of us, but we have continued to catch virus after virus. Jule continues to get croup on a regular basis, AND he continues to cry for hours with a few days sprinkled in here and there of happiness. He is BETTER than he was, but he is still a very difficult baby.

I actually wasn't the least bit surprised to find out that one of this weekend's topics is going to be dealing with anxiety. God really does have perfect timing, doesn't He? We began our vocal rehearsal with a time of prayer over each individual who would be singing this weekend. There were many tears shed, and I noticed some recurring topics...so much stress, so much to do, so many hard things that life is throwing at us. After we ended our prayer time, we began singing and choosing which parts we would sing. There was a lot of laughter and so much oneness in spirit.

After we were done with vocals, we went downstairs to join the band. Only this week, we did not practice with the band. Instead, Eddie walked us through the weekend's services. We all sat in the dimly-lit worship center and listened to a worship CD about going up to the mountain...the place where God's glory dwells. It was something like "Take me up to the mountain. Take me to the place where Your glory dwells." I'm sure those are not the right words, but what I began to see as I closed my eyes is that I was looking down on my life. It was all about my perspective. From the mountain, my anxiety and worries seemed so small. I was with God; there was nothing to fear. Everything that seemed to surround me and swirl around my head was suddenly way under my feet (or better, Christ's feet).

Then, the song switched over to "Breathing the Breath." It's lyrics are "We are breathing the breath that You gave us to breathe to worship You, to worship You. And we're singing these songs with the very same breath to worship You, to worship You." It made me keenly aware that the very breath I breathe is from God, and His life and love are moving in and through me. The God of the universe dwells in me and is in my corner. Anxiety truly has no place. I am very excited to see what God is going to do in the services this weekend, and I'm praying that He changes me...as the music plays...as Eddie speaks...and as I live my life for Him. I want my anxiety to dissipate, even if my situation doesn't change. I want to change...I want my perspective to change.

Jule's Allergy Results

I am so happy to report that Jule's allergy panel came back completely negative. He is not allergic to any foods or environmental allergens! So, his two episodes of hives must have both been related to his croup viruses. That makes me feel way less paranoid about letting Noly have anything with nuts anywhere near him.

I'm beginning to feel very, very horrible. We made the decision to take Noly out of preschool this year to try to help she and Jule stay healthy. We are still having only a week or two of feeling good before someone ends up sick, so it looks like it's still a good decision. However, I talked to the babysitter and found out that the other two 4-year-olds are going to school every day starting in September. Noly LOVED the school last year, and it is only a couple of blocks away from the sitter's house. I feel like a bad mommy because she will want to go to school, and I can't really explain to her why she can't go. She wouldn't understand what it means to try to keep the germs to a minimum. Next year, she can go to the 4-year-old class at one of the Christian schools we have chosen. Jule will be two then, and his reflux/croup episodes should be so much better given another year to outgrow them.

I don't want to hurt her feelings. I'm trying to come up with something to help her feel special about being the oldest child at the sitter's. It will just be her, Jule and another baby. I thought of having a special box each week with activities she can do by herself while the babies play. Maybe I can pack a special movie for her to watch on some days too. I'm stocking up on school supplies when I see sales so that I can have a variety of activities for her to do, but it doesn't help me feel any better : ( Next year, she can go to school with all of the other kids. For now, I'm hoping and praying she's not too upset when she discovers that she's not going. Sometimes it's hard being a mommy!

Instant Gratification

I was listening to the radio the other day, and the DJ said something that stood out to me. "God doesn't always give us what we want or ask for immediately." Granted, I KNOW that, but I so often act like I'm surprised when He doesn't. In fact, sometimes His answer is no.

I thought about my own kids and how spoiled and ungrateful Noly would be if I gave her everything she wanted right when she wanted it. Sometimes my answer is that she has to wait for it, and other times it is just no. I don't always give her a reason because sometimes the reason is beyond the scope of her understanding. Sometimes, the answer is no because allowing her to do something would bring her harm. She doesn't know it and can't foresee it, but I can.

I believe that God is the same way. We would be spoiled brats if He gave us everything we wanted, and we would suffer much harm if He allowed us to have some of the things we ask for. I don't understand why I had to go through so much to have children, but I trust that God's plan is perfect, and He always has my best interest at heart. I also believe that some things happen if only for the fact that we live in a fallen world. AND I believe it breaks His heart when we go through things that cause us grief as a result of living in this fallen world. I know that there are times when my heart breaks for my children.

Monday, Jule had a blood draw for allergy testing. Twice now, he has broken out in hives. It took me and two nurses to hold him down, and he screamed like we were killing him, but I knew it had to be done. It hurt him, but it had to be done for his own future safety. Certainly, he didn't understand it, but I know it will help me make decisions that will better protect him. I've already seen him struggle to breathe on more than one occasion, and if I can stop it from happening again, I will!

During this ordeal, our Pediatrician (did I mention before how much we love him?) heard his blood-curdling screams and came in the room and whisked Noly away with him for a popsicle. It gave me such a picture of God because there are times that He pulls us out of the pain and gives us a popsicle...just like He pulled me from the pain of miscarriage and gave me my two babies! Noly wasn't in any danger, but the doctor did not want her to get upset. Scott Krippayne sings a song "Sometimes He Calms the Storms," and it perfectly depicts what this post is about:

V1.All who sail the sea of faith find out before too long
How quickly blue skies can grow dark and gentle winds grow strong
Suddenly fear is like white water pounding on the soul
Still we sail on knowing that our Lord is in control

C.Sometimes He calms the storm with a whispered peace be still
He can settle any sea but it doesn't mean He will
Sometimes He holds us close and lets the wind and waves go wild
Sometimes He calms the storm and other times He calms His child

V2.He has a reason for each trial that we pass through in life
And though we're shaken we cannot be pulled apart from Christ
No matter how the driving rain beats down on those who hold to faith
A heart of trust will always be a quiet peaceful place

No More Holes

Yesterday, we began the process of redecorating Noly's room. In the past, it has been bright blue with a Pottery Barn flower decor. Now that she is getting a twin-sized bed, she wants Hello Kitty decor, and that definitely does not match the bright blue walls! Last night, Kevin and I went to Home Depot and picked out some "Root Beer" and "Little Piglet" paint so that I could paint her room before we get the bed set up. We emptied Noly's room so that there was plenty of room to paint. Her toys are covering our room right now, and all of the room on our floor is taken up by an airmatress for her to sleep on until her room is ready.

After the room was empty, I began to prepare the walls for painting. I looked around at all the holes that were in the walls...there were tons! So, I got the spackle and began to fill every hole. I thought, "Once I'm done painting, you will never know the holes were even there!" Then it hit me, isn't that how it is with God! Once we repent of our sins, the "holes" are no longer there. Psalm 103: 12 says, "As far as the east is from the west, so far hath He removed our transgressions from us." When He looks at us, He does not see our "walls" filled with scars and holes. He sees His creation...beautiful, seamless walls. I think if we could just get His view of us into our heads, we would have such a different view on life. It's hard, though, because our human mind is just that...human. We are His unique, beautiful creation, freshly covered by His blood. AND He's the complete filler of our holes...not just where our sins are involved, but He does what we can't and gives us strength where we lack. He's so much more than my $3.87 jar of spackle!

On the home front...Noly is doing well. She is learning more about her letters daily. She is doing well with writing her name but gets frustrated easily if it's not perfect. That's my girl! Jule had his one-year appointment yesterday. He was 26 lbs 2 oz, 31 inches long & had a head circumference of 19 I think. I'm not sure of his % because, once again, there was too much drama for me to remember to ask. I asked for allergy testing for him, and he screamed through the whole blood test! I'm sure it hurt because his little hands are just so chubby that it was hard to find a vein, but the nurse did! He also got a finger prick and one shot. I had to give him a lollipop to get him to stop screaming. Then, once we got to the car, I accidentally pinched his leg in the seatbelt! Of course, he started screaming all over again. Poor little guy. I felt so bad! We should get his allergy results in about a week.

I'm still having anxiety issues. I'm taking Ativan here and there when I need it, but I'm sure that I'll get back to my normal self when the stress calms down a little again. Until then, I have a lot of painting to do. This is the first time I've painted a room pink.

Feeling Silent

I have been feeling so silent lately...like all of my words have been drained from me. I'm physically exhausted and emotionally spent. Jule has been back on a crying spree, and he is spitting up and throwing up frequently. It's been a year now, and I'm just so weary. I want him to feel good and to be happy. He does have his happy moments, but they are so rare and so fleeting.

I also realized that we have spent almost 9 months now with one of us being sick. We get a week break here and there, but someone always has something. Jule and I were sick last week and ended up missing both his 1 year appointment and his rescheduled appointment. Then, Noly came down with a fever and some kind of virus Monday and Tuesday. When I took her to the doctor on her second day with no drinking, I realized it had been 9 months!!! No wonder I feel like I'm burnt out. I thoroughly enjoy my kids, but I feel like I can barely leave the house with them without someone, usually Jule, getting sick. Dr. C explained to me yesterday that the respiratory sicknesses he is having probably stem from vomit getting into his upper respiratory system. Now, if we could just get him to stop losing his lunch, we'd be good???

Each time he gets croup or I hear that all-too-familiar rattling or stridor, my anxiety kicks into high gear. Will we have to call 911 in the middle of the night this time? Will the breathing treatments keep his breathing under control. Very few things in my life have traumatized me to the extent that seeing my child struggling to breathe has. I know that he's not truly mine, but I love him and want to spend many years with him as my son on this earth.

I don't have as much anxiety with Noly because she only had one incident where croup became complicated enough that she needed an injection. It was related to one illness and never happened again. And while she was sick a lot her first winter with the sitter, she only had "normal," non-scary sicknesses. She went through her right-of-passage as a child. I also wonder if Jule's time in the NICU made me more paranoid of his health? Probably.

So, here you have my thoughts. I haven't been blogging much lately because I just really don't have much to say. I have a lot to think about. I will stay on at 30 hours a week. I explained to my babysitter how my boss changed her mind, and she was gracious enough to work with us on it. But by May 2010, we hope to move closer to the church, find a new sitter, and get Noly enrolled in our Church's 4's program. A lot to do, a year to do it, and I know that God has it all under control and has the best interest of my babies at heart. I know He'll show us if he wants us to stay in our currrent location and send her to school at another Christian school that I love. We just need to find someone to watch Jule...sweet, vomiting Jule : )

Frustrated

Today, I am so frustrated. For several months now, we have been planning for me to start working 20 hours a week starting August 1st. When I approached my boss today to remind her that August 1st starts Saturday, it appears that she changed her mind. I'm really, really frustrated. I carry our insurance, so I need to work to keep it. The babysitter needs me to reduce my hours so she can be at her son's ballgames. I'm not sure what I am going to do, but one of my pet peeves is when people change their minds at the drop of a hat when it's something that matters.

I would not mind staying home with the kids, but with Jule's health issues, I highly doubt we would be accepted my any private insurance company. Kevin works in a family business, and there is no option of company insurance though they will pay for whatever insurance we get. The problem is....they can't pay for something we can't get. My boss and the Controller are supposed to talk today. I just don't even know what to do right now. After all, it was my BOSS's idea months ago for me to go down to 20 hours without quitting!!! Grrrr!

Home Today

I am home today. This is the 3rd full day of work I've missed this week. It seems that Jule and I both have a tummy bug...it's not terrible, but it's enough to keep me out of work. I have been spending the day sanitizing the bathrooms and color coding my closet. I have one full trash bag to get to Goodwill and will probably have more, but I'm too worn out to continue.

Jule is supposed to have his 1-Year check-up today, but that depends how my stomach is feeling. It's only 2 miles down the road, but we usually have a long wait...especially at the end of the day. Noly is so excited! She keeps talking about Dr. C and wants to talk to him on the phone...she absolutely adores him! We think it is so hilarious and cute! If we have to reschedule, I'll be sure to take her with us when we do go.

I taught Noly to write her name last night, and the look on her face was priceless! She was so proud of herself. Moments like those are so precious, and I will cherish them for years!

Brown Sugar and Luke 6:38

On the surface, these two do not appear to have ANYTHING in common. Luke 6:38 says, "Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." When I read this verse today, I thought about making Sloppy Joes last night. I always make a northern version, which includes about 1/3 cup of brown sugar. Whenever I make something that includes brown sugar, I always pack it into the measuring cup as tightly as I can, and then I sprinkle a little extra on top...just because I generally like things a tad sweeter.

A portion of one of Third Day's songs started playing in my head..."and you give yourself away, and you give yourself away, and you give, and you give, and you give yourself away. All I want is love, and I confess to this. I will take it, Lord, all You have to give..." A portion of 4 Him's "The Message" also stood out in my mind, "...to give til there is nothing left to give..." Jesus gave it all for me...His very life...everything. My desire is to give my life in the same manner that I give my food brown sugar....not to get, but out of love and out of the overflow of His gift working in my life.

Couponing

I'm trying to get the hang of couponing. Between working 30 hours a week and being a single mom during most of the work week, I just don't have time to save a lot of money. Our weekends are packed full of getting groceries and getting things done around the house that we don't have time to do during the week. We also make it a point to spend a lot of time with the kids. We also have church, which takes up a lot of time because it's a bit of a drive for us. I'm spending my free time at work preparing the weekend grocery list and looking for coupons that will help us out.

This weekend, I spent about $152 on groceries and other household items, and I ended up saving about $42. A lot of this involved stockpiling BOGO items and items that were on sale. I'm hoping to shorten our grocery list in the future since we will not have to buy any of the items that I stockpiled. I still don't think I will become a coupon expert, but I can at least save some money.

Jule was a crab this weekend. We are guessing he is teething yet again because we can't find anything wrong with him. His ears are clear, and he doesn't appear to be sick. He is just crying often and loud. The thing that we find so strange about him is that he is usually distractable when he's in pain. While that is wonderful, we can only exert so much energy in distracting him before we are just worn out. He was great at church and at O'Charley's on Saturday night, but when we were home, we practically had to stand on our heads to get him to stop screaming. He went to bed at 7:30 last night and did not go to sleep. At 9:30, he started crying, so we got him up, and he was happy as can be. I think he went back down around 10:30 and cried himself to sleep. I really hope a tooth pops through soon!!! He has his one-year checkup with Dr. C on Wednesday.

Noly adores a stuffed kitty that one of the other children at the babysitter's has. She has always loved it, and we have searched and searched for one that is similar. Finally, we found one that she loves at Target this weekend. It meows, purrs and moves around. She named it "Mama" and said it was her baby. I'm not sure where her obsession with cats came from because we don't own one...we're both allergic. The babysitter has one, but it's afraid of the kids. Noly took her special new toy to the babysitter's today, and she was so proud of it when she walked in to show the other kids.

We ended the weekend with a delicious meal of Ribeye on the grill and rice pilaf. I hope Jule is good for the sitter today.

Let Your Light Shine

Last night, Noly insisted on taking a toy dinosaur with her to bed. She even had me wrap it up in one of Jule's old receiving blankets so it could be her baby. I heard her singing to it over the monitor, so I thought all was ok. About a half hour later, I heard her crying, so I went in there to find the said dinosaur on the floor. She was crying because she was now scared of it! I don't quite understand, but then again, I'm not 3. As I was comforting her, I pushed the dinosaur under her bed so she couldn't see him anymore.

As I was re-tucking her in, she noticed my bracelet. I mentioned before that my friend, Whitney, has a 7-year-old son who is going through cancer treatments for a brain tumor they found in February. They have bracelets for him that say "Pray for Forester" and "Hope in the Lord," and I never take mine off. The cool thing about these bracelets is that they glow in the dark! Noly knew that I bought several of them to share with friends and asked for one to wear in the dark.

So, I went to my jewelry box and got one for her...the last one. I brought it to her, and she wondered why hers wasn't glowing. I explained to her that it had been in my dark jewelry box, and it only glowed in the dark after being exposed to the light. I told her to hold it up to her nightlight for a little bit to see if it would glow after that. I didn't know if a nighlight would be strong enough, but I figured it would give her something to concentrate on and forget about the scary dinosaur!

As I went back to bed, I thought about what I had just told her. It wouldn't "shine" if it wasn't exposed to the light. Matthew 5:16 says, "Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven." We can't truly shine unless we are spending time in the presence of God, our "Light." How dull we become when we go on living life without being exposed to Him! But when we are in His presence and when we spend time with Him, we begin to radiate His light in the midst of a dark world. I pray that I glow as brilliantly as this beautiful bracelet that others may see Him and desire Him.

If you would, please take time to pray for my friend, Whitney, and her son, Forester. Today is her birthday, and Forester is in the hospital receiving one of many chemo treatments. They are a family that loves God, and we are praying that these treatments work to conquer the cancer once and for all!

Quick Post with a Praise

I only have a minute to post, but I wanted to share with everyone what we found out last week. My mother-in-law is in remission! We were so happy to hear that! She is still having problems with fatigue and pain in her feet, but she does not have to take a very expensive chemo pill now. We are about to head out to the island to be with them and celebrate Jule's first birthday.

I had better shower while Jule is sleeping. Kevin and Noly went to get Jule a present from his parents.

Happy First Birthday, Jule!

It was one year ago today that my sweet boy was born.

He was a little over 14 hours old at this point a year ago, and I had not held him yet. I was pretty much a wreck because I wanted him to be with me so badly. He was born at 36 weeks exactly and had Respiratory Distress Syndrome. They heard him "grunting" when he was born, so they whisked him off before I got the chance to hold him. That was horrible! I wanted to feel his soft baby skin and kiss and hold him.

After two doses of surfactant for him and three hours of sleep for me, I was able to look at him. I completely broke down, and I felt so sorry for the orderly that was pushing me in a wheelchair. He looked like he was still in high school. I could only stay in the NNICU for a few minutes because they were needing to give him more surfactant, and that was something they would not allow me to watch. I did touch him, and that helped a little, but I wanted to HOLD him! He was on a ventilator and was crying, but no sound was coming out because the tube was down his vocal chords. It was so sad to see him like that.

On Day 2, they moved him from a venitlator to a CPAP machine, and I finally got to hold him.

He was in the NNICU for a week, then he was able to come home! He has had a lot of health issues over the past year, but he is finally starting to outgrow them. We cannot imagine our lives without him now. And though he thoroughly annoys Noly right now, there will come a day when they will play together and enjoy each other's company.

Happy First Birthday, my sweet baby boy!

"The Tunder Wake Me Up!"

Noly had been asleep, but I heard her bedroom door open last night. She told me the thunder woke her up. I assured her that there was no thunder but later realized there WERE fireworks going off in our neighborhood. We let her sleep in our room, and that seemed to fix the problem. I'm worried that she is sleeping in our room too often though. She sleeps with me about once a week, usually when Kevin travels. I'm just afraid that it will get to the point where she wants to be in our room every night. I'm really not sure how to help her with all of the new fears she is experiencing. Any ideas, Mommies? She has a nightlight and a little lamp in her room to help her fear of the dark. We also have a box fan running on high to drown out other noises that may bother her. The babysitter suggested letting her sleep on our floor in her sleeping bag, but I would rather she learn how to sleep in her own room.

Jule was horrible for the babysitter yesterday. He screamed all day and took two naps only lasting 45 minutes total. I thought I would be in trouble last night, but he was happy as can be for me. Maybe he was missing Mommy after being home with me for 3 days? If it was teething, I would have thought he'd be fussy no matter where he was. I was just glad that he was happy and playing! He and Noly are starting to play together, and it is adorable! Most of the time, he annoys her, but she plays well with him off and on.

I have two hours left before I get to leave work. I think we will just have leftovers and play tonight. I enjoy the evenings where we can relax and just "be" together. Tomorrow is Jule's first birthday! My baby is one...where did the time go!

Happy 4th of July

We are having such a nice Holiday weekend! We have mostly stayed home and spent a lot of time playing with the kids. I went through their clothes and pulled out everything that does not fit them anymore. I could not believe how short the 3T long-sleeved shirts were on Noly! Her arms were hanging out! Her pants from last winter were a little short, but the shirts were unbelieveable : )

I have been able little by little to clean the whole downstairs. Maybe this evening, I can clean the upstairs while Kevin plays with the kids. Kevin's parents stopped by to see the kids. His mom is not doing well. Her chemo treatments are really taking a toll on her body. She wanted a laptop for their house so she can work from home, so Kevin & Noly went with them to look for laptops. Jule and I stayed home and ate some lunch. Then, he got into the diapers and pull-ups and had them all over the kitchen floor. He had a wonderful time! I quickly cleaned the downstairs bathroom while he entertained himself. Those are the kinds of messes I like....easy to clean up! After I was done cleaning, I pushed him around the living room, dining room & kitchen in his Cozy Coupe. He sat back and enjoyed it, smiling at me when I would peek around at him. Noly came back exhausted from shopping, so we put her down for a nap after she ate. I think Kevin is going to take her swimming after her nap.

Tomorrow afternoon, we are taking them for professional pictures. I think Jule will cooperate, but we are going to have to bribe Noly. I told her we'd get her a toy from Walmart if she is good and smiles. She usually hates having her picture taken. She said she wanted a Littlest Petshop Scooter??? I don't even know if that exists or how much it would cost. I'd better do some online research.

Since they are both asleep, I should probably clean the Master Bath. That won't wake them up. Happy 4th of July to everyone, and thank you to all of those who have served and are serving our country!