Feeling Silent

I have been feeling so silent lately...like all of my words have been drained from me. I'm physically exhausted and emotionally spent. Jule has been back on a crying spree, and he is spitting up and throwing up frequently. It's been a year now, and I'm just so weary. I want him to feel good and to be happy. He does have his happy moments, but they are so rare and so fleeting.

I also realized that we have spent almost 9 months now with one of us being sick. We get a week break here and there, but someone always has something. Jule and I were sick last week and ended up missing both his 1 year appointment and his rescheduled appointment. Then, Noly came down with a fever and some kind of virus Monday and Tuesday. When I took her to the doctor on her second day with no drinking, I realized it had been 9 months!!! No wonder I feel like I'm burnt out. I thoroughly enjoy my kids, but I feel like I can barely leave the house with them without someone, usually Jule, getting sick. Dr. C explained to me yesterday that the respiratory sicknesses he is having probably stem from vomit getting into his upper respiratory system. Now, if we could just get him to stop losing his lunch, we'd be good???

Each time he gets croup or I hear that all-too-familiar rattling or stridor, my anxiety kicks into high gear. Will we have to call 911 in the middle of the night this time? Will the breathing treatments keep his breathing under control. Very few things in my life have traumatized me to the extent that seeing my child struggling to breathe has. I know that he's not truly mine, but I love him and want to spend many years with him as my son on this earth.

I don't have as much anxiety with Noly because she only had one incident where croup became complicated enough that she needed an injection. It was related to one illness and never happened again. And while she was sick a lot her first winter with the sitter, she only had "normal," non-scary sicknesses. She went through her right-of-passage as a child. I also wonder if Jule's time in the NICU made me more paranoid of his health? Probably.

So, here you have my thoughts. I haven't been blogging much lately because I just really don't have much to say. I have a lot to think about. I will stay on at 30 hours a week. I explained to my babysitter how my boss changed her mind, and she was gracious enough to work with us on it. But by May 2010, we hope to move closer to the church, find a new sitter, and get Noly enrolled in our Church's 4's program. A lot to do, a year to do it, and I know that God has it all under control and has the best interest of my babies at heart. I know He'll show us if he wants us to stay in our currrent location and send her to school at another Christian school that I love. We just need to find someone to watch Jule...sweet, vomiting Jule : )

Frustrated

Today, I am so frustrated. For several months now, we have been planning for me to start working 20 hours a week starting August 1st. When I approached my boss today to remind her that August 1st starts Saturday, it appears that she changed her mind. I'm really, really frustrated. I carry our insurance, so I need to work to keep it. The babysitter needs me to reduce my hours so she can be at her son's ballgames. I'm not sure what I am going to do, but one of my pet peeves is when people change their minds at the drop of a hat when it's something that matters.

I would not mind staying home with the kids, but with Jule's health issues, I highly doubt we would be accepted my any private insurance company. Kevin works in a family business, and there is no option of company insurance though they will pay for whatever insurance we get. The problem is....they can't pay for something we can't get. My boss and the Controller are supposed to talk today. I just don't even know what to do right now. After all, it was my BOSS's idea months ago for me to go down to 20 hours without quitting!!! Grrrr!

Home Today

I am home today. This is the 3rd full day of work I've missed this week. It seems that Jule and I both have a tummy bug...it's not terrible, but it's enough to keep me out of work. I have been spending the day sanitizing the bathrooms and color coding my closet. I have one full trash bag to get to Goodwill and will probably have more, but I'm too worn out to continue.

Jule is supposed to have his 1-Year check-up today, but that depends how my stomach is feeling. It's only 2 miles down the road, but we usually have a long wait...especially at the end of the day. Noly is so excited! She keeps talking about Dr. C and wants to talk to him on the phone...she absolutely adores him! We think it is so hilarious and cute! If we have to reschedule, I'll be sure to take her with us when we do go.

I taught Noly to write her name last night, and the look on her face was priceless! She was so proud of herself. Moments like those are so precious, and I will cherish them for years!

Brown Sugar and Luke 6:38

On the surface, these two do not appear to have ANYTHING in common. Luke 6:38 says, "Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." When I read this verse today, I thought about making Sloppy Joes last night. I always make a northern version, which includes about 1/3 cup of brown sugar. Whenever I make something that includes brown sugar, I always pack it into the measuring cup as tightly as I can, and then I sprinkle a little extra on top...just because I generally like things a tad sweeter.

A portion of one of Third Day's songs started playing in my head..."and you give yourself away, and you give yourself away, and you give, and you give, and you give yourself away. All I want is love, and I confess to this. I will take it, Lord, all You have to give..." A portion of 4 Him's "The Message" also stood out in my mind, "...to give til there is nothing left to give..." Jesus gave it all for me...His very life...everything. My desire is to give my life in the same manner that I give my food brown sugar....not to get, but out of love and out of the overflow of His gift working in my life.

Couponing

I'm trying to get the hang of couponing. Between working 30 hours a week and being a single mom during most of the work week, I just don't have time to save a lot of money. Our weekends are packed full of getting groceries and getting things done around the house that we don't have time to do during the week. We also make it a point to spend a lot of time with the kids. We also have church, which takes up a lot of time because it's a bit of a drive for us. I'm spending my free time at work preparing the weekend grocery list and looking for coupons that will help us out.

This weekend, I spent about $152 on groceries and other household items, and I ended up saving about $42. A lot of this involved stockpiling BOGO items and items that were on sale. I'm hoping to shorten our grocery list in the future since we will not have to buy any of the items that I stockpiled. I still don't think I will become a coupon expert, but I can at least save some money.

Jule was a crab this weekend. We are guessing he is teething yet again because we can't find anything wrong with him. His ears are clear, and he doesn't appear to be sick. He is just crying often and loud. The thing that we find so strange about him is that he is usually distractable when he's in pain. While that is wonderful, we can only exert so much energy in distracting him before we are just worn out. He was great at church and at O'Charley's on Saturday night, but when we were home, we practically had to stand on our heads to get him to stop screaming. He went to bed at 7:30 last night and did not go to sleep. At 9:30, he started crying, so we got him up, and he was happy as can be. I think he went back down around 10:30 and cried himself to sleep. I really hope a tooth pops through soon!!! He has his one-year checkup with Dr. C on Wednesday.

Noly adores a stuffed kitty that one of the other children at the babysitter's has. She has always loved it, and we have searched and searched for one that is similar. Finally, we found one that she loves at Target this weekend. It meows, purrs and moves around. She named it "Mama" and said it was her baby. I'm not sure where her obsession with cats came from because we don't own one...we're both allergic. The babysitter has one, but it's afraid of the kids. Noly took her special new toy to the babysitter's today, and she was so proud of it when she walked in to show the other kids.

We ended the weekend with a delicious meal of Ribeye on the grill and rice pilaf. I hope Jule is good for the sitter today.

Let Your Light Shine

Last night, Noly insisted on taking a toy dinosaur with her to bed. She even had me wrap it up in one of Jule's old receiving blankets so it could be her baby. I heard her singing to it over the monitor, so I thought all was ok. About a half hour later, I heard her crying, so I went in there to find the said dinosaur on the floor. She was crying because she was now scared of it! I don't quite understand, but then again, I'm not 3. As I was comforting her, I pushed the dinosaur under her bed so she couldn't see him anymore.

As I was re-tucking her in, she noticed my bracelet. I mentioned before that my friend, Whitney, has a 7-year-old son who is going through cancer treatments for a brain tumor they found in February. They have bracelets for him that say "Pray for Forester" and "Hope in the Lord," and I never take mine off. The cool thing about these bracelets is that they glow in the dark! Noly knew that I bought several of them to share with friends and asked for one to wear in the dark.

So, I went to my jewelry box and got one for her...the last one. I brought it to her, and she wondered why hers wasn't glowing. I explained to her that it had been in my dark jewelry box, and it only glowed in the dark after being exposed to the light. I told her to hold it up to her nightlight for a little bit to see if it would glow after that. I didn't know if a nighlight would be strong enough, but I figured it would give her something to concentrate on and forget about the scary dinosaur!

As I went back to bed, I thought about what I had just told her. It wouldn't "shine" if it wasn't exposed to the light. Matthew 5:16 says, "Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven." We can't truly shine unless we are spending time in the presence of God, our "Light." How dull we become when we go on living life without being exposed to Him! But when we are in His presence and when we spend time with Him, we begin to radiate His light in the midst of a dark world. I pray that I glow as brilliantly as this beautiful bracelet that others may see Him and desire Him.

If you would, please take time to pray for my friend, Whitney, and her son, Forester. Today is her birthday, and Forester is in the hospital receiving one of many chemo treatments. They are a family that loves God, and we are praying that these treatments work to conquer the cancer once and for all!

Quick Post with a Praise

I only have a minute to post, but I wanted to share with everyone what we found out last week. My mother-in-law is in remission! We were so happy to hear that! She is still having problems with fatigue and pain in her feet, but she does not have to take a very expensive chemo pill now. We are about to head out to the island to be with them and celebrate Jule's first birthday.

I had better shower while Jule is sleeping. Kevin and Noly went to get Jule a present from his parents.

Happy First Birthday, Jule!

It was one year ago today that my sweet boy was born.

He was a little over 14 hours old at this point a year ago, and I had not held him yet. I was pretty much a wreck because I wanted him to be with me so badly. He was born at 36 weeks exactly and had Respiratory Distress Syndrome. They heard him "grunting" when he was born, so they whisked him off before I got the chance to hold him. That was horrible! I wanted to feel his soft baby skin and kiss and hold him.

After two doses of surfactant for him and three hours of sleep for me, I was able to look at him. I completely broke down, and I felt so sorry for the orderly that was pushing me in a wheelchair. He looked like he was still in high school. I could only stay in the NNICU for a few minutes because they were needing to give him more surfactant, and that was something they would not allow me to watch. I did touch him, and that helped a little, but I wanted to HOLD him! He was on a ventilator and was crying, but no sound was coming out because the tube was down his vocal chords. It was so sad to see him like that.

On Day 2, they moved him from a venitlator to a CPAP machine, and I finally got to hold him.

He was in the NNICU for a week, then he was able to come home! He has had a lot of health issues over the past year, but he is finally starting to outgrow them. We cannot imagine our lives without him now. And though he thoroughly annoys Noly right now, there will come a day when they will play together and enjoy each other's company.

Happy First Birthday, my sweet baby boy!

"The Tunder Wake Me Up!"

Noly had been asleep, but I heard her bedroom door open last night. She told me the thunder woke her up. I assured her that there was no thunder but later realized there WERE fireworks going off in our neighborhood. We let her sleep in our room, and that seemed to fix the problem. I'm worried that she is sleeping in our room too often though. She sleeps with me about once a week, usually when Kevin travels. I'm just afraid that it will get to the point where she wants to be in our room every night. I'm really not sure how to help her with all of the new fears she is experiencing. Any ideas, Mommies? She has a nightlight and a little lamp in her room to help her fear of the dark. We also have a box fan running on high to drown out other noises that may bother her. The babysitter suggested letting her sleep on our floor in her sleeping bag, but I would rather she learn how to sleep in her own room.

Jule was horrible for the babysitter yesterday. He screamed all day and took two naps only lasting 45 minutes total. I thought I would be in trouble last night, but he was happy as can be for me. Maybe he was missing Mommy after being home with me for 3 days? If it was teething, I would have thought he'd be fussy no matter where he was. I was just glad that he was happy and playing! He and Noly are starting to play together, and it is adorable! Most of the time, he annoys her, but she plays well with him off and on.

I have two hours left before I get to leave work. I think we will just have leftovers and play tonight. I enjoy the evenings where we can relax and just "be" together. Tomorrow is Jule's first birthday! My baby is one...where did the time go!

Happy 4th of July

We are having such a nice Holiday weekend! We have mostly stayed home and spent a lot of time playing with the kids. I went through their clothes and pulled out everything that does not fit them anymore. I could not believe how short the 3T long-sleeved shirts were on Noly! Her arms were hanging out! Her pants from last winter were a little short, but the shirts were unbelieveable : )

I have been able little by little to clean the whole downstairs. Maybe this evening, I can clean the upstairs while Kevin plays with the kids. Kevin's parents stopped by to see the kids. His mom is not doing well. Her chemo treatments are really taking a toll on her body. She wanted a laptop for their house so she can work from home, so Kevin & Noly went with them to look for laptops. Jule and I stayed home and ate some lunch. Then, he got into the diapers and pull-ups and had them all over the kitchen floor. He had a wonderful time! I quickly cleaned the downstairs bathroom while he entertained himself. Those are the kinds of messes I like....easy to clean up! After I was done cleaning, I pushed him around the living room, dining room & kitchen in his Cozy Coupe. He sat back and enjoyed it, smiling at me when I would peek around at him. Noly came back exhausted from shopping, so we put her down for a nap after she ate. I think Kevin is going to take her swimming after her nap.

Tomorrow afternoon, we are taking them for professional pictures. I think Jule will cooperate, but we are going to have to bribe Noly. I told her we'd get her a toy from Walmart if she is good and smiles. She usually hates having her picture taken. She said she wanted a Littlest Petshop Scooter??? I don't even know if that exists or how much it would cost. I'd better do some online research.

Since they are both asleep, I should probably clean the Master Bath. That won't wake them up. Happy 4th of July to everyone, and thank you to all of those who have served and are serving our country!

One Week from Today...

My baby will be 1. I can't believe it! One year ago today, I was praying that Jule would stay put in my belly until Miriam came back from her 4th of July trip with her family. She was one of my labor coaches with Noly, and I didn't want her to miss out on being there for Jule's birth too! She ended up cutting his cord.


I didn't know it was possible to be this exhausted...or to feel this fulfilled and content that we are done having children. Those two sets of blue eyes have changed not only how I view the world, but also how I view God. I never thought I would go into a store and completely ignore my own clothing sizes only to look at tiny little dresses and shorts, but I do. There were times I wondered if I would ever see my own children meet Mickey Mouse, but I did! I am very thankful to God for blessing me with these two little miracles!


Noly is ever-changing and ever-maturing. The other night, she stuck her tongue out at me. I told her that was not nice and that she had better not do that again. She looked at me with a scowl and said, "Kitty does not like you." When she says "kitty," that means Noly. I told her that was not nice either and made her apologize, which she did and promptly returned to her happy little self. She is getting really agitated with Jule lately because he tries to join her in everything she does. She often does not even like the fact that he's looking at her. I think this is only the beginning of sibling rivalry. I can sympathize with her because I remember my little brother driving me crazy. I am looking forward to the day that they can actually play together...I think it will be soon!


Jule is crawling everywhere and pulling up to everything, including smooth walls and the sliding door. He will pull up on the couch and let go so that he can stand on his own. He gets a huge smile when he is standing there because he knows he is doing it by himself. Then, he smiles when he falls because I make a big deal out of it. He is VERY vocal about everything, which is so different than Noly was. He grunts and groans and makes his desires known, and it is also very easy to get him to giggle. We started weaning him off of bottles and formula about a week ago, and he is doing well. He only gets one bottle of formula each day, and that is right before bed. Otherwise, he gets sippy cups of milk and juice. He doesn't care what style of sippy cup we give him, which is really nice!


Kevin is working a lot, as usual. All of the storms are giving him a lot of work, which is good for the company's profits. He hasn't had kidney stone pain since a couple of days before we left for Indiana, and he never passed a stone, so we have no idea what happened. The doctor told him the stone could dissolve, and we wonder if that is what happened. I'm just glad he is not in pain anymore.


As for me, I started a migraine journal in June, and I looked at it yesterday to see how many I'm averaging a month....14! That means I am in pain and have to take meds almost half of the month. Grrr! I emailed my neurologist to let him know that the daily preventive I take is obviously not working, and he told me just to stick to my med schedule. It's really frustrating because the pain decreases my quality of life, and it's hard to enjoy the laughter of children when it literally hurts your head. I'm probably going to look for a new neurologist to see if there is something that can be done to give me some relief.


I'm so glad that tomorrow is my "Friday." I can't wait to have a nice 3-day weekend at home with my family!