Friday, October 31, 2008

Jeremiah 32:37-41

Just now, I was reading Jeremiah 32. Verses 37-41 say, "I will surely gather them from all the lands where I banish them in my furious anger and great wrath; I will bring them back to this place and let them live in safety. They will be my people, and I will be their God. I will give them singleness of heart and action, so that they will always fear me for their own good and the good of their children after them. I will make an everlasting covenant with them: I will never stop doing good to them, and I will inspire them to fear me, so that they will never turn away from me. I will rejoice in doing them good and will assuredly plant them in this land with all my heart and soul."

A lot of things in this passage hit me. First of all, "let them live in safety" means so much to me personally because my ex-husband was so violent. I look at where I was in 1994-1998, and it is completely the opposite of where I am now. I don't live in fear anymore...I live in safety. I don't sit in my house huddled in a corner cowering...I walk about my house in confidence and assurance that I am safe and loved!

Also, I think it is so cool that it is God's gift to us to give us singleness of heart and action so that we may benefit. So, He's blessing us in order to bless us. It is reiterated in the fact that He will inspire us to fear Him so we won't turn away. Just how much our God loves us is so unsearchable and unfathomable! I can only compare it to the love I have for Noly & Jule. The ridiculous faces I make to get Jule to laugh and the tiny little toy I may buy for Noly because I know it will light up her eyes are just glimpses of the passionate love He has for me. I just glow thinking of Christmas and the glow that Noly will have on her face, and He must delight in my delight...He has to...He's my Daddy.

May I live in such a way that my children grow up knowing they are completely and undeniably loved by not only Kevin and I, but more so by their Creator, their Savior, their Ultimate Daddy.

The Things We Do For Our Children

For my lunch today, I ran around Charleston trying to get Noly a cat costume. She told me she wants to be a kitty last night. I had not asked her because I didn't think she would understand or care...boy, was I wrong! So, I got her ears and a tail at Party City. Then, I searched all over Target and finally bought a BOY's black sweatsuit. The shirt has a picture on it, so I'll just turn it inside out. So much for my relaxing lunch! She's so worth it, though.

First, we'll go to Whit's at 5:30 and have pizza, then we'll do pix and TOT! I wonder what Noly will do? This is only my 2nd Trick or Treat memory in my life. I remember my mom putting us in her shirts and painting our faces maybe as clowns? I think I was around 4. We went to my Grandma and Grandpa's. Beyond that, our church pretty much did not allow any celebration of Halloween. We haven't taken Noly yet just because she was so young. We planned to go last year, but she wasn't feeling well. She screamed when I put her in her Tinkerbell costume just for pictures!

Now, I just have to figure out how to confiscate most of the candy while she is sleeping tonight. I don't let her have candy very often because she gets wild!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Feeling Tired Today

Man, am I tired today! I fell asleep at a decent time last night, but I woke up suddenly around 10:15 thinking I heard Noly. She was asleep in her bed, so it must not have been her. I couldn't get back to sleep, so I took one Tylenol PM. I knew Kevin would be gone tonight, so I had to get some sleep! I'm not sure if the Tylenol PM is making me feel drowsy or what.

We are having a staff meeting in a few minutes, and my boss is providing wings...mmmm! I've successfully eaten in this whole week! I'm trying to limit how often I eat out because the cost really does add up. I realized that, if I spent only $5 a weekday on eating out, it would cost $1,300 a year! If I cut back on that, it will help free up money for other things like Gymboree clothes for the kids : )

I'm getting so excited about Christmas this year. Noly is now at an age where it will mean something to her. Of course, she can understand the presents and Santa and all that, but I think it will be harder for her to grasp the real meaning for a few years. Maybe we can make an eggless birthday cake for Jesus this year to help her begin to grasp that He came as a baby to save her. Jule will, of course, be oblivious to all things Christmas. I think he will like looking at the tree with all the lights and decorations. I looked at our tree box this morning as I was getting into the car. I want to put it up so badly, but I think it's too early. We'll wait for Thanksgiving break, and maybe we can put Jule in his exersaucer and all put it up together! No black Friday shopping for me. I hate the crowds!

31 Things - Sent to my by Elissa

1. Where is your cell phone? clipped onto my pocket
2. Where is your significant other? traveling to Myrtle Beach
3. Your hair color? dark brown and pink
4. Your mother? Vickie
5. Your father? Ron
6. Your favorite thing? Lucky Brand Jeans
7. Your dream last night? Did not have one
8. Your dream/goal? My goal is to make it through Jule's reflux in one piece!
9. The room you're in? Office
10. Your hobby? going to concerts
11. Your fear? that it will be along time before Jule is a consistently happy baby
12. Where do you want to be in six years? same workplace but more challenging job here
13. Where were you last night? at home
14. What you’re not? a stqay-at-home mom
15. One of your wish list items? tile in all the bathrooms
16. Where you grew up? Middlebury
17. The last thing you did? Logged my journal entries in Excel
18. What are you wearing?Brown cords and a blue and brown striped shirt
19. Your TV? is always on Disney for the kids
20. Your pet? gave him to in-laws when Noly was 6 months old
21. Your computer? old at home, Dell at work
22. Your mood? fine
23. Missing someone? my babies & my family in IN
24. Your car? Toyota Matrix
25. Something you’re not wearing? my watch (needs a new battery)
26. Favorite store? Either Lucky Brand or Gymboree...luckily both are at the outlets
27. Your summer? working
28. Love someone? Sure, too many to list
29. Your favorite color? red
30. When is the last time you laughed? when Jule laughed last night
31. Last time you cried? I'm sure it was during one of Jule's crying episodes

Ok, Danette, your turn (once your boys are better)

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Tax Research Resurfacing

Today I realized that I only have 2 more days to make any changes I want to my benefits. I checked into everything, and I wondered if I should start a Dependent Care Account for our daycare expenses. Brenda costs about $14,000 a year, but it is well-worth it to have our kids in a safe place with someone who loves them. The DCA would take money for child care expenses pre-tax. I had to calculate our 1040 hypothetically with and without the spending account, and we came out ahead without it. For some reason, your Dependent Care credit is HUGELY reduced if you use the DCA, and it's not reduced enough to lower your AGI by enough to save you money. So, there is my day in a nutshell. I'm glad I researched it before just signing up blindly!

Jule was a gem last night, smiling and laughing often. It was nice to see him comfortable and happy. I attempted to brush his hair straight, but there is no straightening this boy's curls...I love it! I hope he keeps them! Noly made him laugh for the second time last night. She is so funny to watch with him, and she is getting to be such a little mother. She has completely lost interest in potty training and isn't even waking up dry anymore. Oh well, I don't really care right now. She'll train when the time is right.

I can't wait for Christmas with these two! It is going to be a hoot!

Monday, October 27, 2008

Long Weekend

It was a looooong weekend, but not because of the number of days. Friday night, Jule had a rough evening and would not stay asleep until late. So, I went to the bedroom to watch a movie once he was finally down, and there was water dripping into our room. The paint was peeling off the wall above the window like it was wallpaper. We had at least two leaks in our 8-year-old roof, and one of the windows appeared to be leaking as well. It was pouring down rain, so I knew it was only going to continue through the night.

We also found out that Jule's swing broke. That is usually what we use to get him settled when he wakes up continually in his crib at night. I checked the weight limit because he is so big, and it's 25 lbs, so it's not his weight since he's around 16. We had a spare at the office from when Noly was a baby, so Kevin is going to set that up this morning.

Noly stayed at Diz and Sara's Friday night and kept saying she missed Kevin and I. It is obvious that she is having a hard time dealing with Jule lately. She is just too young to be able to process what is going on. Heck, I'm almost 34 and can't process it. She keeps telling me she misses me whenever I have been away from her. Last night, she was WAY too cute. She was watching a Pooh movie where the little bird was going to fly away. Rabbit was very sad about this, and Noly all of a sudden burst into tears and ran over to me. She said, "I miss you, Mommy. I miss you; I love you." I could tell she was feeling sad because Rabbit was sad but did not know how to express it. I held her close and comforted her, then she became ok as Rabbit became ok. So, yes, she is my replica. I used to do the same thing when I was her age. I used to wail when Puff the Magic Dragon would "sadly slip into his cave." Lately, when Noly cries, Jule will stick his bottom lip out and start to cry too. Two babies crying at once....oh my!

Friday, October 24, 2008

Bearing Each Other's Burdens

So, Elissa came across Galatians 6:2 yesterday, "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." I feel like that's what she did for us last night. She came over and watched both of our kids, and we went out to eat alone. It was so quiet...so peaceful. Nobody was screaming, and our hands were free. Little things like that help me feel human again.

I was thinking about James 2 yesterday. Verses 14-17 say, "What doth it profit, my brethren, though a man say he hath faith, and have not works? can faith save him? If a brother or sister be naked, and destitute of daily food, And one of you say unto them, Depart in peace, be ye warmed and filled; notwithstanding ye give them not those things which are needful to the body; what doth it profit? Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone." I was thinking about how much prayers mean to us right now, but even more so, those that are coming over to physically help make a HUGE difference in our sanity. Once we get through this and I'm more able, I want to put more actions behind my prayers. I can pray for someone who has lost everything in a fire, but it would be even better for me to give them the things they need that I am capable of providing. I'm going to look for ways right now that I can help people even if it is in a limited capacity.

Turns out that SSRI's, which include Lexapro, are dangerous when taken with the amount of migraine meds I take. So, I am just taking anti-anxiety meds as needed. On better days, I can skip it, but it is there for the bad days. I am LOVING "New Day" by Robbie Seay Band, and it will also help carry me through the bad days. Cindy emailed me and is planning to come by next Thursday after work, and Elissa is open to helping again, so maybe we can make it through this difficult thing called reflux.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Went to OB's Office

Well, my OB was out, but I really liked the OB that I talked to. I explained everything to her, and she said I'm having a normal reaction to a stressful life event. Because we are doing all we can for Jule and don't know how long this may last, I am going to take Lexapro to help my stress level. I took it for 6 months when I was going through numerous miscarriages and stopped when I got pregnant with Noly. I remember it taking the edge off of my depression, but this time I'm not depressed. I think it is supposed to help bring your anxiety level down. I do remember that it made me sick for the first week, so they prescribed me Zofran too to help with the nausea. I really hope this helps me not feel like a basket case on the hard evenings.

Kevin should be home around 4, so I at least have another set of hands after work, but it seriously takes 2 adults to care for Jule when he is having a crying session. Maybe the little guy will be happy and will feel like jabbering rather than crying? At least I won't be alone. Elissa is coming over tomorrow night, and I know that will help immensely too. I may send out an email to people that I would trust to keep him overnight to see if anyone could give me just a one night break. To even watch a whole movie sounds soooo awesome. I've tried the past two weekends, but I'm just too worn out from the day with him. My sweet, Jule, I hope you feel better quickly.

I Really Need Help with Jule

I'm sitting in my office with the door closed weeping. Jule is too hard, and it just keeps going and going. I don't want to hurt him or myself, but I really don't want to leave work and face what may happen once we get home. Will he cry 4 hours, 6 hours, not much at all? Who knows...there's no way to predict it.
Cindy came over last night and was a HUGE help to me. I felt like I could keep my head above water because she held and fed him for me. I was able to focus on Noly and eating dinner. I called the nurse, and they called me in some anti-anxiety meds, but I couldn't get to them because the kids needed to go to bed. I'm going to call my OB to get some meds from them, but overall, I will still need help. Kevin will be back in tonight, so it could be a smooth evening...I really hope so.
If anyone can come help, any evening would be so, so much appreciated!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Samson

I'm sure I have heard the story of Samson many times over the years, but I decided to read it again after having a discussion about Samson with Noly & Jule's Pediatrician. There is a certain intrigue in me for any woman in the Bible who had a child after being barren (as the Bible puts it). I knew that Sara, Rebecca, Rachel and Elisabeth had all been barren, but I hadn't realized that Samson's mom was too. These women, like many women today, understood what I went through in my years of infertility. They understood feeling hopeless and desperate, and they also understood what it was like to have a child after years of infertility...the excitement and joy, the fulfillment of a promise.

As I was reading about Samson, I was thinking about how an angel came to Samson's mother and told her to set him apart for God. She was not to cut his hair or drink wine while she was pregnant. I started thinking about how I can set my children apart for God. Of course, it is always my desire to teach them to walk with Him, but how can I set them apart for Him? Today is not like it was thousands of years ago. Noly has already had tons of hair trimmings and I have already had to cut some major knots out of the back of Jule's thick head of curls. So, how do I set them apart? I don't think I really have an answer except to do the best I can to teach them both about Who God is and how much He loves them, to be sensitive to opportunities to teach them about His Word, and to teach them to live their lives in a way that is pleasing to Him.

On a particularly rough evening with Jule, I was alone with the kids and nearing a breakdown. Out of the blue, Noly started singing while she was eating...."Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. The Bible tells me so." It melted me to a point that I was almost weeping, and I'm not a person who cries much. God used my little girl to remind me that He loved me and cared about me. I pray that, as she grows, she continues to know the love of a Savior.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Why Rainy Days and Mondays Don't Always Get Me Down

It's Monday again. Workdays are somewhat easier for me right now because I can eat my meals with two hands and I don't have to try to comfort a screaming baby that won't be comforted. I know that Jule will get better in time, but it's easier to be at work right now. He seems to scream for hours every few days. I'm really not sure what triggers it, and we've found nothing that works to calm him every time. He has days that are better...where he is just a normal baby, and those days are awesome! I can sit on the floor and sit his back up against me and play with Noly. All three of us are happy then! I'm going to send an email to the church asking for help with him...if someone could just come hold him for a couple of hours, it would help our sanity tremendously!

Noly has learned to sing "Jesus Loves Me," and it is SO cute! She sings that and her prayer all the time. I hear, "God, our Father..." all the time without any of the rest of the song. She just repeats that line a lot : )

I finally got tired of the toy takeover in our master bathroom and moved the kids' things into their bathroom. It's smaller, but I should have plenty of room to bathe her in the tub and him in his baby bath at the same time. Noly wasn't really thrilled with her loss of the garden tub, but she will adjust. Jule seemed to like the bright colors in the Pooh bathroom.

I just don't have any deep thoughts lately...they've been sucked right out of me. I think...hmmm...when can I eat and when can I sleep. Everything in between is getting things done like the laundry and cleaning the bottles. Today, I have to go get Noly a winter coat since it's really cold at night all of a sudden. This is why I love rainy days...you put on sweats and stay inside and lounge!

I've been Tagged...Answers for Danette

8 things I did yesterday:
1. Washed, folded and put away 6 loads of laundry
2. Cleaned the bathrooms
3. Played with Noly
4. Rocked Jule
5. Fed Jule
6. Cleaned 2 poopy diapers from 2 different kids
7. Made Sloppy Joes
8. Taught Noly how to Zerbert

8 favorite places to eat:
1. Coldstone Creamery
2. Chick Fil A
3. Chili's
4. Jersey Mike's
5. Olive Garden
6. Essenhaus
7. Grandma's House
8. Home

8 favorite TV shows:
1. Lost
2. Two and a Half Men
3. New Adventures of Old Christine
4. Don't have time for any more TV

8 things I am looking forward to:
1. Jule feeling better
2. Going home for Christmas
3. Possibly going to Disney World for Thanksgiving
4. Noly being potty trained
5. Having time to sing at church again
6. Putting up the Christmas tree with Noly
7. Hearing Jule belly laugh
8. Having a baby that does not cry all the time

8 things on my wish list:
1. Totally wish I was closer to family
2. That 4 Him would get back together : (
3. That Jule would feel better
4. That we get to go to Disney for Thanksgiving
5. That Noly will be easy to potty train
6. That I was not allergic to eggs
7. That Jule is happy enough for Kevin to get his vasectomy soon
8. That the house would clean itself

Tagging:
Trisha Fipps
Elissa Pulaski

Thursday, October 16, 2008

A Prayer and a Nursery Rhyme

One thing I fogot to blog about that I do not want to forget is Noly's prayer. She learned to sing, "God our Father" at preschool. She sings...."God our Father, God our Father...Once again, Once again...yes Sir, yes Sir, three bags full....All the men, All the men." Guess she's getting it confused with "Baa, Baa, Black Sheep."

Drowning

I feel like I'm drowning. There is way too much going on right now. We went to Noly's 3-Year Check-up yesterday. I told Dr. C that I had left a message with his nurses that we didn't have a Specialist appointment yet. He said he never got it and said we would have an answer before we left there. He's such an awesome Pediatrician! He prayed for Jule as Noly ran around the room swinging his stethoscope. Noly checked out fine...31.6 lbs, 36 inches tall. I have no clue what percentile she's in because I have too much on my mind to ask.
We left the appointment, and when we got to the car, it wouldn't start! Ugh...Kevin was out of town. This is a 2005 Toyota with 35,000 miles on it. It should start! I gave it some gas, and it finally started. Then, I had to get a prescription filled for Miralax for both kids since they are both constipated. Also, Dr. C said to start Jule on solids because he exceeds the weight they usually suggest solids for AND he is guzzling 8 ounces and is still hungry.
I fed him peas last night, and he liked them. He didn't make any funny faces or anything, just ate happily. This morning, he spit out the rice cereal and cried...so he doesn't like rice cereal : ) I dropped them off at Brenda's and was on my way to work when the phone rang. I remembered to put Jule's formula in the bag, but I forgot the bottles.
It feels like I'm underwater. I'm trying to work full-time, take care of and spend fun time with both of my kids, feed the kids, get them bathed and to bed, walk and rock Jule when he's fussy, call Toyota and take my car to get looked at, drive to Savannah for Jule's appointment, go to my in-laws' for a party for Noly this weekend, and fit my own meals and sleeping in there somewhere. It's not like I keep the house immaculate, though I wish I could. I put my energy into just keeping up with laundry and the dishwasher. We have to have clean burp cloths, clothes and bottles. Sometimes, the laundry doesn't even get folded for days. We just pull clean things out straight from the basket.
It would be nice if my family lived closer and could take the kids even for a day. That would help so much. I'm going to a music meeting at church Saturday morning and will put the kids in the nursery, so I will have 2 hours to not worry about anything else. Maybe this Specialist can help Jule and give me more time to do the things other than comforting him. He HAS done better since Saturday, but he's still not right. He's not acting like a completely normal baby, but closer to one.
Maybe I will just sleep all the way to Savannah and back while Kevin drives?

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Noly's First Carnival

Today, Noly's preschool had a Carnival. I took my lunch break early and went to be with her. They had a hayride...quite bumpy I must say...a picture, a pinata and some booths. I was surprised that she was afraid of the pinata. It was a purple bat, and she wouldn't go near it until the teacher finally ripped it open and let the candy fall to the ground. Then, she very carefully picked up one piece at a time and put it in her bag...not the mad rush I expected. We had a nice time, and she gladly stayed behind to eat her candy. I was afraid she would want to leave with me.

Jule had a decent evening last night. Miriam and Elizabeth came over and brought Noly a gift, and Jule smiled over and over at Elizabeth. It was adorable! He ended up falling asleep with his 8:00 bottle and slept until 1:30 AM. Then, he woke up crying and chugged a whole 8 ounces. What am I going to feed this baby? He eats SO much. I've noticed in the past few days that not as much is coming up also. I'm really hoping he is outgrowing whatever has been wrong, but I don't really know what is wrong. We see the Pediatrician today for Noly's 3-year checkup, and I'll ask him where we stand in terms of a Specialist appointment.

I am completely exhausted from being awake from 1:30-3am. Kevin fed Jule, but he was crying a lot, so I couldn't sleep. Then, the alarm went off at 5:30...way too early. Kevin will be out of town tonight, so I need to be awake enough this evening to get the two kids through baths, etc. I think he's only staying out one night, and that will help.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Let Us Not Grow Weary while Doing Good

It's the title of a Children's song by Steve Green. "Let us not grow weary while doing good. In due season, we shall reap." It's taken directly from Galatians 6:9. As I left work yesterday, I was dreading going home. Kevin's parents had Noly, so that meant I only had to take care of Jule...but that meant I had to take care of Jule...alone. He's just so difficult. It seems like no matter what we try, he is not happy for longer than a few minutes. That Scripture came to mind, and it reminded me that, in time, he will get better. He won't cry excessively forever. Either we will get to a specialist for help, or he will grow out of it. It's just SO hard to hold on to that fact sometimes.

What helps is seeing his precious smiles and hearing his sweet coos. I love seeing him happy and watching him learn new things. He is trying desparately to laugh and is sooo close to doing it. He is also trying to roll over from his tummy to his back, and I see hints that he is trying to roll from his back to his tummy too. In the past couple of days, he has found his hands. He mostly tries to suck on the back of his hand, but he also rubs his eyes when he is tired...so cute! He is such a cuddly baby, and I hope he stays that way for a long time!

Noly's 3rd Birthday is today! We both woke her up and quietly told her Happy Birthday. We took her downstairs and gave her a present and sang to her. She wanted to stay home with us and did not want to go to Brenda's, but I told her she was having a Birthday party there today. I told her all about her cupcakes, and she seemed fine with going then. She was so cute when she carried her cupcakes into Brenda's and wanted to eat them for breakfast! Yuck! She definitely descended from my mom.

I think Kevin will be home tonight. He's trying his best to stay home more often until Jule gets better. Brenda's birthday is tomorrow, so I'll probably take Noly to the store to buy Brenda some flowers from the kids. Other than that, I hope to get to bed early so I can wake up renewed tomorrow morning. Oh, Jule drank 8 oz last night...he's such a big boy!

Monday, October 13, 2008

The Hearts & Flowers Keep Disappearing!

My very ambitious daughter keeps waking up dry! The only problem is, she is still peeing in her pull-ups shortly after waking up even though we have her sit on the potty right away. I tell her that the pee-pee makes the hearts and flowers disappear, and she looks at me with a look of deep understanding and says, "Oh, sure." I think that she is starting to be able to hold it when she's sleeping, which is a very promising sign. She just doesn't understand that she has to tell me BEFORE she goes. I'm sure she'll catch on soon.

Jule, sweet Jule, our ever-fussy baby. He is still having major problems with fussiness, screaming, and spitting up. He'll be 14 weeks tomorrow, and this all started at 4 weeks. I must admit that I am beyond exhaustion. I never dreamed it would continue past the 12 weeks mark because that's when Noly's colic ended...but this isn't colic. We have not heard from the doctor and do not have a Specialist appointment until December 2 at this point. Noly has her 3-year check-up on Wednesday, so I'm going to talk to the doctor then if I don't hear from him before that. We're very willing to drive to Savannah if it means they can give Jule (and us) some relief.

We spend our evenings taking turns holding him. It's not that he always stops crying when we hold him...it just makes him a tiny bit happier, and if he gets too worked up, he ends up spitting up and refluxing more. It's a vicious cycle. He slept 12.5 hours Saturday night, and it was so nice to get up Sunday morning before he woke up and do some very quick housework. I wish we could take away his pain. I wish we could help him keep his bottles down, but nothing we try seems to make a HUGE difference except for keeping him from lying on his back. Someone told me how to double-sheet his crib, and that has helped immensely. It only takes seconds to get him a fresh sheet when he is having a particularly rough evening...sweet Baby.

We had Noly's 3rd Birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese on Saturday. The Pulaskis, Bradburns and Williams came. It was a load of fun for Noly, but she became overwhelmed when we gathered around her to sing Happy Birthday. She is more outgoing than she used to be but still does not like that much attention. I love how she is not a bit afraid of Chuck E. or anybody dressed up as a character for that matter. She just wants to kiss and hug them until they have to pull her off : ) She got some really cool presents and loved them all! She got some little playsets with little pieces, so I helped her organize the different sets in different bags so she wouldn't lose the tiny pieces. Kevin commented that our Type A child did not need any further organization skills (what can I say, she's her mother's child).

In all, it was a nice weekend. I pray that this week brings us word of a GI Specialist appointment.

Friday, October 10, 2008

The Economic Crisis

Well, it's finally hitting home. I was innocently sitting in my office when I got the dreaded email. I have a job at the State, a nice cushy job, and there could be danger in the future. The State has already made budget cuts. It's possible there could be 14 million more in budget cuts in the near future. The University is going to make cutbacks that don't involve employees, and we hope it doesn't get to the point that employees start getting laid off. Ugh!

Financially, we need me to have my job. Above all, we need this insurance. My migraine meds alone are $250/month without insurance, and I HAVE to have that prescription filled every month. And Jule....what if he needs surgery? He already needs to see a Specialist and needs testing. So many thoughts are running through my head, but God is bringing me back. When I was pregnant with Jule and scared of losing him, God spoke Psalm 46:10 to my heart..."Be still, and know that I am God..." Ok, be still. He's more than taken care of my every need to this point in my life; He wouldn't stop now.

Psalm 46
"1God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.
2Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;
3Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof. Selah.
4There is a river, the streams whereof shall make glad the city of God, the holy place of the tabernacles of the most High.
5God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved: God shall help her, and that right early.
6The heathen raged, the kingdoms were moved: he uttered his voice, the earth melted.
7The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah.
8Come, behold the works of the LORD, what desolations he hath made in the earth.
9He maketh wars to cease unto the end of the earth; he breaketh the bow, and cutteth the spear in sunder; he burneth the chariot in the fire.
10Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
11The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah.

This entire Psalm speaks of God's sovereignty...His completely capable power and control. I may need to read this a lot in the upcoming weeks.

A Wedding and a Funeral

Last night, we went to a friend's wedding. It was one of Kevin's long-time friends, so that meant we were going to see a group of people that we had not seen in awhile. When I first moved here, all of Kevin's friends became my circle of friends, but as I was here longer, I got to know more people through College and Church. The wedding was nice, and my mind was racing back into the not-so-distant past. I thought about how much I have changed since I last saw our friends. In a sense, I felt like there was a funeral for the person I used to be.

We used to go camping and dirt-biking/4 wheeling in the nearby National Forest together. It was a fun, care-free time! The dare-devil that I am, I remember the dirt on a trail pulling me right into a tree when I was riding my dirtbike. No harm done...at least to me, maybe a small dent in my bike. I remember dirt-biking in the morning, then going to my Accounting classes covered in dirt and smelling like gas and oil...not your typical Accounting student.

Part of me misses those days, but the other part of me LOVES where I am now. I didn't have Noly or Jule back then. I also didn't know many of my friends that are so dear to me now. That part of me still exists, but I think it will have to be put on hold until my kids get older. They are my priority now, and it thrills me just as much to see them accomplish each milestone. I so loved hearing my daughter cry, "I want my mommy" last night...I just wish it wouldn't have been while the bride was walking down the aisle!

Overall, it was a good time. We are all tired today from being up later than usual, but it's the weekend, so it doesn't really matter. Tonight, I will get Noly to help me put the grab-bags together for her birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese tomorrow. Oh, and Kevin will need to go pick up some cupcakes since I can't touch eggs to make them myself. Oh, and I'll need to wrap Noly's birthday presents. Oh, and...it doesn't stop, does it? Being a Mommy is a thrill-seeking, adventurous, ever-changing story with little, tiny characters and tons of tears and giggles.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

"Forgive as the Lord forgave you."

I was reading in Colossians 3 this morning...taking a break from trying to balance a ridiculously messy Bank Reconciliation. Verses 12-14 say, "12Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."

I started thinking about the way that God forgives me. He doesn't forgive me in a way that holds all of my wrongs over my head. He forgives me "as far as the east is from the west." Honestly, that is not how I function. I tend to store my hurts and disappointments in a compartment that I can pull out whenever I feel I need vindication. That's not the way it should be. If I'm truly living in love, with compassion and humility, I'm going to forgive...really forgive. Guess that's something I need to be working on and growing in. That is the kind of forgiveness I want to teach my children.

We had a really rough evening last night. Jule was very fussy and spitty for Brenda yesterday. He fell asleep on the way home and would not wake up even at 5PM. So, I gave he and Noly a bath, which I knew would wake him up. He woke right up and was happy, even though he was still spitting up a good bit. He was happy until around 8 PM, then he cried, screeched and spit up until he fell asleep for the night. I was so thankful Kevin was home to walk him around because I wanted to take a bath and go to bed early. For some reason, Noly went to bed at 7:30 but did not fall asleep until around 9. She kept crying and saying her ears, neck and bug bites were hurting her. We gave her Tylenol just in case her ears were hurting, but I really think she just didn't want to go to bed.

This morning, I asked Noly if she wanted to use the Dora potty when I woke her up. I noticed that her diaper was fairly dry. To my amazement, she did and she peed a ton! I was so proud of her for holding it for the potty! I put on her special Princess pull-ups, and she was beaming with pride...so cute. Jule was all smiles this morning and was back to a normal amount of spit-up. He let out a tiny happy screech, so I hope he'll be laughing soon! Baby laughter is one of my favorite things in the world.

I'm currently waiting to receive Marty Magehee's new solo CD in the mail. It's been something I've been anxiously waiting to hear since 4 Him's finale concert in September 2006. I still have some sadness when I think about that concert. It was the last time I would see the guys together on stage, and their music had been such a big part of my healing during all of my miscarriages. Music has not been the same for me since that night. I found a few groups/solo artists that I can give or take, but nothing quite compares to 4 Him. Oh well, change continues throughout life. If everything was always the same, I would live in boredom.

Ahhhh....back to the exceedingly long Bank Reconciliation.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

To Potty Train, or Not to Potty Train...THAT is a HUGE Question!

Yesterday, I took Noly to Walmart after work to purchase a few needed potty training items. I let her choose a seat with handles that goes on top of the big potty because she does not like the little potty chairs. She, of course, chose Dora. I then let her choose new undies, and again, she chose Dora. She proudly carried around her new purchases and could not wait to put them to good use when we got home. We also bought pull-ups because I'm not ready to clean up pee-pee messes with a screaming baby!

After all of this to-do about going on the big potty, she did not go one time last night. Instead, she peed in every pull-up I put on her. It didn't bother me one bit. I really don't think she understands the feeling before she has to go. When she is truly ready, we will have everything we need : ) I figure we will work on it, at her pace, until then. I'm not really ready for my baby to grow up anyway!

Jule did ok last night. He did not take an afternoon nap, so he was very tired. He was partially content as long as I held him. He eventually fell asleep around 6:45 after his bath but was back up and fussy from 7:30-8:45. I think I made it to bed by 9 or 9:30 but can't really remember.

As I sat rocking him last night, I wanted him to hurry and go to sleep so I could get some time alone. Then, I thought about Noly and how quickly she's grown into my big girl rather than my baby, and I sat and rocked him for awhile, enjoying his baby scent and baby soft cheeks. All too soon, I will be buying pull-ups for him. He won't need me to rock him anymore.

It made me sad to think of not having a baby anymore, but pregnancy is just too hard on my body and too risky for my babies. So, this morning, I remembered to sign the consent laying on the counter for Kevin's vasectomy. I will miss having babies, but I'm done. I'll just have to enjoy the time I have right now while they think I'm the coolest person on earth...gotta love that!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Beloved Geeky

I changed the name of this blog...partly because the old name was too long. Beloved Geeky makes absolutely no sense unless you know Noly VERY well! Her blankey is her Geeky and she LOVES it! She makes her daddy carry it on his shoulder when he carries her to bed. She loves to inhale the scent of it when I pull it out of the dryer announcing that Geeky is all clean. Unfortunately, it was Savannah's and is from Portugal, so we cannot get another one to rotate. We don't allow her to take it out of the house, so I'm hoping it will last until she is ready to part with it.
I wonder what Jule will attach to. He HATES pacis. No matter how hard we try to get him to take one, he pushes it out with his tongue and acts like we've given him something disgusting. I'm a tad afraid he will suck his thumb or fingers because he's pretty good at that. I imagine that's a harder habit to break than a paci habit because you can't take their hand away. Oh well, he won't get married with his thumb in his mouth.
I'm sure our journey into parenthood is just beginning with these two little ones....

Chocolate and Potty Training

I was thinking about two things on the way home from work last night...chocolate and prayer. The two do not seem to relate to each other in any way, but they have one thing in common...my nearly three-year-old daughter, Noly.

Noly is the epitome of energy, sensitivity and laughter all rolled into one. Her big blue eyes can melt your heart even when you are trying to punish her for doing something wrong. She started Preschool just a few weeks ago and loves every minute of it. Now, since Noly was small, we have been teaching her to pray before she eats. I taught her a short prayer because of her short attention span. We have always said, "Dear God, thank You for our food. Amen." The Preschool has another approach....they sing the prayer. This seems to have struck a note with her, and she now offers to pray.

Lately, I have been so tired from working, having a fussy baby and taking care of a toddler that I find myself with my elbows on the dinner table and my hands clasped together. I didn't think a thing of it until Noly started to sing her prayer in the middle of our meal. Oh yeah, that's what we do when we clasp our hands! It is so precious and priceless to me that I now do it on purpose just to hear her sing. I thought of how the Bible says in 2 Timothy 4 to be "instant in season, out of season" and in 1 Thessalonians 5 to "pray without ceasing." Always ready...always connected to God. I pray this is the kind of relationship my little girl has with God.

On another note, as of two days ago, Noly decided to potty train. She is doing well, and she requires that every attempt be rewarded with M&M's. This is so strange to us because she has always refused to eat chocolate. She would turn her nose up at anything brown or anything sweet. We didn't mind it...just thought it was odd. As of last night, every time ANY of us go to the bathroom, Noly insists on picking out a certain color of M&M for us...so much for losing all of my baby weight!

This morning was more of a delightful morning than most. Jule woke up after Kevin gave him his bottle. He usually just falls back to sleep. Kevin put him in his carseat so he could get something else done, and Jule looked at me and smiled and cooed. He then looked at Noly and got a huge grin on his face. So, we all spent part of our morning gathered around our little man talking to him and enjoying the coos and wide-mouthed smiles. Soon he'll be giggling, and I hope that soon, his pain will be gone.

Monday, October 6, 2008

A Chewing of the Word

Right now, my husband and I are going through a rather tough ordeal. Our 3-month-old son cries excessively and spits up or throws up frequently. He had a test 3 days ago that showed a problem with his esophagus. So, we're in the "in-between" stage. We know something is definitely wrong, but we have no idea what it is. We await an appointment with a GI Specialist and may have to drive 1.5 hours to go to one when there is one 20 minutes from home that is booked.

With this weight on my shoulders, I went to church Saturday night to be filled up. The Pastor was talking about the Word dwelling in us. He used an example of chewing seeds. As I sat here lacking words to describe everything that is resonating in my head, I remembered that Psalm 119 is about the Psalmist's love for the Word. These are the verses that stuck out:

Psalm 119
V.15 "I ponder every morsel of wisdom from you, I attentively watch how you've done it."
V.25-32 "I'm feeling terrible—I couldn't feel worse! Get me on my feet again. You promised, remember? When I told my story, you responded; train me well in your deep wisdom. Help me understand these things inside and out so I can ponder your miracle-wonders. My sad life's dilapidated, a falling-down barn; build me up again by your Word. Barricade the road that goes Nowhere; grace me with your clear revelation. I choose the true road to Somewhere, I post your road signs at every curve and corner. I grasp and cling to whatever you tell me; God, don't let me down! I'll run the course you lay out for me if you'll just show me how."

We can only succeed in going where God is leading in our search for healing for Jule. Pastor Mike anointed Jule and prayed over him. I know that God can heal Him, but if He doesn't, then I know that He will lead us to the Doctor that He has for him. Even if we have a long drive ahead of us, I know that God has our course mapped out for us, and we will benefit by following His course.

Verse 25 "I'm geeling terrible..." is spot-on with what I feel right now. I want my son to be healthy, and I want to take his pain away. I'm helpless beyond what a mother's love can do. So, I will chew on the Word, on every Word, that God speaks to me. Third Day's "Revelation" was playing on the radio earlier today, and that is what I need....a revelation.