One More Preventive Down the Drain

I haven't posted much because I've been in a lot of pain most of the time still. I tried Lyrica, and it turned out to be horrible for me. One dose was all I needed to know I did not want to try it ever again. I bought some herbal pills to try (Magnesium), but I don't want to try them until I have a break from the side effects of the Lyrica.

Jule had some lip problems this past week. Monday, he was running through the tile kitchen and fell on his face. He hit his upper lip and had a cut with quite a bit of swelling. He was ok in general, but he would not eat the rest of the night, even his favorite foods. By Tuesday morning, he was back to eating normally. Then, unfortunately, Tuesday night, he had another lip injury. A 9-year-old knocked him over with the door at the Chick-Fil-A play area. His bottom lip must have taken most of the impact because he bit right through his bottom lip. I think I was more traumatized than he was, but I know it hurt. He screamed for quite awhile, and it took a lot to get it to stop bleeding, but it did not need stitches. AND he was already eating by the time we got home. I don't understand the difference.

We are so pleased that he has gone 5 months with absolutely no croup! God truly blessed us overflowing with wisdom when we asked! It is so nice to be able to relax more when he gets a cold. He has been much healthier overall since we took him out of daycare.

Noly is loving school and is already reading and writing at a first grade level! I'm so glad she enjoys learning. She is sweet and is already starting to show the attitude of a 16-year-old sometimes...something I don't like that she is learning at school. It's ok though...we are working on it.

My Grandpa has been in the hospital almost non-stop since my Grandma died. Some of it is strokes, some kidney stones, some a fractured back...multiple reasons. But, recently, the hospital told him he cannot live at home alone any longer. He will have to go to an assisted living facility once he is healthy enough to leave the hospital. It has been tearing me apart because that means the Bank will be taking their home. They did a reverse mortgage maybe about 10 years ago, so he will have 2 months to get everything out once he is officially declared to be unable to live alone. He BUILT that house with his own hands about 50 years ago. It's the only house I've ever known them to live in. It holds so many memories. They've even had the same phone number my whole life. It's very painful, but I know it's just something I need to work through. We will have to go in a couple of months to get the items we would like before they do an estate sale. That will be hard, but I'm thankful that we get the chance to have some of their things that hold sweet memories. We even lived in their finished basement during some times when we had a house built, remodeled, etc...so my family even lived there briefly too.

Please pray that the Insurance will approve the Botox soon so I can live again. I really enjoyed the week I had home with only one migraine. It was awesome! I would love to experience that again!

Plagues

Please bear with me if this is random or odd because my head is still killing me...

I have been reading through the Bible through youversion.com, and I have been reading about the plagues God brought on Egypt that caused them to let His people leave their lives of slavery. For several of the plagues, the Bible mentions that God kept the plagues from touching the Israelites. I noticed that the last plague was different. The Passover required them to obey God in order to be spared from the plague...from the death of their firstborn. I wonder why it was that they were automatically spared during the earlier plagues but not for the last one. I noticed that there are a lot of times that God requires obedience while they are wandering in the wilderness...like not gathering too much manna. I think obedience to Him is huge, and I try to keep that in mind when I feel like a mean mommy when disciplining my kids.

That's all my brain can tolerate right now. We are still waiting for Botox approval, and my migraines are at least 6 days a week. Some days, I'm not in pain the whole day, and those are the times we try to get out and have some fun. The past two nights, they have hit around 10 pm because our weather is going from really nice during the day to very cold at night. My head just can't take the pressure changes.

I'm so thankful that I'm able to be home. Jule is hilarious, and I enjoy having more relaxing evenings with Noly rather than trying to hurry through everything just to get ready for the next workday. Tonight, I had our tv on in our room while I was downstairs getting ready to go up for bed. I heard Jule singing and moving around and could not see him on his monitor, so I knew he was toward the foot of his bed. I came upstairs and closed our bedroom doors so that he would not see any light. I had no idea he could actually see the tv from his bed, but it sounded like he could. When I shut the door, I heard, "Oh man, the door is closed!" And he promptly went to sleep :)

I Am Here

That about sums it up at the moment...I am here. I am alive. I have moments when I feel very much alive, and I have a TON of moments when I am in so much pain. My migraines have become a daily occurrence now. I have even doubled the dosage on my preventive, but to no avail. Now, I am getting some pretty bad side effects on top of the migraines. I cannot keep my blood sugar up. I found myself devouring almost an entire bag of cotton candy on Saturday within minutes and probably could have continued eating it until I was sick. That is not normal for me. I was able to function after that much sugar, and this was after a full well-balanced meal.

Sunday, I went to church to play after having been up at 3 am with a migraine. My right eye was swollen and very bloodshot from all of the pressure, and I was feeling very off. I made it through rehearsal and through the first service, but I had to go home after the first service after nearly vomiting on stage during the last set. Apparently, all of the migraine meds and the amount of sugar I had consumed led into another bout with serotonin syndrome. I feel like I can't win medication-wise. I have a call into my Neuro to see where to go from here and to see where my Botox request stands with the insurance company.

I am pretty miserable, but I'm so thankful that I get to be home and don't have the stress of working every day. Jule has been a doll, and I love the time I'm getting with him. When I'm feeling good, we go to parks and have as much fun as we can. When I'm feeling bad, we do puzzles and watch cartoons. Noly is doing great at school and loves riding the bus home every day. I have tried to make our evenings fun and creative because I feel like it keeps her busier so she won't miss Kevin as much.

All in all, migraines are bad, but God is still good.

A Reunion

Imagine that your children are away from you doing something. When they return, there is a child missing, and all that remains of your child is his/her torn clothing. You are told that your child is dead. How tormenting that would be...how gut-wrenching! Imagine that years go by and that you ache to hold your child again...to see your child's face again. Imagine what it could be like to find out many, many years later that your child is very much alive, and imagine what the embrace would be like when you see that child's face again! Jacob experienced this.

I have been reading this week about the story of Joseph. Of course, I have grown up hearing about how Joseph's brothers sold him into slavery and told their father that he was dead. I remember hearing about what amazing things God did in Joseph's life despite the betrayal of his brothers. I don't think I had ever thought about it from a parent's perspective, and as I read about Jacob and Joseph seeing each other for the first time, I was so blown away. I cannot imagine the emotion that must have surrounded that event. It is something that I would love to have witnessed.

The belief was that Joseph was dead. The truth was that Joseph was alive. Sometimes, our belief is that something within us has died...maybe a dream, maybe the ability to open up and love...it could be anything. The truth is that our God, Who raised Lazarus from the dead, can bring to life whatever seems to us to be dead. In all reality, it is living beneath the surface. He is fashioning it, pruning it, doing amazing things with it...all while we don't even believe in the possibility of the existence of life anymore. God did such extraordinary things through the life of a son that Jacob thought did not even walk the face of the earth anymore. And though all we may see is death, God is breathing life. I pray that God makes us aware of the reality that there is truly life where we have believed there is death. And when we reunite with the truth of life, may it be life-changing.

If You Knew Me

if you knew me...you would know that my heart hurts almost as much as my head

if you knew me...you would know that i hate watching others live normal lives

if you knew me...you would know that i would rather not be laying on the couch

if you knew me...you would know i would much rather be on the floor playing

if you knew me...you would know that i am so tired of being in pain

if you knew me...you would know that i am terrified to take my kids to the zoo alone

if you knew me...you would know that i want to do and be so much more

if you knew me...you would know that most days i cannot even walk out the door

if you knew me...you would know that i have a migraine right now

if you knew me...you would know that i strongly believe in the one who can cure

if you knew me...you would be my friend even though the pain can make me unreliable

if you knew me...you would know i would do almost anything to be able to be there for u

my heart hurts tonight because the pain is just so frequent and all consuming. i feel so alone so often. i struggle to do the simplest tasks that most do easily. i do not live in my own strength because it is not something i have a lot of. i live on the manna he provides. i live...i survive...hoping for what i do not see...praying for what does not yet exist...clinging to the knowledge that he does see and hear and care. i do weep...but i also rejoice in the fellowship of his suffering.

Feeling Alive!

Sorry this post looks weird, but I can't figure out a way to change it.

I guess that's always a good thing, right? To feel alive? As it turns out, quitting my job has brought me so much joy, so much peace, so much thankfulness to God. I've been an organizing and cleaning maniac but almost have everything caught up to where I want it. I have enjoyed cuddling and playing with Jule during the day. I did not know it was possible, but he is even more attached to me now than he was. Tomorrow is the first time Noly will not be attending the aftercare program at school. She went last week since there was only school 3 days anyway, and it allowed me to adjust to being home. I'm not sure what she thinks of me being home, but I think she will love it when she is not at school.

I was reading Jeremiah 31 tonight, and verse 28 really stuck out..."And it shall come to pass, that like as I have watched over them, to pluck up, and to break down, and to throw down, and to destroy, and to afflict; so will I watch over them, to build, and to plant, saith the LORD." The years we are coming out of have been very difficult. It literally felt like I was being torn down and pulled apart. It was not fun, and it did not make me happy. But I'm sure that God was doing a work. He was removing what needed to be absent so that He could build and plant the design He has for our lives. I made up a quote tonight that just felt so right..."Only God's hand can create the masterpiece that only His eyes can see. Trust Him to make you more beautiful that you can imagine!" I realized that I cannot even begin to see or envision the design and layout He has for my life. So, HE is the only one that can make the beautiful masterpiece that He has all planned out. His thoughts are so much higher, and I'm excited to see what He is going to do!

Staying Home

So far, being home with Jule has been wonderful! Just removing the pressure of me having to try to be at work every day has made such a difference in my stress level! Jule keeps saying, "I no want to go to school." I tell him he doesn't have to anymore, but I'm not sure he quite gets it yet. Noly will love being home with us on the days she doesn't have school.

I spent a good amount of time cleaning the front porch and giving the shutters a fresh coat of paint. I still need to paint the pillars on the front porch, but I'll save that for when Kevin is in town and can keep Jule occupied. That was quite challenging. So far this morning, we are still in our jammies, and it feels wonderful!