November 2009 Closes

At the end of every month, I total up the number of migraines I had that month. I'm keeping a log for my Neurologist. November brought a whopping 19 migraines my way. Needless to say, it has been a very trying month for me both physically and emotionally. I'm still not at a place where the doctors have helped me, and I often lay in bed at night wondering how I am going to make it through this time and if the pain will be something I will have to endure the rest of my life. I am going to a new Neurologist tomorrow morning, and I am hoping he will be able to help me.

I was reading II Peter 3 today, and a couple of things really hit me. Verses 10-11 say, "But the day of the Lord will come like a thief. The heavens will disappear with a roar; the elements will be destroyed by fire, and the earth and everything in it will be laid bare. Since everything will be destroyed in this way, what kind of people ought you to be? You ought to live holy and godly lives." I immediately thought about how what is happening right now will not exist on the other side of eternity. Even if I live my whole life in physical pain, my life with my God will be pain-free and heartache-free. It is of great importance to me that, even if the pain of migraines limits my quality of life, my life is spent teaching my children to know God, to love God, and to live in a right relationship to Him. This world and its ways will pass, but God will never pass and never change. And I do know He hasn't changed because I'm in pain nor is He punishing me. It just IS this way in a fallen world.

The other verses that spoke to me were verses 8-9..."But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." One of my coworkers just brought in his 1-week-old baby. It took me back to the days that my kids were newborns. Those memories automatically go hand-in-hand with my days of infertility for some reason. It was so surreal how I held in my arms the promises that I had waited so long for. But really, to God, it wasn't that long. God wasn't slow in bringing my babies to me. His timing was perfect. He does nothing that lacks perfection.

So, I know I need to hang in and hold on. Right now, Jule squeals like a teenage girl at a concert, and too soon, Noly will BE a screaming teenage girl at a concert. I'm praying for wisdom for the Neurologist tomorrow and tolerance in my body for what he thinks may work.

Thank God for Parents!

I haven't posted lately because I haven't been feeling very good. I started the Topamax on Tuesday night and then started a very small dose of Lexapro on Wednesday morning. We're trying everything we can to give me migraine relief. I ended up leaving work Wednesday afternoon because I was in such a fog that I couldn't remember where my car was parked. Then, by Wednesday night, I was incredibly sick to my stomach, felt like my back was covered in fire and wanted to cut my arms off. Needless to say, the Topamax wasn't working with my body.

I've continued on the low dose of Lexapro, and finally have had several migraine-free days since Friday. The only problem is that my stomach is very upset from it, so I've been living on Zofran quite frequently. I'm really hoping to be able to get back to work tomorrow. Being home constantly for almost a week has gotten very boring.

My Dad's factory closed down for the week of Thanksgiving, so he and my mom drove the 15 hours down and got here Saturday night. They have been a tremendous help with the kids and have had a lot of time to play with them. Dad is golfing today, Jule is at the sitter's, and Mom is taking Noly to the beach to build sand castles. I'm home trying to get my stomach settled enough to leave the house. I may try to study while I'm home alone, but I'm afraid that it may induce a migraine. I'm praying that I can go to work tomorrow...I actually miss it!

Falling Apart

So, I'm kind-of falling apart. I took Prednisone from Friday through Sunday, and now I've had a migraine since Sunday night. My family doctor put me back on the Prednisone for 5 days. I need this pain to STOP! I can barely function, but I'm at work so I don't miss pay.

I talked to HR, and we are getting FMLA paperwork in order. I want to protect my job with all of these absenses. Also, I called my mom crying and asked her to please come for the week so I can get some meds in me. I tend to get really sick to my stomach with new meds, and it's already hard to take care of the kids with my head hurting. Kevin will be able to help, but even getting groceries can be challenging when I'm so sick and can't go yet I need him to help me with the kids. Please pray that my mom can come. I'm in so much pain, and I can't stop crying.

Hope

Well, I'm feeling a tad more optimistic today...not great, but I didn't spend the day crying! My Neurologist called me personally today and is starting me on a completely new regimen. Instead of Inderal, I will be trying Topamax for daily migraine prevention. I did try Topamax before and ended up in the ER by ambulance on the third day because my upper back hurt so bad that I couldn't move. We are hoping it was just a coincidence, but if I start getting back pain again, I'll stop it immediately.

He's also switching me from Imitrex to Maxalt for migraine relief when they hit. I told him Imitrex makes me feel horrible...almost worse than just the migraine, so we're trying something different. He's also giving me Zofran instead of Phenergan to help with the nausea, so I won't have to try to function with Phenergan in me! To stop this 11-migraines-in-12-days cycle, he's giving me Prednisone for 3 days. I've had to do that before, and it usually works. So, I feel more hopeful. I don't know if any of this will work, but at least it's different and it may!

I also found out about a different option for a church school for Noly next year. My friend, Elissa, has had her kids at the church daycare for years, and it has been a really good environment. She also knows the 4's teacher for next year. They may have an opening for Jule in the daycare portion, but I do prefer to find in-home care for him away from so many sicknesses. My desire is still to send her to a particular church school close to our house, but this is definitely an option.

My stress level is still high, but it's not hyperventilating-inducing. Kevin's parents took Noly for the night, so Jule and I are cuddling and watching Mickey Mouse. I have to believe that God cares very much for them, so He will provide a safe environment for them to grow and develop. Quitting my job is a last resort with our health issues as the insurance saves us TONS, but I will do it if it comes down to it.

As I drove to the sitter's to pick the kids up yesterday, God softly spoke to me..."I will provide." I believe He will, and I just need to calm down and let Him show me what He wants. He's been so faithful to us, and I know He will continue to be. It was a complete miracle for my Neurologist to personally call me because his nurse said he was unreachable for two weeks...either that or she was just trying to blow me off. In any case, I have renewed hope that there is an end to this physical pain and that my children will be well taken care of.

I think I have a stinky diaper to change...sweet Jule is smelling not-so-sweet : )

I Want to Go Home

I want to move back to Indiana. I just can't do this anymore. I'm averaging around 10-15 migraines a month, and it's nearly impossible to enjoy my kids when my head is pounding. On top of the migraines, the meds make me so nauseous that I don't want to move. Lately, they have also been hurting my stomach so much that I can't stand up straight. I'm on a daily preventive, Imitrex to get rid of them when they come on, and now I'm on constant Prevacid and Zantac because I have terrible heartburn constantly from all the meds.

I called Neurology, and their solution was to get me in around FEBRUARY. I hate this. I hate feeling horrible 90% of the time. I hate that my head or stomach hurts almost every day. I hate that I can't enjoy my kids the way I wish I could. I hate everything about this stupid migraine disease. And it's not like it's a disease that many can identify with. People think I get headaches. I wish that was all there was. I wish some doctor somewhere could help me so I could feel like I'm actually living. I'm so frustrated. I just want to go home where my mom can help me with the kids. I don't want to be in SC anymore. I want Kevin to find a new job in Indiana. It's ok if he travels if I have my parents and numerous family members to help me carry the load. I CAN'T do this every day anymore!!!

I'm Not My Own

So lately, I've been feeling so out-of-sorts. Since the new church we were trying is not going to work out, I'm left feeling homeless in a sense. This post may seem very scattered because that's the way I've been feeling.

I was reading tonight in II Corinthians 1. Verse 4 took on a new meaning to me: "Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God."

In the past, I have been taught that we go through trouble so that we can help others in the same situation. When I went through many years of infertility, I thought, "Ok, God, I can now empathize with others who are going through the same." Then I thought the same thing when I went through a couple of miscarriages. After going through 8 of them, I thought, "Ok, I don't really need to be able to understand so many of these different tragedies that people go through with pregnancy!" Then, I had preterm labor and preemies. That was closely followed by two very difficult, colicky babies. I was so fed up...I really didn't want to be able to minister to people on so many topics related to babies if that meant I had to go through so much suffering!

Tonight, something clicked. We go through trouble because we live in a fallen world. Because of God's great love for us, He comforts us in the midst of our trouble. He doesn't allow it just so we can minister to others. When we DO minister to others, we are ministering with the love and comfort He has given to us. This great Gift of comfort...His Spirit...the Greatest Comforter. And though I really wish all of this had not been so hard, I'm so grateful that God was my Comfort as I went through all of it, just as I know He'll continue to be as I live in this fallen world. Forgive me if this is not new to all of you : )

The other thing that I started thinking about tonight was how miserable I have been and how lonely I've felt. It's not that a lot has changed. I didn't hang out with my old church friends outside of church...it was just too far away. I was longing for this fellowship with God, for Him to minister to my heart in such a way that it feels like I'm only with Him. It makes all the difference in the world to be filled up by Him. Even though we are church-homeless at the moment, He is very much at home in us. And the only thing that matters in this life, that truly matters, is that I have Him...that every ounce of my being is saturated by Him and Who He is. And as much delight as I have in my two little miracles, He has even MORE delight in me...His child, His creation, His miracle.

We used to sing "I'd Rather Have Jesus" in church as I was growing up:

1. I’d rather have Jesus than silver or gold;
   I’d rather be His than have riches untold;
   I’d rather have Jesus than houses or lands;
   I’d rather be led by His nail-pierced hand
   • Refrain:
     Than to be the king of a vast domain,
     Or be held in sin’s dread sway;
     I’d rather have Jesus than anything
     This world affords today.
2. I’d rather have Jesus than men’s applause;
   I’d rather be faithful to His dear cause;
   I’d rather have Jesus than worldwide fame;
   I’d rather be true to His holy name
3. He’s fairer than lilies of rarest bloom;
   He’s sweeter than honey from out the comb;
   He’s all that my hungering spirit needs;
   I’d rather have Jesus and let Him lead