Lots of Tears

I have been shedding many, many tears lately.  The Botox completely wore off a couple of weeks ago, and I'm in pain almost daily.  The pain is severe usually and does not respond much to my Imitrex.  I am having many heart issues because of the Imitrex, and I don't know if they are dangerous or just feel horrible.  My stomach is also not happy that I have to take so much pain medicine, and it has been feeling so painful that I can't stand up straight sometimes.  It feels like the medication to help my pain is slowly killing me.  I have tried many other meds, and none of them work at all.  I finally broke down and talked to Kevin last night, through many tears, about what he would do with the kids if this takes my life.  Thankfully, he told me he would move with the kids to be with my family so they could help him with them and he could work and be with them.  My parents are only in their 50's, so they are still very able to care for the kids. My prayer is that God allows me to live so that I can be their Mommy.  I'm down to about 92 lbs, which is definitely too low again, but there is really nothing I can do about it.

I called both BCBS and the Neurologist today.  BCBS told me it takes them 2 weeks to look at the paperwork they asked the Neuro for and decide whether to approve it or not.  Then, the Neuro can only order the Botox after it is approved, which takes another 5 business days.  So, I'm looking at 3 weeks or more before I can get it, and I was supposed to get it in 2 days.  We even told the Neuro we would just pay the $1,800 out of pocket just so my pain would lessen.  They will not let us for some reason.  I'm stuck...in pain...sick from meds...racing heart...torn up stomach.  I'm miserable.  I even told the Neuro's nurse about what is going on with my body, and she told me she would call me back after lunch and never did.  I even told her it feels like I'm dying.  My heart is not right.  My dad had a heart attack at 37, and I'm now 37.  I don't know if my heart is strong enough genetically to handle this much Imitrex (over 20 a month).

When I got on FB this morning, this was my Pastor's Status: "Give us gladness in proportion to our former misery! Replace the evil years with good. (Psalm 90:15 NLT)//Prayer for someone"

God really spoke to my heart, and I wept as I read that.  I pray for a restoration of these years.  I pray for gladness to replace the memory.  I told my mom tonight that I would rather live every day in pain and be with my children than to die and not be with them.  I won't give in because of my pain.  It's hard, but I'm fighting for life...in more ways than one.

House

"House" really impacted me last night.  I was almost in tears.  Wilson has chosen not to do chemo to give himself more time to live because he didn't want the remainder of his life to be lived in suffering.  House made some kind of statement about living in pain every day.  I about lost it right there.  I do live with pain.  Someone else made a comment about why we choose to live with pain.  We live through it for those we love.  THAT is what I do.  I focus daily on the little ones God has given me, and I keep moving forward.  As the Botox wears off, I am on the couch or in bed most of the time right now.  I do my best to do fun things with Jule when I have a good day, and I'm glad he won't remember these times much.  I hope my life impacts them to live a life for God.  No matter what comes at them, I pray they choose to live for Him.  Even in pain, I pray they choose Life...The Way, The Truth & The Life.

Hello, Old Friend

Thursday night, I heard a familiar sound coming from Jule's room.  I thought, "Here we go."  I was so excited to find that we had not seen our friend, Croup, in 8 months!  I was also pleasantly surprised that Jule had a very mild case.  His breathing wasn't compromised, he wasn't dry heaving or vomiting, he wasn't overly upset, and we definitely did not need an ambulance or the ER.  He just kept looking at me like, "What is going on?"  He seemed more confused than anything.  I told him he had croup, and the steam would help him feel better.  He did not sound great through the night but also did not sound compromised at all.  He got worse on Friday after his nap and needed some oral steroids, but even that was not too bad.

I'm very thankful that he has been doing much better!  He also potty trained recently without a lot of effort.  He's had just a few accidents but pretty much took to it right away!