The Purple Crayon

Apparently, Jule wants a purple refrigerator. He did this while I thought he was playing with his new refrigerator toy.

We had an EVENTFUL Christmas. Christmas Eve went perfectly. We had a very nice time with Kevin's family. Then, at 1am on Christmas morning, Jule woke up with breathing problems from croup. We called an ambulance...again. After a few hours at the ER and some steroids, he got to come home. Mom and Dad arrived from Indiana around noon, and we had our Christmas the morning of the 26th.

I had talked with Noly about being grateful even when you don't get what you want. She did an amazing job! I saw her looking all over on Christmas Eve but didn't know what she was looking for. On the way home, she said, "I didn't get the puppy I asked Santa for, but that's ok. I'm still thankful." She was so sweet! I told her that Santa had not come to our house yet. So, on our Christmas morning, we hid her puppy until all of her presents were open. I had actually forgotten about it until she said she was still happy even without the puppy. I hadn't meant to keep it hidden that long. This was her face when she saw it...

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas, and I wish you all a very Happy New Year!

Allergy Testing

Jule had his allergy testing today, and there is not one thing he's allergic to. So, why does he scream and throw up so much? Surely, it's not all just because he has reflux? We really do not have any answers, but I need to set it aside and just enjoy the Holidays. Enough testing for now.

Last Thursday, Noly came down with a tummy bug. She felt really sick to her stomach and didn't eat for a couple of days. She also slept a lot. By Saturday afternoon, she was feeling almost 100% again. She is so excited that Santa is coming to her house soon, and she is really seeming to grasp the birth of Jesus this year. I plan to have her help me make a birthday cake for Him.

I happened to catch "Giulianna & Bill" last night. It was the next episode after the Egg Retrieval. I cried for them when I saw that their Transfer did not work. I have no idea who they are, but I know it had to hurt! I thanked God for giving us our Noly on our first IVF attempt. I don't know how I made it through all of the shots, meds, etc. She was so worth it, and it is so hard for me to believe that her first moments of life were spent in a petrie dish!

I'm so thankful for the children God has given us, and I'm very much looking forward to spending Christmas with them and celebrating the birth of Christ! Merry Christmas!

The Orange Crayon

For the past two weeks, I have lost some of the affection of my #1 fan. Let's just refer to him as Jule to give him some anonymity. You will never guess what has come to replace me...the woman who gave birth to him...an animal puzzle and an orange crayon. Seriously, the animal puzzle is even missing the giraffe; and the orange crayon is, after all, well...a crayon! When I pick Jule up from daycare, he has always run to me shouting my name and jumped happily into my arms, content to leave whatever he had been doing. But last week, he started throwing himself down, clutching the all-important puzzle, and screaming when I picked him up. He also screamed when I picked him up and tried to loosen the orange crayon that he had been coloring with from his grasp. I know it sounds stupid, but it really hurt my feelings. How could something be more important to him than me...the one who feeds and clothes him, the one who cares for him when he is sick, the one who still loves him after nearly 2.5 years of screaming!

But isn't that what I do? It may not be an orange crayon, but I let so many things become more important to me than my Father. I greedily clutch my desires in my hands, and I don't want to let them go even to spend some time with the One Who loves me more than anyone else ever could. I would rather watch TV than have some quiet time with Him. I would rather do what I want than to follow where He is leading. I'm so guilty of that, and I wonder how that leaves Him feeling. I don't want Him to be unimportant in my life...I want him to be #1 in my life. And actually, I don't want to be #1 in Jule's life. I want God to have that spot when Jule is old enough to understand.

I think I will have to be ok with being 2nd place to a crayon, but I want it to remind me to keep God 1st, both in my heart and in my actions.

A Multitude of Thoughts

Jule's biopsy results came back and show that he, indeed, has reflux. It took everything in me not to say, "No kidding" when the Specialist called me with the results. I know he has reflux. What I want to know is why, and what is causing it! They said to keep him on one Prevacid a day and to call them so that we can increase it to two if he gets any worse. Well, he threw up 3 times during the week of Thanksgiving (not from being sick)...is that worse? Is it worse for him to vomit or to have spit-up coming out of his nose? You can probably sense my frustration.

Sometimes, often recently, I find myself tangled in anxiety. There are more questions than answers when it comes to Jule's health. There is more screaming than happy moments for him, and that just should not be true at 2 1/2. Poor Noly says, "I'm so tired of his screaming!" I understand, Noly. I really do. But deeper than that, I want what is causing him to scream to cease...the root of the problem to be uprooted!

Psalm 94:17-19 says, "Unless the LORD had been my help, my soul had almost dwelt in silence. When I said, My foot slippeth; thy mercy, O LORD, held me up. In the multitude of my thoughts within me thy comforts delight my soul." That is what God has been speaking to me. I certainly have a multitude of thoughts. I have a lot of questions, and He is the only One Who can truly hold me up and hold my hand as I continue to walk through this with my son.

As I was flipping through the channels last night, I caught a glimpse of a show called "Bill & Giulianna." I don't really know what the show is about, but she was getting ready to go into the operating room for her Egg Retrieval for an IVF cycle. I could not turn away from the show. I was completely taken in by it. It took me back 6 years, and I vividly remembered going into my own Egg Retrieval. She came out drugged, and I remember coming out drugged. She was smiling about the number of eggs retrieved, and I remember doing the same. I remember telling them I was in no pain and didn't need pain meds. My mother-in-law drove me home, and we were all of 5 minutes away from the Fertility Clinic when the pain came on so strong that I wanted to scream. They retrieved 28 eggs, and it really felt like I could feel where each one was extracted! It's amazing to me how completely I can go back to those moments. And it's even more amazing to me that there was one, single, solitary survivor out of those 28 eggs...our Noly! God was there with me then, and He is here with me now. The cause of the anxiety was different, but it was still anxiety. He has truly brought me great delight in Noly and Jule, and I need to sit with Him and allow His comfort to delight me.

Tidings of comfort and joy to you all!

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone! I know it's a day early, but I also know there's no chance I will be blogging tomorrow : )


So far, all of Jule's testing has come back normal! I am very thankful for that, but a little sad that they didn't find out what the problem is. His next tests will be an Upper GI and allergy testing. He has really suffered with the tests he's been through, and I was thinking about that last night. God watched His Son suffer...for me...for you...for sinful mankind. I get very upset when Jule is afraid or hurting or suffering in any way, and I am so thankful to God that His Son did suffer so that I could be saved. I'm thankful for the sacrifice Jesus made so that my son (and daughter) could spend eternity in Heaven.

So, Happy Thanksgiving to all of you! What are you thankful for?

GI Specialist

We have finally gotten to a point that we realized we needed Jule to see a GI Specialist. I think I had gotten so used to Jule spitting up and vomiting that I didn't really think about the fact that it wasn't normal to continue this long. I mentioned his spitting up in passing to one of the NPs at the Pediatrician's when they were, once again, checking him for croup. She told me it was very much not normal for him to be like this. So, Jule and I headed to the hospital yesterday for what I thought would just be a consultation...you know, just talking and maybe looking Jule over. I was very wrong. She was very concerned and sent him for an xray and a blood draw. Jule was terrified of all of the things in the xray room and screamed until he dry heaved and dry heaved. I had to hold him down on the xray table flat and then turn him on his side when he heaved. It was HORRIBLE. Then, I had to take him for a blood draw. I felt so bad for him. I took him back to my office and let him nap next to me on my floor while I worked.

Jule has forgotten about all of it already, but I was quite traumatized. Seeing him go through something he feared but not being able to explain it to him was so hard. He just doesn't understand, and it breaks my heart. It made me think about God, as our Father, last night. Many times we are going through things we fear or even things that may actually hurt. Many times, when I have felt fear and knew I shouldn't, I felt like maybe God was mad at me because I just couldn't seem to conquer my fear. But that's not a Father's heart. It didn't make me mad that Jule feared the xray. Why, then, would it make God mad when His children are afraid? Even though we don't understand, and He understands completely, I'm sure He is moved with compassion when His children suffer.

I am asking God for peace as we have to take Jule back for a Delayed Gastric Emptying study, which involves multiple xrays over 4 hours. I would appreciate your prayers for little Jule and for Kevin and I as we go for this study next week. We are praying that God reveals what is causing all of Jule's discomfort and frequent stridor.

God is Up to Something

It seems God is up to something I don't understand : ) For a long time now, I have not been writing songs like I used to. I felt like I was wasting my time. Until recently...we joined our new church, and there is something stirring in me. I have been staying up very late, every night, writing songs. There is a new excitement in me that I matter (outside of being a mommy, wife, and accountant). Music has been my passion since I was around 4 years old, and I used to keep musician hours...until I became an accountant and had to be to work early! So right now, I am very tired, but I'm also full of anticipation of what God can do. I consider any song a huge success if it touches just ONE heart, if it changes just ONE life. I'm not aiming for the millions here...just the one. God is speaking so many things to me that I cannot share on a public forum, but I can say that I believe He is going to begin something new and different in our lives. I know the plans He has for me are good!

I'm sure I will have more to share later, but I'll leave you with the idea that started last night's song...

We tend to plan out our lives. We will be married with 2.5 kids by the time we are 28. We'll have a good-paying job in the field we desire, and we will have a beautiful home with no problems paying our bills. I compare this to a drawing in your driveway. You draw out all of the plans you have for your life with sidewalk chalk. It looks stunning and beautiful with all of the colors. There is so much detail in each portion of the drawing that you can hardly stand the anticipation....then it starts to rain. There goes your drawing. There goes your ability to have children. Instead, you have infertility or miscarriages. Maybe you don't even find a spouse. You lose out on the job you planned on having, and you lose your house because you can't afford to keep it and make the payments. That nasty rain!

Then you realize that God didn't have the same plans for you that you laid out in your drawing. He had a different calling for you. And as the rain destroys all of the plans that you have for yourself, it opens you up to HIS plans for you. Just as the rain brings so much pain from the devastation of unfulfilled dreams, it brings so much joy and fulfillment down the road when God's desires for you emerge. Sometimes the rain brings relief from pain, like the pressure of a migraine is realeased when it rains! What do we do with the rain? Get mad and hold a grudge because it ruined our painting? Or embrace the pain and go forward knowing that God's plans remain unchanged as His Word says in Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"!

The Walls of Jericho

I was reading Hebrews 11 yesterday. It is called the "Faith Chapter" of the Bible, and I absolutely love it. Verse 1 says, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." I think there are so many times in life that we just have to live on faith. I had to live in faith that I would have the child I hoped for, the child I believed God had promised me. Right now, I have to live in faith that, someday & somehow, my migraines will get better!

I read verse 30, "By faith the walls of Jericho fell, after the people had marched around them for seven days." I wonder how the people felt as they marched around that wall in obedience to God. Seven days is a long time to march, and I would think that there would be a lot of time for your mind to wonder if it was really a great idea. Can you imagine the feeling of elation you would have when the walls fell down after you had been walking and walking for seven whole days? What a celebration! What a testimony to what God can do when you have faith! What victory God place into their hands simply because they had faith and obeyed!

Whatever your "walls" may be, hold on to faith. Hold on to the promise that God CAN do what He says He will do. Continue to march, whether it's seven days or seven years, because we serve a faithful God.

There is a song that 4 Him sang MANY years ago, and it really spoke to me in the years that I was miscarrying and trying to have a baby. The lyrics are a little long but worth reading if you have the time:

A long time ago near a city called Jericho, a band of soldiers all gathered around.

Joshua said, "When it's time to go, you'll be marching to the rhythm of the trumpet sound."

Oh, there were those who still had their doubts that they could take the town

But don't you know, they became believers when the walls came down.

CHORUS Where you gonna be when the walls come down, Tell me

Where you gonna be?

Where you gonna be when the walls come down, Tell me

Where you gonna be?

Where you gonna be when the walls come down?

Well, some people pray for a miracle everyday; at times they wonder where Heaven has gone.

Though everyone says just to keep the faith, it's so hard to keep believing when it takes so long.

Oh, once again, try to reach beyond the walls you can't get through

And don't give in, or you'll miss the answer that He has for you.

If you really believe in what you're askin', then just leave it up to Him.

You just rest assured that it's gonna happen. It's just a matter of when.

Hebrews 10:35-36, "So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised."

Great Advice

I heard something really awesome on the radio today. It was talking about Motherhood and how it can be all-consuming...and it is! I believe one of the ladies had teenagers and the other one had younger children, and they were talking about change. They said that everything in life does change. Your children grow up, your relationship with your spouse changes, etc. They were also talking about how God is the constant, the only One that doesn't change in this ever-changing world. So, the way to survive your children growing up and the way to keep from losing who you are in motherhood is to maintain your relationship and your time with God. Let that be your constant through these years of immense change. What a nugget of wisdom!

I admit that it is really hard to find and/or make time for God with the craziness of day-to-day life, but I know it will be worth it if I do. It was so comforting to think that I could actually HAVE a constant in the midst of everything we've gone through and are going through. But it is so true. HE has been my rock, my shield, my fortress that I run to and hide through so many things. Even before my kids existed, God was my constant. And long after they leave the walls of our home, He will be my constant. Kind of like Desmond in LOST. I really need a constant today!

Speech Therapy

About a month ago, I came to the realization that Jule's speech was very behind. I got a referral to a Speech Pathologist, and his evaluation was so sad to me. His Expressive age (what he says) was only 11 months old when he was actually 25 months, and his Receptive age (what he understands) was only 15 months. This completely broke my mommy heart, but I believe that he will catch up with the help of his awesome speech therapist, Sarah.

She is working with him on speaking and also on signing. He seems to be progressing well, but he is still way behind his peers. I think this is why he is so frustrated and screams so often. He is unbelievable with puzzles, to the point that he impressed Sarah; but he won't ask for milk or juice or even say drink...he just screams. Fun for Mommy & Daddy...not. He is now saying, "Open, Please, More, Puzzle, Princess, Ribbit-Ribbit, Ssssss" and he signs for "More" very well! He has his own sign for "Please," which is actually very cute.

Developmentally, he is right on target. He just has a hard time expressing what he wants. Sarah believes it's probably because of the constant sickness he has had all of his life, coupled with recurring ear infections. I'm so ready for him to be healthy and to start blossoming verbally. We are making extra efforts to help him learn how to say and understand new words/concepts. We love our little pumpkin, and we can't wait for what we've been waiting for since he was 4 weeks old...for the screaming to stop!!! And it will!

Up

Have any of you ever seen the movie "Up?" I haven't, but I have seen the clips that start out before the husband and wife are married up until she passes away. Unfortunately, they showed it in church, and it was nearly the end of me!

It's amazing to me how quickly I can be taken back to my time of infertility...of miscarriage. I have two beautiful children who literally fill up each minute of my day. But it only took an instant for me to be taken right back to where the pain consumed me, where grief was my constant companion.

There was a very short clip that showed the man and his wife quite obviously sad in some type of baby doctor's office. It was so short, but so devastating. I am not one to cry easily; and the moment I saw it, every part of my body was mourning. I did not want everyone around me to see what a mess I was inside, so I tried to hold it in as much as I could. I could feel my face turn red and could feel the tears streaming down my cheeks, and there I was again...childless, helpless, longing, desiring. It wasn't as if it had just happened yesterday; it was as if it was happening right then...at that very moment. It was as if the doctor had just told me that our baby's heart had stopped beating. It was as if I was staring at yet another negative pregnancy test.

How quickly we remember, yet how quickly we forget. I felt pretty shaken up for several hours, but then I went back to my daily life, my life with children in it. I want to celebrate the life that God has given to my children every day, but I also want to be able to touch that dark place when someone around me needs me to be "there" with them. When someone is aching to hold their child, I want to be able to mourn with them as the Bible says to "Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep." As 9/11 approaches, I've heard the term "May we never forget." And it is so true. May we never forget what God has brought us through to place us where we are. May we never get so comfortable in our blessings that we forget how it felt in the times that we were left without...with empty, longing arms...with dashed desires and dreams...with skinned knees and bruised palms. For it is in those instances that God holds us in the palms of His hands, and we depend on His very breath to sustain us.

Migraine City

Well, I do have something I want to post about, but I have to have both time and health. Basically, I have had 5 migraine-free days in the whole month of August. I increased my Neurontin to 2 pills in the morning, and I'm going to try to increase my evening dose to 2 pills tonight. Please pray the med increase works....more later.

He Knows Us By Name

We just got back from a vacation to Indiana. We did not make it in time for Kristen's funeral, but I was still able to spend time with Karrie, her mom. We took several walks down memory lane, and it was nice to just be with her at a time when she is hurting. Please continue to pray for the whole family as they continue to grieve the loss of their precious little girl.

Noly is in Indiana with my parents for a couple of weeks, so I am cleaning and organizing while she is gone. That way, she won't see what leaves the house ; ) I started going through all of the bags of stuffed animals that we still had stashed away in the garage from our horrible lice nightmare, and I came upon a trash bag FULL of stuffed animals. I debated about getting rid of some of them, but I decided not to...because...she knows each one of them by name, and she would know if even one of them was missing.

Isn't that how God is? He knows us each by name, and He cares about each one of us with a love that we cannot even begin to fathom. He knows me by name; He knows you by name, and He would know if we were "missing."

I John 3:1a

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!"

Kristen

My heart is breaking right now. My friend's daughter, Kristen, is very sick in the hospital. She has had a heart condition since birth and has had a pacemaker and bovine valve since she was tiny. She got very sick last week and was escorted to a children's hospital. Her bovine valve was full of infection and had a large clot at the top. Friday, as they were getting ready for surgery, part of the clot broke off and caused a pulmonary embolism. They were able to get her stable enough to then do surgery. They removed the diseased valve and put in a new one, and her heart has been beating on its own, and she was taken off of life support.

Yesterday, she became completely unresponsive, and a scan showed severe brain swelling. They are doing a scan today to check for brain activity. I have known Karrie (Kristen's mom) since I was 4, and it is breaking my heart that they are going through this. Please join with me in praying for this sweet 8-year-old and her family.

Update: Sweet Kristen went to Heaven today. Please pray for her family as they grieve the loss of their daughter/sister.

Still Here

Well, we are still here. After a lice recurrence, the school finally found that there were other children there with lice, sent them home, and sanitized. So far, Noly's head has been clear all week! I'm really hoping it doesn't come back!

Jule is doing well. He is having some sleep issues, which we think are from getting his 2-year molars, but he is generally happy! He now knows tons of animal sounds, and we love asking him what each animal says. He calls Noly, sissy, but pronounces it "sissaaah." She thinks he is trying to call her "Princess." We'll just let her believe that ; )

Kevin had eye surgery to correct his eye muscles. He has always only looked out of one eye at a time, which makes depth perception very difficult. He has had a bit of a rough recovery over the last week, but he is healing more each day. He is still seeing double because his eyes have to retrain his brain to look out of both eyes and see one image. I am excited for him to finally see more clearly!

I have felt like I've been on the brink of insanity with all of the back-to-back sickness, but God has really been ministering to me this week. We've had a little bit of a lull, and I have been able to get alone and spend some time with God and the piano. That really helps me regroup my thoughts and refresh my mind. Physically, I'm still pretty worn out, but spiritually, I am feeling God's hands holding me up.

Jude 1:24 "To Him Who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before His glorious presence without fault and with great joy."

Happy 2nd Birthday, Jule!

Happy 2nd Birthday to my sweet Jule!

This picture accurately represents how you came into the world...kicking and screaming! The NICU said you were a feisty one, and they were so right. After a week in the NICU, you came home, and you have brought us much joy!

When you were one, your curls astounded us. We had no idea where you got your curly hair, but we loved it! You were not very excited about cake, but this picture represents your true love for ice cream...or anything chocolate for that matter!Now, you are two! You are saying so many words and understanding so much of what we say. You bring us laughter every day. You are a rough and tumble boy, and you LOVE your mommy more than anything else (well, maybe except for your blankey). You love animals and animal sounds right now and still sleep with hard plastic Disney characters.
Happy Birthday to my second little miracle!

I Really, Really Hate Lice!!!

I really, really hate lice! As I went to lay my head on my pillow, I noticed a piece of my hair...with a nit on it!!! I freaked out! I am allergic to ragweed, so I was told not to use the regular lice removal products that are at Walmart. That meant I had to use Noly's prescription. I ran to two different pharmacies and finally got what I needed. Then, I RAN home and doused my head. I was so disgusted. It didn't seem to do a whole lot for me, and Noly began itching again, so I called the Pediatrician's office.

Friday night, I cut Noly's hair. It was down to her butt, and I just couldn't do it anymore. I was spending every waking moment on lice and nit removal. Then we both covered our hair in olive oil and spent the whole day Saturday with olive oil, saran wrap, shower caps and hats on our heads. Then, we combed through the oil, washed, applied vinegar, combed through that, washed again, blowdried, then combed through AGAIN. After this, Noly finally seemed to stop itching for good, and I haven't seen any new nits. My hair has been a nightmare because I'm mostly doing it myself and can't see if I'm getting all of the nits out. I'm praying that this is the end of it. We used the prescription again on Monday for good measure, but I'm really not sure if it does a good job at all.

In the midst of this, I noticed that Jule had two little blisters on his neck. He was acting fluish all weekend, and he ended up with a total of 6 blisters. The Pediatrician said it may be chicken pox, but he is not sure. Once they get the vaccination, any chicken pox that may hit them has an abnormal presentation. At least he only has 6 little spots, and he slept a LOT this weekend because he didn't feel good. That gave us time for all of the lice treatment.

All of this has me thinking about Job. It seems like we can't catch a breath before the next illness strikes. Now, we are not even getting a day's break in between. I started reading through the book of Job again, and I noticed in the first chapter how another servant would come with bad news while the previous servant was still speaking. Bam, bam, bam, bam...it just kept coming. While I know Job's news was so much more devastating, it felt similar to me....like punch after punch at my heart. I found myself sitting in the bathtub last night thinking, "I hate my life." Don't get me wrong. I love my babies, family, etc, but living with day to day to day sickness has gotten really old. As I got to the 3rd chapter of Job, I found that Job felt the same way. He was cursing the day he was even born.

I have been listening to Hillsong United in the car, and one song stuck out to me. The words are, "I love You more than life itself..." And it occurred to me that, yes, we truly have to love God more than life itself. This life, in this fallen world, can be so difficult. Despite it all, we have to cling to God and love Him more than this life. Without Him, I would not make it through all of this. Without Him, nothing would be worthwhile. I do love Him more than life itself and will carry on...even through lice if need be ; )

I Hate Lice : (

So, while Jule's little nose was still running away but his cough was better, Kevin and I both woke up with horrible colds Saturday morning. The kind where you can barely move, where your whole body aches and it hurts to swallow...yeah, that kind. We made it through the weekend by sitting on the couch and watching DVDs with the kids.

Saturday, I noticed Noly scratching her head. I thought it was from her chicken pox healing since she was only 10 days out from her first symptoms. I kept looking and didn't see anything. Then, Monday night, I looked up "scalp itching after chicken pox" and found nothing. I then entered "Lice," grabbed a flashlight, and headed up to her room knowing what to look for. Sure enough, she has lice!!! Gross!!!

We worked on her hair from then until midnight with the Walmart brand lice shampoo. It worked some, but she kept itching. I took her to the doctor yesterday, and they gave me a prescription lice shampoo. A friend helped me with it last night, and I think it took 2-2.5 hours instead of 4. It seems to have worked much better because she is not itching anymore, but I am on guard. I've bagged the toys, vacuumed, thrown out brushes, washed everything detachable in hot water, and now I wait to see what happens. I have a migraine now, probably from all of the stress and absolute lack of rest while I'm already sick.

I'M SO EXHAUSTED! I'm going to try to rest, but I hate missing work. My head hurting makes it impossible to go look at all the little numbers on the spreadsheets, so I guess sleep wins out. Please pray for us. We need it!

Jule's Diagnosis Is.....

Croup...again. When we got home last night, Jule was whiny. I checked his temperature, and he had a low-grade fever. He was also wheezy whenever he would become active. So, I called the Pediatrician's office and got him in at 7:40. The doctor said he has croup, and she put him on a Steroid to keep his airway open.

Usually, I try to have both kids in bed by 8:30. Since we got to the doctor so late, the three of us were sitting in the Pharmacy parking lot in our jammies waiting for Jule's prescription to be filled at 8:45. Thankfully, the Pharmacist saw how desperate I looked and filled it within 5 minutes! Yay! Jule slept all night but woke up with terrible strider. So, my mother-in-law is home with him today.

Noly got to go back to school today, and the teacher and all of her friends ran up to her and hugged her when they saw her heading to the playground! It is a water day at school, so she should have a lot of fun! I'm glad to have her back at school where she can play with her friends and wear herself out! She's been cooped up for too many days now.

Kevin should be home tonight, which I am so thankful for. I'm relying on Ativan to help me get through all of this. It's just too much, but God is faithful in the midst...continuing to show me His grace in the midst of suffering.

Afternoon Update:
Biblegateway has just been amazing lately. I have been looking at their "verse of the day," and it has been so encouraging to me this week. Today's is: II Thessalonians 3:3 "But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen and protect you from the evil one." Amen!

Ever Have One of Those Days....or Months...or Years???

Isaiah 40:31 says, "but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." I feel so weary, so exhausted. I really need God to renew my strength. It gets so overwhelming constantly taking care of sick kids. I love them, and it is my delight to be their mommy; I'm just so tired.

Jule is definitely sick, but not with chicken pox as far as I can tell. His nose is terribly stuffy and a little runny, and he is feeling miserable. You can see it in his eyes. He cried off and on all through the night. Not to the point that I had to go in and console him, but just enough to wake me up so I knew he was uncomfortable. I checked Noly over last night, and she had a few more bumps. The older ones are looking good and are not itching, so that's good. She is still acting very hyper and naughty, so I'm guessing she is not feeling that great either. I'm so spent from not only 3 weeks non-stop of taking care of sick children but also having either a migraine or a headache for 23 days straight now. It's really, really frustrating. And Kevin is out of town, so I am doing this alone right now.

After a really rough night, I left the house this morning and forgot my cell. So, I turned around and got it and left again. As I pulled out onto the main road to get out of our subdivision, I got pulled over while still in our subdivision. The officer was really nice and knocked the ticket down for me, but this is just all too much on top of each other. Please renew my strength, God.

I have been thinking a lot about II Corinthians 12:9a, "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness..." I'm feeling very weak, and I have been looking for God's grace in these difficult circumstances. This morning, I felt God's grace when the officer only ticketed me for going 5 over instead of the actual 15. He told me he never gives people a break in neighborhoods, but he did for me...and I didn't even ask. I had no excuse, just wasn't paying attention. I also see God's grace in the Pediatrician He has given us. He has gone above and beyond his job to help us out, and he has been there for us through all of these sicknesses. I am very thankful for His grace, and I know that, somehow, His grace and strength will get me through.

Psalm 121:7-8

Noly has been feeling pretty crummy from the chicken pox. I was making dinner last night and noticed that she was being very quiet in her room. This is what I found when I went to check on her. I don't know if she meant to fall asleep or not? She was quite grumpy and whiny last night, but I did notice that she did not get any new spots yesterday! Even though she hasn't felt good, she still feels the need to get all dressed up.

Last night, we were telling Noly how it was not ok to argue with Mommy & Daddy. In the middle of our conversation, Jule went running toward our bed and fell flat on his mouth against the corner of our bed frame. We heard a loud crack and could see that there was a lot of bleeding in his mouth. We looked at each other like, "Oh no, not the ER on top of all of this." Once I got him to calm down, we could see that his mouth is pretty sore, but it will heal on its own. He cried a lot in the night and did not eat as much for breakfast this morning. He also woke up with a stuffy/runny nose : ( Guess we don't get a break in between sickness at all this time.

Psalm 121:7-8 "The LORD will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore." Even though we are going through a ton of sickness and injury, I know that God is watching over my babies and keeping them safe.

Chicken Pox

No, I am not kidding. Yes, my child has chicken pox. Noly had some strange spots on Thursday, and by Saturday, they were looking very similar to the pictures of chicken pox on the internet. We kept her home from church Sunday just in case, and the Pediatrician confirmed it this morning. My little princess has chicken pox : ( She had a vaccination at 1 year and then again at 4 years, so it is a very light case. She is a little itchy and has a very low fever but is generally fine. We really hope Jule does not get it since he had his 1-year vaccine. He is just getting over hand, foot and mouth and doesn't need anything else!

Since Jule was born, we just can't seem to catch a break from sickness/migraines/Jule's reflux. I looked at Kevin last weekend and said, "Do you feel like it never stops or is it just me?" He agreed he felt like there's never a break. It can feel so overwhelming because you just want your babies to feel good and you want to feel good.

I was reading in Psalm 91 today. Verse 4 stuck out at me. "...his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart." My mind immediately went back to December 15, 2008. My 5-month-old Jule was rushed to the ER by ambulance with complicated croup. He was struggling to breathe even after two breathing treatments in the ambulance. Once they determined that his breathing was not good enough to go home, they admitted him. He fell sound asleep in the little hospital crib, and as I sat beside him, I spoke Psalm 91 over him.

It made me think about how God is no different today than at that very moment. His faithfulness has kept me through some very scary, very difficult situations. I am having to learn to rely on His faithfulness as my defense, as my place of safety...to shield me from this life's harshness. He was so faithful to bring me these two gifts, and He will be faithful to guard and keep them. I still pray that health comes our way, but I am so thankful that He is a Faithful God!

Updates

I know...I have become a horrible blogger! I just don't have time for updates as often as I'd like. Jule is doing very well at the Church Daycare! He loves one teacher in particular and doesn't even cry when I drop him off anymore! Yay Jule!

Noly developed an odd rash last week, and when I took her in, I found out it was the result of strep. So, she started antibiotics Thursday night. Jule spent the weekend screaming and not eating much except for popsicles, so I took him in early Monday morning, and he is now being treated for strep. Neither had fevers, thankfully!

I'm on 2 Neurontin a day and have gone from apx. 20 migraines a month to 14. That's still not good, but it's a little better. I tried to go up to 3 a day and got really sick again, so I dropped back to 2. I think I may try to go up to 3 pills again this weekend to see what happens. If I just can't tolerate 3, I'll call the Neurologist...again.

Jule is FINALLY starting to talk more. He is trying to repeat a lot of words, which he was not doing at all before. Noly is learning new songs weekly at school and is anxious to come home and sing them to us! She is so social and cries most of the time when we pick her up from school. She just loves to be with the other kids! I'm so thankful that she is happy where she is at and that Jule is now adjusting to his new classroom. It is SO nice to have a 30 minute drive to work instead of an hour!

We are hoping to visit my parents in August and leave Noly there for a week or two to visit when we drive back. Then, my mom or dad can fly her back home after she spends some time with them. She also gets to see my grandparents when she is there, which they LOVE!

Jule

Today, Jule started daycare at the church where Noly goes to preschool. He had a very hard time when I left, and when I called to check on him, they said he had several meltdowns. I know he must miss our sitter since she had him from the time he was 3 months old. I also know that he will adjust, in time. I believe he will grow to love it there like Noly has. I just hope he doesn't drive those poor ladies crazy while he adjusts! Hang in there, Jule, Mommy's coming!

Child of the King

We went to Disney World over Mother's Day weekend. We left after work on Friday and arrived late Friday night. Saturday morning, we headed straight for the Magic Kingdom! I don't know if you can tell or not, but Noly is leaning towards Minnie. She has this new thing against boys, and Mickey is, in fact, a boy (and thus not as desirable)! She is so hilarious!

We knew that we had to go to the Boutique to find a dress for Noly. That was the highlight of last year's Disney trip for her, and she picked out a beautiful pink nightgown and wore it for days! This time, we found an actual dress. We went into the special Princess dressing room, and Noly walked out a Princess. Noly walked out of the Boutique and showed her Daddy how beautiful she looked! Unlike Noly, Jule hated Disney, so we quickly headed back to the hotel room for some food and naps.

After some naps and some wonderful Cracker Barrel meals, we headed back to the Magic Kingdom. This time, I was able to put Noly's hair up so she looked as much like Belle as possible. Her little face glowed, and she said that she couldn't wait to meet Belle to tell her that there were two Belles now! Noly and Kevin waited for over a half hour, and she finally met Cinderella and Belle. Sleeping Beauty was MIA, so we decided that she must be asleep ; )

Watching Noly made me think about who we are. She had such confidence in herself and such joy in who she was. The thought never crossed her mind that she wasn't beautiful enough or good enough or talented enough. She was a Princess. And truly, that is how we should think of ourselves. We belong to THE King! Unfortunately, life has a way of beating us down and affecting our child-like view of ourselves. If we could have the inner confidence and joy that comes from knowing who we are IN CHRIST, nothing could stop us from becoming who we are meant to be and doing what we are meant to do. How I love the picture that Noly has permanently etched in my mind...that of a Princess with immeasurable value and flawless beauty in the eyes of her Father!

Joyful and Thankful

I went to Biblegateway today, and this was their verse:

I Thessalonians 5:16-18 “Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.”

Noly had her Family Fun Day at preschool today. They had ponies, jump castles, a merry-go-round, a train, snow cones, tattoos, sidewalk chalk, tricycles...you name it! She had so much fun and was really brave! Kevin and I were both able to be there, and it was wonderful to watch her face light up. I discovered that one of the little boys in her class has a crush on her. It was hilarious, and I think she is oblivious...who wouldn't be at 4 1/2? He kept running up to her and hugging her, then he would look at her and smile and say, "Hi, Noly." It was adorable, and I am so glad that it will be MANY years before she starts dating. I'm so not ready for that!

Joyful, Patient & Faithful

The past few days have been really hard on me. Kevin had to fly to Wisconsin to attend some training for work, which left me alone with the kids. Sunday, I had a terrible migraine, and it was very difficult to care for the kids by myself. Then yesterday, I got a call from Noly's school saying she would not stop crying. I went to get her and brought her to work with me until we went to see the ENT at 3. Last night, Jule slept from 8:30 pm until 10:30 pm and woke up screaming. Despite a diaper change, some pain reliever, and some crackers, he did not calm down until around midnight. My guess is that he was teething again.

Everything has felt so overwhelming because I had to do it alone. I wanted to be a good mommy, but I also strive to be a good employee. I'm trying desperately to not miss work, but I keep missing a lot. I thought hard about it yesterday and realized that I can succeed at the most important part...being a mommy, and then just do what I can as an employee. I'm so thankful for an understanding employer! I'm at work whenever I possibly can be, but my sick little ones have to come first!

Yesterday's verse of the day on Biblegateway.com was Romans 12:12..."Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." I really tried to focus on the "patient in affliction" part yesterday and held onto prayer to get me through it. I thought about how affliction really does make me more faithful in prayer. When I think about the ocean, I think about the faithfulness of the waves, and it reminds me of God's faithfulness. He never leaves me, even in the affliction. And I'm never truly alone because He is always surrounding me, just like the water surrounds me in the ocean. My prayer is that I can be joyful in the hope that I have in God, patient in any hardship that comes my way in this world, and faithful in praying to the God of my salvation.

The Mountain of God

We are sick.....

...again...or still???

Noly started out with a sore throat and fever Saturday and ran a fever until Tuesday. She had pink eye and a raging ear infection along with her cold/virus. She's been on antibiotics since Monday and is finally starting to feel a little better. Last night, I came down with it, and Kevin started feeling bad this morning. So, here we are...nothing new.

I am at work and was listening to the radio and heard Third Day's "Mountain of God." The end of the chorus says, "...I must go through the valley to stand upon the mountain of God." Our Pediatrician and I were just discussing something very similar when I took Noly in on Monday. He said he often sees God do some amazing things when people go through something like this and come out on the other side. I believe that is what will happen.

Right now, we're climbing the mountain. We are worn out, beat down, thirsty and sometimes ready to quit. But the mountain is ahead. I know I need to keep my eyes on God and what He is doing and is going to do in my life. All of this sickness is just a blink in the eyes of eternity. We're going to make it up the mountain, and I have to believe that the sickness will stop in time. Hopefully not another two years, but who knows. I waited a long time for my babies to get here, and it was so worth the "climb," so worth the journey. I remember sitting at a Third Day concert shortly after my last miscarriage, and God majorly spoke to me through "Mountain of God." It wasn't long after that that Jule arrived. Noly and Jule were so worth the fight, and I know that eternity is even so much more worth the fight.

Ephesians 6:12 "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

John 12:24-25

The phrase "He that loveth his life shall lose it..." has been going through my head today, so I decided to look it up and read the chapter. John 12:24-25 (KJV) says, "Verily, verily, I say unto you, Except a corn of wheat fall into the ground and die, it abideth alone: but if it die, it bringeth forth much fruit. He that loveth his life shall lose it; and he that hateth his life in this world shall keep it unto life eternal." I started thinking about what I have been going through and how I could change my perspective.

It is necessary that I die to my flesh and my sinful nature. It is necessary that I love God more than anything on this earth. John 16:33 (KJV) says, "These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." There it is in black and white...you will have trouble in this world! Not if's, and's or but's...you WILL have trouble. But the promise is that He has overcome the world. He has overcome the trouble, conquered death with life, filled the tearful eyes with glee. He has overcome! I feel very overcome, but I know that He has already conquered sickness at the cross. I also know we will have victory through Him over sickness, whether it be in this world or when we go to be with Him in glory.

The phrase "hateth his life in this world" is an odd one to me. I don't think God is saying we have to literally hate our life. I looked up this verse in several different passages, and I love how The Message puts it: "In the same way, anyone who holds on to life just as it is destroys that life. But if you let it go, reckless in your love, you'll have it forever, real and eternal." That is what I want, and I want it to be so evident to my kids that it rubs off on them. I want the attitude in II Corinthians 4:16-18 (The Message), "So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever." This is only temporary. This is not our forever. God is giving us His grace in the midst of this, and that grace is all-sufficient.

Maybe my attitude change needs to be to look for His grace in the midst of our troubles, to see His hand in the midst of the chaos, to see His calm in the midst of my anxiety, and to see His ultimate healing power in the midst of our sickness and pain. If I strip away the layers of pain and frustration, I know I will find a core of Grace holding me.

When You Don't Have the Strength to Make Lemonade

You know how people say to make lemonade when life hands you lemons? Well, what if you don't have it in you to make the lemonade? We are still going through a rough patch with our health...namely Jule and I. Norovirus took quite a toll on us for a couple of weeks, but it has left our house now! Jule is back to screaming and screaming and screaming. He's also developed this lovely little habit of trying to make himself throw up when you tell him no and he is mad. Our response is no response since we don't want him to make that a way to manipulate and get what he wants, but the screaming itself is really wearing me down...especially when noise is one of my migraine triggers. We took him in to get his ears checked about 9 days ago, and they were fine. The Ped said his canines are coming in, and they continually hurt because they widen as they grow. My guess is that the pain is making his "terrible two's" worse. We're going to try Tylenol right when we get home from work to try to see if pain is making a difference. He really can be such a sweet baby!

My migraines are really bad. So far, on April 22, I've had 14 migraines in the month. I am up to two Gabapentin pills a day, and the therapeutic dose is three. Tomorrow, I will be able to increase the dosage to three. I'm hoping so much that it helps and that my body can tolerate the pills. Wednesday, I'm going with my friend, Whitney, to a healing service at her church. I cannot even begin to imagine what it would be like to live without pain...it would be amazing! Right now, my husband said he wakes up every day wondering if I will be in pain or if one of us is going to be sick. We just don't get a break. On the very few days we do, we live it up. That's one reason we went to the beach last weekend...we all felt good!

I have not been able to spend much time reading my Bible lately because it hurts to read with the migraines. That is really frustrating for me, and I try to read whenever I'm not in pain. I do listen to sermons online while I'm working so that I'm getting some Word in me even when I can't read. Something has to change. I'm holding a basket of lemons, and I'm doing the best I can to have a good attitude in the midst of this. But it's been almost 2 years now, and I'm tired. I want Jule to be a healthy little boy, and I want to be a pain-free, healthy Mama. Praying for major changes at the healing service even if it's just in my ability to have a good attitude.

To the Beach

Today was a beautiful day in the 70's, so we decided to take Jule to the beach for the first time.

He was incredibly unimpressed, but we did get some cute pictures!

Daddy, why did you bring me here?

I don't like it here. I want to go home now!

Ok, I'll pose for another picture.

It's not so bad when Daddy is holding your hand.

Noly was cold but very happy to be at the beach!

Look, I have wings like Tinkerbell!

I'm a cute little beach bum!

Overall, we had a nice time despite Jule's crying. It was so nice to have all four of us feeling well that we took full advantage of the day! I'm hoping we have MANY more days like this!

Disney World?

I am a musician/accountant, and my husband is a computer geek/wastewater tech. I am an introvert; he is an extrovert. I like 4 Him, and he likes Pink Floyd. I am quiet; he is loud. We are opposites with so many things, but we do have one thing in common: our love for Disney World. As he sat looking at a paper, I asked him what he was doing. He told me he was looking for anniversary gift ideas for me. I told him all I wanted was a couple of days in Disney with him and the kids...or we could get gifts for each other. There was no question that what we both wanted was Disney World. We went there for our honeymoon, and we go back every chance we get. Since we had the kids, we have to make the trips shorter, but they are just as magical if not more! So, plans are in the works for a two-day run to Disney. We need the break, we need the magic...we need the joy! We need to wish up on star...j/k.

Noly is just a tad excited about the trip...

Stop

Can we? As mothers? Really stop? I've decided to do that tonight.

Jule came down with a tummy bug Saturday morning, and I ended up spending the whole day cleaning up and/or trying to console him. Then, I had a migraine Easter morning, so Kevin took the kids to his parents' house. I took my Imitrex and a Phenergan since the migraine was making me nauseous, figuring I could sleep it off while the house was empty and quiet. About 30 minutes later, I got a call from Kevin that Noly was now sick and would for sure start vomiting any time. Yep, she was sick too. She started vomiting around 3:30 or 4 and had continued at least 25 times by 9:30. She was so sick and lethargic that we ended up taking her to the ER. Kevin took her while I stayed home with a very fussy, screaming Jule and also tried to clean everything up. I finally got Jule down by 11 pm but was very worried about Noly. They gave her Zofran and said she would have to be admitted if she vomited anymore. Thankfully, the Zofran helped! I have never seen her so weak and unresponsive, even with other tummy bugs. My heart is still broken thinking about how much pain she was in and how much she was suffering. I just can't stand to see them suffer.

So, I have spent the past few days cleaning up, tending to sick little ones, trying to work when they and I were all well enough, cleaning some more, making meals, running to the store for whatever sounded good to Noly to eat...you get the picture. Tonight, I'm recovering from a day-long migraine and I was just about to mop the floor, and I started to think about it. Does it really matter if the floor gets mopped? Nope. Does it really matter if I stop and rest? Yes, I need to. Sometimes, I don't think we give ourselves permission to rest and just let it be enough. We've done enough. The laundry can wait, the floors will still be there tomorrow, the toys can be all over the floor...it's ok. And not just to play with our kids. We sometimes need time to just "be." That's what I'm giving my Type A self permission to do tonight...nothing! Please join me. I know you need it!

Due Dates

March 19 marked the 6th anniversary of my due date for our first baby that we lost, Hannah Elizabeth. Today, March 29, marks the 2nd anniversary of my due date for the 8th and final baby we lost, Payton Claire. The other 6 losses in between were very early losses, and I don't remember the due dates. Hannah and Payton were with me for 11 weeks and 8 weeks, respectively; and I treasure the moments I had with each of them.

With Hannah, I was still in the Master's Program, so I was working full-time, going to school at night, and coming home exhausted. After 9 years of infertility, I shared my new pregnancy with everyone I was in daily contact with. I was devastated when I found out that her heart had stopped beating. With Payton, I was to the point where I expected her heart to stop beating, so I wasn't a bit surprised. It was still devastating, but it was very different. We had done a Frozen Embryo Transfer, so it was quite a challenge just to get to the point of pregnancy in the first place. Then, I was very sick for the weeks I was pregnant. I chose not to tell most people because I just didn't know if the pregnancy would last.

I know that all 8 of my children are in heaven around the throne of God, and that gives me great comfort. I find that I am sad sometimes when I think of who my babies could have been, but the two babies that came to be with me on this earth bring me an amazing amount of comfort and fulfillment. They bring me so much joy and much laughter for all the tears that I shed. Like Noly, who just cannot understand why I prefer pants and do not like dresses and skirts. After all, I am a girl!! And like Jule, who loudly roared when he saw a picture of lion during the communion at church on Sunday. I love my 10 little gifts, and we will all spend forever in heaven together. God has truly fulfilled His word "He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD." Psalm 113:9

On a different note, Brandi is doing awesome! They took the balloon heart pump out on Saturday, and they took the vent out yesterday! She is doing well, is sitting up, and even left a short video message thanking those who have been praying for her. We have truly witnessed a miracle in our family! When the doctors said there was nothing more they could do, God did! Maybe when she is much better, I could do a blog interview with her. She also went through many years of infertility before getting pregnant with her 1-year-old, Isaac. Thank you all for praying!

Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty

Last night, they had a time of worship in Brandi's ICU room. They sang Revelation Song, which is one of my favorite worship songs right now. Brandi was lifting her hand in worship as they sang around her bed. It is so touching to see how God's presence is totally permeating the hospital room, and He is bringing refreshing and encouragement to my family. I firmly believe that God is ministering to Brandi while she is laying there. Joe posted this as his Facebook status: "Brandi will have many things to share when she's out of here, but I want to share one thing 1st. We were all worshiping (Rev song) One part says filled with wonder at the mention of His name. I asked her after if that was now true for her bcuz we talked a couple wks ago about how it wasn't really for either one of us but we desired it. She shook her head yes she is. Praise the name of Jesus for revealing Himself." How precious is that!

I believe that, with God, all things are possible! Yesterday, I was reading in Mark 5. Verses 35-43 are about Jairus' daughter..."While Jesus was still speaking, some men came from the house of Jairus, the synagogue ruler. "Your daughter is dead," they said. "Why bother the teacher any more?" Ignoring what they said, Jesus told the synagogue ruler, "Don't be afraid; just believe."
He did not let anyone follow him except Peter, James and John the brother of James. When they came to the home of the synagogue ruler, Jesus saw a commotion, with people crying and wailing loudly. He went in and said to them, "Why all this commotion and wailing? The child is not dead but asleep." But they laughed at him. After he put them all out, he took the child's father and mother and the disciples who were with him, and went in where the child was. He took her by the hand and said to her, "Talitha koum!" (which means, "Little girl, I say to you, get up!" ). Immediately the girl stood up and walked around (she was twelve years old). At this they were completely astonished. He gave strict orders not to let anyone know about this, and told them to give her something to eat." We serve the same God that raised Jairus' daughter, and I am praying that God will bring strength to Brandi's fragile heart. I pray that she will live to tell others of how God touched both her physical heart and her spiritual heart!

Silence

Lately, I have been feeling so silent. That's one reason I haven't posted much. The other reason is that I'm having very frequent migraines and can barely look at the computer screen sometimes. I plan to start the new medication that the Neurologist wanted me to try tomorrow night so that I have the whole weekend to see if my body will accept it or not. It is called Neurontin, and you take it 3x a day. I totally don't mind taking pills around the clock if they help!

Right now, my heart is so sad. My cousin Joe's wife, Brandi, is very sick in the hospital and may not make it. She had some Crohn's complications on Monday and is now in the ICU with a newly-discovered heart condition. She is 28 and has two sons, 12 and 1. My heart aches at the thought of her not making it, and we are all praying for a miracle...for the restoration of her heart. Her blood pressure is so low that they can't fully sedate her, so my understanding is that she is communicating some by writing and mouthing words. Last night, her church had a prayer service with praise and worship and they played it in her room via a speakerphone. Right there from her hospital bed, she was worshipping right along with the congregation. I'm praying that God is doing a work in her physical heart that only He can do. The doctors have done all they can and are just watching her. I'm praying that they see a miraculous recovery and that Brandi will live a long life. If you would, I would love it if you would agree with me in prayer.

The song that keeps running through my head is "Need You Here" by Hillsong. Here is the portion that is playing in my head:

I need You here
I need You here
You're like the rain that falls
Fall on this heart and make me new.

God, please give Brandi a new heart. Please bring restoration to her body and life to her blood.

Recent Happenings

A lot has been going on recently, and I'll try to post what I can in as little words as possible:

We went to Palatka, FL on March 5-7 to see Marty Magehee in concert. We left on Friday afternoon, and we were at the hotel by early evening. The kids were so good on the way down thanks to our wonderful DVD player and some delicious snacks! When we were almost to our hotel, we drove by a really cool castle playground. We pointed it out to Noly and told her we would take her there the next day. She really enjoyed herself but would have been happier if I hadn't taken pictures of her!

This was Jule's first time actually playing at a playground because he has been too young to do much. Well, he was still too young to do much but walk around, but he had a wonderful time exploring. Kevin followed Noly, and I followed Jule. We stayed until Noly asked to go get some food!

Saturday afternoon, we all tried to take a nap. Jule decided he would scream and reject the pack n play, so I put him in bed with us. They all took a nice long nap, but Jule crowded me out of the bed, and I was getting a severe migraine. I decided to go get some ice to put on my head, and as I walked by one of the doors, I heard a familiar voice singing. I knocked on the door, and out came Marty. We talked in the hallway for a few minutes, then I went and laid down with my icepack.

The concert that night was amazing! God's presence was there in a very vivid way. I so needed to just sit in God's presence and listen, and He spoke so much to my heart. There was a nice refreshment time after the concert, but my migraine was full-blown by that time, and Kevin had developed a sinus headache. So, we went to the hotel, ate some dinner, and put the kids to bed.

The drive home was rough for me because I had maxed out on my migraine medicine, and I still had a migraine. We ended up stopping at a hotel about half-way home because I was in too much pain to even talk. After eating, sleeping and taking more meds, we were able to get back home at a decent time.

The next morning, Jule woke up with croup. I am happy to report that he was able to get through the croup without a trip to the ER! I'm hoping that he gets a stronger respiratory system as he gets older! Today, I took him in for a sinus infection, but that's nothing compared to croup going haywire on us!

I ended up getting 7 severe migraines in the first 11 days of March, so I decided to bite the bullet and take the preventive meds that I had wanted to avoid. I started Depakote on Saturday and was up sick a lot of Saturday night. I decided to try one more pill, and my stomach felt fine, but I felt like I was losing my mind. I couldn't sleep, was agitated, wanted to crawl out of my skin and felt like I could not concentrate. Kevin called the neurologist on call, and they said to take an Ativan and no more Depakote. So, that's preventive #4 that hasn't worked for one reason or another. I go back to the Neuro Thursday to see what his next plan is. I so badly want to get these migraines to stop. I feel like I'm missing so much enjoyment of my kids' younger years. I love playing with them and delighting in them, and that's hard to do when their little voices make your head hurt worse.

At the concert, Marty read the first few verses of Psalm 40:

"I waited patiently for the LORD; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry. He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings. And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the LORD."

I'm praying that He brings me out of the "pit" of migraines, that my quality of life improves. Even if He doesn't, I'm so grateful and so in love with the little gifts of life He has given me. And even if He doesn't, He will still be my Praise and my Glory.

"Till I Entered the Sanctuary..."

I feel like collapse is on the horizon. We have been sick now for awhile, and I'm getting really sick and tired of being sick and tired. The exploratory surgery went well, and Jule is back to his happy little self again. All last week, my ears were hurting. I ignored it because I didn't want to spend any more money on doctors and because I was trying to get Jule figured out. Since Jule is now better, I went to the doctor this morning. My eustachian tubes are both non-functioning, and I am in so much pain. She gave me decongestant and a nasal spray to try to get them back open, but if they don't, I may need tubes. Grrr! I'm so frustrated!!!

As I was reading Psalm 37, verse 17a stuck out at me..."till I entered the sanctuary of God..." That is where I'm going to find my rest, my peace, my strength for whatever is coming next...the presence of God. The first few verses of Psalm 37 talk about the apparent success of the wicked (including good health), and I found myself relating to David's frustration. Then, there is a transition, a peace, that happens from verse 17 on. This life is not what it is all about. It doesn't really make it easier, but it does redirect my focus. I need some time in His sanctuary!

Exploratory Surgery

This morning, Jule had exploratory surgery to check out his adenoid site. He has been so unhappy, has not been sleeping, and has not been drinking; so we and his doctors agreed that it was necessary. Everything looked good. The ENT did find more adenoid tissue that he could have removed, but he decided to leave it alone since Jule has had a hard enough time as it is (WISE man!). Jule woke up from anesthesia very peaceful and drank an entire sippy of juice before we could get to the car. I was so glad that he did not wake up screaming again! It is so hard to see him like that.

Yesterday, the ENT's office called and told us to be at the office by 6:45 am. I was concerned that Noly may have to go with us, and I didn't want her to see him screaming and upset because I didn't want it to upset her. I prayed about it as I walked from my office to the bathroom, and when I walked into the bathroom, I got a text. Elissa texted me to ask if we needed help with Noly. Talk about a quick answer to prayer! That lifted such a weight off my shoulders. Kevin took Noly to Elissa's after dropping Jule and I off and was back at the ENT's in time to wait on Jule's surgery. Everything went so smoothly, and I am so thankful for that!

Since the surgery didn't answer any of our questions, we still need to find out what is wrong with Jule. We talked to the ENT and decided to stop his antibiotics because he was on 4 different ones from 12/7/09-1/8/10 for ear infections. Then, he went back on amoxicillin on 2/8 and has been on it ever since. I want to see what he does when he gets a rest from them to see if his happiness returns. I also wonder if he suddenly won't drink his milk because the first surgery made it taste funny to him? So, we're trying to switch and see if he drinks more. If none of this works, we'll go back to the Pediatrician to explore further possibilities. I'm praying he is back to his normal self (minus the ear infections) soon!

Jule

Well, it has been 9 days since Jule's adenoid removal, and he is still very fussy. We took him to the ENT on Monday, and he said we may have to put him back under and get a look at the adenoid removal site if he doesn't stop crying. He should only have had pain for 2-3 days. The weekend was very difficult with fevers and screaming episodes. We barely got any sleep and ended up calling Kevin's parents and asking them to take Noly. We just couldn't give her any attention with all of the attention Jule needed.

I really don't want to have Jule put under again if we can help it, but I also want to do what is best for him and what is necessary. It is breaking my heart to watch him suffer...to see him in pain, and there seems to be nothing much we can do for him. He wants to be held non-stop, but that's just not possible. I'm praying for wisdom and insight into what is hurting him so that we can help him feel better. I would gladly take his pain if it would bring him relief.