Up

Have any of you ever seen the movie "Up?" I haven't, but I have seen the clips that start out before the husband and wife are married up until she passes away. Unfortunately, they showed it in church, and it was nearly the end of me!

It's amazing to me how quickly I can be taken back to my time of infertility...of miscarriage. I have two beautiful children who literally fill up each minute of my day. But it only took an instant for me to be taken right back to where the pain consumed me, where grief was my constant companion.

There was a very short clip that showed the man and his wife quite obviously sad in some type of baby doctor's office. It was so short, but so devastating. I am not one to cry easily; and the moment I saw it, every part of my body was mourning. I did not want everyone around me to see what a mess I was inside, so I tried to hold it in as much as I could. I could feel my face turn red and could feel the tears streaming down my cheeks, and there I was again...childless, helpless, longing, desiring. It wasn't as if it had just happened yesterday; it was as if it was happening right then...at that very moment. It was as if the doctor had just told me that our baby's heart had stopped beating. It was as if I was staring at yet another negative pregnancy test.

How quickly we remember, yet how quickly we forget. I felt pretty shaken up for several hours, but then I went back to my daily life, my life with children in it. I want to celebrate the life that God has given to my children every day, but I also want to be able to touch that dark place when someone around me needs me to be "there" with them. When someone is aching to hold their child, I want to be able to mourn with them as the Bible says to "Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep." As 9/11 approaches, I've heard the term "May we never forget." And it is so true. May we never forget what God has brought us through to place us where we are. May we never get so comfortable in our blessings that we forget how it felt in the times that we were left without...with empty, longing arms...with dashed desires and dreams...with skinned knees and bruised palms. For it is in those instances that God holds us in the palms of His hands, and we depend on His very breath to sustain us.