I'm Not My Own

So lately, I've been feeling so out-of-sorts. Since the new church we were trying is not going to work out, I'm left feeling homeless in a sense. This post may seem very scattered because that's the way I've been feeling.

I was reading tonight in II Corinthians 1. Verse 4 took on a new meaning to me: "Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God."

In the past, I have been taught that we go through trouble so that we can help others in the same situation. When I went through many years of infertility, I thought, "Ok, God, I can now empathize with others who are going through the same." Then I thought the same thing when I went through a couple of miscarriages. After going through 8 of them, I thought, "Ok, I don't really need to be able to understand so many of these different tragedies that people go through with pregnancy!" Then, I had preterm labor and preemies. That was closely followed by two very difficult, colicky babies. I was so fed up...I really didn't want to be able to minister to people on so many topics related to babies if that meant I had to go through so much suffering!

Tonight, something clicked. We go through trouble because we live in a fallen world. Because of God's great love for us, He comforts us in the midst of our trouble. He doesn't allow it just so we can minister to others. When we DO minister to others, we are ministering with the love and comfort He has given to us. This great Gift of comfort...His Spirit...the Greatest Comforter. And though I really wish all of this had not been so hard, I'm so grateful that God was my Comfort as I went through all of it, just as I know He'll continue to be as I live in this fallen world. Forgive me if this is not new to all of you : )

The other thing that I started thinking about tonight was how miserable I have been and how lonely I've felt. It's not that a lot has changed. I didn't hang out with my old church friends outside of church...it was just too far away. I was longing for this fellowship with God, for Him to minister to my heart in such a way that it feels like I'm only with Him. It makes all the difference in the world to be filled up by Him. Even though we are church-homeless at the moment, He is very much at home in us. And the only thing that matters in this life, that truly matters, is that I have Him...that every ounce of my being is saturated by Him and Who He is. And as much delight as I have in my two little miracles, He has even MORE delight in me...His child, His creation, His miracle.

We used to sing "I'd Rather Have Jesus" in church as I was growing up:

1. I’d rather have Jesus than silver or gold;
   I’d rather be His than have riches untold;
   I’d rather have Jesus than houses or lands;
   I’d rather be led by His nail-pierced hand
   • Refrain:
     Than to be the king of a vast domain,
     Or be held in sin’s dread sway;
     I’d rather have Jesus than anything
     This world affords today.
2. I’d rather have Jesus than men’s applause;
   I’d rather be faithful to His dear cause;
   I’d rather have Jesus than worldwide fame;
   I’d rather be true to His holy name
3. He’s fairer than lilies of rarest bloom;
   He’s sweeter than honey from out the comb;
   He’s all that my hungering spirit needs;
   I’d rather have Jesus and let Him lead