Feeling Silent

I have been feeling so silent lately...like all of my words have been drained from me. I'm physically exhausted and emotionally spent. Jule has been back on a crying spree, and he is spitting up and throwing up frequently. It's been a year now, and I'm just so weary. I want him to feel good and to be happy. He does have his happy moments, but they are so rare and so fleeting.

I also realized that we have spent almost 9 months now with one of us being sick. We get a week break here and there, but someone always has something. Jule and I were sick last week and ended up missing both his 1 year appointment and his rescheduled appointment. Then, Noly came down with a fever and some kind of virus Monday and Tuesday. When I took her to the doctor on her second day with no drinking, I realized it had been 9 months!!! No wonder I feel like I'm burnt out. I thoroughly enjoy my kids, but I feel like I can barely leave the house with them without someone, usually Jule, getting sick. Dr. C explained to me yesterday that the respiratory sicknesses he is having probably stem from vomit getting into his upper respiratory system. Now, if we could just get him to stop losing his lunch, we'd be good???

Each time he gets croup or I hear that all-too-familiar rattling or stridor, my anxiety kicks into high gear. Will we have to call 911 in the middle of the night this time? Will the breathing treatments keep his breathing under control. Very few things in my life have traumatized me to the extent that seeing my child struggling to breathe has. I know that he's not truly mine, but I love him and want to spend many years with him as my son on this earth.

I don't have as much anxiety with Noly because she only had one incident where croup became complicated enough that she needed an injection. It was related to one illness and never happened again. And while she was sick a lot her first winter with the sitter, she only had "normal," non-scary sicknesses. She went through her right-of-passage as a child. I also wonder if Jule's time in the NICU made me more paranoid of his health? Probably.

So, here you have my thoughts. I haven't been blogging much lately because I just really don't have much to say. I have a lot to think about. I will stay on at 30 hours a week. I explained to my babysitter how my boss changed her mind, and she was gracious enough to work with us on it. But by May 2010, we hope to move closer to the church, find a new sitter, and get Noly enrolled in our Church's 4's program. A lot to do, a year to do it, and I know that God has it all under control and has the best interest of my babies at heart. I know He'll show us if he wants us to stay in our currrent location and send her to school at another Christian school that I love. We just need to find someone to watch Jule...sweet, vomiting Jule : )