Perspective

Last night, we had music rehearsal. It has been two months since I last sang because I only sing once a month; and last month, the teens did the service the weekend I was scheduled to sing. I was SERIOUSLY considering cancelling this weekend, and the reason....anxiety.

I have been having such a terrible time with anxiety lately. It seems like it began when Jule was born and was immediately hospitalized, and it has grown and grown with each health problem that has come our way. I have anxiety about his breathing, I have anxiety about taking care of two sick children alone when my husband is out of town, I have anxiety about how many sick days I'm using at work, and sometimes I have a hard time leaving the house because the anxiety can make me so sick to my stomach. All to say...I'm having a slight problem here : )

The doctor did give me Ativan to help when I need it periodically, and I rarely take it. However, I feel like I've needed it a lot lately. I thought the summer would bring health and vitality to the three of us, but we have continued to catch virus after virus. Jule continues to get croup on a regular basis, AND he continues to cry for hours with a few days sprinkled in here and there of happiness. He is BETTER than he was, but he is still a very difficult baby.

I actually wasn't the least bit surprised to find out that one of this weekend's topics is going to be dealing with anxiety. God really does have perfect timing, doesn't He? We began our vocal rehearsal with a time of prayer over each individual who would be singing this weekend. There were many tears shed, and I noticed some recurring topics...so much stress, so much to do, so many hard things that life is throwing at us. After we ended our prayer time, we began singing and choosing which parts we would sing. There was a lot of laughter and so much oneness in spirit.

After we were done with vocals, we went downstairs to join the band. Only this week, we did not practice with the band. Instead, Eddie walked us through the weekend's services. We all sat in the dimly-lit worship center and listened to a worship CD about going up to the mountain...the place where God's glory dwells. It was something like "Take me up to the mountain. Take me to the place where Your glory dwells." I'm sure those are not the right words, but what I began to see as I closed my eyes is that I was looking down on my life. It was all about my perspective. From the mountain, my anxiety and worries seemed so small. I was with God; there was nothing to fear. Everything that seemed to surround me and swirl around my head was suddenly way under my feet (or better, Christ's feet).

Then, the song switched over to "Breathing the Breath." It's lyrics are "We are breathing the breath that You gave us to breathe to worship You, to worship You. And we're singing these songs with the very same breath to worship You, to worship You." It made me keenly aware that the very breath I breathe is from God, and His life and love are moving in and through me. The God of the universe dwells in me and is in my corner. Anxiety truly has no place. I am very excited to see what God is going to do in the services this weekend, and I'm praying that He changes me...as the music plays...as Eddie speaks...and as I live my life for Him. I want my anxiety to dissipate, even if my situation doesn't change. I want to change...I want my perspective to change.