Revisiting our ENT Friend

This morning, I took Jule to his appointment for a follow-up with the ENT that we got a second opinion with (i.e. the genius that linked his croup to reflux). I was a little nervous that he would be upset with me for not getting the nasty 24-hour Ph study done on Jule, but Kevin and I both felt we did not want to do the test if it wasn't necessary because it would be very unpleasant for Jule.

I told the ENT that Jule has not had one instance of croup since we increased his reflux meds since he mentioned it may not be controlled. To my surprise, he smiled and was thrilled and said, "Well, I will just let you call me if you ever need me again. He doesn't need to be monitored!" What relief! He said that it would not surprise him if Jule had one or two croup occurrences during the winter and that would be completely acceptable. We will need to do further testing only if he starts getting it constantly like he had been. Any surgeries and invasive procedures we can eliminate in our house would be completely welcomed! I'm so glad we went with our guts and where we felt led and did not put him through more testing. And I'm praying he continues to do well on his meds!

Thank You, God, for grace over Jule's croup and giving wisdom when we asked!

2011

I can't believe how quickly the end of 2011 is approaching. I am beyond thrilled to end this year and begin a new year. I did a quick count of some of our 2011 events.

In 2011:
6 Croup occurrences, 2 requiring ambulance rides
130 migraines
1 broken toe requiring surgery, 3 months to heal
1 Grandma gone and missed
15-20 pounds lost that didn't need to go
2 Preschools stating problems with my child
2 Different Evaluations of a "normal" child
34 Trips to the Pediatrician

That's a lot in a little less than 365 days. I guess I can understand why I feel so exhausted when I look at all that has happened in 2011. However, I am looking forward to 2012 being much better. I pray that the changes we are making help bring about a calmer, healthier year for all of us. I have two beautiful children who have no idea that 2011 was a difficult year, and I'm thankful that they are too young to understand it. I want to enjoy the short time that they are young. Too soon, they'll be teenagers and won't think I'm cool at all. So, I will enjoy that they think I'm awesome now. Looking forward to 2012 and the extra time I get to spend with the kids by being home with them.

9 more days of actual work until I'm a stay-at-home mom!

She is Here Today

Today is my birthday. I have been dreading it for weeks now because I knew she would not be here. There would be no phone call or card in the mail. There would be no easily recognized voice singing to me over the phone. I knew she would be painfully absent. Yet somehow, Grandma showed up...in a duck.

Before you think I need to get a grip on reality, let me explain :) When Jule was 5 weeks old, his reflux was so bad that all he did was cry day and night when he wasn't asleep. So, with Kevin's agreement, the kids and I flew to Indiana for 3 weeks to get some help. While my Mom and Dad had to work, my grandparents were all retired and had plenty of time to play with 2 1/2-year-old Noly, and screaming Jule. One day, when we were at my granparents', Noly became obsessed with this duck. Grandma had many little duck figurines, and Noly loved dragging this one around. Since Noly and Jule had two grandmas and two great-grandmas, my dad's parents quickly became known as Grandma & Grandpa Duck. Both kids always knew who we were talking about when we called them by that name.

When Grandma died, Grandpa sent this duck home for Noly to remember Grandma by. It's not something the kids normally play with, but let me tell you...this duck has made so many appearances today. For some reason, the kids kept bringing it to me. I am sad today, but I'm also ok. She IS here today...not in body, soul or spirit. She's here in the deposits she left in my life; she is here in my fond memories of many birthdays spent with her; she is here in my children's memories of her; she is here in this odd little duck that I have no idea why she bought; she is here in the musical gifts God has given me; she's even here in my memories of complete embarrassment when she kissed me goodbye in front of everyone in my college dorm.

God has granted me life...life from a 15-year-old girl and 17 year-old boy's accident. It was no accident to God, and He had plans for me from my very conception. I'm so thankful that God brought such a Godly influence into the life of an unplanned baby, and I treasure the memory of a Grandma whose eyes welled up with tears after spending just a couple of days away from me. I know she loved me greatly, and right now, she is fully experiencing the love of the One who made her. I love you, Grandma. Thank you for always making me feel so loved and celebrated on every single birthday (and every day).

The Studfinder

This weekend, I finally had everything I needed to hang my guitars on the wall. This seems to be the best choice to keep little hands away :) One thing that was VERY important was attaching the mounts to a stud. I had no idea how to find a stud, and Kevin didn't know for sure either, so we bought a studfinder. They look great, and they are not going anywhere.

I started thinking about how important it is to be anchored to the "stud" in our lives. Without God's strength and faithfulness, we would surely come crashing down. But when He is the One that is holding us up, the One we are anchored to, we can be absolutely confident that we are trusting in a secure stronghold. He keeps us safe from the dangers that would destroy us. And no matter how "heavy" we are, He's got it...no problem. I'm glad He is easier to find than a stud ;)

Small Updates

I'm still crying most days when I think about my Grandma, but I know I am just grieving and not depressed. I know this will get better and that it's completely ok to grieve.

The State evaluators called me this week to tell me Jule is completely fine and does not need any type of intervention. They were very impressed with his cognitive skills too! So, with two separate evaluations coming back good, I feel like my first instincts that he is fine have been confirmed! It is a relief to have experts tell you that your feelings are right :)

Noly got her Kindergarten reading evaluations back, and she is reading at a first grade level. I'm so proud of her. She tries to read everything and is very quick to learn blended letter sounds that I teach her. Of course, I would be proud of her even if she was not reading at a K5 level, but it's nice to have some areas in our lives that are not a struggle!

I am back up to 19 migraines in the past month, so I called the Neuro to see if the Botox has been approved by my insurance company. I'm in pain almost daily, and it's miserable. It would be really awesome if the Botox could give me months of relief...and with no pill to add to my system.

Jule has been croup-free for several months now, and I'm happy to say that a happy, giggly little boy is quickly emerging. He is a riot, and he is completely addicted to me (which I am loving). I know it won't last long. Noly is having a hard time when Kevin travels and wants her Daddy to be home all the time, so I do worry a little that it will be hard for her when I am at home full-time and he has to travel more. I will just have to come up with fun things to keep her mind busy, and maybe we can Skype with Kevin some. I'm very much looking forward to being home and having some down time to recover from the past 3.5 years :)

A Birthday Without a Card

I am so sad. It's December, which usually means a lot of celebrating. However, this year December is bringing a lot of pain. My birthday is in a couple of weeks, and it will be the first year of my life that I will not be getting a Birthday card from my Grandma. It breaks my heart. She always found the card that said what she wanted it to say, and she would cross out and write in different words if it wasn't exactly what she wanted to say. She would also underline words in the pre-printed text that meant a lot to her. I'm not one to save cards, but I saved last years because she wrote such a special note in it. Last year, she wrote, "Happy Birthday, you have been such a Blessing and for all the Love and Joy you have given to us. God bless you." How that both rips my heart out and brings me such joy now. If there is anyone I look like, it's her. If it's anyone I act like, it's her.

I just cannot decorate for Christmas this year. I am doing a small tree and special small decorations just for the kids, but they aren't old enough to know that I would usually have a big tree and tons of decorations up by now. Christmas was Grandma's favorite day of the year. It was obvious she lived for it! She would make 5 different desserts, two different meats, several vegetables and whatever else necessary so that everyone there had something on the table that was their favorite. She greatly treasured her family, and it was especially obvious on this day. Just two weeks before she died, I sat with them at dinner while they ate and was coordinating with my Uncle over the phone when we would all be home for Christmas so that we could all be there together, and she just beamed. I didn't know those plans would never happen...nor did she.

When our first baby, Hannah, passed away, Grandma called me to tell me how sorry she was and had to hang up the phone because she was crying so much. It touched me at such a deep level. She had lost her first baby too. She understood, and she wept with me. I am so blessed and so grateful that God gave me someone who my heart was linked to and that I got to have her in my life for almost 37 years. I miss her. I love her. And I know she is having her greatest Christmas yet...she is celebrating Jesus' birth WITH Him. For now, I mourn and grieve, but I know time will bring a certain healing. One day, hopefully many years from now, we will celebrate together again in the presence of the One we celebrate during this season.

Ahhhh....weekend!

We are having a nice weekend. Kevin's parents were able to keep Noly last night, so we took Jule to Costco to stock up on some items we will need after I quit working. We are trying to stock up on a year's supply of TP, Paper Towels, etc. whenever Costco has coupons.

My foot feels like it is healing again, but I'm being careful so that I can hopefully walk soon. We found scooters at Costco and Home Depot and a wheelchair at Kohl's. It was nice to be able to shop a little. Jule was delightful and enjoyed everywhere we took him. He keeps telling me his tummy hurts at random times, which was a little confusing to me. This morning, he had only been up for a few minutes and told me his tummy hurt while smiling. It occurred to me that maybe he is hungry...yep, happy my tummy hurts means hunger; crying my tummy hurts means feeling icky. I'm glad it's getting a little easier to figure him out.

Noly is quickly maturing, and I want her to slow down! She is becoming so independent and is truly helpful with Jule sometimes. Today, she called me from Kevin's parents' house to tell me she went outside with them to pick some little oranges. I'm not sure what they are, but she had a lot of fun picking them. Kevin took Jule out to pick her up, so I got to have some time at home alone. That is always nice! These are the ordinary weekends I crave more of!

Healing and Rebuilding

So, thankfully, the pin did not hurt at all coming out. I told the tech I was nervous, and he assured me it would not hurt. I thought for sure he was just saying that...you know, they often tell you it won't and it does! I heard a pop and looked down, and it was out! The Ortho said I could be off of my crutches but have to wear my boot until the hole seals. I was so excited and walked all over yesterday....and today, I'm paying for it. By last night, I was in unbearable pain, and we had to stay home rather than go to our Small Group Thanksgiving. I got the crutches back out because I want to get some relief. I know the healing will come...in time, it will come. I know this is only temporary.

I was reading Jeremiah 33 today, and it really echoed what I have felt God saying...that He will bring us health and He will "rebuild" us. Verse 6 stuck out to me, "Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security." I don't know that I'll ever know exactly why we have gone through these years of illness, but I know God will bring us healing. Joel 2:25-26 says, "And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpiller, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you. And ye shall eat in plenty, and be satisfied, and praise the name of the LORD your God, that hath dealt wondrously with you: and my people shall never be ashamed."

I remember feeling like I was on top of the world in December 2002. I graduated college and was working my dream job as a Tax Preparer at a CPA firm. I could foresee myself being there forever. I know I'm a nerd, but I loved the challenge of preparing taxes. When I was in the Master's Program, I became pregnant after 10 years of infertility. It was so unbelievable and exciting! My heart was crushed when I found out that our baby had passed somewhere between my 8 week ultrasound and my 11 week. But in that 11 weeks, my heart had changed. All I wanted was to be a Mommy. I discontinued the Master's Program after becoming pregnant and miscarrying numerous times. It was just too much for me emotionally. I had been an intern at the CPA firm, so I was done there once April 15 came and went. I decided I wasn't in any shape to give the commitment that kind of a job demanded.

When I started working for the State and eventually had Noly and Jule, my life became all about them. But a large part of that was my providing them with Insurance through my job. I find myself thinking, "What am I doing? I'm quitting my job at a time when Jule seems to be getting better and we seem to have found a good migraine preventive?" I really have no explanation. But, at the same time, I have the most compelling explanation my mind can find...we're doing our best to follow the Giver of Life. Just as I thought that CPA Firm was the best thing and was wrong, God has such good things planned for me and my family. I'm so thankful for where He is leading us!

The Pin is Coming Out

In a few minutes, I'm heading over to the Orthopedist to get this pin out of my foot! I'm so excited (and scared)! I'm hoping to be able to walk right out of his office.

We had a nice weekend despite both kids being sick again. Noly had a slight fever again Friday night after not having one from Monday thru Thursday. Saturday morning, both kids had horrible sounding breathing and deep coughs. Thankfully, our Pediatrician was the one working this past Saturday, so we got in with him right when they opened. He put them both on oral and nasal steroids, and they both sound much better. Even with all of this, we did not hear a hint of croup! That brings my mommy heart such great joy!

I played keys for church again, and the sermon was excellent! It was basically about how you can't out give God. He was talking about how God blesses your finances when you tithe AND will rebuke the devourer for you. And I realized, as much as he's blessed our two incomes, He will bless us with only one because we will tithe. One income with His blessing and covering is more than enough! It was hard to make the transition to giving a full 10% before Noly was even born, but God has been so faithful to more than cover what we are giving back to Him. He has truly blessed us! Time to go...time to get the pin out!

Bye, Bye Croup

Well, Jule is starting to get over a head cold that started on Sunday. I'm very encouraged that we have not seen any croup. He has been severely stuffed up and coughing, and all of this would have triggered croup in the past. I am hopeful that the increase in his reflux meds will put an end to our frequent companion, Croup! I am also hoping that we will not need to do any of the invasive testing because Jule has simply been through too much already.

I'm scheduled to get my pin out on Monday as long as the xrays look good. I cannot wait to walk again! I'm not sure if my foot will continue to swell after the pin comes out or not; I've read conflicting reports on the internet. It's been amazing to me to discover how much some people will go out of their way to help and others will turn around and pretend you aren't there. I hope it will make me more aware of others needing assistance around me.

I'm having moments of elation when I think about being home with Jule and being able to relax and cuddle with him during the day, and I can't wait to spend the summer with both of my kids doing fun things and hopefully spend a few weeks up North with my parents and extended family. I'm also having moments of fear because I'm leaving the familiar, the seemingly secure, the lunch hours where I can just sit with a friend and relax. Work is not usually truly work for me. It is very low-key most of the time, and it's not difficult. Raising kids....THAT is difficult. I have the utmost respect for those moms who stay at home with their kids. I adore my kids, but I also like having a little break from them during the day. I guess my thoughts are kind-of jumbled. I do firmly believe this is where God is leading our family, so at least my mind isn't jumbled about that! I have several friends who are part of a Bible Study on Thursdays, and I definitely want to be part of that. I'm just doing my best to keep my eyes and ears open to where God is directing. At least after Monday, I will hopefully be able to WALK in that direction!

Labor

I played keys for a retreat our church was having Friday night, and I found myself in tears again. God began showing me that it will not always be like this, and that He has a ministry for me to do. He is going to bring healing to our household. I don't know when it will happen, but He began filling me with a hope for our future, a hope of a more "normal" life. We sang "Your Love Never Fails," "Our God," and "We Still Believe." Some of the phrases that stuck with me were "there may be pain in the night, but joy comes with the morning," "our God is healer, awesome in power," and "though the journey has been hard...Your faithfulness is our reward."

Sometimes, I go back and read my journal to help me remember things that God has been speaking to my heart. It's very easy to forget with the busy buzz of life. I went back to a year ago and read that God had been speaking to me about entering into a time of rest. He was also speaking to me about all of this pain and turmoil being a time of "labor" that will give birth to a ministry. I had completely forgotten about all of this. 2011 has been anything but a time of rest for me. It has been very hard, very trying. It gets to the point where it feels like this is how it will be forever. But God is renewing in me that word..."rest." I believe He is going to bring us a time of health, rest and renewal.

I am praying about what God wants to come out of this time of being at home. Does He want me to move away from Accounting and towards a Ministry? Should I use the time at home to study for and get my CPA license? That would really help me land a good job when it's time to go back to work. However, it would be worthless if God is calling me into a ministry. Definitely, I will be able to spend more time with the kids, and I won't have to use so much of my time trying to prepare for the next work/school day. But my heart really yearns to know what God desires during this time. I don't feel like this is a light decision, and I also feel like it is a life-changing decision. How wonderful life could be when we are not constantly sick and going to doctor appointments! I don't know if my mind can even wrap around what a more normal life is like.

I'm embarking on something I never thought I would do. If I think about it very much, my stomach starts to turn and flip because it is still terrifying to me in some ways. I have to bring my mind back to the truth that God will provide all we need, that He has a plan for our lives, and that we are walking in a direction that He has made vivid and clear to us and that He will continue to guide us as we seek Him.

Resigned

The dictionary definitions of "resign" are as follows:
1. to give up an office or position, often formally
2. to submit; yield: to resign before the inevitable.
3. to give up
4. to relinquish (a right, claim, agreement, etc.).
5. to give or sign over, as to the control or care of another
6. to submit (oneself, one's mind, etc.) without resistance.

In more than one sense, I have resigned. I never thought that the day would come that I would resign from my State job, and certainly not in the state our economy is in. But, I have resigned. My last day of employment with the State will be 1/6/12. I want to give them enough time for me to train someone to fill my spot. I want to treat my boss with the kindness and respect she has shown me, so I'm giving them a 2 month notice.

The reason I am resigning is because I have resigned. I'm giving myself over to the control and care of the One Who has all things in His control. The One Who loves me the most and has higher thoughts and plans for me than I can ever have for myself. As we sat in church Sunday, my husband and I were both struck with the overwhelming confirmation that, indeed, God was leading me to quit my job. We sat in two different services because I played keys for both services, and he did not make it to the first service with the kids. So, here we were, in two different services (though the same sermon), and God spoke the very same thing to our hearts. When we talked last night, I was almost giddy. I actually would prefer to work...it's easier in some ways. But I know enough to know that obedience to God's nudging will result in what is best for my life, for my family, for my heart. Ultimately, God will do a work that will far surpass what can happen when I take my life path into my own hands.

He has been so faithful to bring us these two little treasures, and it has been a very difficult journey for the past three years with Jule's health, etc. I believe He is about to do something new in our lives, and I believe it will result in some heart and life changes for me. And it all started with a stubbed toe. What seemed to be a huge imposition has turned into the very thing that God spoke to our hearts through. We have asked for wisdom, and He answered. We have stood still and are seeing the the salvation of the Lord.

Daycare is going well for Jule, and my migraines only totaled 7 for the month of October. We have definitely seen some improvements in some things. So, it's not about removing Jule from Daycare, and it's not that my migraines are too bad for me to work. It is about obedience. Sensing a move of God and going in that direction. Stepping out in faith that God will provide all we need. Learning to rely on Him more. We're about to jump off of the cliff in faith, knowing that the mighty hand of God will catch us. Ready for the ride?

Random Sunday

You may have noticed that the blog looks a little different. I was having problems with aura migraines being triggered with the previous colors, so I switched it. I don't like it as well, but it doesn't hurt my head.

We are still praying about my job situation. I am still on crutches but only have two weeks to go until I can get the pin out and start walking again! I was finally able to get my hair done...3 weeks later than I normally would. Jule is now in the 3's class at school even though he is not potty trained because he interacts so much better with the 3's than the 2's. They may even say that they think he is "normal" at this point? He has been doing much better overall at school since his ears no longer hurt. Noly is still loving school. She got a gash in her head on Tuesday from the Pledge can falling on her head from a shelf. Thankfully, they were able to glue it rather than stitch it! Kevin is doing well and is probably as anxious as I am for me to walk again.

That pretty much sums up our week. It was very physically draining for me, but it ended better than it began! Our small group is so wonderful and so many people are offering to help me out while my foot is healing. I'm very thankful for the group of people we do life with.

My Favorite Things

We have a lot of if's and maybe's floating around right now, so I wanted to freeze time a little to jot down my favorite things about the kids at THIS stage in their lives:

Noly just turned 6. I love the way she is learning to sound out words. I love how she writes me sweet little notes that came straight from her head. I love her sweetness and her willingness to help me. I love how she ALWAYS has to go to the bathroom in the middle of every meal. It's just her. I love her fashion sense and her sense of humor. I love how she can be so kind to her little brother even when he is annoying her, and I love her determination to dress him up as a Princess no matter how much he initially resists. At this point, I would guess she would be a vet when she grows up, though she thinks she should be a superstar. I love that she wants to name her son (which she hopes not to have) Sonic and her daughter (which is all she wants) Sally. I love her laid back personality and the way she seems to command the attention of everyone in the room when she walks in.

Jule is just over 3. I love his new love for cuddling since I hurt my foot and how he says, "Sit on my lap" every evening. I love his drive and determination. I love his fuzzy blonde hair and find myself rubbing his head often. I love the way he resists dressing as a Princess but gives in to make his Sissy happy. I love the way he sings his ABC's at the top of his lungs and then cheers for himself when he is done. I love that he picks out the same CARS 2 book every time he wants me to read to him and how he gets upset when we come to the page he tore out months ago every time we see it. I love how he greets me with "Good morning, Mommy" every morning. I really love that he is not a morning person like me. It helps provide a balance when we have two other cheerful morning people in the house :)

I know all of the things they are doing now will change soon...they always do. I just have to remember to write them down more often.

Changes on the Horizon

I have been asking God for wisdom....wisdom regarding Jule's health, regarding my health, regarding my job, etc. And God has been abundantly answering. He pours out wisdom on those who ask just like James 1 says. Jule has been napping, actually napping, at school since we upped his reflux meds. He also sounded like croup was coming Saturday evening, BUT he slept peacefully through the night. Only God could give the kind of insight we needed to link the croup and reflux together. I'm so thankful for the doctors He has brought into our lives.

The Keppra is making a huge difference in my migraines. In August, I had 17 migraines. I started Keppra towards the end of September and ended up with 14 migraines in September. So far for October....5. Yep, 5! I have been keeping track of them for years, and 5 is by far the lowest number on my sheet. I know October isn't over yet, but my quality of life is improving so much. I cannot imagine what I will be able to do once I can walk again!

I played keys for church this weekend, and as we rehearsed, I felt a release. It was odd. I was completely teary-eyed, and it wasn't even a special, deep moment. God was working in me. I began considering that maybe God wants me home. I had been ok with that thought if I got fired because at least unemployment could pay for Insurance for a time. But the thought of just quitting my job never seemed to be an option. I thought surely this was just a passing thought but asked God to confirm it if that is His plan. The sermon was very much giving me the same feeling. So, I talked to Kevin during dinner last night. We realized that I pretty much work for free once we pay my tithe and childcare expenses. It's just the insurance. So, we are praying about me quitting in a few months if his company can afford to pay for the COBRA insurance. By the time COBRA would go away, Jule would be in Kindergarten and I could go back to work with a hopefully very healthy little boy. This is just in the beginning stages, and we are praying and asking God what He wants us to do. It would not harm my years of service at the State, but merely put them on pause. Kevin would have to travel more, but we think it may also help my migraines and stress level. I know God will give us wisdom in this because we have already seen Him move so vividly in Jule's life. Please pray with us for clear direction in the upcoming weeks/months.

Psalm 27:14

Today, as I was doing my work, I glanced at BibleGateway's verse for today. It was Psalm 27:14, "Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD."

As I sit here "waiting," I'm doing my best to be strong and courageous. I have to admit, it's hard. I went to the Orthopedist yesterday, and he said I will need to have the pin in for 4 more weeks and be on crutches for 4 more weeks. I'm getting very physically worn out. It's hard to keep up with the kids, especially when Kevin is on the road. Jule has become aware that I cannot physically do what I used to and is taking advantage. Noly is being very helpful and has even become more independent during this time. I just have to wait 4 more weeks, then I can walk normally again!

We had an appointment with an ENT for a second opinion on Jule's frequent, complicated croup. The first ENT, who we love, just pretty much left it open ended. Our Pediatrician felt like he needed to be further assessed. The new ENT is awesome. Unfortunately, there are three things he feels we need to have done. He is not sure whether Jule's reflux is truly controlled or not. To our naked eye, it seems pretty well controlled though he has infrequent choking and vomiting. It is nowhere near what it used to be. But what our eyes cannot see could be wreaking havoc. So first, he would like to have a feeding-type tube put down Jule's nose for 24 hours. This would measure the pH levels or something and see how much reflux he is having. It sounds horrible to have him awake and aware of all of this for 24 hours. I feel like he's already suffered so much, but it also feels necessary to get to the root of the problem. He would then like Jule to have another respiratory surgery and upper GI with biopsies to check on what could physically be going on. This was a lot for me to swallow, but we do feel it is a step in the right direction. We are upping his Prevacid to 2 pills a day rather than one because it is possible the croup got worse when Peds GI told us to go down to 1. Maybe that will solve the croup problem?

We have been continuing to have problems with the Daycare. He still loves to go, but he is wearing on their nerves. One problem is that he has been having fluid in his ears that is causing ear pain, so he is more crabby than usual. On top of that, my State job threatened to fire me if I don't stop missing so much work. I wish it was that easy. I would make Jule and I 100% healthy in an instant if I had that power. At least I know the One Who does. Without Him, I would truly be hopeless.

I am sorting through all of this and doing what I can and letting go where I have no control. Ultimately, I will be there for my son. He is my priority. Unfortunately, carrying insurance for him is part of taking care of him...making sure his medical needs are taking care of...and they are MANY. So, I ask for prayers for us...for our health, for wisdom for our doctors, for favor with my job. I'm doing the best I can. Through all of this, God hasn't changed and hasn't ceased to be there for me. He is the same today as He was when I held my long-awaited miracles in my arms for the first time. That was after a long fight and a long wait. I know that, when I wait again, God will be there in the waiting, and His glory will shine through. I also know His outcome may not be my desired outcome, so I give it to Him because His thoughts are much higher than mine.

I don't know that I'll ever look back on these times and laugh, but I will look back and know that God carried us through.

Gideon

I've fallen very behind on both reading and writing blogs. I stubbed my toe a couple of weeks ago and both fractured and dislocated it near the joint. It was pointing the wrong way even after it was put back into place (ouch, btw), so I had to have surgery last week. While I was waiting on surgery, it seems that I caught Hand, Foot and Mouth from the ER. I had really high fevers and blisters all over my throat for 5-6 days...not fun, but it sure made me forget about my foot! When I got back to work, a warning from the HR department awaited me. My kind boss had gone down to HR to check on FMLA coverage for my surgery, and they saw how much I have been out in the past year. She tried to explain to them about my migraines and about Jule's health, but they didn't care. They told her she had to tell me I would be fired if my attendance did not improve. I told her I really don't have any control over it. I can't control when/how long Jule gets sick for, and we have made every attempt to control my migraines. When Kevin travels, I am left alone to keep Jule home when the Daycare won't allow him to be there due to sickness. It has been very overwhelming because I carry our insurance, and we REALLY need the insurance.

Sunday, our Pastor taught on Gideon. It touched me so deeply. He was talking about how God called him a mighty man of valor, or something like that, and how contrary to Gideon's thinking that was. I feel very much like a failure in my ability to function like a normal person daily. I feel like I am failing my family because I may not be able to keep the job that is providing our insurance. I am left feeling so "less than." But I know that God is ultimately in control of the situation, and I know that insurance really doesn't matter in light of eternity. I still care, but I cannot carry the weight of it. Either God will bring us healing, or He will provide for our medical care. He has a plan so much bigger than my mind can know.

I did start a new migraine preventive the night before I broke my toe, and it is making a HUGE difference with minimal side effects! I'm very thankful for some head relief!

Standing Still

James 1:5 says, "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." I have been speaking that verse and praying that God would give me wisdom in dealing with Jule and wisdom in dealing with the school., AND He is so faithful to answer.

This weekend, I thought of a consequence to try for him to get him to stop screaming. We tried it, and it worked in 1 minute. We have used it consistently, and it has cut his screaming from hours to one whole minute. My head is so thankful! They have also implemented it at school, and it is helping them too.

I have really been struggling with what to do regarding the school. I strongly feel he is supposed to be there, but I did not know what to do with the Director. I went to small group last night, and we talked about standing still. Sometimes, it is not in moving forward that you are actually moving forward. When God says to stand still, you gain ground by doing just that.

Ephesians 6:10-17 "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God."

II Chronicles 20:17 "You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you."

God has been so faithful to make very clear to me that I don't need to "do" anything right now. I don't have to try to convince her of anything. I don't need to fight for my cause. He is keeping Jule safe, and somehow, God will shine through in this situation. I have no idea what that will look like, but I need to obey and stand. I've done a lot...we have gone to many, many doctors to help him out with his physical needs and whatever else he has needed. And right now, I just need to stand firm. It gives me a certain peace, even though my heart is still sad remembering what she said about him. I'm praying for God to move in the situation.

Hard Day

It's been a very hard day for me. Once again, I was called into the Director's office at Jule's school. She was out last week and wanted to know how his evaluation went. I smiled and told her the good news. Unfortunately, she did not share in my joy. Her face fell into a frown, and she said, "I can't believe they would say he is normal." Everything in me wanted to attack. He is my baby! She went on to question who we used, what tests they ran, etc. I told her we waited 4 months for the best doctors we could find and that they used the same tests they use on all of the other kids. I have no idea what they were named. She just kept shaking her head and saying she couldn't believe they could say he's normal. She said he cannot speak up to par, and I told her two separate speech pathologists determined his speech to be in an acceptable range. She said normal children take naps. I told her they said he was within normal limits because he sleeps 12 hours at night with no problem. She just kept rejecting what they said.

My heart was so broken, but I knew I had to keep calm and keep my tongue under control. I was mad...I was heartbroken that someone would speak about my son like that. Once again, he has been labeled, only this time, I know very much that it is an incorrect label. His teachers are amazing and did not react this way, so I want to keep him there at this point. He still LOVES going and his teachers' faces light up when he walks in all happy in the morning. We talk about what forms of discipline work best with him, and we are truly working together to bring about a more non-screaming Jule. I am still scared. I'm scared he will get kicked out. Not because he is naughty, and I'm not even sure what the reason would be. My heart is so heavy tonight, even to the point that I feel I could vomit, but I know God is at work in the midst of the situation. He still loves our sweet Jule and made him every bit as unique as he is.

Jeremiah

Last Friday was really difficult for me. I thought that Jule's fresh start at his new school was going perfectly. When the Director talked to me, it sent fear through my heart. I was so happy they were loving him despite his difficulty, but I was disheartened because they too were having problems with him. Thankfully, the problems were not with tactile sensitivity anymore. He has completely outgrown all of that! I drove to work very discouraged, knowing that his evaluation appointment was even more important to keep now.

As I sat and worked, I was listening to Chuck Swindoll's "Insight for Living" online. His topic was the prophet Jeremiah. He talked about how Jeremiah was known as the weeping prophet, yet he had a strength to stand alone against the evil of the day. Some of the phrases from Jeremiah 1 that he used were"fortified city," "iron pillar," and "bronze wall." Then it hit me very hard. Jule is VERY much all of those things. He is unmovable, he is determined, yet he is so sweet and compassionate. I remembered how God spoke to me when I was 14 and told me I would have a son, and I remembered how He began to reveal to me that this son would be a prophet through the book of Jeremiah. I don't know if He was speaking to me over the 20 years to encourage me through these times, but it sure does make a difference in my perspective. I would not say it makes it any easier, but it helps me keep eternity in mind. It surely drives me to my knees in my efforts to raise this treasure God has given us. I know there will be times I will fail, but God knew that I could do it with His help.

He is out of school today because of pink eye, and the stress just doesn't seem to end. However, I do know the One Who knew Jule before he was even formed in my belly, and I know He will give us grace and direction as we journey through this thing called parenthood.

Developmental Pediatrics

This morning, we went to Jule's Developmental Peds appointment. I could not wait to get there and get it over with because I was really getting confused about what is going on with him. He loves his new school, but they have also been having problems with him. They did not say they think he is autistic but said they thought he should be evaluated because he screams frequently for no apparent reason. They said he often screams when the other children get anywhere near a toy he is playing with. They told me all of this Friday, and to say I have been stressed out is a huge understatement. Whether Jule had autism or a developmental delay or whatever else would not change my love for him or my determination to help him in any way I can. It's just that I am SO physically limited with my migraines, and I didn't know how I would physically be able to handle even more OT appointments or take him to another school that involved further driving. It is not out of lack of desire, but out of my physical limitation.

Much to my relief, Jule is not even on the autism spectrum. His developmental testing came back at his age level, so there is no need to take him back at all! To hear those words made me feel like I could breathe a little again. Now, we need to work with his school to help him learn not to scream. His new school is amazing, and they treat him with love and kindness even though he is difficult. He still loves going every day, which makes us very happy! The Peds Specialist thinks he has had so much physical pain and sickness in his 3 years of life that he has just learned to scream. Whether it is for something he wants, doesn't want or is in pain, he screams. Because he is very determined and strong willed, it could carry on for hours. So, she suggested a book for some ideas since we have not been able to come up with anything to truly stop him. I do not want to break his strong will. He needs it to do what God has called him to do. But I want him to learn to express himself without ear-piercing screams. I am praying that God would give us and the school wisdom on how to work with him to help him. I am also praying they will remain loving and have the patience to work with us and him through it. I am still nervous that there will come a point when they will have to kick him out, but I'm praying not.

Solomon talked a LOT about wisdom, and my prayer is for wisdom and God's insight on how to help Jule become the man he needs to be.

Small Updates

I am happy to report that Jule is doing amazing in his new school! We are very happy with the new school, and he is happy to go every morning. He is in a class size of 6 compared to 14 at the last school. Also, his teacher truly loves him and enjoys him. It is so different from him having a teacher that barely tolerated him. When we moved him, we chose not to reveal any information about the other school's issues with him, except for the fact that he does not nap. His new school keeps telling us how smart he is and how funny he is and how proud of him they are for knowing his colors. This is so different from hearing that he doesn't interact with other kids, screams all the time and doesn't know any words but "otay." I am very thankful that he is doing so well and that they love him so much. I am still taking him to be evaluated by Developmental Pediatrics next week mostly because we went through a lot to get the appointment. I'm fairly certain they will say nothing is wrong with him, though I'm not sure what they will think about him not being able to jump yet.

Noly is doing very well in Kindergarten. She loves riding the bus for a short time in the mornings and loves everything about school. She already has homework and is not really fond of that. She keeps getting in trouble for playing and not listening, but I'm wondering if part of it is her level of excitement about school. She gets wound up very easily. One nice thing is that both kids are asleep by 8PM because they are so exhausted. That gives me some time to be alone a little or to be with Kevin when he is in town.

Work has slowed down, and for that, I am VERY thankful! I was working on a huge project part of July and most of August, and it left me little time to do anything extra. Hopefully, I'll have a little more time to blog ;)

Grace

I would like to introduce you to my Grandma...her name was Grace.  We named Noly after her when we named her Nolynn Grace.  These pictures were taken the first week of August, and my Grandma died without much warning on 8/17/11.  She lived in the same home for close to 50 years, she was married to my  Grandpa for 61 years, she LOVED God, and she loved her family.

 This is the last time we saw her.  She was delighted that Jule cuddled up with her to listen to a music box.  She was wearing a paper necklace that Noly made when we had visited two days before.  She LOVED her great-grandkids...all 8 of them!

Obviously, I've known her all my life.  She met my mom for the first time when my mom and dad told her that my mom was 15 and pregnant with me.  I was her first grandchild!  Though a very dedicated Christian, she was never ashamed of me just because I was born out of wedlock.

I want to share with you my first memory of her.  I was there all the time when I was young, and when I was around Jule's age, I was playing with her.  Her phone rang, and she talked for a minute before hanging up.  I asked her to play with me again, but she told me, "That was someone from the church, and they had a prayer request for the prayer chain.  I need to go pray first."  I followed her as she went to her bedroom and got on her knees and immediately prayed for that prayer request.  This woman was a prayer warrior, though she may have never even heard that phrase.  She taught me to pray for people...to really pray.  She taught me to make the time for God.  When we went to her house after she died, I found her Bible with the final daily devotion she had read.  My Grandpa was kind enough to let me have it, and I love to read through its worn pages just as she did.  I love her notes and highlights, her handwriting, the tape where she had to put some ripped pages back together.  I treasure her great love for our God.

I still cry a lot because I miss her.  We talked at least once a week, and I miss our phone calls.  I miss just knowing that she was there in her house...cooking and ironing.  I am so thankful that God blessed me with a Grandmother who knew Him and who always pointed me to Him.  I bet she is up in heaven dancing with my 8 children who left the earth before I could meet them...they are her great-grandchildren.  I miss you, Grandma, and I love you.  But most of all, I'm glad you loved Him.

My Grandma

My Grandma died in the middle of the night. I will share more in the future, but for now, I just can't stop crying.

Struck Down, But Not Destroyed

Lately, I have been feeling very overwhelmed. I know that seems to happen a lot. A few weeks ago, Jule became very sick. Once again, we had to call an ambulance because he had severe croup that made breathing very difficult. He was also running 103 fever, and we could not get any meds into him because the goal with croup is to keep them calm. So, once again, we took off in an ambulance. The next morning, Kevin took him to the Pediatrician, and our very calm Ped was fairly alarmed at how bad Jule sounded even after having the maximum amount of steroids. I was unable to go to work because Jule was so sick, and Noly woke up with close to 102 fever the morning after the ER, and work became very frustrated with me. It felt like everything was beyond what I could bear and definitely beyond what I could control. My brother-in-law was able to keep Noly at the office so that I could work for the last few days of the week. Then, we headed to Indiana.

By this time, I had caught whatever the kids had. So, our drive was very difficult. 15 hours is a long drive when you are feeling well, and it feels like an eternity when you are sick and have a migraine. We made it up there, and I had lost about 6 lbs. in the two days we traveled. I did have a nice time with my family, but I did not truly feel good the whole time. Our trip back went a little better, and I had Jule alone last week. There was a lot to do to prepare for Noly's entrance into Kindergarten this week, so my week was very busy with just one child.

On top of that, my migraines have skyrocketed. We are having evening thunderstorms almost every evening. And while that is good for the drought, it is really bad for my head that feels every minuscule pressure change in the atmosphere. It is August 15, and I've already had 8 migraines this month. So, I've not been a very happy camper to say the least.

Here are some verses that are encouraging to me right now:

Psalm 94:17-19, "Unless the LORD had given me help, I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death. When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your unfailing love, LORD, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy." (Thanks, John!)

II Corinthians 4:8-10,16-18 "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body."
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

Though I am not giving up, I am simply only able to take life minute by minute at the moment. I don't know how Jule will do in a new school. Will they also think he is autistic? Will they treat him kindly and lovingly? Will he be happy there? How many more times will we need to call 911 because he is struggling to breathe? I do believe Noly will LOVE her new school, and she will even get to ride the bus in the morning for all of 10 minutes :) Will my migraines slow down at all? The pain can be so unbearable. I can only take it minute by minute and fix my eyes on the fact that it won't be like this forever. There is most likely a work being done in me just like there was one being done in me when I went through so many miscarriages...though I could not see it then. I trust Him....with my life, with my children, with my love. If things could just slow down a little, I feel like I may be able to breathe!

Hello

No, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth...just feel like I have ;) We have had a very busy July/August, and I feel like there is barely time to catch my breath. We were able to go to Indiana for a week to see my family, and Noly stayed for an extra week to spend time with her grandparents and great-grandparents. Jule starts at a new school/daycare on Monday...hallelujah! The one he has been in for the past year has left me with a bad taste in my mouth. He has had many wonderful teachers, but the class he has been in since about February has been less than desirable. I am ready for him to go somewhere that he is not labeled and given up on. It has been very difficult for me to wait for the opening at this new place, but I am sure it will be worth it! Noly starts K5 on Tuesday, and I am very happy with her teacher! She will be so excited to go to "real" school :)

I know I need to update more and promise to once work slows down and life gets into a routine again. We appreciate your prayers for Jule as he enters a new place!

Recent Happenings

I'm very excited that we are going to see my parents soon! We really need a long vacation! My parents help so much with the kids, and it gives us such a needed break :) We have a lot of fun things planned, including spending as much time as we can with my grandparents. I'm so blessed that three of the four of them are still alive and are doing relatively well!

Saturday, Jule fell after coming up the stairs and really hurt his foot. He would not stand on it or walk without crying for two hours, so we decided he needed to go to the ER. Thankfully, he did not have any breaks or fractures. It swells up when he walks on it too much now, but he does not seem to be very bothered by it. I think it will feel back to normal in a few more days. Yesterday, Jule started running a fever, and today his breathing is not great. We are increasing his inhaler to twice a day to hopefully control the croup enough to keep him out of the ER. I feel so bad for him that he is sick so much. At least he won't remember it if he grows out of it soon!

I can't believe Noly starts real school in just a few weeks! She will be in all-day K5. She is so excited! We have all of the supplies she needs except for a new backpack and lunchbox. I want her to pick those out herself :) That's all I have for now...

Thirst

I have been thinking a lot lately about thirst. We have been in a drought and have finally been getting some rain here and there. The grass is so brown, the ground is so dry...and thirsty. I keep thinking about the woman at the well and how she was thirsty. She was probably physically thirsty, or she probably would not have been going to the well. She was also spiritually thirsty and had no idea.

It is so different when God pours down His presence into our circumstances. Even though the circumstances may not change, His saturation makes all the difference in the world. Just as our grass is beginning to turn green and come to life, His life brings true vitality to our hearts. Here are some verses that have been so encouraging to me:

Job 11:18a "You will be secure, because there is hope..." If I know that there is hope (and there is), then I can make it.

Isaiah 35:1 "The desert and the parched land will be glad; the wilderness will rejoice and blossom." 4a "Be strong, do not fear; your God will come..." 6b-7a "Water will gush forth in the wilderness and streams in the desert. The burning sand will become a pool, the thirsty ground bubbling springs..."

He is the refreshing stream that runs through our wilderness experiences, and He is our One Source of life...true life. For that, I am thankful.

A Better Day

I'm feeling a little better about things today. We took the kids to the mall last night and then to Chick-Fil-A to eat and play. It really helps me when we can get out of the house and do fun things. While we were at CFA, a woman came in with her 2.5-year-old twins. They were adorable, and Kevin and I watched from outside the play area and talked about how we could not have handled our kids if they would have been born at the same time :) Kevin went in to tell the kids to go down the slide instead of up and started talking to the woman. She told him she had several miscarriages, and they finally gave up and decided to do Invitro. She had the same fertility doctor we had for Noly and Payton. It was almost comical because Noly and the twins were actually conceived in the same room, just a few years apart and DEFINITELY in separate petrie dishes ;) I wonder how many children Noly will come across in her life that were conceived in the very same way/place? Very odd, but also very cool!

I was reading in John 4 today about the woman at the well. I find it interesting that this passage is about thirst, both physical and spiritual. This woman had been married many times, which could represent her search and "thirst" for something that was missing from her life. She was talking to Jesus about the Messiah coming, and I can only imagine her surprise when He tells her that He is the Messiah...the One she is talking to is the very One she is talking about! It was a life-changing day for her, and many believed in Christ as a result. How satisfying is a drink from the Fountain of Living Water!

Venting

I just need to vent a little bit. I'm miserable, and I feel like a terrible Mommy. It's not because of something I did, but because of something I missed out on...my baby boy's birthday bash :(

Saturday, we had a birthday party for Jule at Chick-Fil-A. It was just a few of our friends and their kids because Jule tends to get overwhelmed with too many kids, and he's scared to death of characters like Chuck E. Cheese. I came down with a stomach virus about 10 minutes before we had to leave. Kevin took the presents, party items and the kids, and I hoped that I would make it there a little while later. I just wasn't able to go, and it tore my heart out. I know Jule was oblivious, but I feel like I failed him. It probably isn't a big deal, but it feels like a big deal to me.

Also, my chiropractor had been helping a lot with my migraines, and my preventive was making my blood sugar drop frequently. So, the Neurologist told me I should go off of that particular preventive. Coming off of it was pure torture, but it has been out of my system for about 10 days now, and my sugar is doing much better. Unfortunately, my chiropractor had some schedule changes, and I was only able to see him about once a week. We have also had a lot of thunderstorms lately. All of this has sent me into a mass of migraines again. I'm so frustrated. We have a few other preventives to try, and I'm attempting to see the chiropractor every other day, but I'm so discouraged. I'm so tired of being in pain. I'm tired of trial-and-error meds that cause undesirable side effects. I just want to LIVE...you know, like a "normal" mommy!

I really detest migraines and wish nobody ever had to suffer from them :(

3 Years Ago Today

3 years ago today, I was at work...just like today.
3 years ago today, I was in labor at work...not like today.

We live about 15-20 minutes from the hospital, and I had been having contractions since I was 25 weeks pregnant with Jule. I remember being miserable all night and waking up the next morning pretty sure that these contractions were going to bring us our baby boy. I decided to get up and go to work early so that I would not have to sit in 45 minutes of traffic on the way to the hospital, and my work is just a few blocks from the hospital.

I worked some, but I kept heading for the bathroom because my stomach was so sick. Then, I called Kevin and told him I really felt like this was the real thing and that I needed to get to the hospital. So, he came to work and picked me up. Many of my coworkers gathered around me, but I was in such a haze that I don't exactly remember a lot. I was in a lot of pain! I was 35 weeks 6 days along, and Noly had been born at 35 weeks 3 days. When I got to L&D, I found out I was dilating; and since I was just under 36 weeks, they kept me to see if I would keep going or stall out. I continued to dilate, and we knew little Jule was on his way into the world.

I thought about the date as the day progressed. It would be neat to have a baby whose birthday was 7/7...certainly easier to remember! To my surprise, 7/7 barely left, and my baby boy was born...literally minutes into 7/8. He screamed and screamed. I don't think there was a minute that he was not crying. They made a call and had some specialists come look at him, then they had to take him to another room and help his breathing. Everything happened so quickly that I really didn't even have time to get upset about them taking him from me. I had assumed his breathing would be fine since he was born later than Noly. He was in the NICU for one week and then came home to meet his big sister who was not so fond of him. She kept saying, "Daddy hold it," "Mommy, put it down. It sleep." Poor Jule :)

It took me a couple of weeks to realize that Jule's birthday was 5 years to the day that I found out I was pregnant for the first time ever. It made me weep because I realized that God gave us Jule just minutes into a date that was very significant for me. In 2003, my joy turned into mourning. In 2008, God brought me great joy. Such a seemingly unimportant detail meant the world to me...and He knew it would!

Why "Jule"

Before Kevin was born, his parents had a baby boy who was born prematurely. He lived for only a few hours, and he was named after Kevin's Dad. I met Kevin online, and he told me the story before we had met in person. Once we decided to get married, we decided that we would name our son, Jule, if we ever had a son. Jule is named after his Grandpa, and he is also named after an Uncle he has never even met. I cannot believe our little Jule will be 3 in just a few days!

July 4th Memories

It was June of 2002 when we bought our first home. We were so excited, and we were able to throw our first 4th of July party with many friends. We talked, ate, shot off fireworks, someone got hot pepper juice in their eye...you know, the usual. I remember it well!

So, we did the same thing on July 4, 2003, which the exception of the hot pepper incident. Only this year, I felt really strange. I was tired and achey. Everyone decided to go see fireworks somewhere, but we stayed home. I was ready to sleep. The thought never even occurred to me that I could be pregnant. After all, I had spent nearly 9 years unable to conceive. Why would this time be any different? Much to my surprise, I found myself staring at two pink lines on a pregnancy test just four days later.

Today, as I thought about our weekend plans, I found myself thinking back to July 4, 2003. Strangely, I longed to feel our baby Hannah in my belly again...to feel sick, to feel tired, to feel that surreal feeling that what I had prayed for for so long had finally happened. She was with me for 11 weeks, but she never became part of the family that we take to the park or the beach. I celebrate the two children that God gave me to take care of; they make me laugh daily. But I do still miss our little Hannah sometimes and wonder who she would have been. With her, I experienced seeing my baby's heartbeat on an ultrasound screen for the very first time, I experienced strong aversions to cheese for the very first time, and I experienced many other "firsts" with her in my belly. I do treasure that time, and I find myself thinking about her every so often, especially every 4th of July.

Some day, when my kids are much older, I may even share with them about their sister on the 4th of July. Happy 4th, everyone!

Speech-less

Well, we are a speech-less family! I should explain. The Developmental Specialists are supposed to take a couple of months to have an opening for Jule, so I emailed his previous Speech Therapist to see if she could at least evaluate the speech portion of his "problems." Her name is Sarah. She got us right in, and we went bright and early Monday morning to see her. I really didn't know what she would say, and I dreaded the thought of getting up really early on Monday mornings again to take him to speech, but I was more than willing to do what Jule needed. He walked into the waiting room and played with the toys, and he didn't seem to remember where he was. He had not been there since the end of January or something like that. The minute he saw Sarah, he got all excited and took off for her office...without her! I loved how much he loved her and how excited he always was to see her. Several months made no exception! To our delight, Jule passed with flying colors. She said she is very comfortable with where he is at with his speech, and he has no need to go back! We celebrated the fact that he does not need help with his speech!

He has been changing so much in the past couple of months. With all of his breathing and croup issues, he has ALWAYS completely freaked out when they put the oxygen sensor on his finger. He also hated band aids with a passion. A few days ago, Noly needed a band aid, and Jule asked for one. I put it on his finger, and he did not mind one bit. It was so wonderful to see him take a step in the less-tactile-sensitive direction! He has been wheezing really bad for a few days, and he has been on a steroid inhaler once daily for over a month now. It has been helping, but I was not comfortable with the way his breathing sounded this morning. I took him to the doctor, and he was FINE when they tested his oxygen level. I told him it was a band aid, and he accepted it and was totally calm. Yay, Jule! And Yay, God, for doing such amazing things in this little boy. He is still very wheezy, which the doctor thinks is due to the high heat index, but he does not have croup and is happy.

I'm feeling better about his eventual Developmental appointment, though I'm not convinced that he will not need some Occupational Therapy. I have no idea. But it does my heart so much good to see him make strides verbally, emotionally and physically. He is still my wild at heart, strong-willed child, which I am so grateful for. I want him to have the character qualities he needs to become what God wants him to be. He may or may not have inherited his strong will from his Mommy ;)

At our church, we have crosses on the front walls. During an invitation time, anyone can go forward to write on a piece of paper and tack it to the cross. A few weeks ago, I felt like I was supposed to go and write a simple word on the paper...JULE...and place it on the cross. I had been living with such fear of what may be wrong with him, and I have to (sometimes daily) remember that he is God's and give him back to God. It was at the cross of Christ that a mother's heart broke as she watched "her" Son's torture, and it was at that VERY same cross that He won the victory for all of us. Truly, He is capable of handling my fears, my fragile mommy's heart, and each difficulty that we will encounter in this life.

Through Fire & Water to Abundance

I was reading Psalm 66 today and ran across a verse that stood out to me...verse 12b says, "...we went through fire and water, but You brought us to a place of abundance." I feel very much like there has been a lot of fire and water for awhile now, but I also have hope that God will bring us to a place of abundance. I feel like I am constantly watching Jule for signs that something is wrong or for signs that he is fine. I am testing what the teacher said about him when I see the opportunity arise.



Last week, he walked up to me in socks and sandals. This was completely abnormal for him because he always insists on wearing shoes and socks. I hate it for him because it is so hot here. Apparently, Kevin put his socks on and Jule asked for sandals over the socks. So, after a few days, I decided to take it a step further. Just before we walked out the door, I put his sandals on really quick without putting socks on. He got a little upset, but I distracted him with a toy and rushed out of the house. I'm happy to say that he has been wearing, and even asking for, sandals ever since! What a victory over shoes :)


The school seems to be having a huge problem with him with tactile sensitivity. They said he screams when he touches fingerpaint or glue until they remove it from his presence. I found a Father's Day shirt at Walmart that allows you to put your child's handprints on it, so I bought it for my dad knowing that it would be an opportunity for me to see his reaction to the paints. Not only did Jule put his handprints on the shirt, he came back to me over and over to put more paint on his hands. As you can see, the shirt is VERY decorated, and there wasn't even an ounce of screaming coming from Jule!

Right now, we are discussing where to send both kids to school. Noly can go to public school, and Jule can continue where he is or at another church daycare/preschool nearby. Another option is to send them both to a private school that is just opening up this year. It really makes me nervous because I do not know if Jule would be kicked out of the private school. They clearly state on their website that they do not offer services for children with special needs, and I do not know what the developmental specialists will say at this point. So, we are praying for direction on where to send each child. One thing that God spoke to me as I was driving this weekend is that, even if Jule is rejected (somewhere), God ALWAYS has a place for him. So true.

You Reign

Yet again, I am mentioning a 4 Him song :) We stopped in at Chick-Fil-A tonight to let the kids run off some energy; and as we walked back to our table, I heard 4 Him on the radio singing, "You Reign." Andy could really knock that one out of the park! I think I'm consistently brought back to that truth...He really does reign.

Earlier today, Noly and I were running some quick errands and "God, You Reign" by Lincoln Brewster came on. At the end, there are children saying, "God, You reign." Noly looked at me and said, "What does that mean?" I knew her mind was thinking of rain. I was explaining to her what that meant, and she seemed to at least grasp it partially. I explain it to her and I believe it, but there are so many times I don't live like I believe He reigns. I think that is one of the things He is trying to teach me in this season of life because that word keeps popping up all over. In truth, He is on the throne, but I don't often enough let Him sit on the throne and rule over my mind. This dizzy mind of mine is the domain of spiritual warfare...often!

I really, really worry too much and don't just trust often enough. I really, really try to control too much when I really just need to slide over and let God have the control. He made these two kids so completely and wonderfully how He wanted them to be made, and He gave them to me with the knowledge that I could raise them the way He wanted them to be raised if I would just partner with Him and learn from Him. Anything that I'm viewing as an imperfection is really still His perfect creation. If Jule is behind in his speech again, I need to remember that Moses stuttered. God had no problems using Moses when Moses chose to follow and obey. I will get all the help that Jule needs; and in the midst of it, I need to remember that God created him exactly the way he is for a reason. Yes, he is different by the world's standards, and it is a ton of work for Kevin and I; but God has a plan for him that may even spring forth through what seems less than perfect to us. Even if he has Autism, that does not negate the plan that God already has for Jule's life.

The end of "You Reign" goes...

"Everything You do always is perfect. There is none like You. Lord, You are worthy!"

AMEN!

I Cried Today

I don't have a lot of time or brainpower because of a double ear and sinus infection, but I don't want to forget what I felt today and why I had the feelings I did. Since Noly and I were both home sick, I decided to run to her school for K5 next year to get the packet to fill out. It's only about a mile away, so it was no big deal. She liked seeing her school (from the view of the front office) and is excited about K-5.

While she was napping, I started to fill out a ton of paperwork, and I came across a question that almost sent me into hysterics. I'm not upset because my baby is going to "real school" next year, but I was terribly upset when I read something that I may have to answer differently in the future..."has your child ever received speech or another type of early intervention therapy?" The answer to that one for Jule will already have to be yes because he has had speech therapy. It then went on to ask what kind of disability or special needs your child has and if they have an EIP, etc. I do know what EI means and EIP, not in depth, but I have a broad idea. It just breaks my heart and sickens me that I don't know what is going to happen with Jule. I don't know how I will be answering those questions in regard to them. There are easy answers with Noly, thankfully! And it's not that I look down on those with disabilities. I think it's all of the questions that are not answered at this point.

I sent in the enormous amount of paperwork Thursday, so I hope to have an appointment with the Development Specialists soon for an evaluation for Jule. I think it may be more about grieving the loss of a dream...kind of like every miscarriage was. But I don't even know what to grieve at this point because I don't know what the specialists are going to say. I don't want my little guy to be an outcast in school like they say he is because he screams when his personal space is invaded. He is surely a delight to us, and I so want other people to be able to delight in him too, not just be irritated.

I'm losing my thoughts quickly here. I hope some of this makes sense.

The Unsung Hero

This post is dedicated to the Unsung Hero...to Noly. God made her in such a way that she would provide much laughter and comic relief to our household. He made her laid-back and sensitive. He made her with captivating blue eyes that tell you of guilt before any physical evidence is discovered!

Though once a hater of dressing up in anything scratchy and Princess-like, she would one day become the Dress-Up Queen who surrounded herself with everything Princess. She would wear the most uncomfortable dress all day because it looked beautiful even if it made her skin crawl, though you never would have thought so based on the photo below!

When taken to Build-A-Bear, this little Hero would come up with a concoction that even made the girl behind the counter burst out in laughter. She would then "skate" her little creation named Princess all through the mall, pulling the attention of almost everyone walking by!

She would discover that tu-tu's are made for more than just beautiful skirts; they can also double as hair if you feel that your hair is not pink or fluffy enough! I guess if you had a brown tu-tu, you could dress up as a lion with only a moment's notice?

And if you were this little Unsung Hero named Noly, you would have the biggest heart to deal with a little brother who was difficult to get along with. Even though he screamed until you often ran away covering your ears, you would be back quickly to put your arm around him and offer him your protection and comfort.

I'm so thankful for this little girl!

My Son

20 minutes after birth, I still had not held my son. I watched as they did all of the weighing, the wiping off, etc. Then, they did something strange...they called someone on the phone. I knew it wasn't normal because they did not do that with Noly. I asked what was wrong and told them I wanted to hold my son. They told me I could only look at him and said he was "grunting" and may need a little help breathing. So, a week later, I got to take my baby home from the NICU with paperwork that documented Jule's medical problems...20 minutes after birth.

When Jule reached 4 weeks old, he began to scream for hours on end. I would feed him for an hour, burp him and change him for an hour, lay him down so we could sleep for an hour, and then start all over again. If I didn't burp him for an hour, he would spit up everywhere the minute I put him down. I soon learned something else was wrong with my son...reflux. We often went through 50 burpcloths a day, and he spent most of his time screaming. He was a beautiful baby, and I loved watching as his curly hair appeared; but my heart broke that something was wrong with him.

When he was 5 months old, he woke up with his first case of croup. He was retracting horribly & drooling, and I was so glad when the ambulance arrived. He was admitted to the hospital with a case of complicated croup. Once again, something was wrong with my child. Good thing I didn't know that this would happen over and over again!

Periodically, we would go through normal illnesses like any family does. Jule had 2 sets of tubes, his adenoids removed and continued to have reflux past the age that most babies stop having it. I took great delight in his beautiful ringlets and resisted cutting his hair even though many people thought he was a girl! Isn't that head of hair gorgeous!

Through all of the croup, the ear infections and resulting tubes, the frequent screaming, the speech therapy, I became a Mommy who would have to stand up and fight for the rights of my baby. So, when I went to the p/t conference, I really didn't expect to hear a NEW addition to something is wrong with my child. It has been so overwhelming, and it continues to be overwhelming...though I do have moments where God really ministers peace and strength to me. I know that I will continue to stand up for my child, to fight for his best interests...but I do not really know what that entails right now. I just pray that God gives me the strength I need to do what needs to be done when it needs to be done. Through it all, God still reigns and is still sovereign.

I know that he is a little sweetheart and I love watching him develop into the person that God has called him to be. I believe the strong-willed part of him will turn out to be one of his greatest strengths as he gets older. I'm praying for peace as we wait for possibly a couple of months to get his developmental assessment. Until then, I want to enjoy him and help him in any way I possibly can. With God's help...

When I Find Him

So much has been going on lately. Each of the kids had a tummy bug, then we went to Disney, then I had a meeting with Jule's teacher, then Jule had croup yet again, then Noly graduated from Preschool. I will get to most of these a little more in depth but will happily leave out details from the tummy bugs ;)

Jule got his tummy bug about 10 days after Noly, and it was the weekend before we were supposed to leave for Disney. Now, in the past, it usually takes about 4-5 days, then Kevin and I are sick. We were worried about getting to Disney and getting sick and not being able to care for the kids in a hotel room. BUT we decided not to live in fear, and off we went! We had a wonderful time and actually stayed out until 1 am one night! I was so glad we chose to go, and it was a happy time out of the house for both of the kids.

We got back on a Tuesday night, and I had a meeting with Jule's teacher and the Preschool's Director on Friday. I was nervous because I figured he would be one of the kids that was put in timeout a lot. Unfortunately, that was not the case. They told me how sweet he was and how beautiful his smile is, and I knew it was not going to be good. They listed off many things about him that they are concerned about. They did not know he could talk and were shocked to learn that he rattles off sentences non-stop at home. He also screams when touching fingerpaints or glue and screams when classmates get into his personal space. I knew by the words they were saying that they think he has some form of autism. This has been such a blow to my heart on many different levels that I cannot even get into on a blog. Our Pediatrician is setting up an appointment with the Developmental Specialists at the Hospital I work with. He does not think Jule has autism but may have some developmental delays from all of the sickness...just like he had some speech delays and needed speech therapy.

Kevin had been out of town and came in Friday night. I was so upset that I was barely able to tell him all that had been said. I told him the basics and went up to bed...exhausted. I was overloaded. I laid down, got comfortable, and then I heard IT....yes, IT...again. Jule woke up crying with croup. I picked him up and got him into the steamy bathroom. It helped the coughing, but the stridor was still pretty bad, so Kevin held him in front of the freezer. That helped enough that we felt his breathing was fine. He had some pretty noticeable stridor all night that night. We were so busy with his health that the weekend came and went, and I was a mess...chest pain, crying, so devastated.

Enter Noly's graduation today. She walked in with her class and stood in front of the auditorium. They sang several songs, and I saw her looking for us but could not catch her attention. There were just too many people. She looked sad but continued to sing. Then, the moment came that she saw us! Her whole face lit up, and she sang the rest of the songs all smiles and kept looking over at us. And it hit me...that is what happened to me Tuesday night. I was so overwhelmed. I put Jule to bed just after 7 because he was still sick. Kevin took Noly to Walmart so I could finally be alone, and I sat down with my Bible and began to read. The reading turned to weeping because God began speaking to me. I cried for awhile, read more, prayed, and I found a peace to walk through what lies ahead. And it's because I found Him. I looked through all of the "mess" around me, and I found the One Who can bring light to my eyes. Psalm 34:5 says, "They looked unto him, and were lightened: and their faces were not ashamed." Finding where my Father is in the crowd makes all the difference in the world. And while what lies ahead with this new hurdle is a very emotional roller coaster; if I have Him, I have everything I need.