A Birthday Without a Card

I am so sad. It's December, which usually means a lot of celebrating. However, this year December is bringing a lot of pain. My birthday is in a couple of weeks, and it will be the first year of my life that I will not be getting a Birthday card from my Grandma. It breaks my heart. She always found the card that said what she wanted it to say, and she would cross out and write in different words if it wasn't exactly what she wanted to say. She would also underline words in the pre-printed text that meant a lot to her. I'm not one to save cards, but I saved last years because she wrote such a special note in it. Last year, she wrote, "Happy Birthday, you have been such a Blessing and for all the Love and Joy you have given to us. God bless you." How that both rips my heart out and brings me such joy now. If there is anyone I look like, it's her. If it's anyone I act like, it's her.

I just cannot decorate for Christmas this year. I am doing a small tree and special small decorations just for the kids, but they aren't old enough to know that I would usually have a big tree and tons of decorations up by now. Christmas was Grandma's favorite day of the year. It was obvious she lived for it! She would make 5 different desserts, two different meats, several vegetables and whatever else necessary so that everyone there had something on the table that was their favorite. She greatly treasured her family, and it was especially obvious on this day. Just two weeks before she died, I sat with them at dinner while they ate and was coordinating with my Uncle over the phone when we would all be home for Christmas so that we could all be there together, and she just beamed. I didn't know those plans would never happen...nor did she.

When our first baby, Hannah, passed away, Grandma called me to tell me how sorry she was and had to hang up the phone because she was crying so much. It touched me at such a deep level. She had lost her first baby too. She understood, and she wept with me. I am so blessed and so grateful that God gave me someone who my heart was linked to and that I got to have her in my life for almost 37 years. I miss her. I love her. And I know she is having her greatest Christmas yet...she is celebrating Jesus' birth WITH Him. For now, I mourn and grieve, but I know time will bring a certain healing. One day, hopefully many years from now, we will celebrate together again in the presence of the One we celebrate during this season.