Labor

I played keys for a retreat our church was having Friday night, and I found myself in tears again. God began showing me that it will not always be like this, and that He has a ministry for me to do. He is going to bring healing to our household. I don't know when it will happen, but He began filling me with a hope for our future, a hope of a more "normal" life. We sang "Your Love Never Fails," "Our God," and "We Still Believe." Some of the phrases that stuck with me were "there may be pain in the night, but joy comes with the morning," "our God is healer, awesome in power," and "though the journey has been hard...Your faithfulness is our reward."

Sometimes, I go back and read my journal to help me remember things that God has been speaking to my heart. It's very easy to forget with the busy buzz of life. I went back to a year ago and read that God had been speaking to me about entering into a time of rest. He was also speaking to me about all of this pain and turmoil being a time of "labor" that will give birth to a ministry. I had completely forgotten about all of this. 2011 has been anything but a time of rest for me. It has been very hard, very trying. It gets to the point where it feels like this is how it will be forever. But God is renewing in me that word..."rest." I believe He is going to bring us a time of health, rest and renewal.

I am praying about what God wants to come out of this time of being at home. Does He want me to move away from Accounting and towards a Ministry? Should I use the time at home to study for and get my CPA license? That would really help me land a good job when it's time to go back to work. However, it would be worthless if God is calling me into a ministry. Definitely, I will be able to spend more time with the kids, and I won't have to use so much of my time trying to prepare for the next work/school day. But my heart really yearns to know what God desires during this time. I don't feel like this is a light decision, and I also feel like it is a life-changing decision. How wonderful life could be when we are not constantly sick and going to doctor appointments! I don't know if my mind can even wrap around what a more normal life is like.

I'm embarking on something I never thought I would do. If I think about it very much, my stomach starts to turn and flip because it is still terrifying to me in some ways. I have to bring my mind back to the truth that God will provide all we need, that He has a plan for our lives, and that we are walking in a direction that He has made vivid and clear to us and that He will continue to guide us as we seek Him.