No Doubt About Love

So....hi!  I don't post on this blog very often right now because migraines are pretty much my focus right now, and I have started a blog journaling my migraines and how different meds affect me.  I also don't have a ton of deep thoughts with all of the pain.  The other blog is at adayinthelifeofamigraine.blogspot.com if anyone wants to read there.  This is the blog where I will most likely put deeper thoughts when I'm able.

Tonight, I was thinking about all that is going on with chronic pain, the kids, insurance, disability, healing, etc. I was thinking about what exactly it is that is important to me about the kids.  We played a Bingo game that is REALLY old tonight.  I brought it back from my grandparents' house, and I used to play it when I was little.  I think it was pretty old even then.  Of course, my ultimate desire for my kids is that they love God and follow after Him.  But in regards to me and what they think of me, I want them to know that they love them.  I might miss their school play due to pain, but I love them.  I may be unable to do fun things with them sometimes, but I love them.  I may not be able to do the fun things or be out in the sun like most other parents, but I love them.  And I think that, if they know I love them, the other things won't matter as much.  It may still hurt their feelings at times, and it also breaks my heart to miss things.  If they know I love them, they can have confidence in that.

I think that very much applies to God.  He wants us to know He loves us.  So much that He gave up His only Son FOR us...for Love.  I may have weeping, pain, and sorrow; but I do truly know that God loves me.  I trust the love He has for me in my relationship with Him.  All kinds of difficult things can happen in this world, but His love for us can sustain us.  In the world, we will have trials and troubles, but He has overcome the world.  The One Who loves us has overcome the world.  I'm so thankful that He sent His Holy Spirit, the Comforter, to us.  There's no doubt about His love.

Botox #2

I got my second set of Botox injections on Wednesday.  It wasn't fun, but either it is already helping or I'm just doing better because it's not raining.  I will take either one right now because I had not had a break from the pain.  Yesterday, I did not need any Imitrex at all.  Today, I'm on the verge, so I'm not sure if I'll end up needing it.  I have been able to get out of bed and take the kids out a little, but I'm still taking it easy.

Lots of Tears

I have been shedding many, many tears lately.  The Botox completely wore off a couple of weeks ago, and I'm in pain almost daily.  The pain is severe usually and does not respond much to my Imitrex.  I am having many heart issues because of the Imitrex, and I don't know if they are dangerous or just feel horrible.  My stomach is also not happy that I have to take so much pain medicine, and it has been feeling so painful that I can't stand up straight sometimes.  It feels like the medication to help my pain is slowly killing me.  I have tried many other meds, and none of them work at all.  I finally broke down and talked to Kevin last night, through many tears, about what he would do with the kids if this takes my life.  Thankfully, he told me he would move with the kids to be with my family so they could help him with them and he could work and be with them.  My parents are only in their 50's, so they are still very able to care for the kids. My prayer is that God allows me to live so that I can be their Mommy.  I'm down to about 92 lbs, which is definitely too low again, but there is really nothing I can do about it.

I called both BCBS and the Neurologist today.  BCBS told me it takes them 2 weeks to look at the paperwork they asked the Neuro for and decide whether to approve it or not.  Then, the Neuro can only order the Botox after it is approved, which takes another 5 business days.  So, I'm looking at 3 weeks or more before I can get it, and I was supposed to get it in 2 days.  We even told the Neuro we would just pay the $1,800 out of pocket just so my pain would lessen.  They will not let us for some reason.  I'm stuck...in pain...sick from meds...racing heart...torn up stomach.  I'm miserable.  I even told the Neuro's nurse about what is going on with my body, and she told me she would call me back after lunch and never did.  I even told her it feels like I'm dying.  My heart is not right.  My dad had a heart attack at 37, and I'm now 37.  I don't know if my heart is strong enough genetically to handle this much Imitrex (over 20 a month).

When I got on FB this morning, this was my Pastor's Status: "Give us gladness in proportion to our former misery! Replace the evil years with good. (Psalm 90:15 NLT)//Prayer for someone"

God really spoke to my heart, and I wept as I read that.  I pray for a restoration of these years.  I pray for gladness to replace the memory.  I told my mom tonight that I would rather live every day in pain and be with my children than to die and not be with them.  I won't give in because of my pain.  It's hard, but I'm fighting for life...in more ways than one.

House

"House" really impacted me last night.  I was almost in tears.  Wilson has chosen not to do chemo to give himself more time to live because he didn't want the remainder of his life to be lived in suffering.  House made some kind of statement about living in pain every day.  I about lost it right there.  I do live with pain.  Someone else made a comment about why we choose to live with pain.  We live through it for those we love.  THAT is what I do.  I focus daily on the little ones God has given me, and I keep moving forward.  As the Botox wears off, I am on the couch or in bed most of the time right now.  I do my best to do fun things with Jule when I have a good day, and I'm glad he won't remember these times much.  I hope my life impacts them to live a life for God.  No matter what comes at them, I pray they choose to live for Him.  Even in pain, I pray they choose Life...The Way, The Truth & The Life.

Hello, Old Friend

Thursday night, I heard a familiar sound coming from Jule's room.  I thought, "Here we go."  I was so excited to find that we had not seen our friend, Croup, in 8 months!  I was also pleasantly surprised that Jule had a very mild case.  His breathing wasn't compromised, he wasn't dry heaving or vomiting, he wasn't overly upset, and we definitely did not need an ambulance or the ER.  He just kept looking at me like, "What is going on?"  He seemed more confused than anything.  I told him he had croup, and the steam would help him feel better.  He did not sound great through the night but also did not sound compromised at all.  He got worse on Friday after his nap and needed some oral steroids, but even that was not too bad.

I'm very thankful that he has been doing much better!  He also potty trained recently without a lot of effort.  He's had just a few accidents but pretty much took to it right away!

Disney and Neurologist

We had a great time in Disney!  Noly lost one tooth the night before Easter then pulled out the second one at a hotel near Disney.  Tinkerbell brought her a special little gift for that ;)  Both kids had a wonderful time, and I only had 3 total days with migraines.  Only one of those days knocked me down for several hours.  The others were more tolerable.

I went to the Neurologist yesterday for my follow-up, and I told him I have overall had a ton of migraines since the shots.  However, in the past two weeks, things have been improving.  It is like a light switch.  He said he has seen the shots take 5-6 weeks to kick in fully before.  He is setting me up for my second set of injections in the beginning of June.  In the past two weeks, I have had only 4 days where I've had to take Imitrex.  That is a drastic improvement.  I am praying it continues.  It completely broke my heart when Noly told me a wish she made in Disney...that Mommy's head and tummy would not hurt anymore.  I wish she didn't know they hurt.  I do pray that her wishes come true :)  Such a sweetheart, and I want to one day tell her fully how GOD brought me relief from my pain and sickness.

Psalm 71:19-21

"Your righteousness, O God, reaches to the highest heavens.

You have done such wonderful things.

Who can compare with you, O God?

²⁰

You have allowed me to suffer much hardship,

but you will restore me to life again

and lift me up from the depths of the earth.

²¹

You will restore me to even greater honor

and comfort me once again."

This passage was part of my daily reading today, and it really spoke to me. Part of our worship set for this weekend is "Love Came Down" by Brian Johnson, and the Prechorus says, "I remind myself of all that You've done, and the life I have because of Your Son." I was thinking about what a difference it makes going through all of these hardships when I have God to rely on. When my son is lying sick in a hospital bed, God is my comfort. When my head is pounding, and it feels like there is no relief in sight, God is my refuge. When I view my circumstances in light of eternity, God gives me hope. I can't imagine what it would be like to go through all of this alone...without Him constantly there by my side...without being aware of His presence regardless of my feelings at the time. Even when something inside of me freaks out, I still know He is there and has us in His hands. I have seen His mercy, favor and provision multiple times and know I will continue to see them in the future. Sometimes, it's as simple as just looking for them.

Jule has been doing well. Almost every day, he says that his tummy hurts, but he is not crying at all about it. I think it's just something he says now as a reaction. It will be obvious if he has pain from Intussusception. I'm very encouraged that we have not been in the ER in a couple of weeks. That doesn't mean it won't happen ever again, but at least we are not constantly running to the ER. He is such a delightful little boy, and I hate seeing him in pain.

Noly is doing great in school. She's in kindergarten and is reading way beyond her grade level! She definitely shows an artistic side, and even her teachers have noted it on her report cards. She has her first two loose teeth, and they seem to really be hanging onto her gums. They've been loose for 2-3 weeks now.

The Doctors have finally found a good med combination for Kevin's narcolepsy and ADD. It helps a lot when he is driving long hours for me to know that he is not likely to fall asleep. It is very scary to have someone who falls asleep tying their shoes drive for a living! I think he is feeling much more like he is present in life too now that he is awake and alert.

I have had 3 days with no Imitrex (hardcore migraine meds). I have had a couple of slight migraines that a lower-dose, easier-on-the-system med has handled. It is supposed to rain tonight, but I am hoping that I can get through it without intense pain. I'm still up in the air about whether or not the Botox helped or not. BUT we have until June to really see and can decide whether or not to do the second set of injections. This week, I was able to purchase a ticket for an online performance by Edwin McCain on StageIt.com. It was awesome! It's like your own personal concert in your own home. It lasted about an hour and made a slight migraine go away. His music really speaks to me, and I'm really excited that he will be doing it again in April. I pretty much live and breathe music, and I either really like bands/artists or really dislike them :) We will be going to Disney soon and will be able to spend about 6 days there this time. Since Noly was born, we have had to do quick trips because I have had very limited time off of work with all of the kids' and my sickness. So, it is very exciting! We'll only spend 2-3 days at the Parks, but we really need the down time as a family to just be and play together. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

Short Updates

Jule has been doing well since his last ER visit. We continue to watch him when he says his tummy hurts, but he has not had any pain that made him cry since that Sunday night. Praise God!

I am, however, not doing well at all. I have had 43 migraines in February and March alone, and I've taken 37 doses of Imitrex. Insurance only wants you to take 9 each month. I'm having some major problems with Serotonin overload, but the Neurologist told me to try Benadryl for that, and it has helped. The pain has been overwhelming, but I'm doing what I can when I can to have fun and to make sure Jule gets out and has fun. I'm praying for relief. We are planning to go to Disney in the future, and we will be there for almost a week to hopefully have a couple of days when we can go to the Parks. I want the kids to have a fun vacation, and I want to be able to enjoy being there with them. Disney will only be mind-blowing to them for such a short time in their lives, and I love to watch them experience it! I hope this is making sense :) I'm still praying God will take the pain away without meds, but if it takes meds, that's ok with me too.

Relapse

Last night, Jule began screaming in pain again. He had been saying his tummy hurt all day, but he had not cried at all about it. The screaming started very abruptly. So, off to the ER we went...again. Kevin was prepping for a colonoscopy screening, so I knew I had to take him down there alone. It was a struggle for me because the stress of seeing him hurt triggers a pretty quick migraine for me.

Kevin's sister was able to come down and meet me, but Jule and I did ok together. The intussusception corrected on its own again, which is good. The problem is that it recurred. This means it could happen over and over and over again. We are praying that it does not. I hate seeing him in so much pain. It feels like we got over the croup hurdle only to have another, even more serious, medical issue. This one has no known cause, and the solution depends on each occurrence.

As I was sitting in church Sunday, I felt so dead and so beat down. I sang the songs and listened to the sermon, but I felt so blank. I did not know how to keep doing this. I remember God speaking to my heart just a little over a year before Jule was born, "It won't be easy, but I will bring him to you." It's not easy, but I love that God brought him to us. I realized I can prepare for different scenarios. For now, my purse is his diaper bag, and I will have changes of clothes in the car in case he is unexpectedly admitted again. BUT, my preparation could easily be a replacement of reliance and trust in God. It's ok to prepare as long as my trust is not in the preparation. It's all in God's hands...the One Who created this sweet little guy's intestines in the first place. I feel very inadequate due to my physical limitations, but God is so faithful to provide what we need when we need it. Please say a prayer for our little Jule...that we will see no more incidents and that he will be free from the pain of intussusception.

Intussusception

Jule was doing well on Saturday and Sunday and most of Monday, and everything went downhill when we went to the bus stop. We stood waiting for the bus...about 2 blocks from our house...and he started screaming that his tummy hurt and that he couldn't walk. Thankfully, Noly's bus arrived on time, and I carried him as far as I could to the house. He had to walk part of the way because I can't physically carry 40 lbs, being under 100 lbs myself, for very long.

Once we got home, he would cry and scream for 10 minutes, then be calm for 10 minutes. I would take him to the bathroom because he was kind-of gagging, and he would cry and scream then collapse asleep in my arms. I would then put him on the couch and let him sleep until it started again. Kevin had just driven 3 hours away earlier in the day, so I was alone with the kids. Jule was very clammy and pale but no fever. After about two hours, he vomited a lot. At that point, I was thinking maybe it was stomach cramps and a tummy bug because he became happy after that. So, while I was stressed out, I wasn't overly worried about him. Then, as time went on, he started moaning and crying more, only gagging and vomiting a little. I told Kevin I needed him to come back home because I couldn't do it alone. I had a migraine, Jule was hurting, and Noly is phobic of vomit. As Kevin was driving in, I felt very uneasy in my spirit. I felt like something just was not right, that it may not be a tummy bug. The minute he walked in, I told him I felt Jule needed to go to the ER just to be sure this was only a bug. He looked at me a little confused but quickly agreed when I went over our evening.

I thought they would come back home because I was just overreacting, but I found out around 2:30 am that Jule had Intussusception. It's like your intestines folding inside each other like a telescope...kind-of like a blockage. When it occurs low in the intestines, an air enema can be used to blow it back into place. Jule's was seen on ultrasound, and it was too high. So, he had to be admitted for observation. They said he would need surgery if it did not correct itself. I think he was in a room by around 5 am, and they did another ultrasound at 9 am. By then, it had corrected! We were very happy! He had to stay one more day because he would not drink to hydrate himself, but he was doing much better by Wednesday. He has been his crazy little self ever since. His case was caused by swollen lymph nodes in his abdomen either from a virus or even from his recent ear infection. It may or may not reoccur, which makes me a little uneasy right now. However, all I can do is pray for discernment if it does happen again and pray that it doesn't happen!

Today, I have been falling apart more emotionally because I had to put on a strong face for both kids. I put in my faithful 4 Him cds and found so much comfort once again in the words blasting out through my car radio. Our God is faithful. God protected Jule and I believe directed my heart to send him to the ER. He keeps our sweet little ones in ways we cannot even see. The only way I'll ever be a successful parent is by relying on Him. As I sat by Jule's hospital bed for a 3rd time in his 3 years of life, I read aloud Psalm 91 over my baby:

He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.

Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence.

He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.

Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day;

Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday.

A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand; but it shall not come nigh thee.

Only with thine eyes shalt thou behold and see the reward of the wicked.

Because thou hast made the LORD, which is my refuge, even the most High, thy habitation;

There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling.

For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.

They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.

Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder: the young lion and the dragon shalt thou trample under feet.

Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name.

He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him.

With long life will I satisfy him, and shew him my salvation.

Ouch!

Today was Botox...ouch! The injections did hurt, and there were somewhere around 30 of them. I am still in pain at all the little injection sites, but it is not unbearable...just uncomfortable. I guess that this is heaven compared to some of the side effects I've had from the preventive pills :)

I was utterly exhausted today from waking at 2:30 with a migraine, then getting up with both kids before the alarm even went off for school, then taking more migraine meds, getting ready, getting Botox, etc. I knew Kev would be in by 6, and I was counting down the minutes. It was about 4:45, and Jule started acting really odd. He hadn't eaten lunch and had said his tummy hurt. All of a sudden, he was laying on the couch in a ball wailing that his tummy hurt. I took him to the bathroom thinking maybe he had a bug and realized he would not walk or stand up straight. I took him to the livingroom to watch cartoons, and he just fell to the floor in a fetal position. Kev and I were both very concerned about his appendix, so Kevin ran him in to a Doc in a Box. Poor boy...they discovered that his ears are worse after 9 days of antibiotics. Also, his white blood cell count is up even though he's on antibiotics. He was also crying when the doc pressed on his abdomen, so she was going to send him for an ultrasound at the ER. I talked to our Pediatrician, and he called the doc. We made a decision to wait and see how he did before taking him to the ER. The Ped said stress and being upset can raise a child's white blood cell count. Both the Ped and the Doc thought maybe constipation or pain from the antibiotic.

He is home and acting normal again. I am so, so thankful to God for a Pediatrician we trust and who cares about us and also loves God! Jule brought us much closer to our Ped through our numerous visits, and God has truly blessed our socks off. All of this has made me NEED SLEEP! So, I am going to try to get some good sleep tonight. Glad my baby seems to be ok for now and glad my side effects are tolerable!

Botox

I go in on Friday for my Botox injections. I have read up very little on them because I don't want to scare myself, but it looks like about 31 injections to the head and neck areas. I'm really praying this works for me and is the miracle the Neurologist keeps saying it is!

Noly is home with a cold and maybe/maybe no low fever. It is hard to tell with ear thermometers, so I finally replaced it today. We ALL took a good, long nap, which made me a very happy mommy! Even Jule joined in on the festivities and is much happier boy now :)

A Choice?

While going through my first 7 miscarriages from 2003 to 2005, I dealt with a lot of anger at God. I was angry that my babies were dying, and it left me questioning how a good God could allow so much bad to happen to me. Through it all, I came to a place where I was no longer angry with Him and knew He loved me. I came to the conclusion that both good and bad happen to both good and bad people. I came to a place where I realized that God did not love me any less than other women who do not lose a single baby.

After having some excruciating migraines this week, I didn't feel angry at God. It did, however, raise some questions in me that will probably never have an answer while I'm on this earth. I know I'm God's child and that He loves me. The overwhelming sense of love became so clear when I had my own children and felt a love for them that I had never felt for anyone before. Jule, in particular, has gone through so much physical pain, and I know that I would completely remove it if it were in my power. It IS in God's power to remove these migraines from me, so is He making the choice not to? Jesus chose to suffer and die for the sins of the world; and in the Bible, many sick came to Jesus and He had great compassion and healed them. I'm not really sure why He isn't healing me or why I'm having to suffer for so long. I do not doubt that He will bring about His glory through this, and I know that all will be clear in eternity. It's just something I'm wondering, and I'm asking him DAILY to take the pain away, just like I prayed DAILY for a son for so many years. I'm not angry, but I am utterly exhausted (though not really stressed out anymore) and I'm hoping this season does not last much longer.

One More Preventive Down the Drain

I haven't posted much because I've been in a lot of pain most of the time still. I tried Lyrica, and it turned out to be horrible for me. One dose was all I needed to know I did not want to try it ever again. I bought some herbal pills to try (Magnesium), but I don't want to try them until I have a break from the side effects of the Lyrica.

Jule had some lip problems this past week. Monday, he was running through the tile kitchen and fell on his face. He hit his upper lip and had a cut with quite a bit of swelling. He was ok in general, but he would not eat the rest of the night, even his favorite foods. By Tuesday morning, he was back to eating normally. Then, unfortunately, Tuesday night, he had another lip injury. A 9-year-old knocked him over with the door at the Chick-Fil-A play area. His bottom lip must have taken most of the impact because he bit right through his bottom lip. I think I was more traumatized than he was, but I know it hurt. He screamed for quite awhile, and it took a lot to get it to stop bleeding, but it did not need stitches. AND he was already eating by the time we got home. I don't understand the difference.

We are so pleased that he has gone 5 months with absolutely no croup! God truly blessed us overflowing with wisdom when we asked! It is so nice to be able to relax more when he gets a cold. He has been much healthier overall since we took him out of daycare.

Noly is loving school and is already reading and writing at a first grade level! I'm so glad she enjoys learning. She is sweet and is already starting to show the attitude of a 16-year-old sometimes...something I don't like that she is learning at school. It's ok though...we are working on it.

My Grandpa has been in the hospital almost non-stop since my Grandma died. Some of it is strokes, some kidney stones, some a fractured back...multiple reasons. But, recently, the hospital told him he cannot live at home alone any longer. He will have to go to an assisted living facility once he is healthy enough to leave the hospital. It has been tearing me apart because that means the Bank will be taking their home. They did a reverse mortgage maybe about 10 years ago, so he will have 2 months to get everything out once he is officially declared to be unable to live alone. He BUILT that house with his own hands about 50 years ago. It's the only house I've ever known them to live in. It holds so many memories. They've even had the same phone number my whole life. It's very painful, but I know it's just something I need to work through. We will have to go in a couple of months to get the items we would like before they do an estate sale. That will be hard, but I'm thankful that we get the chance to have some of their things that hold sweet memories. We even lived in their finished basement during some times when we had a house built, remodeled, etc...so my family even lived there briefly too.

Please pray that the Insurance will approve the Botox soon so I can live again. I really enjoyed the week I had home with only one migraine. It was awesome! I would love to experience that again!

Plagues

Please bear with me if this is random or odd because my head is still killing me...

I have been reading through the Bible through youversion.com, and I have been reading about the plagues God brought on Egypt that caused them to let His people leave their lives of slavery. For several of the plagues, the Bible mentions that God kept the plagues from touching the Israelites. I noticed that the last plague was different. The Passover required them to obey God in order to be spared from the plague...from the death of their firstborn. I wonder why it was that they were automatically spared during the earlier plagues but not for the last one. I noticed that there are a lot of times that God requires obedience while they are wandering in the wilderness...like not gathering too much manna. I think obedience to Him is huge, and I try to keep that in mind when I feel like a mean mommy when disciplining my kids.

That's all my brain can tolerate right now. We are still waiting for Botox approval, and my migraines are at least 6 days a week. Some days, I'm not in pain the whole day, and those are the times we try to get out and have some fun. The past two nights, they have hit around 10 pm because our weather is going from really nice during the day to very cold at night. My head just can't take the pressure changes.

I'm so thankful that I'm able to be home. Jule is hilarious, and I enjoy having more relaxing evenings with Noly rather than trying to hurry through everything just to get ready for the next workday. Tonight, I had our tv on in our room while I was downstairs getting ready to go up for bed. I heard Jule singing and moving around and could not see him on his monitor, so I knew he was toward the foot of his bed. I came upstairs and closed our bedroom doors so that he would not see any light. I had no idea he could actually see the tv from his bed, but it sounded like he could. When I shut the door, I heard, "Oh man, the door is closed!" And he promptly went to sleep :)

I Am Here

That about sums it up at the moment...I am here. I am alive. I have moments when I feel very much alive, and I have a TON of moments when I am in so much pain. My migraines have become a daily occurrence now. I have even doubled the dosage on my preventive, but to no avail. Now, I am getting some pretty bad side effects on top of the migraines. I cannot keep my blood sugar up. I found myself devouring almost an entire bag of cotton candy on Saturday within minutes and probably could have continued eating it until I was sick. That is not normal for me. I was able to function after that much sugar, and this was after a full well-balanced meal.

Sunday, I went to church to play after having been up at 3 am with a migraine. My right eye was swollen and very bloodshot from all of the pressure, and I was feeling very off. I made it through rehearsal and through the first service, but I had to go home after the first service after nearly vomiting on stage during the last set. Apparently, all of the migraine meds and the amount of sugar I had consumed led into another bout with serotonin syndrome. I feel like I can't win medication-wise. I have a call into my Neuro to see where to go from here and to see where my Botox request stands with the insurance company.

I am pretty miserable, but I'm so thankful that I get to be home and don't have the stress of working every day. Jule has been a doll, and I love the time I'm getting with him. When I'm feeling good, we go to parks and have as much fun as we can. When I'm feeling bad, we do puzzles and watch cartoons. Noly is doing great at school and loves riding the bus home every day. I have tried to make our evenings fun and creative because I feel like it keeps her busier so she won't miss Kevin as much.

All in all, migraines are bad, but God is still good.

A Reunion

Imagine that your children are away from you doing something. When they return, there is a child missing, and all that remains of your child is his/her torn clothing. You are told that your child is dead. How tormenting that would be...how gut-wrenching! Imagine that years go by and that you ache to hold your child again...to see your child's face again. Imagine what it could be like to find out many, many years later that your child is very much alive, and imagine what the embrace would be like when you see that child's face again! Jacob experienced this.

I have been reading this week about the story of Joseph. Of course, I have grown up hearing about how Joseph's brothers sold him into slavery and told their father that he was dead. I remember hearing about what amazing things God did in Joseph's life despite the betrayal of his brothers. I don't think I had ever thought about it from a parent's perspective, and as I read about Jacob and Joseph seeing each other for the first time, I was so blown away. I cannot imagine the emotion that must have surrounded that event. It is something that I would love to have witnessed.

The belief was that Joseph was dead. The truth was that Joseph was alive. Sometimes, our belief is that something within us has died...maybe a dream, maybe the ability to open up and love...it could be anything. The truth is that our God, Who raised Lazarus from the dead, can bring to life whatever seems to us to be dead. In all reality, it is living beneath the surface. He is fashioning it, pruning it, doing amazing things with it...all while we don't even believe in the possibility of the existence of life anymore. God did such extraordinary things through the life of a son that Jacob thought did not even walk the face of the earth anymore. And though all we may see is death, God is breathing life. I pray that God makes us aware of the reality that there is truly life where we have believed there is death. And when we reunite with the truth of life, may it be life-changing.

If You Knew Me

if you knew me...you would know that my heart hurts almost as much as my head

if you knew me...you would know that i hate watching others live normal lives

if you knew me...you would know that i would rather not be laying on the couch

if you knew me...you would know i would much rather be on the floor playing

if you knew me...you would know that i am so tired of being in pain

if you knew me...you would know that i am terrified to take my kids to the zoo alone

if you knew me...you would know that i want to do and be so much more

if you knew me...you would know that most days i cannot even walk out the door

if you knew me...you would know that i have a migraine right now

if you knew me...you would know that i strongly believe in the one who can cure

if you knew me...you would be my friend even though the pain can make me unreliable

if you knew me...you would know i would do almost anything to be able to be there for u

my heart hurts tonight because the pain is just so frequent and all consuming. i feel so alone so often. i struggle to do the simplest tasks that most do easily. i do not live in my own strength because it is not something i have a lot of. i live on the manna he provides. i live...i survive...hoping for what i do not see...praying for what does not yet exist...clinging to the knowledge that he does see and hear and care. i do weep...but i also rejoice in the fellowship of his suffering.

Feeling Alive!

Sorry this post looks weird, but I can't figure out a way to change it.

I guess that's always a good thing, right? To feel alive? As it turns out, quitting my job has brought me so much joy, so much peace, so much thankfulness to God. I've been an organizing and cleaning maniac but almost have everything caught up to where I want it. I have enjoyed cuddling and playing with Jule during the day. I did not know it was possible, but he is even more attached to me now than he was. Tomorrow is the first time Noly will not be attending the aftercare program at school. She went last week since there was only school 3 days anyway, and it allowed me to adjust to being home. I'm not sure what she thinks of me being home, but I think she will love it when she is not at school.

I was reading Jeremiah 31 tonight, and verse 28 really stuck out..."And it shall come to pass, that like as I have watched over them, to pluck up, and to break down, and to throw down, and to destroy, and to afflict; so will I watch over them, to build, and to plant, saith the LORD." The years we are coming out of have been very difficult. It literally felt like I was being torn down and pulled apart. It was not fun, and it did not make me happy. But I'm sure that God was doing a work. He was removing what needed to be absent so that He could build and plant the design He has for our lives. I made up a quote tonight that just felt so right..."Only God's hand can create the masterpiece that only His eyes can see. Trust Him to make you more beautiful that you can imagine!" I realized that I cannot even begin to see or envision the design and layout He has for my life. So, HE is the only one that can make the beautiful masterpiece that He has all planned out. His thoughts are so much higher, and I'm excited to see what He is going to do!

Staying Home

So far, being home with Jule has been wonderful! Just removing the pressure of me having to try to be at work every day has made such a difference in my stress level! Jule keeps saying, "I no want to go to school." I tell him he doesn't have to anymore, but I'm not sure he quite gets it yet. Noly will love being home with us on the days she doesn't have school.

I spent a good amount of time cleaning the front porch and giving the shutters a fresh coat of paint. I still need to paint the pillars on the front porch, but I'll save that for when Kevin is in town and can keep Jule occupied. That was quite challenging. So far this morning, we are still in our jammies, and it feels wonderful!

Reflections

Yesterday, I worked my last day as an employee for the State (at least for now). It felt really good and also really strange as I pulled away from the building that I have been reporting to for approximately the past 8 years. At the moment, I am still on the payroll on an on-call basis because they need my help to prepare some documents for this year's arrival of the Auditors. That feels good because I can earn a little money here and there when I am available, but I don't have the pressure of reporting to work every day. I am guessing they may need to call me from time to time until February, then my replacement will probably be able to take over completely. Her start date is set for 1/18.

I have been feeling like a failure because I feel like I can't hold down a job. And though we are fine financially, I feel like I am letting my kids down because we have less money than we did. Something that has really helped me was taking inventory of what I have been going through in the 8 years that I have been with the State:

I had 3 miscarriages before working there and had 5 while working.

I went through apx. 15 months of fertility treatments while there.

I had two high-risk pregnancies and two preemie births while there.

I had a baby boy in the NICU.

In one year alone, I think 2010, we had 8 separate tummy bugs.

Jule had 20+ croup occurrences, 5 requiring an ambulance and 1 requiring hospitalization.

We had at least 5 RSV illnesses between the two kids.

Jule had 5 surgeries (I think).

Noly had two sets of tubes.

I had 2 Preschools almost kick Jule out and had to have two separate evaluations to find out if he was special needs.

My migraines soared from 2 a month to as high as 26 a month at times.

I tried around 8 different preventives, most with bad side effects.

My husband was diagnosed with sleep apnea and also narcolepsy.

My husband was also recently diagnosed with ADD.

There has been so much stress, and I have tried so hard to juggle everything and do a good job. I do feel like my best was enough, but I feel like I don't have the strength to keep juggling. And when I reflect on all that has happened, I can understand why it is very necessary for me to take a break from working. Yes, it will help decrease Jule's exposure to viruses, but it will also give me some much-needed down-time. Today felt really good. I sorted all of my coupons and headed to three different stores to get some good deals. I cleaned my car, inside and out. I scrubbed the posts on our front porch. I could literally feel the freedom that I have now. The kids were pretty bad this afternoon, so it left me a little anxious about being home with them all the time, but I know there will be good and bad days just like any other family has. I also know God has equipped me to do it.

I don't think it will be long before I feel an utter peace about being home. I look forward to the new that God has in store for 2012!

Hello, 2012

We are 3 days into 2012. So far, it has been uneventful. We brought in the new year by sleeping through the fireworks going off in our subdivision :)

This week is a four-day work week, then I will not be employed any longer until God leads us toward me working again. I am feeling very relieved because it feels like rest is coming. I'm also a little worried because of the loss of income and benefits (other than health) that come with working. I'm sure I will have to get used to a new normal just like I did when each of the kids was born. Since I will have a little more time on my hands, I am hoping to read through the Bible in a year. I'm using youversion and like it so far.

We have all had colds with no sign of croup from Jule. It makes me smile every time I think about the possibility that we have said goodbye to croup forever. Overall, the past few months have shown a healthier streak for the kids. It is wonderful to not spend time each week at the doctor! I'm praying for a healthier, happier 2012!