Reflections

Yesterday, I worked my last day as an employee for the State (at least for now). It felt really good and also really strange as I pulled away from the building that I have been reporting to for approximately the past 8 years. At the moment, I am still on the payroll on an on-call basis because they need my help to prepare some documents for this year's arrival of the Auditors. That feels good because I can earn a little money here and there when I am available, but I don't have the pressure of reporting to work every day. I am guessing they may need to call me from time to time until February, then my replacement will probably be able to take over completely. Her start date is set for 1/18.

I have been feeling like a failure because I feel like I can't hold down a job. And though we are fine financially, I feel like I am letting my kids down because we have less money than we did. Something that has really helped me was taking inventory of what I have been going through in the 8 years that I have been with the State:

I had 3 miscarriages before working there and had 5 while working.

I went through apx. 15 months of fertility treatments while there.

I had two high-risk pregnancies and two preemie births while there.

I had a baby boy in the NICU.

In one year alone, I think 2010, we had 8 separate tummy bugs.

Jule had 20+ croup occurrences, 5 requiring an ambulance and 1 requiring hospitalization.

We had at least 5 RSV illnesses between the two kids.

Jule had 5 surgeries (I think).

Noly had two sets of tubes.

I had 2 Preschools almost kick Jule out and had to have two separate evaluations to find out if he was special needs.

My migraines soared from 2 a month to as high as 26 a month at times.

I tried around 8 different preventives, most with bad side effects.

My husband was diagnosed with sleep apnea and also narcolepsy.

My husband was also recently diagnosed with ADD.

There has been so much stress, and I have tried so hard to juggle everything and do a good job. I do feel like my best was enough, but I feel like I don't have the strength to keep juggling. And when I reflect on all that has happened, I can understand why it is very necessary for me to take a break from working. Yes, it will help decrease Jule's exposure to viruses, but it will also give me some much-needed down-time. Today felt really good. I sorted all of my coupons and headed to three different stores to get some good deals. I cleaned my car, inside and out. I scrubbed the posts on our front porch. I could literally feel the freedom that I have now. The kids were pretty bad this afternoon, so it left me a little anxious about being home with them all the time, but I know there will be good and bad days just like any other family has. I also know God has equipped me to do it.

I don't think it will be long before I feel an utter peace about being home. I look forward to the new that God has in store for 2012!