Little Strength

All too often, I feel like I am failing. I feel like I am always telling God that I just can't take anymore. Through each miscarriage, I wailed and felt like I couldn't keep trying. I'm so glad I didn't give up until I felt "complete." It's not my complete...it's God's. Once I had Noly, I would have gladly been done with having children. She was a difficult baby, and I had my hands full. Then I felt God nudging me that He had another baby for me. And while Jule has proven to be even more difficult than Noly, I don't for a minute regret having him. They both light up my life in ways I don't think I can even explain. And I know that God has plans for each of them that only they can fulfill.

Lately, with all of the doctor appointments and sickness, I have been ridden with anxiety. I have felt so alone through a lot of it as Kevin has had to keep traveling to bring in money. Last week, I went down to 30 hours a week at work, and that is helping lighten my load. However, even that little bit of reprieve has made me feel weak and guilty. I am LOVING not getting up at 5 am! I am LOVING the time in the mornings I have with the kids...I just feel like I have failed as a "provider." I started reading in Revelation last night, and today I picked up where I left off...

Revelation 3: 7-13
"To the angel of the church in Philadelphia write: These are the words of him who is holy and true, who holds the key of David. What he opens no one can shut, and what he shuts no one can open.
I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name.
I will make those who are of the synagogue of Satan, who claim to be Jews though they are not, but are liars—I will make them come and fall down at your feet and acknowledge that I have loved you.
Since you have kept my command to endure patiently, I will also keep you from the hour of trial that is going to come upon the whole world to test those who live on the earth.
I am coming soon. Hold on to what you have, so that no one will take your crown.
Him who overcomes I will make a pillar in the temple of my God. Never again will he leave it. I will write on him the name of my God and the name of the city of my God, the new Jerusalem, which is coming down out of heaven from my God; and I will also write on him my new name.
He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches."

He KNOWS I have little strength and that I'm doing the best I can! He knows I am doing my best to serve Him and doing what He wants in this particular time. He knows that I fear for Jule's breathing. AND I believe it's ok. He doesn't see me as weak...for when I'm weak, His strength comes through. When I'm crying and hyperventilating on my way to work, He has already made a way for me to find rest. He has opened doors here at work that are unbelievable. I'm working less hours with full benefits, I'm seeing more of my babies, and I'm getting more sleep at night. So, I shouldn't see it as me being weak...He's giving me a place of rest and the ability to refresh instead of running on empty. He's given me the gift of time. I believe that the coming weeks will bring a wave of peace, rest from anxiety (which is so unlike me in the first place), and a growing knowledge of His desire to bless me and His favor on my life.

Thank You, God.