About an hour later, I started thinking that maybe this pain could be caused by pregnancy. Surely not...we had only used the little ovulation monitors for 2 months. I hesitantly grabbed a Home Pregnancy Test out from under the bathroom sink, and I totally expected that horrible single line to laugh in my face yet again. To my surprise, a very dark second pink line was there! I was pregnant! After 9 years, I could not believe it was ME who was pregnant! I think I called my mom first, and she was about as stunned as I was. I then called Kevin, and he was elated...ever the optimist, he was much less surprised than I was.
Here is my test from over 6 1/2 years ago:
I spent the next few weeks very nauseous, very exhausted, and very happy! I was attending Master's Classes at night, and when I was 6 weeks along, I got a job at a Law Firm. I needed to get insurance that included maternity, so I took the first job I could get that had good insurance coverage! A few days into my new job, I started having severe cramping. I called my OB/GYN (Dr. H), and she said it was probably fine since I was not spotting but that I could come in to be checked out. I quickly went in, and she did an ultrasound. I was 6 weeks 3 days that day, and I was madly in love with the little butter bean that was on the screen. The baby had a beautiful heartbeat, and Dr. H said, "Relax, you'll be sending this one to college." I went back to work so excited that I could burst. I didn't know at that point that heartbeats could stop.
I went in for my scheduled appointment at 8 weeks 5 days, and Dr. H did another ultrasound. I was still feeling very sick and had many pregnancy symptoms, and we were happy to see the little heart beating away again. Strangely, the baby had only grown to 7 weeks 2 days in the 16 days since I'd been there. I had absolutely no idea that slow growth was an indication of a problem. I got on a plane the next day and flew to Indiana to be with my family.
While in Indiana, I had many spotting incidents, but they were very minor. I called the doctor, and she said it was probably just from the ultrasound, and it was very normal. I did worry a little at that point, but I was still very "pregnancy innocent." When I got back home, I went about my usual life of work and school. When I was just under 11 weeks, I started spotting again. So, I called the doctor, and she said to come on in. She gave me another ultrasound "just for reassurance." She looked odd to me and asked me if I was alone. I told her yes and that Kevin was out of town. I could see that the little flicker was no longer present on the screen. And while my baby had grown to even resemble a baby, there was no heartbeat. When I asked her, she confirmed what I was seeing.
I was in such shock that I basically had no response at first. She got Kevin's number and called him, and luckily, he had not been able to leave town yet. While he was on his way, I called my mom, and it really hit me when I told her. I was crying very loudly and just kept telling her "the baby died, the baby died." I just didn't know that could happen. I didn't understand. Wasn't this the son that God had promised me? Was this some cruel joke that I would have a son, but he wouldn't live?
They moved me to a different room with a couch, and they immediately scheduled me for a D&C at 5 the next morning. I went home, and I remember taking a bath and weeping. Our dog, Dizzy, sat with his little mouth resting on the tub, and he whimpered right along with me. I was torn by two different thoughts. "I want this dead baby out of me now" and "but that means I won't be pregnant anymore." I would almost have wanted to keep the baby inside forever just to be pregnant. Neither of us slept that night, and the next morning brought excruciating emotional pain for me.
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