That was my reply to the nurse when she said I could "just get pregnant again." She meant well, but she didn't know the whole story. I couldn't "just" get pregnant again, and I didn't know if it would EVER happen again. Besides, this was my baby, and I wanted THIS baby. The whole time I was checking in for surgery, Kevin had to answer the questions they were asking me because all I could do is cry. While we were in the waiting area, everyone was staring at me. Maybe they felt pity...I don't know, but I was not in the mood to be a spectacle.
Dr. H did the D&C, and all I kept asking her while I was loopy was if the baby was a boy or a girl. It was very important to me to know because my baby needed a name. It was too early to tell with the naked eye, but she did send the baby in for genetic testing to make sure there wasn't a problem that we needed to know about. There wasn't. I had a dream a few nights later about my baby, and SHE was about one year old. So, we named her Hannah Elizabeth.
We spent the next few months trying on our own, and I ended up having two chemical pregnancies. I was only pregnant for a few days each time, but my body totally let me know. Each time, I grieved all over again, though I doubt I was done grieving for my precious Hannah. I was 29 at the time, and with a long history of infertility, we decided to go to a Fertility Clinic. It was there that we met Dr. P! Oh how I love Dr. P! He was a petite man in his late 60's, early 70's, very gentle and kind. I believe he was the one who performed the first successful IVF (Invitro Fertilization) in the state, but don't quote me on that.
We did two cycles with an oral medicine similar to Clomid...nothing. We then did an IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) cycle with the oral medicine...nothing. It was time to pull out the big guns...Injectibles. Ugh! I had always been afraid of pain and needles, and now I was supposed to inject myself in the stomach daily. I was determined to do whatever it took to get a baby. I began the injections, and they monitored my ovaries. The desired result would be 3-4 good egg-containing follicles. I, always the over-achiever, ended up with over 20!!! This was not good. I believe this was September 2004, and Dr. H told me that we would have to give my body time to recover from overstimming, so I couldn't come back until after the new year. I was furious, which is understandable when you consider the amount of hormones surging through my body and that we had already wasted $2,000 on the meds alone. I went out to the parking lot while Kevin talked to Dr. H and I started throwing my clothes at the car. I literally screamed the whole 30 minute drive home. To me, this was the end. Why in the world had I tried so hard to have a baby. It had only brought me physical and emotional pain at this point.
Somewhere in there, I ended up having 4 more chemical pregnancies. I don't remember which months it happened, but I don't think it was when we did a cycle with the Clinic. I would feel pregnant, test positive, then start my period days later. I sank deeper and deeper into a pit of despair. When January of 2005 came, we switched insurance companies to one that covered infertility and pulled out the really big fertility guns...Invitro! BUT I had to convince Dr. P to do IVF rather than more IUIs. Could it be done?
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