It's A New Day

Sometime in September of 2007, Pastor Mike called a Worship Arts Meeting. He wanted to share with us his vision for the next season in church. I love going to these meetings because it gives us an opportunity to know how to pray for the people in the congregation and how to be Pastor Mike's support. As I got ready for the meeting, I began praying that God would show me what to do. Kevin and I both agreed that another IVF cycle was an option, but oh how I did not want to ever do that again. Also, what if we had some frosties left? I had serious ethical dilemmas about that. On the other hand, if we tried on our own, I had 13 years with nothing to show as a result of "our" efforts. I really needed to hear from God...I was desperate, desperate to know His will and follow it.

It was hard for me to greet everyone such a short time after our loss of Payton. They are my family since my family is 15 hours away. I LOVE my church family and appreciate them more than they will ever know. I held it together through many hugs and greetings having no idea what GOD had prepared for me that day.

Pastor Mike began to talk about the "Grasshopper Mentality." He shared about the story of Joshua and Caleb. All of the the other spies had seen themselves as grasshoppers in the sight of the people of the city. Pastor Mike encouraged us to not see ourselves as grasshoppers because He wants to do great things through us. In my heart, I began to weep. Though if you'd looked at my face, you'd think nothing was happening. I HATE crying and don't do it often. I knew immediately that God wanted me to let Him do it naturally...no IVF. My reply was, "But God, it's been 13 years. I don't think I can handle trying and trying and trying for another 13 years." Pastor Mike then said that sometimes counseling brings about a healing in people over a course of time, and there are other times that God can do the same healing instantly. "Oh, ummm...seriously, this is going to happen quickly." Was I hearing God correctly? Pastor Mike talked about how God wants to bring us into our promised land, but we can stop it. I knew that I would be going directly against His will if I did another IVF cycle. It was settled, but it was so scary! It was so scary to hope, to dream, to believe...to not see myself as a grasshopper, but to believe that the One who promised was faithful to fulfill His word. Ok, we'll try naturally.

After Pastor Mike shared, he had everyone come around the altar and worship. They played a worship CD as he prayed over each of us. I had completely held myself together through all of this that was going on internally, but when he prayed for me, I completely broke down. I was weeping uncontrollably. I began to tremble and fell to the floor. I was lying there in complete silence inside and God began speaking to me some Scripture that He had given me when I lost Hannah. Isaiah 43:18-19 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." Also, John 16:33b "...In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." I wept and wept. Then, a song I had never heard came on over the speaker system...

"It's a new day, It's a new day,
Shadows rise at the glory of the Son.
It's a new day, It's a new day,
The past has gone and life has just begun."

I was so comforted...and scared...and hopeful...and insecure. And two months later, on November 26, 2007, at 3:30 am, I was staring at a positive pregnancy test. My son was on the way, my sweet Jule. And on July 8, 2008, Jule was born...exactly 5 years to the day that I got my first positive pregnancy test ever. God had given me beauty for ashes and hope for my sorrow. No more infertility, just my two beautiful gifts from His hand.

It's amazing to me to see how faithful God is! I had no idea that the word God gave me at 14 would take 20 years to come to pass or that I would have to walk through so much to get to that place. I know my journey is not over, but I believe He is teaching me that I can trust Him, even when His voice seems to contradict my rational mind, my HUMAN mind. He can and will do what He says He will do. He will fulfill His promises, and He plants dreams in our hearts for His purposes.