Jule is Happy???

For those of you who have read my blog from the beginning, you know that Jule has been a very difficult baby. So much has been involved in his first 10 months of life. He was in the NICU for his first week, then he developed severe reflux (which he still has, but it's better than it was), he had multiple ear infections, he got tubes and still got an ear infection, he had to have his circumcision at 9 months because he was too sick as an infant, and he has been sick almost nonstop from Thanksgiving until a couple of weeks ago. All of this has made for a very unhappy baby. It is not unusual for most of my work evenings to be spent trying to make him happy...some how, some way. It's understandable because he just doesn't feel good, and it's frustrating because there is nothing I can do about it.

Then, like someone turned a switch, Jule became happy. It started yesterday. The babysitter noticed that he was a different baby, and I found myself watching him in awe in the evenings as he played happily and jabbered rather than screamed his way through our nightly routine! My sweet baby boy is playing ALONE, watching his sissy and smiling. He has been spitting up a LOT, and I think that's because he is crawling a lot and not upright as much as he had been...but who cares...he's happy! I will clean up spit-up all day if he's happy! The entire downstairs of our house is clean before 9:00 because he allowed me to alternate between playing with he and Noly and cleaning.

This post is probably already too long, but I am just thrilled. I can only thank the One Who created him. Whatever will I do with myself in the evening when I don't have to spend every spare moment after their bedtime cleaning??? Woo-Hoo!

September 2004 / May 2009

You may wonder what these two dates have in common. Actually, there are two things...Disney World and 4 Him/Marty Magehee. In September 2004, I found myself in Cosmic Ray's in Disney World listening to 4 Him sing. It was a dream come true for me...my favorite group in my favorite place. It felt like we had to move heaven and earth to get there. We drove through the outer parts of a hurricane on our way down to Orlando. I had been through several miscarriages at the time and had just finished a failed fertility cycle...I needed the happiness. It was in the midst of 4 Him's singing and sharing that the song "Even If" was birthed. I was listening to Kirk share about current events and how God was still on the throne "even if." God gently spoke to my heart, "Even if you never have a living child, will you still serve me?" I thought about it; it was a big blow to my heart's desire. I answered Him that I would...even if. I would serve Him no matter what. I will share the words to the song only because it's already copyrighted : )

1. Even if the sun refuses to shine in my life, Even if
The laughter is buried away deep inside, Even if
I can't seem to reach You, my heart needs to feel You,
I know You are there by my side.
In my heart I've determined to worship, Even if.

2. Even if my joy doesn't come till I've cried through the night, Even if
I don't understand how You're working in my life, Even if
I'm needing Your power, it's in every hour I find You with arms open wide.
In my heart I've determined to love You, Even if.

B. Lord, You are my strength, my hiding place.
I'm sheltered in Your hand, within Your grace.
And though my plans may come undone
Lord, You're still my treasured One.
And in my heart I've determined to praise You, Even if.

3. Even if my dreams are fragments and pieces, You still reign. Even if
I'm weary and tired of the waiting, You're still King, Even if
The battle is raging, the struggle I'm facing is nothing compared to Your might
In my heart, I've determined to trust You,
In my heart, I've determined to love You,
In my heart, I've determined to praise You....
Even if.

In May 2009, I found myself on vacation in Orlando with my husband and two children. Not only did we get to run through the streets of the Magic Kingdom, we also attended a Marty Magehee concert. Tears started streaming down my face as I walked toward the concert stage. I was visiting my favorite place on earth, I got to hear my favorite singer, and I had my two miracles with me! Marty mentioned something about the fulfillment of God's promises, and I get to visibly see His fulfillment daily, in two little sets of bright blue eyes. A mere 5 years ago, I was a mommy in mourning; and today my life is filled with diapers and storytimes, princess dresses and tadpoles. I am sure that there will be times in my life that I will have to restate the words to "even if," but I can do so with the knowledge that God has been SO faithful in the past and will continue to be in the present and future. I thank Him for filling my eyes with the wonder of my child's amazement and for filling my ears with the music that I had wanted to hear for years.

Job 8:21 "Till he fill thy mouth with laughing, and thy lips with rejoicing." ~ and He has!

Noly & Jule with Mickey & Minnie

The kids & I with Marty Magehee

Orlando

We made it to Orlando! It only took us 6 hours because we drove so late at night. There was no traffic, and the kids did amazing! Noly watched movies and was determined to stay awake, and Jule slept most of the way. Our hotel is beautiful! We plan to go meet Mickey Mouse once Jule wakes from his morning nap. Noly slept until 10 because we didn't get to bed until after 4 AM. We're just taking it easy and relaxing. It's so nice to be able to enjoy the kids without pressures of daily responsibilities!

The Stone has Passed

....to Kevin's bladder that is. It hasn't left his body yet, but he is not in pain anymore. The meds they gave him were excellent at keeping the pain to a dull ache. He slept for 10 hours and woke up with no pain, so he's driving back home right now. There is so much to do before we leave tonight, and I hope it's not 10 PM before we leave the house. Kevin, the kids & I will be in our truck, and Kevin's sister will be following us in her car with her 12-year-old daughter and her friend. So, is it easier to drive with a baby and a toddler in the car or with two 12-year-old girls? : )

Last night, Noly wet her pants twice. She hasn't done that since she potty trained like 2 months ago. I'm not sure if she was sensing my overwhelming stress or what. I was ready to unpack all of my hard work from the week and call off the trip, but I didn't. Jule was getting into everything. When I blocked off one part of the house, he'd find something else to get into in another part. He is ALL boy and nothing like Noly in personality. I tell him "no" firmly, but he really does not understand yet. I had to take a bite of dinner, chase him, take another bite, move him, take another bite, run after him....and so it went on. Later on in the evening, I showed him a Pooh stuffed toy and asked him where Pooh's eye was. He studied Pooh's face and then pointed to his eye and said, "eye." No joke! I wish Kevin had been home to hear it! He calls Noly "sisssss." I'm amazed at all the words he has already! Noly didn't say very much until we got her tubes put in at 18 months. I think there was just too much fluid in her ears all the time.

I'm hoping that Disney and a refreshing outdoor concert provide the fun and relaxation we have been so desperately needing. I found out about some new things in Disney that I can't wait to show Noly. I think she will be in awe when she sees Cinderella's castle since it is where Princesses live. Calgon...errr, ummm...Disney, take me away!

For Crying Out Loud!!!

Today has been nothing short of overwhelming and frustrating. Kevin called me early this morning to tell me that he was in severe abdominal pain. He was over 5 hours away at a hotel, and I told him to get to the nearest ER. We found out he has a kidney stone. They pumped him full of pain meds and basically told him to get a hotel and wait it out...that it should pass in 12 hours. This means he has to be in a hotel...alone...with a mixture of meds and in pain. They told him to drink 2 beers because it opens up the urethra and makes it easier for the stone to pass. Too bad he doesn't like beer. He is driving as close as he can to home, then he will stop at a hotel when the pain starts to get bad again. At that point, he can take all of the meds and drink the beer. Hopefully, this will all be over by midnight tonight.

When I leave work in an hour, I have to go pick up the kids and break the news to Noly that we're not leaving for Disney World tonight. Ugh. It breaks my heart to break hers. We're hoping to leave tomorrow night if Kevin is ok by then. It's just so frustrating that something like this seems to happen every time we try to do something fun. We drove 4 out of 15 hours at Christmas only to turn around and come back home because Jule was screaming while driving through the mountains. My poor mom and dad were devastated, and so were we. Poor Noly isn't old enough to understand all the whys. I don't want to disappoint her again. I don't want her to think that Mommy & Daddy are lying when they say we are going to go somewhere fun.

Could we just start the day over?

Psalm 94:17-19 "Unless the LORD had been my help, my soul had almost dwelt in silence. When I said, My foot slippeth; thy mercy, O LORD, held me up. In the multitude of my thoughts within me thy comforts delight my soul."

It's A New Day

Sometime in September of 2007, Pastor Mike called a Worship Arts Meeting. He wanted to share with us his vision for the next season in church. I love going to these meetings because it gives us an opportunity to know how to pray for the people in the congregation and how to be Pastor Mike's support. As I got ready for the meeting, I began praying that God would show me what to do. Kevin and I both agreed that another IVF cycle was an option, but oh how I did not want to ever do that again. Also, what if we had some frosties left? I had serious ethical dilemmas about that. On the other hand, if we tried on our own, I had 13 years with nothing to show as a result of "our" efforts. I really needed to hear from God...I was desperate, desperate to know His will and follow it.

It was hard for me to greet everyone such a short time after our loss of Payton. They are my family since my family is 15 hours away. I LOVE my church family and appreciate them more than they will ever know. I held it together through many hugs and greetings having no idea what GOD had prepared for me that day.

Pastor Mike began to talk about the "Grasshopper Mentality." He shared about the story of Joshua and Caleb. All of the the other spies had seen themselves as grasshoppers in the sight of the people of the city. Pastor Mike encouraged us to not see ourselves as grasshoppers because He wants to do great things through us. In my heart, I began to weep. Though if you'd looked at my face, you'd think nothing was happening. I HATE crying and don't do it often. I knew immediately that God wanted me to let Him do it naturally...no IVF. My reply was, "But God, it's been 13 years. I don't think I can handle trying and trying and trying for another 13 years." Pastor Mike then said that sometimes counseling brings about a healing in people over a course of time, and there are other times that God can do the same healing instantly. "Oh, ummm...seriously, this is going to happen quickly." Was I hearing God correctly? Pastor Mike talked about how God wants to bring us into our promised land, but we can stop it. I knew that I would be going directly against His will if I did another IVF cycle. It was settled, but it was so scary! It was so scary to hope, to dream, to believe...to not see myself as a grasshopper, but to believe that the One who promised was faithful to fulfill His word. Ok, we'll try naturally.

After Pastor Mike shared, he had everyone come around the altar and worship. They played a worship CD as he prayed over each of us. I had completely held myself together through all of this that was going on internally, but when he prayed for me, I completely broke down. I was weeping uncontrollably. I began to tremble and fell to the floor. I was lying there in complete silence inside and God began speaking to me some Scripture that He had given me when I lost Hannah. Isaiah 43:18-19 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." Also, John 16:33b "...In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." I wept and wept. Then, a song I had never heard came on over the speaker system...

"It's a new day, It's a new day,
Shadows rise at the glory of the Son.
It's a new day, It's a new day,
The past has gone and life has just begun."

I was so comforted...and scared...and hopeful...and insecure. And two months later, on November 26, 2007, at 3:30 am, I was staring at a positive pregnancy test. My son was on the way, my sweet Jule. And on July 8, 2008, Jule was born...exactly 5 years to the day that I got my first positive pregnancy test ever. God had given me beauty for ashes and hope for my sorrow. No more infertility, just my two beautiful gifts from His hand.

It's amazing to me to see how faithful God is! I had no idea that the word God gave me at 14 would take 20 years to come to pass or that I would have to walk through so much to get to that place. I know my journey is not over, but I believe He is teaching me that I can trust Him, even when His voice seems to contradict my rational mind, my HUMAN mind. He can and will do what He says He will do. He will fulfill His promises, and He plants dreams in our hearts for His purposes.

FET

After several months of trying on our own, I called the nurse at Dr. P's and told her we would like to do a FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer). I received the protocol and began the injections in June of 2007. This cycle was much harder on me than the IVF because the hormones prevented my body from ovulating. So the Lupron (used to suppress your ovaries) continued for MANY days. It made me nauseous, dizzy & crazy. Then, we added Estrogen pills, but I had to switch to Estrogen patches when I could barely keep the growing number of pills down. I think there were antibiotics and steroids in there somewhere, but I don't remember the exact timing. Then, the dreaded day came when it was time to add the Progesterone injections (PIO). They were HORRIBLE! The needle was an inch long, and it had to go into the muscle of my upper thigh. The injection was oil-based, so it was very thick and hard to inject. I had to start with twice a day until after the transfer. By the second day, I couldn't walk. My hips hurt so bad that I was crawling everywhere. I was trying desperately to take care of 2-year-old Noly, but I just couldn't keep up with her.

I don't remember what the date of the transfer was, but they thawed two embryos and only one lived. They thawed the other two, and only one of those lived. So, they put back 2 good-graded embryos. After the transfer, I was on complete bedrest for 48 hours. I only got up to go to the bathroom. It worked to bring me Noly, so I didn't mind doing it at all. My mom flew in and cared for Noly during that time. The whole time I was on bedrest, I kept begging God to please not let me even get pregnant if I was just going to lose the baby/babies again. I just couldn't bear it anymore. I would rather not be pregnant than to be pregnant and go through another loss. Five days later, I was feeling very gaggy and was staring at two beautiful lines on a home pregnancy test! We were elated! I was immediately dealing with frequent nausea and craving every meat in existence.

One morning, I was at work listening to the radio, and I heard "Blessed be Your Name." I heard the line, "You give and take away..." and I knew...this one would be taken away too. I became a bundle of nerves, but when we went in at 6 weeks for an ultrasound, the baby measured perfect and had a good heartbeat. I was relieved but not convinced that everything would be ok. When I was 8 weeks along, I started spotting. I immediately called the Clinic and went in for an ultrasound. Kevin had taken Noly to his High School Reunion Cookout, so I went alone. The ultrasound showed me what I expected...the baby's heart had stopped beating. I didn't cry. I told Dr. S that it had happened before and that I knew what I was going to see before they did the ultrasound. I WAS devastated, but I wasn't surprised. We opted for a D&C a few days later because I was in tremendous pain. They tested the baby, and everything came back normal again...and we found out the baby was a girl. We named her Payton Claire after Dr. P.

After 3 losses, Insurance will usually pay for genetic testing on the mother. Since I had now been through 8 losses, I requested that Dr. P run the labs to make sure I didn't have any problems that could easily be solved. He ran the Immunological and Thrombophilia panel, and everything came back normal. I wasn't even quite sure how to process all of this. All I knew was that God had a son for me, and I knew it wasn't on my heart to adopt. I spent a lot of time seeking God. I needed to know what He wanted me to do.

IVF

Wow, I actually have a lot of free time today....better use it while it exists!



In January 2005, I called the nurse at Dr. P's office and told her I would like to go straight to IVF. I felt like IUI was not the way to go. She asked him, and he agreed. So, we set up our cycle. This was $7,000 out of pocket, and that was AFTER insurance paid 70%. I was desparate, and Kevin wanted to do whatever would make me happy. I told him I had to do everything I could before admitting defeat. And so began the needles...3x a day...in the belly. We tried the thigh, and I couldn't bear for my pants to touch my leg...same thing with my arm. So, my belly was covered in bruises. I was emotionally a mess, but deep in my heart, I knew it would work. As I drove over the bridge to one of my appointments, God said, "The waiting is over. The mourning is over." On February 25, 2005, Dr. P transferred two Day 3 embryos, and one of them took. On October 14, 2005, I held my beloved Nolynn Grace. And I can tell you she was so worth it, and I'm glad I didn't give up.

My mom with Noly ~ 2 days old

At this point, I assumed that God meant I would have a child and not a literal son. Noly filled our arms and our lives with laughter. She was a very fussy and difficult baby, and Kevin and I were very content with just one child. We ended up with 4 frozen embryos after the transfer, and I was really on the fence with what to do with them. I didn't believe in destroying them, and I really couldn't bear to put them up for "embryo adoption." They were little Nolys...little versions of Kevin and I, but I was too overwhelmed to even think about going through it all again.

Isn't it amazing how God's plan and timing changes our hearts? I was sitting in church in October 2006, and we were having an anniversary celebration service. There was an older gentleman on stage worshiping with an infant in his arms. God spoke to me and said, "Noly is not the child I promised you." Please note that this is not to say that she is not from God. We consider her an awesome gift He has given us. I instantly knew that when He said a son, He meant a son. I told Him I didn't think I could handle another child but that I would obey. I talked to Kevin, and we decided to try on our own to see what happened, and if nothing happened after a few months, we'd go get our "frosties." All through this time, my heart was changing, and my desire for another child grew.

To be continued...

It Took Me 9 Years...

That was my reply to the nurse when she said I could "just get pregnant again." She meant well, but she didn't know the whole story. I couldn't "just" get pregnant again, and I didn't know if it would EVER happen again. Besides, this was my baby, and I wanted THIS baby. The whole time I was checking in for surgery, Kevin had to answer the questions they were asking me because all I could do is cry. While we were in the waiting area, everyone was staring at me. Maybe they felt pity...I don't know, but I was not in the mood to be a spectacle.

Dr. H did the D&C, and all I kept asking her while I was loopy was if the baby was a boy or a girl. It was very important to me to know because my baby needed a name. It was too early to tell with the naked eye, but she did send the baby in for genetic testing to make sure there wasn't a problem that we needed to know about. There wasn't. I had a dream a few nights later about my baby, and SHE was about one year old. So, we named her Hannah Elizabeth.

We spent the next few months trying on our own, and I ended up having two chemical pregnancies. I was only pregnant for a few days each time, but my body totally let me know. Each time, I grieved all over again, though I doubt I was done grieving for my precious Hannah. I was 29 at the time, and with a long history of infertility, we decided to go to a Fertility Clinic. It was there that we met Dr. P! Oh how I love Dr. P! He was a petite man in his late 60's, early 70's, very gentle and kind. I believe he was the one who performed the first successful IVF (Invitro Fertilization) in the state, but don't quote me on that.

We did two cycles with an oral medicine similar to Clomid...nothing. We then did an IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) cycle with the oral medicine...nothing. It was time to pull out the big guns...Injectibles. Ugh! I had always been afraid of pain and needles, and now I was supposed to inject myself in the stomach daily. I was determined to do whatever it took to get a baby. I began the injections, and they monitored my ovaries. The desired result would be 3-4 good egg-containing follicles. I, always the over-achiever, ended up with over 20!!! This was not good. I believe this was September 2004, and Dr. H told me that we would have to give my body time to recover from overstimming, so I couldn't come back until after the new year. I was furious, which is understandable when you consider the amount of hormones surging through my body and that we had already wasted $2,000 on the meds alone. I went out to the parking lot while Kevin talked to Dr. H and I started throwing my clothes at the car. I literally screamed the whole 30 minute drive home. To me, this was the end. Why in the world had I tried so hard to have a baby. It had only brought me physical and emotional pain at this point.

Somewhere in there, I ended up having 4 more chemical pregnancies. I don't remember which months it happened, but I don't think it was when we did a cycle with the Clinic. I would feel pregnant, test positive, then start my period days later. I sank deeper and deeper into a pit of despair. When January of 2005 came, we switched insurance companies to one that covered infertility and pulled out the really big fertility guns...Invitro! BUT I had to convince Dr. P to do IVF rather than more IUIs. Could it be done?

Jule is Crawling, and Noly Doesn't Like Him Anymore!

Jule started crawling on his hands and knees this weekend. He is getting into everything within reach, including everything Noly is trying to play with. She informed me that she doesn't like Baby Jule anymore, nor does she love him. Poor Jule. I'm sure she will love him and then dislike him again over and over through the years. I remember how much my little brother irritated me!
Unfortunately, Jule has no idea what we mean when we say no. He's just not old enough to understand, yet he's old enough to get into a kitchen drawer and pull out the bibs. I should probably video that sometime...it is quite funny! We decided to go to Disney World this coming weekend since it's my last 3-day weekend for quite some time. It's not a bad drive, and we think we can do it while the kids sleep. Noly cannot wait to see Mickey Mouse and all of the Princesses! I can't wait to see those blue eyes light up!
Disney World, here we come!

July 8, 2003

This was a day that would change my life forever. We had been following all of the doctor's instructions for a couple of months at this point, and Kevin came home from work to tell me that he found out our insurance did not include maternity. I assured him that it wouldn't really matter; after all, it's not like I get pregnant easily. I told him to check into adding maternity the next day to see what the cost would be. He agreed, and we went to get some fast food together before he headed out on the road for work. As we were driving, I remember telling him that my chest hurt so bad that I felt like I was having a heart attack. It was an odd pain, and it was only on the left side. I decided to wait it out and see if it got better or worse, and he left.



About an hour later, I started thinking that maybe this pain could be caused by pregnancy. Surely not...we had only used the little ovulation monitors for 2 months. I hesitantly grabbed a Home Pregnancy Test out from under the bathroom sink, and I totally expected that horrible single line to laugh in my face yet again. To my surprise, a very dark second pink line was there! I was pregnant! After 9 years, I could not believe it was ME who was pregnant! I think I called my mom first, and she was about as stunned as I was. I then called Kevin, and he was elated...ever the optimist, he was much less surprised than I was.



Here is my test from over 6 1/2 years ago:



I spent the next few weeks very nauseous, very exhausted, and very happy! I was attending Master's Classes at night, and when I was 6 weeks along, I got a job at a Law Firm. I needed to get insurance that included maternity, so I took the first job I could get that had good insurance coverage! A few days into my new job, I started having severe cramping. I called my OB/GYN (Dr. H), and she said it was probably fine since I was not spotting but that I could come in to be checked out. I quickly went in, and she did an ultrasound. I was 6 weeks 3 days that day, and I was madly in love with the little butter bean that was on the screen. The baby had a beautiful heartbeat, and Dr. H said, "Relax, you'll be sending this one to college." I went back to work so excited that I could burst. I didn't know at that point that heartbeats could stop.


I went in for my scheduled appointment at 8 weeks 5 days, and Dr. H did another ultrasound. I was still feeling very sick and had many pregnancy symptoms, and we were happy to see the little heart beating away again. Strangely, the baby had only grown to 7 weeks 2 days in the 16 days since I'd been there. I had absolutely no idea that slow growth was an indication of a problem. I got on a plane the next day and flew to Indiana to be with my family.


While in Indiana, I had many spotting incidents, but they were very minor. I called the doctor, and she said it was probably just from the ultrasound, and it was very normal. I did worry a little at that point, but I was still very "pregnancy innocent." When I got back home, I went about my usual life of work and school. When I was just under 11 weeks, I started spotting again. So, I called the doctor, and she said to come on in. She gave me another ultrasound "just for reassurance." She looked odd to me and asked me if I was alone. I told her yes and that Kevin was out of town. I could see that the little flicker was no longer present on the screen. And while my baby had grown to even resemble a baby, there was no heartbeat. When I asked her, she confirmed what I was seeing.


I was in such shock that I basically had no response at first. She got Kevin's number and called him, and luckily, he had not been able to leave town yet. While he was on his way, I called my mom, and it really hit me when I told her. I was crying very loudly and just kept telling her "the baby died, the baby died." I just didn't know that could happen. I didn't understand. Wasn't this the son that God had promised me? Was this some cruel joke that I would have a son, but he wouldn't live?


They moved me to a different room with a couch, and they immediately scheduled me for a D&C at 5 the next morning. I went home, and I remember taking a bath and weeping. Our dog, Dizzy, sat with his little mouth resting on the tub, and he whimpered right along with me. I was torn by two different thoughts. "I want this dead baby out of me now" and "but that means I won't be pregnant anymore." I would almost have wanted to keep the baby inside forever just to be pregnant. Neither of us slept that night, and the next morning brought excruciating emotional pain for me.

"You Will Have a Son"

One day, when I was 14, I was reading my Bible and praying, and God spoke to my heart, "You will have a son." I didn't think much of it because I was not even able to date at the time. It's so strange how such a seemingly obvious word at such an early age became something I would have to cling to in my adult years.

After I went to the doctor, we began attentively trying. I bought the beautiful little ovulation tests that are supposed to accurately tell you the best times to try to get pregnant. Although we were trying, I was an emotional mess inside. I had a hard time believing it would happen after all these years. I was laying awake one night crying around 2 am, and I felt a nudging to get up and read I Samuel. I wasn't even sure what it was about, but I knew I had to read it. It was the story of Hannah and Samuel. Hannah was distraught because she wanted a baby so badly, and God gave her a son. Once again, the word that God has spoken to me before rang through, and I began to ask God daily for a son. I had a renewed hope, but I was also not sure in what way God would bring me a son.

Hair, Hair & More Hair

That is what came into my life with the birth of Jule...

I have never seen so much hair on a baby! I don't even know what to do with it but run my fingers through it. Neither of us has curls, so I am at a loss on what will make it look the best. I do put Johnson & Johnson's leave-in conditioner in it or he gets TONS of tangles. The first pic is on a "good" hair day, and the second pic is from this morning...probably a "bad" hair day in the life of a curly-headed baby.

Yesterday, I mentioned invisible braids to my babysitter. She had never seen one, so I put one in Noly's hair this morning:

It's a lot of work to braid a 3-year-old's hair because they don't sit still for long. We even put a little hairspray in it since she has baby-soft hair. I wonder what it will look like when I pick her up this afternoon?

Picking up from where I left off...

I met Kevin online on June 6, 1998. We talked for a long time online just getting to know each other. Eventually, I gave him my number and he called me. I met him on September 12, 1998. I moved back down south to get to know him IRL, and we were married in April of 2000.

He knew that I had not been pregnant before, but he was very much open to adoption if we had to take that route. We didn't really become serious about having children until I graduated from college in 2002. In 2003, I went into the Master's Program and also went to the doctor to see what avenues we should explore. The doctor told me we would get aggressive if I wasn't pregnant in 6 more months. I figured, "What is 6 months after 9 years?"

In the 2 months after going to the doctor, God reminded me of something He had spoken to me when I was 14..."You will have a son." But how???

A Little History

In some of my upcoming posts, I plan to share some of my journey with infertility and miscarriage. It just depends on when I can find extra time.

I'll start with my first husband: August 6, 1994, I married my college sweetheart. We met at a Christian college in Indiana and quickly moved from "dorm brother/sister" to boyfriend and girlfriend. I had known him for 2 years before we got married, and I never would have guessed that I had married a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde until one hour after we were married. By the time we drove 5 miles down the road to our awaiting hotel suite, he had become my nightmare rather than my dream. I'm not going to get into great detail on all that happened during the 3 1/2 years I was with him, but I will say he was abusive in a myriad of ways. I consider it a relief that I did not get pregnant in the time I was with him because I believe he would have hurt our children, and I do believe he would have eventually killed me. The one thing he said to me that is so haunting is "I pray every night that God will kill you." What??? Are you kidding??? God says to love your wife as Christ loves the Church, and you ask Him to kill me? I was with him for about 6 months after that statement, and I can tell you that I made sure I did not sleep unless he was not home. I was terrified.

During the time I was married to him, we did not use any form of birth control. I quickly found out that my body could not tolerate any hormonal form of birth control, and I found out I was allergic to some of the other options. So, we didn't prevent. It was during this time that I began to realize that I was not "one of those" who got pregnant easily...if at all. When I left him, I felt like I was worthless as a wife...I was divorced at 23 and possibly couldn't even have children. BUT...God knows the plans He has for us!

May 12, 2004

Sometimes, I like to look back in my journal to see where I was years ago on the same date. Here is a portion of what I wrote..."God, I ask You every day to give me a son, to give me Jule, knowing all the while that he is Yours. I have to trust You with his life before it even exists here on earth..." Five years ago, I prayed daily for a son, and today, I not only have a son but a daughter too. As I sit here typing, I am listening to my daughter (who is supposed to be sleeping) jumping around in her room, and I am watching my sleeping son's little curly head on the video monitor. God has been more than just faithful...He has been very generous to fill up my heart with these two.

Five years ago, I noted that I had just been through my 4th miscarriage. I was in great agony. Psalm 34:6 says, "This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him, and saved him out of all his troubles." There were days...months...that I wondered if He heard me. He did, but sometimes it just didn't feel like it. He even heard my nearly-silent breaths while I was sleeping, just as I can hear Jule right now. He may not know it, but I can see and hear him, and I love him whether he can understand it or not. Isn't that just the way that God is!

Home, Sweet Home

I am home today!!! Woo-Hoo! Apparently, it's Confederate Memorial Day and State employees get a paid day off! I spent the morning cleaning up from a busy weekend. Kevin took the kids this morning since the sitter was not taking the day off. I went to pick Noly up from Preschool at noon and brought her home to have some special time with Mommy. Her little eyes lit up when I told her it would just be her and I. We've had a nice afternoon, and she's asleep right now....

Saturday, I played with the kids then went to music rehearsal at 2:00. We had an awesome service at 5, and I couldn't wait to go back to sing again on Sunday morning. Unfortunately, I had a terrible migraine all through the night Saturday night, and I couldn't get out of bed in the morning. Kevin took care of the kids and even went out with Noly to buy me roses during Jule's nap. His parents came over around 4:30. His mom did NOT look good. Her chemo treatments have been taking a toll on her. I could tell that Kevin, his brother and his sister were all very concerned. It seemed to brighten Sara's day to see the kids, but she couldn't really hold them. I'm praying that these treatments help her feel better and not continually worse. Noly cried uncontrollably when her grandparents left. She just doesn't understand why Memaw can't spend time with her like she used to. I'm not sure what to say to a 3-year-old except that Memaw is sick and that we need to pray for her.

Well, I'd better wake Noly up so we can go get Jule. It looks like it's going to rain again...oh well.

Little Strength

All too often, I feel like I am failing. I feel like I am always telling God that I just can't take anymore. Through each miscarriage, I wailed and felt like I couldn't keep trying. I'm so glad I didn't give up until I felt "complete." It's not my complete...it's God's. Once I had Noly, I would have gladly been done with having children. She was a difficult baby, and I had my hands full. Then I felt God nudging me that He had another baby for me. And while Jule has proven to be even more difficult than Noly, I don't for a minute regret having him. They both light up my life in ways I don't think I can even explain. And I know that God has plans for each of them that only they can fulfill.

Lately, with all of the doctor appointments and sickness, I have been ridden with anxiety. I have felt so alone through a lot of it as Kevin has had to keep traveling to bring in money. Last week, I went down to 30 hours a week at work, and that is helping lighten my load. However, even that little bit of reprieve has made me feel weak and guilty. I am LOVING not getting up at 5 am! I am LOVING the time in the mornings I have with the kids...I just feel like I have failed as a "provider." I started reading in Revelation last night, and today I picked up where I left off...

Revelation 3: 7-13
"To the angel of the church in Philadelphia write: These are the words of him who is holy and true, who holds the key of David. What he opens no one can shut, and what he shuts no one can open.
I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name.
I will make those who are of the synagogue of Satan, who claim to be Jews though they are not, but are liars—I will make them come and fall down at your feet and acknowledge that I have loved you.
Since you have kept my command to endure patiently, I will also keep you from the hour of trial that is going to come upon the whole world to test those who live on the earth.
I am coming soon. Hold on to what you have, so that no one will take your crown.
Him who overcomes I will make a pillar in the temple of my God. Never again will he leave it. I will write on him the name of my God and the name of the city of my God, the new Jerusalem, which is coming down out of heaven from my God; and I will also write on him my new name.
He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches."

He KNOWS I have little strength and that I'm doing the best I can! He knows I am doing my best to serve Him and doing what He wants in this particular time. He knows that I fear for Jule's breathing. AND I believe it's ok. He doesn't see me as weak...for when I'm weak, His strength comes through. When I'm crying and hyperventilating on my way to work, He has already made a way for me to find rest. He has opened doors here at work that are unbelievable. I'm working less hours with full benefits, I'm seeing more of my babies, and I'm getting more sleep at night. So, I shouldn't see it as me being weak...He's giving me a place of rest and the ability to refresh instead of running on empty. He's given me the gift of time. I believe that the coming weeks will bring a wave of peace, rest from anxiety (which is so unlike me in the first place), and a growing knowledge of His desire to bless me and His favor on my life.

Thank You, God.