Overwhelmed

I'm in a state of feeling overwhelmed again...have been since Tuesday. It seems that when I get more than one night alone with the kids, I spiral downward. This week, I was alone with them Tues, Wed and Thurs. Today, I'm finding myself in tears again and desparately needing an Ativan and a break. I'm going to get my hair done tomorrow morning, and I told Kevin I'm going to the outlets afterwards because I've had way too much time at home alone with the kids. I need me time so that I can do the non-me time successfully. It's kind-of like putting your oxygen mask on when you're on an airplane before your child's. It seems counterintuitive, but if you can't breathe, you can't very well put the mask on your child. I feel like I'm smothered and suffocating. I so wish Jule was a normal, happy baby, but I can't change what he is like right now. I've tried EVERYTHING I can think of, and it's just not good enough.

My mom may be flying in for Jule's dedication next weekend. It will be nice to have her help and for her to see the kids. She will be here Friday through Monday if she comes. Jule wasn't smiling much when we were in Indiana, so she will love seeing how much he smiles now...even if it's not often, his smiles are huge and contagious! Noly has matured so much and understands so much more than she did only a few months ago. I plan to take her to the airport to pick up my mom if she comes. Won't Noly be thrilled! She is old enough now to understand that Grammy & Papa live far away and have to fly in an airplane. She does not know...yet...that you can also drive for a long, long time. She'll learn about that in December.

Oh, sweet Jule, please start feeling better soon so you can become the easy, happy baby that I see underneath the screaming.