Labor

I played keys for a retreat our church was having Friday night, and I found myself in tears again. God began showing me that it will not always be like this, and that He has a ministry for me to do. He is going to bring healing to our household. I don't know when it will happen, but He began filling me with a hope for our future, a hope of a more "normal" life. We sang "Your Love Never Fails," "Our God," and "We Still Believe." Some of the phrases that stuck with me were "there may be pain in the night, but joy comes with the morning," "our God is healer, awesome in power," and "though the journey has been hard...Your faithfulness is our reward."

Sometimes, I go back and read my journal to help me remember things that God has been speaking to my heart. It's very easy to forget with the busy buzz of life. I went back to a year ago and read that God had been speaking to me about entering into a time of rest. He was also speaking to me about all of this pain and turmoil being a time of "labor" that will give birth to a ministry. I had completely forgotten about all of this. 2011 has been anything but a time of rest for me. It has been very hard, very trying. It gets to the point where it feels like this is how it will be forever. But God is renewing in me that word..."rest." I believe He is going to bring us a time of health, rest and renewal.

I am praying about what God wants to come out of this time of being at home. Does He want me to move away from Accounting and towards a Ministry? Should I use the time at home to study for and get my CPA license? That would really help me land a good job when it's time to go back to work. However, it would be worthless if God is calling me into a ministry. Definitely, I will be able to spend more time with the kids, and I won't have to use so much of my time trying to prepare for the next work/school day. But my heart really yearns to know what God desires during this time. I don't feel like this is a light decision, and I also feel like it is a life-changing decision. How wonderful life could be when we are not constantly sick and going to doctor appointments! I don't know if my mind can even wrap around what a more normal life is like.

I'm embarking on something I never thought I would do. If I think about it very much, my stomach starts to turn and flip because it is still terrifying to me in some ways. I have to bring my mind back to the truth that God will provide all we need, that He has a plan for our lives, and that we are walking in a direction that He has made vivid and clear to us and that He will continue to guide us as we seek Him.

Resigned

The dictionary definitions of "resign" are as follows:
1. to give up an office or position, often formally
2. to submit; yield: to resign before the inevitable.
3. to give up
4. to relinquish (a right, claim, agreement, etc.).
5. to give or sign over, as to the control or care of another
6. to submit (oneself, one's mind, etc.) without resistance.

In more than one sense, I have resigned. I never thought that the day would come that I would resign from my State job, and certainly not in the state our economy is in. But, I have resigned. My last day of employment with the State will be 1/6/12. I want to give them enough time for me to train someone to fill my spot. I want to treat my boss with the kindness and respect she has shown me, so I'm giving them a 2 month notice.

The reason I am resigning is because I have resigned. I'm giving myself over to the control and care of the One Who has all things in His control. The One Who loves me the most and has higher thoughts and plans for me than I can ever have for myself. As we sat in church Sunday, my husband and I were both struck with the overwhelming confirmation that, indeed, God was leading me to quit my job. We sat in two different services because I played keys for both services, and he did not make it to the first service with the kids. So, here we were, in two different services (though the same sermon), and God spoke the very same thing to our hearts. When we talked last night, I was almost giddy. I actually would prefer to work...it's easier in some ways. But I know enough to know that obedience to God's nudging will result in what is best for my life, for my family, for my heart. Ultimately, God will do a work that will far surpass what can happen when I take my life path into my own hands.

He has been so faithful to bring us these two little treasures, and it has been a very difficult journey for the past three years with Jule's health, etc. I believe He is about to do something new in our lives, and I believe it will result in some heart and life changes for me. And it all started with a stubbed toe. What seemed to be a huge imposition has turned into the very thing that God spoke to our hearts through. We have asked for wisdom, and He answered. We have stood still and are seeing the the salvation of the Lord.

Daycare is going well for Jule, and my migraines only totaled 7 for the month of October. We have definitely seen some improvements in some things. So, it's not about removing Jule from Daycare, and it's not that my migraines are too bad for me to work. It is about obedience. Sensing a move of God and going in that direction. Stepping out in faith that God will provide all we need. Learning to rely on Him more. We're about to jump off of the cliff in faith, knowing that the mighty hand of God will catch us. Ready for the ride?

Random Sunday

You may have noticed that the blog looks a little different. I was having problems with aura migraines being triggered with the previous colors, so I switched it. I don't like it as well, but it doesn't hurt my head.

We are still praying about my job situation. I am still on crutches but only have two weeks to go until I can get the pin out and start walking again! I was finally able to get my hair done...3 weeks later than I normally would. Jule is now in the 3's class at school even though he is not potty trained because he interacts so much better with the 3's than the 2's. They may even say that they think he is "normal" at this point? He has been doing much better overall at school since his ears no longer hurt. Noly is still loving school. She got a gash in her head on Tuesday from the Pledge can falling on her head from a shelf. Thankfully, they were able to glue it rather than stitch it! Kevin is doing well and is probably as anxious as I am for me to walk again.

That pretty much sums up our week. It was very physically draining for me, but it ended better than it began! Our small group is so wonderful and so many people are offering to help me out while my foot is healing. I'm very thankful for the group of people we do life with.

My Favorite Things

We have a lot of if's and maybe's floating around right now, so I wanted to freeze time a little to jot down my favorite things about the kids at THIS stage in their lives:

Noly just turned 6. I love the way she is learning to sound out words. I love how she writes me sweet little notes that came straight from her head. I love her sweetness and her willingness to help me. I love how she ALWAYS has to go to the bathroom in the middle of every meal. It's just her. I love her fashion sense and her sense of humor. I love how she can be so kind to her little brother even when he is annoying her, and I love her determination to dress him up as a Princess no matter how much he initially resists. At this point, I would guess she would be a vet when she grows up, though she thinks she should be a superstar. I love that she wants to name her son (which she hopes not to have) Sonic and her daughter (which is all she wants) Sally. I love her laid back personality and the way she seems to command the attention of everyone in the room when she walks in.

Jule is just over 3. I love his new love for cuddling since I hurt my foot and how he says, "Sit on my lap" every evening. I love his drive and determination. I love his fuzzy blonde hair and find myself rubbing his head often. I love the way he resists dressing as a Princess but gives in to make his Sissy happy. I love the way he sings his ABC's at the top of his lungs and then cheers for himself when he is done. I love that he picks out the same CARS 2 book every time he wants me to read to him and how he gets upset when we come to the page he tore out months ago every time we see it. I love how he greets me with "Good morning, Mommy" every morning. I really love that he is not a morning person like me. It helps provide a balance when we have two other cheerful morning people in the house :)

I know all of the things they are doing now will change soon...they always do. I just have to remember to write them down more often.

Changes on the Horizon

I have been asking God for wisdom....wisdom regarding Jule's health, regarding my health, regarding my job, etc. And God has been abundantly answering. He pours out wisdom on those who ask just like James 1 says. Jule has been napping, actually napping, at school since we upped his reflux meds. He also sounded like croup was coming Saturday evening, BUT he slept peacefully through the night. Only God could give the kind of insight we needed to link the croup and reflux together. I'm so thankful for the doctors He has brought into our lives.

The Keppra is making a huge difference in my migraines. In August, I had 17 migraines. I started Keppra towards the end of September and ended up with 14 migraines in September. So far for October....5. Yep, 5! I have been keeping track of them for years, and 5 is by far the lowest number on my sheet. I know October isn't over yet, but my quality of life is improving so much. I cannot imagine what I will be able to do once I can walk again!

I played keys for church this weekend, and as we rehearsed, I felt a release. It was odd. I was completely teary-eyed, and it wasn't even a special, deep moment. God was working in me. I began considering that maybe God wants me home. I had been ok with that thought if I got fired because at least unemployment could pay for Insurance for a time. But the thought of just quitting my job never seemed to be an option. I thought surely this was just a passing thought but asked God to confirm it if that is His plan. The sermon was very much giving me the same feeling. So, I talked to Kevin during dinner last night. We realized that I pretty much work for free once we pay my tithe and childcare expenses. It's just the insurance. So, we are praying about me quitting in a few months if his company can afford to pay for the COBRA insurance. By the time COBRA would go away, Jule would be in Kindergarten and I could go back to work with a hopefully very healthy little boy. This is just in the beginning stages, and we are praying and asking God what He wants us to do. It would not harm my years of service at the State, but merely put them on pause. Kevin would have to travel more, but we think it may also help my migraines and stress level. I know God will give us wisdom in this because we have already seen Him move so vividly in Jule's life. Please pray with us for clear direction in the upcoming weeks/months.

Psalm 27:14

Today, as I was doing my work, I glanced at BibleGateway's verse for today. It was Psalm 27:14, "Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD."

As I sit here "waiting," I'm doing my best to be strong and courageous. I have to admit, it's hard. I went to the Orthopedist yesterday, and he said I will need to have the pin in for 4 more weeks and be on crutches for 4 more weeks. I'm getting very physically worn out. It's hard to keep up with the kids, especially when Kevin is on the road. Jule has become aware that I cannot physically do what I used to and is taking advantage. Noly is being very helpful and has even become more independent during this time. I just have to wait 4 more weeks, then I can walk normally again!

We had an appointment with an ENT for a second opinion on Jule's frequent, complicated croup. The first ENT, who we love, just pretty much left it open ended. Our Pediatrician felt like he needed to be further assessed. The new ENT is awesome. Unfortunately, there are three things he feels we need to have done. He is not sure whether Jule's reflux is truly controlled or not. To our naked eye, it seems pretty well controlled though he has infrequent choking and vomiting. It is nowhere near what it used to be. But what our eyes cannot see could be wreaking havoc. So first, he would like to have a feeding-type tube put down Jule's nose for 24 hours. This would measure the pH levels or something and see how much reflux he is having. It sounds horrible to have him awake and aware of all of this for 24 hours. I feel like he's already suffered so much, but it also feels necessary to get to the root of the problem. He would then like Jule to have another respiratory surgery and upper GI with biopsies to check on what could physically be going on. This was a lot for me to swallow, but we do feel it is a step in the right direction. We are upping his Prevacid to 2 pills a day rather than one because it is possible the croup got worse when Peds GI told us to go down to 1. Maybe that will solve the croup problem?

We have been continuing to have problems with the Daycare. He still loves to go, but he is wearing on their nerves. One problem is that he has been having fluid in his ears that is causing ear pain, so he is more crabby than usual. On top of that, my State job threatened to fire me if I don't stop missing so much work. I wish it was that easy. I would make Jule and I 100% healthy in an instant if I had that power. At least I know the One Who does. Without Him, I would truly be hopeless.

I am sorting through all of this and doing what I can and letting go where I have no control. Ultimately, I will be there for my son. He is my priority. Unfortunately, carrying insurance for him is part of taking care of him...making sure his medical needs are taking care of...and they are MANY. So, I ask for prayers for us...for our health, for wisdom for our doctors, for favor with my job. I'm doing the best I can. Through all of this, God hasn't changed and hasn't ceased to be there for me. He is the same today as He was when I held my long-awaited miracles in my arms for the first time. That was after a long fight and a long wait. I know that, when I wait again, God will be there in the waiting, and His glory will shine through. I also know His outcome may not be my desired outcome, so I give it to Him because His thoughts are much higher than mine.

I don't know that I'll ever look back on these times and laugh, but I will look back and know that God carried us through.

Gideon

I've fallen very behind on both reading and writing blogs. I stubbed my toe a couple of weeks ago and both fractured and dislocated it near the joint. It was pointing the wrong way even after it was put back into place (ouch, btw), so I had to have surgery last week. While I was waiting on surgery, it seems that I caught Hand, Foot and Mouth from the ER. I had really high fevers and blisters all over my throat for 5-6 days...not fun, but it sure made me forget about my foot! When I got back to work, a warning from the HR department awaited me. My kind boss had gone down to HR to check on FMLA coverage for my surgery, and they saw how much I have been out in the past year. She tried to explain to them about my migraines and about Jule's health, but they didn't care. They told her she had to tell me I would be fired if my attendance did not improve. I told her I really don't have any control over it. I can't control when/how long Jule gets sick for, and we have made every attempt to control my migraines. When Kevin travels, I am left alone to keep Jule home when the Daycare won't allow him to be there due to sickness. It has been very overwhelming because I carry our insurance, and we REALLY need the insurance.

Sunday, our Pastor taught on Gideon. It touched me so deeply. He was talking about how God called him a mighty man of valor, or something like that, and how contrary to Gideon's thinking that was. I feel very much like a failure in my ability to function like a normal person daily. I feel like I am failing my family because I may not be able to keep the job that is providing our insurance. I am left feeling so "less than." But I know that God is ultimately in control of the situation, and I know that insurance really doesn't matter in light of eternity. I still care, but I cannot carry the weight of it. Either God will bring us healing, or He will provide for our medical care. He has a plan so much bigger than my mind can know.

I did start a new migraine preventive the night before I broke my toe, and it is making a HUGE difference with minimal side effects! I'm very thankful for some head relief!