I Am Here

That about sums it up at the moment...I am here. I am alive. I have moments when I feel very much alive, and I have a TON of moments when I am in so much pain. My migraines have become a daily occurrence now. I have even doubled the dosage on my preventive, but to no avail. Now, I am getting some pretty bad side effects on top of the migraines. I cannot keep my blood sugar up. I found myself devouring almost an entire bag of cotton candy on Saturday within minutes and probably could have continued eating it until I was sick. That is not normal for me. I was able to function after that much sugar, and this was after a full well-balanced meal.

Sunday, I went to church to play after having been up at 3 am with a migraine. My right eye was swollen and very bloodshot from all of the pressure, and I was feeling very off. I made it through rehearsal and through the first service, but I had to go home after the first service after nearly vomiting on stage during the last set. Apparently, all of the migraine meds and the amount of sugar I had consumed led into another bout with serotonin syndrome. I feel like I can't win medication-wise. I have a call into my Neuro to see where to go from here and to see where my Botox request stands with the insurance company.

I am pretty miserable, but I'm so thankful that I get to be home and don't have the stress of working every day. Jule has been a doll, and I love the time I'm getting with him. When I'm feeling good, we go to parks and have as much fun as we can. When I'm feeling bad, we do puzzles and watch cartoons. Noly is doing great at school and loves riding the bus home every day. I have tried to make our evenings fun and creative because I feel like it keeps her busier so she won't miss Kevin as much.

All in all, migraines are bad, but God is still good.

A Reunion

Imagine that your children are away from you doing something. When they return, there is a child missing, and all that remains of your child is his/her torn clothing. You are told that your child is dead. How tormenting that would be...how gut-wrenching! Imagine that years go by and that you ache to hold your child again...to see your child's face again. Imagine what it could be like to find out many, many years later that your child is very much alive, and imagine what the embrace would be like when you see that child's face again! Jacob experienced this.

I have been reading this week about the story of Joseph. Of course, I have grown up hearing about how Joseph's brothers sold him into slavery and told their father that he was dead. I remember hearing about what amazing things God did in Joseph's life despite the betrayal of his brothers. I don't think I had ever thought about it from a parent's perspective, and as I read about Jacob and Joseph seeing each other for the first time, I was so blown away. I cannot imagine the emotion that must have surrounded that event. It is something that I would love to have witnessed.

The belief was that Joseph was dead. The truth was that Joseph was alive. Sometimes, our belief is that something within us has died...maybe a dream, maybe the ability to open up and love...it could be anything. The truth is that our God, Who raised Lazarus from the dead, can bring to life whatever seems to us to be dead. In all reality, it is living beneath the surface. He is fashioning it, pruning it, doing amazing things with it...all while we don't even believe in the possibility of the existence of life anymore. God did such extraordinary things through the life of a son that Jacob thought did not even walk the face of the earth anymore. And though all we may see is death, God is breathing life. I pray that God makes us aware of the reality that there is truly life where we have believed there is death. And when we reunite with the truth of life, may it be life-changing.

If You Knew Me

if you knew me...you would know that my heart hurts almost as much as my head

if you knew me...you would know that i hate watching others live normal lives

if you knew me...you would know that i would rather not be laying on the couch

if you knew me...you would know i would much rather be on the floor playing

if you knew me...you would know that i am so tired of being in pain

if you knew me...you would know that i am terrified to take my kids to the zoo alone

if you knew me...you would know that i want to do and be so much more

if you knew me...you would know that most days i cannot even walk out the door

if you knew me...you would know that i have a migraine right now

if you knew me...you would know that i strongly believe in the one who can cure

if you knew me...you would be my friend even though the pain can make me unreliable

if you knew me...you would know i would do almost anything to be able to be there for u

my heart hurts tonight because the pain is just so frequent and all consuming. i feel so alone so often. i struggle to do the simplest tasks that most do easily. i do not live in my own strength because it is not something i have a lot of. i live on the manna he provides. i live...i survive...hoping for what i do not see...praying for what does not yet exist...clinging to the knowledge that he does see and hear and care. i do weep...but i also rejoice in the fellowship of his suffering.

Feeling Alive!

Sorry this post looks weird, but I can't figure out a way to change it.

I guess that's always a good thing, right? To feel alive? As it turns out, quitting my job has brought me so much joy, so much peace, so much thankfulness to God. I've been an organizing and cleaning maniac but almost have everything caught up to where I want it. I have enjoyed cuddling and playing with Jule during the day. I did not know it was possible, but he is even more attached to me now than he was. Tomorrow is the first time Noly will not be attending the aftercare program at school. She went last week since there was only school 3 days anyway, and it allowed me to adjust to being home. I'm not sure what she thinks of me being home, but I think she will love it when she is not at school.

I was reading Jeremiah 31 tonight, and verse 28 really stuck out..."And it shall come to pass, that like as I have watched over them, to pluck up, and to break down, and to throw down, and to destroy, and to afflict; so will I watch over them, to build, and to plant, saith the LORD." The years we are coming out of have been very difficult. It literally felt like I was being torn down and pulled apart. It was not fun, and it did not make me happy. But I'm sure that God was doing a work. He was removing what needed to be absent so that He could build and plant the design He has for our lives. I made up a quote tonight that just felt so right..."Only God's hand can create the masterpiece that only His eyes can see. Trust Him to make you more beautiful that you can imagine!" I realized that I cannot even begin to see or envision the design and layout He has for my life. So, HE is the only one that can make the beautiful masterpiece that He has all planned out. His thoughts are so much higher, and I'm excited to see what He is going to do!

Staying Home

So far, being home with Jule has been wonderful! Just removing the pressure of me having to try to be at work every day has made such a difference in my stress level! Jule keeps saying, "I no want to go to school." I tell him he doesn't have to anymore, but I'm not sure he quite gets it yet. Noly will love being home with us on the days she doesn't have school.

I spent a good amount of time cleaning the front porch and giving the shutters a fresh coat of paint. I still need to paint the pillars on the front porch, but I'll save that for when Kevin is in town and can keep Jule occupied. That was quite challenging. So far this morning, we are still in our jammies, and it feels wonderful!

Reflections

Yesterday, I worked my last day as an employee for the State (at least for now). It felt really good and also really strange as I pulled away from the building that I have been reporting to for approximately the past 8 years. At the moment, I am still on the payroll on an on-call basis because they need my help to prepare some documents for this year's arrival of the Auditors. That feels good because I can earn a little money here and there when I am available, but I don't have the pressure of reporting to work every day. I am guessing they may need to call me from time to time until February, then my replacement will probably be able to take over completely. Her start date is set for 1/18.

I have been feeling like a failure because I feel like I can't hold down a job. And though we are fine financially, I feel like I am letting my kids down because we have less money than we did. Something that has really helped me was taking inventory of what I have been going through in the 8 years that I have been with the State:

I had 3 miscarriages before working there and had 5 while working.

I went through apx. 15 months of fertility treatments while there.

I had two high-risk pregnancies and two preemie births while there.

I had a baby boy in the NICU.

In one year alone, I think 2010, we had 8 separate tummy bugs.

Jule had 20+ croup occurrences, 5 requiring an ambulance and 1 requiring hospitalization.

We had at least 5 RSV illnesses between the two kids.

Jule had 5 surgeries (I think).

Noly had two sets of tubes.

I had 2 Preschools almost kick Jule out and had to have two separate evaluations to find out if he was special needs.

My migraines soared from 2 a month to as high as 26 a month at times.

I tried around 8 different preventives, most with bad side effects.

My husband was diagnosed with sleep apnea and also narcolepsy.

My husband was also recently diagnosed with ADD.

There has been so much stress, and I have tried so hard to juggle everything and do a good job. I do feel like my best was enough, but I feel like I don't have the strength to keep juggling. And when I reflect on all that has happened, I can understand why it is very necessary for me to take a break from working. Yes, it will help decrease Jule's exposure to viruses, but it will also give me some much-needed down-time. Today felt really good. I sorted all of my coupons and headed to three different stores to get some good deals. I cleaned my car, inside and out. I scrubbed the posts on our front porch. I could literally feel the freedom that I have now. The kids were pretty bad this afternoon, so it left me a little anxious about being home with them all the time, but I know there will be good and bad days just like any other family has. I also know God has equipped me to do it.

I don't think it will be long before I feel an utter peace about being home. I look forward to the new that God has in store for 2012!

Hello, 2012

We are 3 days into 2012. So far, it has been uneventful. We brought in the new year by sleeping through the fireworks going off in our subdivision :)

This week is a four-day work week, then I will not be employed any longer until God leads us toward me working again. I am feeling very relieved because it feels like rest is coming. I'm also a little worried because of the loss of income and benefits (other than health) that come with working. I'm sure I will have to get used to a new normal just like I did when each of the kids was born. Since I will have a little more time on my hands, I am hoping to read through the Bible in a year. I'm using youversion and like it so far.

We have all had colds with no sign of croup from Jule. It makes me smile every time I think about the possibility that we have said goodbye to croup forever. Overall, the past few months have shown a healthier streak for the kids. It is wonderful to not spend time each week at the doctor! I'm praying for a healthier, happier 2012!