Revisiting our ENT Friend

This morning, I took Jule to his appointment for a follow-up with the ENT that we got a second opinion with (i.e. the genius that linked his croup to reflux). I was a little nervous that he would be upset with me for not getting the nasty 24-hour Ph study done on Jule, but Kevin and I both felt we did not want to do the test if it wasn't necessary because it would be very unpleasant for Jule.

I told the ENT that Jule has not had one instance of croup since we increased his reflux meds since he mentioned it may not be controlled. To my surprise, he smiled and was thrilled and said, "Well, I will just let you call me if you ever need me again. He doesn't need to be monitored!" What relief! He said that it would not surprise him if Jule had one or two croup occurrences during the winter and that would be completely acceptable. We will need to do further testing only if he starts getting it constantly like he had been. Any surgeries and invasive procedures we can eliminate in our house would be completely welcomed! I'm so glad we went with our guts and where we felt led and did not put him through more testing. And I'm praying he continues to do well on his meds!

Thank You, God, for grace over Jule's croup and giving wisdom when we asked!

2011

I can't believe how quickly the end of 2011 is approaching. I am beyond thrilled to end this year and begin a new year. I did a quick count of some of our 2011 events.

In 2011:
6 Croup occurrences, 2 requiring ambulance rides
130 migraines
1 broken toe requiring surgery, 3 months to heal
1 Grandma gone and missed
15-20 pounds lost that didn't need to go
2 Preschools stating problems with my child
2 Different Evaluations of a "normal" child
34 Trips to the Pediatrician

That's a lot in a little less than 365 days. I guess I can understand why I feel so exhausted when I look at all that has happened in 2011. However, I am looking forward to 2012 being much better. I pray that the changes we are making help bring about a calmer, healthier year for all of us. I have two beautiful children who have no idea that 2011 was a difficult year, and I'm thankful that they are too young to understand it. I want to enjoy the short time that they are young. Too soon, they'll be teenagers and won't think I'm cool at all. So, I will enjoy that they think I'm awesome now. Looking forward to 2012 and the extra time I get to spend with the kids by being home with them.

9 more days of actual work until I'm a stay-at-home mom!

She is Here Today

Today is my birthday. I have been dreading it for weeks now because I knew she would not be here. There would be no phone call or card in the mail. There would be no easily recognized voice singing to me over the phone. I knew she would be painfully absent. Yet somehow, Grandma showed up...in a duck.

Before you think I need to get a grip on reality, let me explain :) When Jule was 5 weeks old, his reflux was so bad that all he did was cry day and night when he wasn't asleep. So, with Kevin's agreement, the kids and I flew to Indiana for 3 weeks to get some help. While my Mom and Dad had to work, my grandparents were all retired and had plenty of time to play with 2 1/2-year-old Noly, and screaming Jule. One day, when we were at my granparents', Noly became obsessed with this duck. Grandma had many little duck figurines, and Noly loved dragging this one around. Since Noly and Jule had two grandmas and two great-grandmas, my dad's parents quickly became known as Grandma & Grandpa Duck. Both kids always knew who we were talking about when we called them by that name.

When Grandma died, Grandpa sent this duck home for Noly to remember Grandma by. It's not something the kids normally play with, but let me tell you...this duck has made so many appearances today. For some reason, the kids kept bringing it to me. I am sad today, but I'm also ok. She IS here today...not in body, soul or spirit. She's here in the deposits she left in my life; she is here in my fond memories of many birthdays spent with her; she is here in my children's memories of her; she is here in this odd little duck that I have no idea why she bought; she is here in the musical gifts God has given me; she's even here in my memories of complete embarrassment when she kissed me goodbye in front of everyone in my college dorm.

God has granted me life...life from a 15-year-old girl and 17 year-old boy's accident. It was no accident to God, and He had plans for me from my very conception. I'm so thankful that God brought such a Godly influence into the life of an unplanned baby, and I treasure the memory of a Grandma whose eyes welled up with tears after spending just a couple of days away from me. I know she loved me greatly, and right now, she is fully experiencing the love of the One who made her. I love you, Grandma. Thank you for always making me feel so loved and celebrated on every single birthday (and every day).

The Studfinder

This weekend, I finally had everything I needed to hang my guitars on the wall. This seems to be the best choice to keep little hands away :) One thing that was VERY important was attaching the mounts to a stud. I had no idea how to find a stud, and Kevin didn't know for sure either, so we bought a studfinder. They look great, and they are not going anywhere.

I started thinking about how important it is to be anchored to the "stud" in our lives. Without God's strength and faithfulness, we would surely come crashing down. But when He is the One that is holding us up, the One we are anchored to, we can be absolutely confident that we are trusting in a secure stronghold. He keeps us safe from the dangers that would destroy us. And no matter how "heavy" we are, He's got it...no problem. I'm glad He is easier to find than a stud ;)

Small Updates

I'm still crying most days when I think about my Grandma, but I know I am just grieving and not depressed. I know this will get better and that it's completely ok to grieve.

The State evaluators called me this week to tell me Jule is completely fine and does not need any type of intervention. They were very impressed with his cognitive skills too! So, with two separate evaluations coming back good, I feel like my first instincts that he is fine have been confirmed! It is a relief to have experts tell you that your feelings are right :)

Noly got her Kindergarten reading evaluations back, and she is reading at a first grade level. I'm so proud of her. She tries to read everything and is very quick to learn blended letter sounds that I teach her. Of course, I would be proud of her even if she was not reading at a K5 level, but it's nice to have some areas in our lives that are not a struggle!

I am back up to 19 migraines in the past month, so I called the Neuro to see if the Botox has been approved by my insurance company. I'm in pain almost daily, and it's miserable. It would be really awesome if the Botox could give me months of relief...and with no pill to add to my system.

Jule has been croup-free for several months now, and I'm happy to say that a happy, giggly little boy is quickly emerging. He is a riot, and he is completely addicted to me (which I am loving). I know it won't last long. Noly is having a hard time when Kevin travels and wants her Daddy to be home all the time, so I do worry a little that it will be hard for her when I am at home full-time and he has to travel more. I will just have to come up with fun things to keep her mind busy, and maybe we can Skype with Kevin some. I'm very much looking forward to being home and having some down time to recover from the past 3.5 years :)

A Birthday Without a Card

I am so sad. It's December, which usually means a lot of celebrating. However, this year December is bringing a lot of pain. My birthday is in a couple of weeks, and it will be the first year of my life that I will not be getting a Birthday card from my Grandma. It breaks my heart. She always found the card that said what she wanted it to say, and she would cross out and write in different words if it wasn't exactly what she wanted to say. She would also underline words in the pre-printed text that meant a lot to her. I'm not one to save cards, but I saved last years because she wrote such a special note in it. Last year, she wrote, "Happy Birthday, you have been such a Blessing and for all the Love and Joy you have given to us. God bless you." How that both rips my heart out and brings me such joy now. If there is anyone I look like, it's her. If it's anyone I act like, it's her.

I just cannot decorate for Christmas this year. I am doing a small tree and special small decorations just for the kids, but they aren't old enough to know that I would usually have a big tree and tons of decorations up by now. Christmas was Grandma's favorite day of the year. It was obvious she lived for it! She would make 5 different desserts, two different meats, several vegetables and whatever else necessary so that everyone there had something on the table that was their favorite. She greatly treasured her family, and it was especially obvious on this day. Just two weeks before she died, I sat with them at dinner while they ate and was coordinating with my Uncle over the phone when we would all be home for Christmas so that we could all be there together, and she just beamed. I didn't know those plans would never happen...nor did she.

When our first baby, Hannah, passed away, Grandma called me to tell me how sorry she was and had to hang up the phone because she was crying so much. It touched me at such a deep level. She had lost her first baby too. She understood, and she wept with me. I am so blessed and so grateful that God gave me someone who my heart was linked to and that I got to have her in my life for almost 37 years. I miss her. I love her. And I know she is having her greatest Christmas yet...she is celebrating Jesus' birth WITH Him. For now, I mourn and grieve, but I know time will bring a certain healing. One day, hopefully many years from now, we will celebrate together again in the presence of the One we celebrate during this season.