Ahhhh....weekend!

We are having a nice weekend. Kevin's parents were able to keep Noly last night, so we took Jule to Costco to stock up on some items we will need after I quit working. We are trying to stock up on a year's supply of TP, Paper Towels, etc. whenever Costco has coupons.

My foot feels like it is healing again, but I'm being careful so that I can hopefully walk soon. We found scooters at Costco and Home Depot and a wheelchair at Kohl's. It was nice to be able to shop a little. Jule was delightful and enjoyed everywhere we took him. He keeps telling me his tummy hurts at random times, which was a little confusing to me. This morning, he had only been up for a few minutes and told me his tummy hurt while smiling. It occurred to me that maybe he is hungry...yep, happy my tummy hurts means hunger; crying my tummy hurts means feeling icky. I'm glad it's getting a little easier to figure him out.

Noly is quickly maturing, and I want her to slow down! She is becoming so independent and is truly helpful with Jule sometimes. Today, she called me from Kevin's parents' house to tell me she went outside with them to pick some little oranges. I'm not sure what they are, but she had a lot of fun picking them. Kevin took Jule out to pick her up, so I got to have some time at home alone. That is always nice! These are the ordinary weekends I crave more of!

Healing and Rebuilding

So, thankfully, the pin did not hurt at all coming out. I told the tech I was nervous, and he assured me it would not hurt. I thought for sure he was just saying that...you know, they often tell you it won't and it does! I heard a pop and looked down, and it was out! The Ortho said I could be off of my crutches but have to wear my boot until the hole seals. I was so excited and walked all over yesterday....and today, I'm paying for it. By last night, I was in unbearable pain, and we had to stay home rather than go to our Small Group Thanksgiving. I got the crutches back out because I want to get some relief. I know the healing will come...in time, it will come. I know this is only temporary.

I was reading Jeremiah 33 today, and it really echoed what I have felt God saying...that He will bring us health and He will "rebuild" us. Verse 6 stuck out to me, "Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security." I don't know that I'll ever know exactly why we have gone through these years of illness, but I know God will bring us healing. Joel 2:25-26 says, "And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpiller, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you. And ye shall eat in plenty, and be satisfied, and praise the name of the LORD your God, that hath dealt wondrously with you: and my people shall never be ashamed."

I remember feeling like I was on top of the world in December 2002. I graduated college and was working my dream job as a Tax Preparer at a CPA firm. I could foresee myself being there forever. I know I'm a nerd, but I loved the challenge of preparing taxes. When I was in the Master's Program, I became pregnant after 10 years of infertility. It was so unbelievable and exciting! My heart was crushed when I found out that our baby had passed somewhere between my 8 week ultrasound and my 11 week. But in that 11 weeks, my heart had changed. All I wanted was to be a Mommy. I discontinued the Master's Program after becoming pregnant and miscarrying numerous times. It was just too much for me emotionally. I had been an intern at the CPA firm, so I was done there once April 15 came and went. I decided I wasn't in any shape to give the commitment that kind of a job demanded.

When I started working for the State and eventually had Noly and Jule, my life became all about them. But a large part of that was my providing them with Insurance through my job. I find myself thinking, "What am I doing? I'm quitting my job at a time when Jule seems to be getting better and we seem to have found a good migraine preventive?" I really have no explanation. But, at the same time, I have the most compelling explanation my mind can find...we're doing our best to follow the Giver of Life. Just as I thought that CPA Firm was the best thing and was wrong, God has such good things planned for me and my family. I'm so thankful for where He is leading us!

The Pin is Coming Out

In a few minutes, I'm heading over to the Orthopedist to get this pin out of my foot! I'm so excited (and scared)! I'm hoping to be able to walk right out of his office.

We had a nice weekend despite both kids being sick again. Noly had a slight fever again Friday night after not having one from Monday thru Thursday. Saturday morning, both kids had horrible sounding breathing and deep coughs. Thankfully, our Pediatrician was the one working this past Saturday, so we got in with him right when they opened. He put them both on oral and nasal steroids, and they both sound much better. Even with all of this, we did not hear a hint of croup! That brings my mommy heart such great joy!

I played keys for church again, and the sermon was excellent! It was basically about how you can't out give God. He was talking about how God blesses your finances when you tithe AND will rebuke the devourer for you. And I realized, as much as he's blessed our two incomes, He will bless us with only one because we will tithe. One income with His blessing and covering is more than enough! It was hard to make the transition to giving a full 10% before Noly was even born, but God has been so faithful to more than cover what we are giving back to Him. He has truly blessed us! Time to go...time to get the pin out!

Bye, Bye Croup

Well, Jule is starting to get over a head cold that started on Sunday. I'm very encouraged that we have not seen any croup. He has been severely stuffed up and coughing, and all of this would have triggered croup in the past. I am hopeful that the increase in his reflux meds will put an end to our frequent companion, Croup! I am also hoping that we will not need to do any of the invasive testing because Jule has simply been through too much already.

I'm scheduled to get my pin out on Monday as long as the xrays look good. I cannot wait to walk again! I'm not sure if my foot will continue to swell after the pin comes out or not; I've read conflicting reports on the internet. It's been amazing to me to discover how much some people will go out of their way to help and others will turn around and pretend you aren't there. I hope it will make me more aware of others needing assistance around me.

I'm having moments of elation when I think about being home with Jule and being able to relax and cuddle with him during the day, and I can't wait to spend the summer with both of my kids doing fun things and hopefully spend a few weeks up North with my parents and extended family. I'm also having moments of fear because I'm leaving the familiar, the seemingly secure, the lunch hours where I can just sit with a friend and relax. Work is not usually truly work for me. It is very low-key most of the time, and it's not difficult. Raising kids....THAT is difficult. I have the utmost respect for those moms who stay at home with their kids. I adore my kids, but I also like having a little break from them during the day. I guess my thoughts are kind-of jumbled. I do firmly believe this is where God is leading our family, so at least my mind isn't jumbled about that! I have several friends who are part of a Bible Study on Thursdays, and I definitely want to be part of that. I'm just doing my best to keep my eyes and ears open to where God is directing. At least after Monday, I will hopefully be able to WALK in that direction!

Labor

I played keys for a retreat our church was having Friday night, and I found myself in tears again. God began showing me that it will not always be like this, and that He has a ministry for me to do. He is going to bring healing to our household. I don't know when it will happen, but He began filling me with a hope for our future, a hope of a more "normal" life. We sang "Your Love Never Fails," "Our God," and "We Still Believe." Some of the phrases that stuck with me were "there may be pain in the night, but joy comes with the morning," "our God is healer, awesome in power," and "though the journey has been hard...Your faithfulness is our reward."

Sometimes, I go back and read my journal to help me remember things that God has been speaking to my heart. It's very easy to forget with the busy buzz of life. I went back to a year ago and read that God had been speaking to me about entering into a time of rest. He was also speaking to me about all of this pain and turmoil being a time of "labor" that will give birth to a ministry. I had completely forgotten about all of this. 2011 has been anything but a time of rest for me. It has been very hard, very trying. It gets to the point where it feels like this is how it will be forever. But God is renewing in me that word..."rest." I believe He is going to bring us a time of health, rest and renewal.

I am praying about what God wants to come out of this time of being at home. Does He want me to move away from Accounting and towards a Ministry? Should I use the time at home to study for and get my CPA license? That would really help me land a good job when it's time to go back to work. However, it would be worthless if God is calling me into a ministry. Definitely, I will be able to spend more time with the kids, and I won't have to use so much of my time trying to prepare for the next work/school day. But my heart really yearns to know what God desires during this time. I don't feel like this is a light decision, and I also feel like it is a life-changing decision. How wonderful life could be when we are not constantly sick and going to doctor appointments! I don't know if my mind can even wrap around what a more normal life is like.

I'm embarking on something I never thought I would do. If I think about it very much, my stomach starts to turn and flip because it is still terrifying to me in some ways. I have to bring my mind back to the truth that God will provide all we need, that He has a plan for our lives, and that we are walking in a direction that He has made vivid and clear to us and that He will continue to guide us as we seek Him.

Resigned

The dictionary definitions of "resign" are as follows:
1. to give up an office or position, often formally
2. to submit; yield: to resign before the inevitable.
3. to give up
4. to relinquish (a right, claim, agreement, etc.).
5. to give or sign over, as to the control or care of another
6. to submit (oneself, one's mind, etc.) without resistance.

In more than one sense, I have resigned. I never thought that the day would come that I would resign from my State job, and certainly not in the state our economy is in. But, I have resigned. My last day of employment with the State will be 1/6/12. I want to give them enough time for me to train someone to fill my spot. I want to treat my boss with the kindness and respect she has shown me, so I'm giving them a 2 month notice.

The reason I am resigning is because I have resigned. I'm giving myself over to the control and care of the One Who has all things in His control. The One Who loves me the most and has higher thoughts and plans for me than I can ever have for myself. As we sat in church Sunday, my husband and I were both struck with the overwhelming confirmation that, indeed, God was leading me to quit my job. We sat in two different services because I played keys for both services, and he did not make it to the first service with the kids. So, here we were, in two different services (though the same sermon), and God spoke the very same thing to our hearts. When we talked last night, I was almost giddy. I actually would prefer to work...it's easier in some ways. But I know enough to know that obedience to God's nudging will result in what is best for my life, for my family, for my heart. Ultimately, God will do a work that will far surpass what can happen when I take my life path into my own hands.

He has been so faithful to bring us these two little treasures, and it has been a very difficult journey for the past three years with Jule's health, etc. I believe He is about to do something new in our lives, and I believe it will result in some heart and life changes for me. And it all started with a stubbed toe. What seemed to be a huge imposition has turned into the very thing that God spoke to our hearts through. We have asked for wisdom, and He answered. We have stood still and are seeing the the salvation of the Lord.

Daycare is going well for Jule, and my migraines only totaled 7 for the month of October. We have definitely seen some improvements in some things. So, it's not about removing Jule from Daycare, and it's not that my migraines are too bad for me to work. It is about obedience. Sensing a move of God and going in that direction. Stepping out in faith that God will provide all we need. Learning to rely on Him more. We're about to jump off of the cliff in faith, knowing that the mighty hand of God will catch us. Ready for the ride?