Lukewarm

It's so easy to become lukewarm. You leave milk out on the counter too long...you get lukewarm. You leave your coffee sitting too long before you drink it...you get lukewarm. Yuck! You leave your heart unchallenged too long, and it also can become lukewarm. I realized that is where I have been, the place between hot and cold.

Growing up in church, it's easy to go through the motions of Christianity. I can even go spend time with orphans in the name of Christ and still be lukewarm. It's a matter of where my relationship with Him is. If I don't spend QUALITY time with Him to stay hot, I will become lukewarm, or even quite possibly cold. I can even read my Bible daily and still not dive into His presence, search for His heart, delight in His embrace.

So, I want to be hot. I want to be passionate. I want to walk about my life living in His presence. Abraham took Isaac to Moriah in obedience because of his close relationship with God. He knew God's character; he was His friend. If I am really, truly spending more time with Him, getting to know Him, I will better be able to do what He asks of me. When adversity comes, I will be less shaken because I will be planted DEEPLY in Him, rooted and blossoming with His beauty.

I don't want to be lukewarm, curdled milk. I want to be delicious, steaming hot coffee (even if I don't like coffee)!

The Purple Crayon

Apparently, Jule wants a purple refrigerator. He did this while I thought he was playing with his new refrigerator toy.

We had an EVENTFUL Christmas. Christmas Eve went perfectly. We had a very nice time with Kevin's family. Then, at 1am on Christmas morning, Jule woke up with breathing problems from croup. We called an ambulance...again. After a few hours at the ER and some steroids, he got to come home. Mom and Dad arrived from Indiana around noon, and we had our Christmas the morning of the 26th.

I had talked with Noly about being grateful even when you don't get what you want. She did an amazing job! I saw her looking all over on Christmas Eve but didn't know what she was looking for. On the way home, she said, "I didn't get the puppy I asked Santa for, but that's ok. I'm still thankful." She was so sweet! I told her that Santa had not come to our house yet. So, on our Christmas morning, we hid her puppy until all of her presents were open. I had actually forgotten about it until she said she was still happy even without the puppy. I hadn't meant to keep it hidden that long. This was her face when she saw it...

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas, and I wish you all a very Happy New Year!

Allergy Testing

Jule had his allergy testing today, and there is not one thing he's allergic to. So, why does he scream and throw up so much? Surely, it's not all just because he has reflux? We really do not have any answers, but I need to set it aside and just enjoy the Holidays. Enough testing for now.

Last Thursday, Noly came down with a tummy bug. She felt really sick to her stomach and didn't eat for a couple of days. She also slept a lot. By Saturday afternoon, she was feeling almost 100% again. She is so excited that Santa is coming to her house soon, and she is really seeming to grasp the birth of Jesus this year. I plan to have her help me make a birthday cake for Him.

I happened to catch "Giulianna & Bill" last night. It was the next episode after the Egg Retrieval. I cried for them when I saw that their Transfer did not work. I have no idea who they are, but I know it had to hurt! I thanked God for giving us our Noly on our first IVF attempt. I don't know how I made it through all of the shots, meds, etc. She was so worth it, and it is so hard for me to believe that her first moments of life were spent in a petrie dish!

I'm so thankful for the children God has given us, and I'm very much looking forward to spending Christmas with them and celebrating the birth of Christ! Merry Christmas!

The Orange Crayon

For the past two weeks, I have lost some of the affection of my #1 fan. Let's just refer to him as Jule to give him some anonymity. You will never guess what has come to replace me...the woman who gave birth to him...an animal puzzle and an orange crayon. Seriously, the animal puzzle is even missing the giraffe; and the orange crayon is, after all, well...a crayon! When I pick Jule up from daycare, he has always run to me shouting my name and jumped happily into my arms, content to leave whatever he had been doing. But last week, he started throwing himself down, clutching the all-important puzzle, and screaming when I picked him up. He also screamed when I picked him up and tried to loosen the orange crayon that he had been coloring with from his grasp. I know it sounds stupid, but it really hurt my feelings. How could something be more important to him than me...the one who feeds and clothes him, the one who cares for him when he is sick, the one who still loves him after nearly 2.5 years of screaming!

But isn't that what I do? It may not be an orange crayon, but I let so many things become more important to me than my Father. I greedily clutch my desires in my hands, and I don't want to let them go even to spend some time with the One Who loves me more than anyone else ever could. I would rather watch TV than have some quiet time with Him. I would rather do what I want than to follow where He is leading. I'm so guilty of that, and I wonder how that leaves Him feeling. I don't want Him to be unimportant in my life...I want him to be #1 in my life. And actually, I don't want to be #1 in Jule's life. I want God to have that spot when Jule is old enough to understand.

I think I will have to be ok with being 2nd place to a crayon, but I want it to remind me to keep God 1st, both in my heart and in my actions.

A Multitude of Thoughts

Jule's biopsy results came back and show that he, indeed, has reflux. It took everything in me not to say, "No kidding" when the Specialist called me with the results. I know he has reflux. What I want to know is why, and what is causing it! They said to keep him on one Prevacid a day and to call them so that we can increase it to two if he gets any worse. Well, he threw up 3 times during the week of Thanksgiving (not from being sick)...is that worse? Is it worse for him to vomit or to have spit-up coming out of his nose? You can probably sense my frustration.

Sometimes, often recently, I find myself tangled in anxiety. There are more questions than answers when it comes to Jule's health. There is more screaming than happy moments for him, and that just should not be true at 2 1/2. Poor Noly says, "I'm so tired of his screaming!" I understand, Noly. I really do. But deeper than that, I want what is causing him to scream to cease...the root of the problem to be uprooted!

Psalm 94:17-19 says, "Unless the LORD had been my help, my soul had almost dwelt in silence. When I said, My foot slippeth; thy mercy, O LORD, held me up. In the multitude of my thoughts within me thy comforts delight my soul." That is what God has been speaking to me. I certainly have a multitude of thoughts. I have a lot of questions, and He is the only One Who can truly hold me up and hold my hand as I continue to walk through this with my son.

As I was flipping through the channels last night, I caught a glimpse of a show called "Bill & Giulianna." I don't really know what the show is about, but she was getting ready to go into the operating room for her Egg Retrieval for an IVF cycle. I could not turn away from the show. I was completely taken in by it. It took me back 6 years, and I vividly remembered going into my own Egg Retrieval. She came out drugged, and I remember coming out drugged. She was smiling about the number of eggs retrieved, and I remember doing the same. I remember telling them I was in no pain and didn't need pain meds. My mother-in-law drove me home, and we were all of 5 minutes away from the Fertility Clinic when the pain came on so strong that I wanted to scream. They retrieved 28 eggs, and it really felt like I could feel where each one was extracted! It's amazing to me how completely I can go back to those moments. And it's even more amazing to me that there was one, single, solitary survivor out of those 28 eggs...our Noly! God was there with me then, and He is here with me now. The cause of the anxiety was different, but it was still anxiety. He has truly brought me great delight in Noly and Jule, and I need to sit with Him and allow His comfort to delight me.

Tidings of comfort and joy to you all!

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone! I know it's a day early, but I also know there's no chance I will be blogging tomorrow : )


So far, all of Jule's testing has come back normal! I am very thankful for that, but a little sad that they didn't find out what the problem is. His next tests will be an Upper GI and allergy testing. He has really suffered with the tests he's been through, and I was thinking about that last night. God watched His Son suffer...for me...for you...for sinful mankind. I get very upset when Jule is afraid or hurting or suffering in any way, and I am so thankful to God that His Son did suffer so that I could be saved. I'm thankful for the sacrifice Jesus made so that my son (and daughter) could spend eternity in Heaven.

So, Happy Thanksgiving to all of you! What are you thankful for?

GI Specialist

We have finally gotten to a point that we realized we needed Jule to see a GI Specialist. I think I had gotten so used to Jule spitting up and vomiting that I didn't really think about the fact that it wasn't normal to continue this long. I mentioned his spitting up in passing to one of the NPs at the Pediatrician's when they were, once again, checking him for croup. She told me it was very much not normal for him to be like this. So, Jule and I headed to the hospital yesterday for what I thought would just be a consultation...you know, just talking and maybe looking Jule over. I was very wrong. She was very concerned and sent him for an xray and a blood draw. Jule was terrified of all of the things in the xray room and screamed until he dry heaved and dry heaved. I had to hold him down on the xray table flat and then turn him on his side when he heaved. It was HORRIBLE. Then, I had to take him for a blood draw. I felt so bad for him. I took him back to my office and let him nap next to me on my floor while I worked.

Jule has forgotten about all of it already, but I was quite traumatized. Seeing him go through something he feared but not being able to explain it to him was so hard. He just doesn't understand, and it breaks my heart. It made me think about God, as our Father, last night. Many times we are going through things we fear or even things that may actually hurt. Many times, when I have felt fear and knew I shouldn't, I felt like maybe God was mad at me because I just couldn't seem to conquer my fear. But that's not a Father's heart. It didn't make me mad that Jule feared the xray. Why, then, would it make God mad when His children are afraid? Even though we don't understand, and He understands completely, I'm sure He is moved with compassion when His children suffer.

I am asking God for peace as we have to take Jule back for a Delayed Gastric Emptying study, which involves multiple xrays over 4 hours. I would appreciate your prayers for little Jule and for Kevin and I as we go for this study next week. We are praying that God reveals what is causing all of Jule's discomfort and frequent stridor.