Changes

I can feel change coming. There are parts that I can share right now, and there are other parts that will have to remain unspoken prayer requests until the time comes for me to share them.

Starting in May 2010, we will lose our babysitter. She is retiring after 28 years to be at her youngest son's ballgames and to be more available for her aging parents. We have been very blessed to have her as a part of Noly & Jule's lives, and we will miss her dearly. That said, I know that God has a perfect plan and that He has someone special already waiting to watch the kids. Jule will be nearly two by then, and Noly will be 4 1/2. We are hoping to start Noly in school in August 2010, so she will not be with the new sitter for very many hours each day. Since her birthday is in October, she will be in the 4's class next year even though she will turn 5 shortly after school starts. She looks more like a little girl who's ready for school every day and not like a toddler...

The second change is school, which involves yet another possible change. Noly went to a small church-run preschool last year as part of the 2's class. She loved it! We are taking her out of school this year to try to keep all of us healthy, but she will be going somewhere next year....but where. We have two schools in mind. One of them is right down the road from where we live now, and the other one is at our church. It is 30 minutes away with no traffic and equally as far from my work, so that is not an option UNLESS we sell our house and move closer to the church. It would make my commute a lot longer every day, but we may decide it's worth it. I'm praying that God makes all of these decisions clear to us.

The last possibility of change is very close to my heart. I wish I could share it, but I just feel I can't at the moment. I've been thinking about it a lot, and I was praying about it as I drove out for lunch today. An OLD song from 4 Him was playing called "Puzzles"

I remember that first day I heard Your voice
I could feel Your quiet peace drown away the noise
Your oracle of truth still rings in my head
I've come to know my path just as You said
And I see the sham, the lie that swallows the man
People need to see

CHORUS
It's a dangerous life without Your wisdom for our ways
It's a gamble with time when we don't hear You when You say
You're the Light of the world I pray that all will see
Only You know the way to put our puzzles into place

There's a fire dark as night in an evil rage
Spreading power to searching souls at a deadly wage
I want to scream a plea, a warning sign
Take the stutter from my step, don't let my tongue be tied
Piece after piece, Your love in holy relief
Into the picture You have seen

REPEAT CHORUS

Light up the shadows
Expose the deception
Reveal the illusion
Unscramble the puzzles
People need to see

I'm praying that each "piece" falls into place to form a beautiful picture. The verse for the day on BibleGateway.com is Romans 12:4-5 "Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.” It makes me think of the body of Christ as one big puzzle, fitting together, and making one big, beautiful portrait of Christ!

Noly's First Trip

Saturday, Noly will be taking her first trip without me. Kevin is flying her to Indiana to be with my parents for two weeks. He will get her to my mom then turn around and fly back home. Noly is so excited because she is the only one who gets to go stay with Grammy & Papa. I'm both excited and sad...it will be nice to only have one child for a couple of weeks, but I will miss Noly terribly! I think they will keep her busy enough that she won't miss home too much, and she will get to see all of her great-grandparents, cousins, & great-aunts and great-uncles. My dad will fly her back two weeks later and will stay one night with us to see Jule.

Since this was her last weekend home for two weeks, we tried to do some extra fun things with her. Kevin took her swimming, and we took both kids to the Park. Noly loved it, but Jule isn't quite old enough to enjoy it. He was tired and scared of the swing & slide. He clung to me and watched all the kids play. It was so nice to get out of the house with the kids...neither one of them was sick for once! Kevin's parents are keeping Noly tomorrow while I work, so tomorrow will be a fun day for her too!


I'm still feeling overwhelmed, but it gets so much better when we are all healthy. I think being able to leave the house helps a lot, and having the kids happy because they are feeling well also helps. Jule was a happy boy this weekend and even spent a lot of time trying to walk. I think he made it up to 7 steps before he fell. I can't wait until he walks because carrying a 26-lb baby is so tiring! I'm praying that all four of us stay healthy for at least more than a few days now!!!

More Than We Can Handle?

The events of the last 13 months have led me to question if I have more than I can handle. I really feel like I do. From Jule starting out his life in the NICU then turning into a refluxing fountain and screaming almost every waking moment to our arrival at a solid 9 months of sickness with very little healthy time in between, I feel like I'm in a free-fall and like I'm in over my head. I started thinking about how I have heard so many people say, "God doesn't give us more than we can handle." But is that really true? I don't remember reading that in the Bible. I do remember this verse that I think that phrase is based upon: I Corinthians 10:13. Here it is in various versions:

KJV "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."

NIV "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."

New Living Translation "The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure."

The Message "No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it. "

All of these translations seem to point to the same thing: temptation...not just plain old living and circumstances. What I have come to realize, at least at this point in my life, is that sometimes we DO have more on our plate than we can handle. It is often those times that we rely solely on God for strength.

I feel like God's strength is all I'm going on right now because I just don't have it in me anymore to keep up with all of the sickness, all of the doctor appointments, etc. I also believe that a time will come when it won't be like this; and at that point, I need to remember to cling to God just as much as in a time like this. I ache for my friend, Whitney, whose 7-year-old has cancer and is going through treatment. She has way too much on her plate, but she is clinging to God, and He'll carry her through it.

In the Psalms, there were many times that David was feeling overwhelmed. The following Psalm reflects it, and I choose to run to God just like he did...

Psalm 63:1 "O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water."

Perspective

Last night, we had music rehearsal. It has been two months since I last sang because I only sing once a month; and last month, the teens did the service the weekend I was scheduled to sing. I was SERIOUSLY considering cancelling this weekend, and the reason....anxiety.

I have been having such a terrible time with anxiety lately. It seems like it began when Jule was born and was immediately hospitalized, and it has grown and grown with each health problem that has come our way. I have anxiety about his breathing, I have anxiety about taking care of two sick children alone when my husband is out of town, I have anxiety about how many sick days I'm using at work, and sometimes I have a hard time leaving the house because the anxiety can make me so sick to my stomach. All to say...I'm having a slight problem here : )

The doctor did give me Ativan to help when I need it periodically, and I rarely take it. However, I feel like I've needed it a lot lately. I thought the summer would bring health and vitality to the three of us, but we have continued to catch virus after virus. Jule continues to get croup on a regular basis, AND he continues to cry for hours with a few days sprinkled in here and there of happiness. He is BETTER than he was, but he is still a very difficult baby.

I actually wasn't the least bit surprised to find out that one of this weekend's topics is going to be dealing with anxiety. God really does have perfect timing, doesn't He? We began our vocal rehearsal with a time of prayer over each individual who would be singing this weekend. There were many tears shed, and I noticed some recurring topics...so much stress, so much to do, so many hard things that life is throwing at us. After we ended our prayer time, we began singing and choosing which parts we would sing. There was a lot of laughter and so much oneness in spirit.

After we were done with vocals, we went downstairs to join the band. Only this week, we did not practice with the band. Instead, Eddie walked us through the weekend's services. We all sat in the dimly-lit worship center and listened to a worship CD about going up to the mountain...the place where God's glory dwells. It was something like "Take me up to the mountain. Take me to the place where Your glory dwells." I'm sure those are not the right words, but what I began to see as I closed my eyes is that I was looking down on my life. It was all about my perspective. From the mountain, my anxiety and worries seemed so small. I was with God; there was nothing to fear. Everything that seemed to surround me and swirl around my head was suddenly way under my feet (or better, Christ's feet).

Then, the song switched over to "Breathing the Breath." It's lyrics are "We are breathing the breath that You gave us to breathe to worship You, to worship You. And we're singing these songs with the very same breath to worship You, to worship You." It made me keenly aware that the very breath I breathe is from God, and His life and love are moving in and through me. The God of the universe dwells in me and is in my corner. Anxiety truly has no place. I am very excited to see what God is going to do in the services this weekend, and I'm praying that He changes me...as the music plays...as Eddie speaks...and as I live my life for Him. I want my anxiety to dissipate, even if my situation doesn't change. I want to change...I want my perspective to change.

Jule's Allergy Results

I am so happy to report that Jule's allergy panel came back completely negative. He is not allergic to any foods or environmental allergens! So, his two episodes of hives must have both been related to his croup viruses. That makes me feel way less paranoid about letting Noly have anything with nuts anywhere near him.

I'm beginning to feel very, very horrible. We made the decision to take Noly out of preschool this year to try to help she and Jule stay healthy. We are still having only a week or two of feeling good before someone ends up sick, so it looks like it's still a good decision. However, I talked to the babysitter and found out that the other two 4-year-olds are going to school every day starting in September. Noly LOVED the school last year, and it is only a couple of blocks away from the sitter's house. I feel like a bad mommy because she will want to go to school, and I can't really explain to her why she can't go. She wouldn't understand what it means to try to keep the germs to a minimum. Next year, she can go to the 4-year-old class at one of the Christian schools we have chosen. Jule will be two then, and his reflux/croup episodes should be so much better given another year to outgrow them.

I don't want to hurt her feelings. I'm trying to come up with something to help her feel special about being the oldest child at the sitter's. It will just be her, Jule and another baby. I thought of having a special box each week with activities she can do by herself while the babies play. Maybe I can pack a special movie for her to watch on some days too. I'm stocking up on school supplies when I see sales so that I can have a variety of activities for her to do, but it doesn't help me feel any better : ( Next year, she can go to school with all of the other kids. For now, I'm hoping and praying she's not too upset when she discovers that she's not going. Sometimes it's hard being a mommy!

Instant Gratification

I was listening to the radio the other day, and the DJ said something that stood out to me. "God doesn't always give us what we want or ask for immediately." Granted, I KNOW that, but I so often act like I'm surprised when He doesn't. In fact, sometimes His answer is no.

I thought about my own kids and how spoiled and ungrateful Noly would be if I gave her everything she wanted right when she wanted it. Sometimes my answer is that she has to wait for it, and other times it is just no. I don't always give her a reason because sometimes the reason is beyond the scope of her understanding. Sometimes, the answer is no because allowing her to do something would bring her harm. She doesn't know it and can't foresee it, but I can.

I believe that God is the same way. We would be spoiled brats if He gave us everything we wanted, and we would suffer much harm if He allowed us to have some of the things we ask for. I don't understand why I had to go through so much to have children, but I trust that God's plan is perfect, and He always has my best interest at heart. I also believe that some things happen if only for the fact that we live in a fallen world. AND I believe it breaks His heart when we go through things that cause us grief as a result of living in this fallen world. I know that there are times when my heart breaks for my children.

Monday, Jule had a blood draw for allergy testing. Twice now, he has broken out in hives. It took me and two nurses to hold him down, and he screamed like we were killing him, but I knew it had to be done. It hurt him, but it had to be done for his own future safety. Certainly, he didn't understand it, but I know it will help me make decisions that will better protect him. I've already seen him struggle to breathe on more than one occasion, and if I can stop it from happening again, I will!

During this ordeal, our Pediatrician (did I mention before how much we love him?) heard his blood-curdling screams and came in the room and whisked Noly away with him for a popsicle. It gave me such a picture of God because there are times that He pulls us out of the pain and gives us a popsicle...just like He pulled me from the pain of miscarriage and gave me my two babies! Noly wasn't in any danger, but the doctor did not want her to get upset. Scott Krippayne sings a song "Sometimes He Calms the Storms," and it perfectly depicts what this post is about:

V1.All who sail the sea of faith find out before too long
How quickly blue skies can grow dark and gentle winds grow strong
Suddenly fear is like white water pounding on the soul
Still we sail on knowing that our Lord is in control

C.Sometimes He calms the storm with a whispered peace be still
He can settle any sea but it doesn't mean He will
Sometimes He holds us close and lets the wind and waves go wild
Sometimes He calms the storm and other times He calms His child

V2.He has a reason for each trial that we pass through in life
And though we're shaken we cannot be pulled apart from Christ
No matter how the driving rain beats down on those who hold to faith
A heart of trust will always be a quiet peaceful place

No More Holes

Yesterday, we began the process of redecorating Noly's room. In the past, it has been bright blue with a Pottery Barn flower decor. Now that she is getting a twin-sized bed, she wants Hello Kitty decor, and that definitely does not match the bright blue walls! Last night, Kevin and I went to Home Depot and picked out some "Root Beer" and "Little Piglet" paint so that I could paint her room before we get the bed set up. We emptied Noly's room so that there was plenty of room to paint. Her toys are covering our room right now, and all of the room on our floor is taken up by an airmatress for her to sleep on until her room is ready.

After the room was empty, I began to prepare the walls for painting. I looked around at all the holes that were in the walls...there were tons! So, I got the spackle and began to fill every hole. I thought, "Once I'm done painting, you will never know the holes were even there!" Then it hit me, isn't that how it is with God! Once we repent of our sins, the "holes" are no longer there. Psalm 103: 12 says, "As far as the east is from the west, so far hath He removed our transgressions from us." When He looks at us, He does not see our "walls" filled with scars and holes. He sees His creation...beautiful, seamless walls. I think if we could just get His view of us into our heads, we would have such a different view on life. It's hard, though, because our human mind is just that...human. We are His unique, beautiful creation, freshly covered by His blood. AND He's the complete filler of our holes...not just where our sins are involved, but He does what we can't and gives us strength where we lack. He's so much more than my $3.87 jar of spackle!

On the home front...Noly is doing well. She is learning more about her letters daily. She is doing well with writing her name but gets frustrated easily if it's not perfect. That's my girl! Jule had his one-year appointment yesterday. He was 26 lbs 2 oz, 31 inches long & had a head circumference of 19 I think. I'm not sure of his % because, once again, there was too much drama for me to remember to ask. I asked for allergy testing for him, and he screamed through the whole blood test! I'm sure it hurt because his little hands are just so chubby that it was hard to find a vein, but the nurse did! He also got a finger prick and one shot. I had to give him a lollipop to get him to stop screaming. Then, once we got to the car, I accidentally pinched his leg in the seatbelt! Of course, he started screaming all over again. Poor little guy. I felt so bad! We should get his allergy results in about a week.

I'm still having anxiety issues. I'm taking Ativan here and there when I need it, but I'm sure that I'll get back to my normal self when the stress calms down a little again. Until then, I have a lot of painting to do. This is the first time I've painted a room pink.