A Multitude of Thoughts

Jule's biopsy results came back and show that he, indeed, has reflux. It took everything in me not to say, "No kidding" when the Specialist called me with the results. I know he has reflux. What I want to know is why, and what is causing it! They said to keep him on one Prevacid a day and to call them so that we can increase it to two if he gets any worse. Well, he threw up 3 times during the week of Thanksgiving (not from being sick)...is that worse? Is it worse for him to vomit or to have spit-up coming out of his nose? You can probably sense my frustration.

Sometimes, often recently, I find myself tangled in anxiety. There are more questions than answers when it comes to Jule's health. There is more screaming than happy moments for him, and that just should not be true at 2 1/2. Poor Noly says, "I'm so tired of his screaming!" I understand, Noly. I really do. But deeper than that, I want what is causing him to scream to cease...the root of the problem to be uprooted!

Psalm 94:17-19 says, "Unless the LORD had been my help, my soul had almost dwelt in silence. When I said, My foot slippeth; thy mercy, O LORD, held me up. In the multitude of my thoughts within me thy comforts delight my soul." That is what God has been speaking to me. I certainly have a multitude of thoughts. I have a lot of questions, and He is the only One Who can truly hold me up and hold my hand as I continue to walk through this with my son.

As I was flipping through the channels last night, I caught a glimpse of a show called "Bill & Giulianna." I don't really know what the show is about, but she was getting ready to go into the operating room for her Egg Retrieval for an IVF cycle. I could not turn away from the show. I was completely taken in by it. It took me back 6 years, and I vividly remembered going into my own Egg Retrieval. She came out drugged, and I remember coming out drugged. She was smiling about the number of eggs retrieved, and I remember doing the same. I remember telling them I was in no pain and didn't need pain meds. My mother-in-law drove me home, and we were all of 5 minutes away from the Fertility Clinic when the pain came on so strong that I wanted to scream. They retrieved 28 eggs, and it really felt like I could feel where each one was extracted! It's amazing to me how completely I can go back to those moments. And it's even more amazing to me that there was one, single, solitary survivor out of those 28 eggs...our Noly! God was there with me then, and He is here with me now. The cause of the anxiety was different, but it was still anxiety. He has truly brought me great delight in Noly and Jule, and I need to sit with Him and allow His comfort to delight me.

Tidings of comfort and joy to you all!

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone! I know it's a day early, but I also know there's no chance I will be blogging tomorrow : )


So far, all of Jule's testing has come back normal! I am very thankful for that, but a little sad that they didn't find out what the problem is. His next tests will be an Upper GI and allergy testing. He has really suffered with the tests he's been through, and I was thinking about that last night. God watched His Son suffer...for me...for you...for sinful mankind. I get very upset when Jule is afraid or hurting or suffering in any way, and I am so thankful to God that His Son did suffer so that I could be saved. I'm thankful for the sacrifice Jesus made so that my son (and daughter) could spend eternity in Heaven.

So, Happy Thanksgiving to all of you! What are you thankful for?

GI Specialist

We have finally gotten to a point that we realized we needed Jule to see a GI Specialist. I think I had gotten so used to Jule spitting up and vomiting that I didn't really think about the fact that it wasn't normal to continue this long. I mentioned his spitting up in passing to one of the NPs at the Pediatrician's when they were, once again, checking him for croup. She told me it was very much not normal for him to be like this. So, Jule and I headed to the hospital yesterday for what I thought would just be a consultation...you know, just talking and maybe looking Jule over. I was very wrong. She was very concerned and sent him for an xray and a blood draw. Jule was terrified of all of the things in the xray room and screamed until he dry heaved and dry heaved. I had to hold him down on the xray table flat and then turn him on his side when he heaved. It was HORRIBLE. Then, I had to take him for a blood draw. I felt so bad for him. I took him back to my office and let him nap next to me on my floor while I worked.

Jule has forgotten about all of it already, but I was quite traumatized. Seeing him go through something he feared but not being able to explain it to him was so hard. He just doesn't understand, and it breaks my heart. It made me think about God, as our Father, last night. Many times we are going through things we fear or even things that may actually hurt. Many times, when I have felt fear and knew I shouldn't, I felt like maybe God was mad at me because I just couldn't seem to conquer my fear. But that's not a Father's heart. It didn't make me mad that Jule feared the xray. Why, then, would it make God mad when His children are afraid? Even though we don't understand, and He understands completely, I'm sure He is moved with compassion when His children suffer.

I am asking God for peace as we have to take Jule back for a Delayed Gastric Emptying study, which involves multiple xrays over 4 hours. I would appreciate your prayers for little Jule and for Kevin and I as we go for this study next week. We are praying that God reveals what is causing all of Jule's discomfort and frequent stridor.

God is Up to Something

It seems God is up to something I don't understand : ) For a long time now, I have not been writing songs like I used to. I felt like I was wasting my time. Until recently...we joined our new church, and there is something stirring in me. I have been staying up very late, every night, writing songs. There is a new excitement in me that I matter (outside of being a mommy, wife, and accountant). Music has been my passion since I was around 4 years old, and I used to keep musician hours...until I became an accountant and had to be to work early! So right now, I am very tired, but I'm also full of anticipation of what God can do. I consider any song a huge success if it touches just ONE heart, if it changes just ONE life. I'm not aiming for the millions here...just the one. God is speaking so many things to me that I cannot share on a public forum, but I can say that I believe He is going to begin something new and different in our lives. I know the plans He has for me are good!

I'm sure I will have more to share later, but I'll leave you with the idea that started last night's song...

We tend to plan out our lives. We will be married with 2.5 kids by the time we are 28. We'll have a good-paying job in the field we desire, and we will have a beautiful home with no problems paying our bills. I compare this to a drawing in your driveway. You draw out all of the plans you have for your life with sidewalk chalk. It looks stunning and beautiful with all of the colors. There is so much detail in each portion of the drawing that you can hardly stand the anticipation....then it starts to rain. There goes your drawing. There goes your ability to have children. Instead, you have infertility or miscarriages. Maybe you don't even find a spouse. You lose out on the job you planned on having, and you lose your house because you can't afford to keep it and make the payments. That nasty rain!

Then you realize that God didn't have the same plans for you that you laid out in your drawing. He had a different calling for you. And as the rain destroys all of the plans that you have for yourself, it opens you up to HIS plans for you. Just as the rain brings so much pain from the devastation of unfulfilled dreams, it brings so much joy and fulfillment down the road when God's desires for you emerge. Sometimes the rain brings relief from pain, like the pressure of a migraine is realeased when it rains! What do we do with the rain? Get mad and hold a grudge because it ruined our painting? Or embrace the pain and go forward knowing that God's plans remain unchanged as His Word says in Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"!

The Walls of Jericho

I was reading Hebrews 11 yesterday. It is called the "Faith Chapter" of the Bible, and I absolutely love it. Verse 1 says, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." I think there are so many times in life that we just have to live on faith. I had to live in faith that I would have the child I hoped for, the child I believed God had promised me. Right now, I have to live in faith that, someday & somehow, my migraines will get better!

I read verse 30, "By faith the walls of Jericho fell, after the people had marched around them for seven days." I wonder how the people felt as they marched around that wall in obedience to God. Seven days is a long time to march, and I would think that there would be a lot of time for your mind to wonder if it was really a great idea. Can you imagine the feeling of elation you would have when the walls fell down after you had been walking and walking for seven whole days? What a celebration! What a testimony to what God can do when you have faith! What victory God place into their hands simply because they had faith and obeyed!

Whatever your "walls" may be, hold on to faith. Hold on to the promise that God CAN do what He says He will do. Continue to march, whether it's seven days or seven years, because we serve a faithful God.

There is a song that 4 Him sang MANY years ago, and it really spoke to me in the years that I was miscarrying and trying to have a baby. The lyrics are a little long but worth reading if you have the time:

A long time ago near a city called Jericho, a band of soldiers all gathered around.

Joshua said, "When it's time to go, you'll be marching to the rhythm of the trumpet sound."

Oh, there were those who still had their doubts that they could take the town

But don't you know, they became believers when the walls came down.

CHORUS Where you gonna be when the walls come down, Tell me

Where you gonna be?

Where you gonna be when the walls come down, Tell me

Where you gonna be?

Where you gonna be when the walls come down?

Well, some people pray for a miracle everyday; at times they wonder where Heaven has gone.

Though everyone says just to keep the faith, it's so hard to keep believing when it takes so long.

Oh, once again, try to reach beyond the walls you can't get through

And don't give in, or you'll miss the answer that He has for you.

If you really believe in what you're askin', then just leave it up to Him.

You just rest assured that it's gonna happen. It's just a matter of when.

Hebrews 10:35-36, "So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised."

Great Advice

I heard something really awesome on the radio today. It was talking about Motherhood and how it can be all-consuming...and it is! I believe one of the ladies had teenagers and the other one had younger children, and they were talking about change. They said that everything in life does change. Your children grow up, your relationship with your spouse changes, etc. They were also talking about how God is the constant, the only One that doesn't change in this ever-changing world. So, the way to survive your children growing up and the way to keep from losing who you are in motherhood is to maintain your relationship and your time with God. Let that be your constant through these years of immense change. What a nugget of wisdom!

I admit that it is really hard to find and/or make time for God with the craziness of day-to-day life, but I know it will be worth it if I do. It was so comforting to think that I could actually HAVE a constant in the midst of everything we've gone through and are going through. But it is so true. HE has been my rock, my shield, my fortress that I run to and hide through so many things. Even before my kids existed, God was my constant. And long after they leave the walls of our home, He will be my constant. Kind of like Desmond in LOST. I really need a constant today!

Speech Therapy

About a month ago, I came to the realization that Jule's speech was very behind. I got a referral to a Speech Pathologist, and his evaluation was so sad to me. His Expressive age (what he says) was only 11 months old when he was actually 25 months, and his Receptive age (what he understands) was only 15 months. This completely broke my mommy heart, but I believe that he will catch up with the help of his awesome speech therapist, Sarah.

She is working with him on speaking and also on signing. He seems to be progressing well, but he is still way behind his peers. I think this is why he is so frustrated and screams so often. He is unbelievable with puzzles, to the point that he impressed Sarah; but he won't ask for milk or juice or even say drink...he just screams. Fun for Mommy & Daddy...not. He is now saying, "Open, Please, More, Puzzle, Princess, Ribbit-Ribbit, Ssssss" and he signs for "More" very well! He has his own sign for "Please," which is actually very cute.

Developmentally, he is right on target. He just has a hard time expressing what he wants. Sarah believes it's probably because of the constant sickness he has had all of his life, coupled with recurring ear infections. I'm so ready for him to be healthy and to start blossoming verbally. We are making extra efforts to help him learn how to say and understand new words/concepts. We love our little pumpkin, and we can't wait for what we've been waiting for since he was 4 weeks old...for the screaming to stop!!! And it will!