God is Up to Something

It seems God is up to something I don't understand : ) For a long time now, I have not been writing songs like I used to. I felt like I was wasting my time. Until recently...we joined our new church, and there is something stirring in me. I have been staying up very late, every night, writing songs. There is a new excitement in me that I matter (outside of being a mommy, wife, and accountant). Music has been my passion since I was around 4 years old, and I used to keep musician hours...until I became an accountant and had to be to work early! So right now, I am very tired, but I'm also full of anticipation of what God can do. I consider any song a huge success if it touches just ONE heart, if it changes just ONE life. I'm not aiming for the millions here...just the one. God is speaking so many things to me that I cannot share on a public forum, but I can say that I believe He is going to begin something new and different in our lives. I know the plans He has for me are good!

I'm sure I will have more to share later, but I'll leave you with the idea that started last night's song...

We tend to plan out our lives. We will be married with 2.5 kids by the time we are 28. We'll have a good-paying job in the field we desire, and we will have a beautiful home with no problems paying our bills. I compare this to a drawing in your driveway. You draw out all of the plans you have for your life with sidewalk chalk. It looks stunning and beautiful with all of the colors. There is so much detail in each portion of the drawing that you can hardly stand the anticipation....then it starts to rain. There goes your drawing. There goes your ability to have children. Instead, you have infertility or miscarriages. Maybe you don't even find a spouse. You lose out on the job you planned on having, and you lose your house because you can't afford to keep it and make the payments. That nasty rain!

Then you realize that God didn't have the same plans for you that you laid out in your drawing. He had a different calling for you. And as the rain destroys all of the plans that you have for yourself, it opens you up to HIS plans for you. Just as the rain brings so much pain from the devastation of unfulfilled dreams, it brings so much joy and fulfillment down the road when God's desires for you emerge. Sometimes the rain brings relief from pain, like the pressure of a migraine is realeased when it rains! What do we do with the rain? Get mad and hold a grudge because it ruined our painting? Or embrace the pain and go forward knowing that God's plans remain unchanged as His Word says in Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"!

The Walls of Jericho

I was reading Hebrews 11 yesterday. It is called the "Faith Chapter" of the Bible, and I absolutely love it. Verse 1 says, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." I think there are so many times in life that we just have to live on faith. I had to live in faith that I would have the child I hoped for, the child I believed God had promised me. Right now, I have to live in faith that, someday & somehow, my migraines will get better!

I read verse 30, "By faith the walls of Jericho fell, after the people had marched around them for seven days." I wonder how the people felt as they marched around that wall in obedience to God. Seven days is a long time to march, and I would think that there would be a lot of time for your mind to wonder if it was really a great idea. Can you imagine the feeling of elation you would have when the walls fell down after you had been walking and walking for seven whole days? What a celebration! What a testimony to what God can do when you have faith! What victory God place into their hands simply because they had faith and obeyed!

Whatever your "walls" may be, hold on to faith. Hold on to the promise that God CAN do what He says He will do. Continue to march, whether it's seven days or seven years, because we serve a faithful God.

There is a song that 4 Him sang MANY years ago, and it really spoke to me in the years that I was miscarrying and trying to have a baby. The lyrics are a little long but worth reading if you have the time:

A long time ago near a city called Jericho, a band of soldiers all gathered around.

Joshua said, "When it's time to go, you'll be marching to the rhythm of the trumpet sound."

Oh, there were those who still had their doubts that they could take the town

But don't you know, they became believers when the walls came down.

CHORUS Where you gonna be when the walls come down, Tell me

Where you gonna be?

Where you gonna be when the walls come down, Tell me

Where you gonna be?

Where you gonna be when the walls come down?

Well, some people pray for a miracle everyday; at times they wonder where Heaven has gone.

Though everyone says just to keep the faith, it's so hard to keep believing when it takes so long.

Oh, once again, try to reach beyond the walls you can't get through

And don't give in, or you'll miss the answer that He has for you.

If you really believe in what you're askin', then just leave it up to Him.

You just rest assured that it's gonna happen. It's just a matter of when.

Hebrews 10:35-36, "So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised."

Great Advice

I heard something really awesome on the radio today. It was talking about Motherhood and how it can be all-consuming...and it is! I believe one of the ladies had teenagers and the other one had younger children, and they were talking about change. They said that everything in life does change. Your children grow up, your relationship with your spouse changes, etc. They were also talking about how God is the constant, the only One that doesn't change in this ever-changing world. So, the way to survive your children growing up and the way to keep from losing who you are in motherhood is to maintain your relationship and your time with God. Let that be your constant through these years of immense change. What a nugget of wisdom!

I admit that it is really hard to find and/or make time for God with the craziness of day-to-day life, but I know it will be worth it if I do. It was so comforting to think that I could actually HAVE a constant in the midst of everything we've gone through and are going through. But it is so true. HE has been my rock, my shield, my fortress that I run to and hide through so many things. Even before my kids existed, God was my constant. And long after they leave the walls of our home, He will be my constant. Kind of like Desmond in LOST. I really need a constant today!

Speech Therapy

About a month ago, I came to the realization that Jule's speech was very behind. I got a referral to a Speech Pathologist, and his evaluation was so sad to me. His Expressive age (what he says) was only 11 months old when he was actually 25 months, and his Receptive age (what he understands) was only 15 months. This completely broke my mommy heart, but I believe that he will catch up with the help of his awesome speech therapist, Sarah.

She is working with him on speaking and also on signing. He seems to be progressing well, but he is still way behind his peers. I think this is why he is so frustrated and screams so often. He is unbelievable with puzzles, to the point that he impressed Sarah; but he won't ask for milk or juice or even say drink...he just screams. Fun for Mommy & Daddy...not. He is now saying, "Open, Please, More, Puzzle, Princess, Ribbit-Ribbit, Ssssss" and he signs for "More" very well! He has his own sign for "Please," which is actually very cute.

Developmentally, he is right on target. He just has a hard time expressing what he wants. Sarah believes it's probably because of the constant sickness he has had all of his life, coupled with recurring ear infections. I'm so ready for him to be healthy and to start blossoming verbally. We are making extra efforts to help him learn how to say and understand new words/concepts. We love our little pumpkin, and we can't wait for what we've been waiting for since he was 4 weeks old...for the screaming to stop!!! And it will!

Up

Have any of you ever seen the movie "Up?" I haven't, but I have seen the clips that start out before the husband and wife are married up until she passes away. Unfortunately, they showed it in church, and it was nearly the end of me!

It's amazing to me how quickly I can be taken back to my time of infertility...of miscarriage. I have two beautiful children who literally fill up each minute of my day. But it only took an instant for me to be taken right back to where the pain consumed me, where grief was my constant companion.

There was a very short clip that showed the man and his wife quite obviously sad in some type of baby doctor's office. It was so short, but so devastating. I am not one to cry easily; and the moment I saw it, every part of my body was mourning. I did not want everyone around me to see what a mess I was inside, so I tried to hold it in as much as I could. I could feel my face turn red and could feel the tears streaming down my cheeks, and there I was again...childless, helpless, longing, desiring. It wasn't as if it had just happened yesterday; it was as if it was happening right then...at that very moment. It was as if the doctor had just told me that our baby's heart had stopped beating. It was as if I was staring at yet another negative pregnancy test.

How quickly we remember, yet how quickly we forget. I felt pretty shaken up for several hours, but then I went back to my daily life, my life with children in it. I want to celebrate the life that God has given to my children every day, but I also want to be able to touch that dark place when someone around me needs me to be "there" with them. When someone is aching to hold their child, I want to be able to mourn with them as the Bible says to "Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep." As 9/11 approaches, I've heard the term "May we never forget." And it is so true. May we never forget what God has brought us through to place us where we are. May we never get so comfortable in our blessings that we forget how it felt in the times that we were left without...with empty, longing arms...with dashed desires and dreams...with skinned knees and bruised palms. For it is in those instances that God holds us in the palms of His hands, and we depend on His very breath to sustain us.

Migraine City

Well, I do have something I want to post about, but I have to have both time and health. Basically, I have had 5 migraine-free days in the whole month of August. I increased my Neurontin to 2 pills in the morning, and I'm going to try to increase my evening dose to 2 pills tonight. Please pray the med increase works....more later.

He Knows Us By Name

We just got back from a vacation to Indiana. We did not make it in time for Kristen's funeral, but I was still able to spend time with Karrie, her mom. We took several walks down memory lane, and it was nice to just be with her at a time when she is hurting. Please continue to pray for the whole family as they continue to grieve the loss of their precious little girl.

Noly is in Indiana with my parents for a couple of weeks, so I am cleaning and organizing while she is gone. That way, she won't see what leaves the house ; ) I started going through all of the bags of stuffed animals that we still had stashed away in the garage from our horrible lice nightmare, and I came upon a trash bag FULL of stuffed animals. I debated about getting rid of some of them, but I decided not to...because...she knows each one of them by name, and she would know if even one of them was missing.

Isn't that how God is? He knows us each by name, and He cares about each one of us with a love that we cannot even begin to fathom. He knows me by name; He knows you by name, and He would know if we were "missing."

I John 3:1a

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!"