Once Again, He Is My Hideaway

Back in 2005, when I was pregnant with Noly and scared to death I was going to miscarry my 8th child, I could often be found balling my eyes out. There was one song that brought me great comfort, and I remember driving home from Music Rehearsal one night just weeping. I played the song on the car stereo and had to crank it up and put my leg against the speaker so I could not only hear the song, but also feel the song. Maybe I felt like I needed her to feel the peace of the vibrations. The song was "Sacred Hideaway" by Marty Magehee. I played it over and over until God's peace permeated me. I played it until my heart no longer felt overwhelmed.

Now, I am a person who updates my Facebook status around 2-3 times a day, but since Jule's surgery on Tuesday, I had not updated...until today. This last croup incident left me feeling so utterly helpless, and getting the news that it can happen over and over and over again made my heart feel so overwhelmed. I have felt like my heart has been silent. I had nothing to say...though I played with my kids as I normally would, talked to people at work like I normally would, talked to others around me and pretty much acted normal. But that doesn't mean my heart was normal. My heart was screaming out, "Why can't somebody fix my child!?" In the times I was alone, there were no words...just silence. Then today, as I was driving to church to look at a keyboard for tomorrow's services, I got a picture in my head of 4 Him's CD, "The Message." It's black with white writing all over it. I pulled it out and put it in, and suddenly I remembered...Number 9, "Sacred Hideaway!" I played it, and I played it, and I played it until my heart felt it. "There's a shadow I can't see from a holy canopy that my Father spread for me. When I'm strong or when I'm weak, when I wake or when I sleep. He is watching over me." I felt my silent, overwhelmed heart break into peace, and I finally cried. I felt the weight of the night we rushed to the ER, and I cried. I felt the pain that my very being felt when we got the news of what was found during surgery, and I cried. And I once again felt the Hand that brought my baby girl to me when no other baby had survived in my body, and I cried.

God is with us, and God has Jule covered in His canopy. I can do this if we have to rush to the ER over and over. I can withstand this when I'm underneath His wings. It's not easy, but I have done it, and God will continue to give me what I need to do this. I have to give Jule to Him continually just as I had to give Noly to Him continually when she was inside my belly. His grasp is sure, His grip is firm, and His coverage is complete.