Due Dates

March 19 marked the 6th anniversary of my due date for our first baby that we lost, Hannah Elizabeth. Today, March 29, marks the 2nd anniversary of my due date for the 8th and final baby we lost, Payton Claire. The other 6 losses in between were very early losses, and I don't remember the due dates. Hannah and Payton were with me for 11 weeks and 8 weeks, respectively; and I treasure the moments I had with each of them.

With Hannah, I was still in the Master's Program, so I was working full-time, going to school at night, and coming home exhausted. After 9 years of infertility, I shared my new pregnancy with everyone I was in daily contact with. I was devastated when I found out that her heart had stopped beating. With Payton, I was to the point where I expected her heart to stop beating, so I wasn't a bit surprised. It was still devastating, but it was very different. We had done a Frozen Embryo Transfer, so it was quite a challenge just to get to the point of pregnancy in the first place. Then, I was very sick for the weeks I was pregnant. I chose not to tell most people because I just didn't know if the pregnancy would last.

I know that all 8 of my children are in heaven around the throne of God, and that gives me great comfort. I find that I am sad sometimes when I think of who my babies could have been, but the two babies that came to be with me on this earth bring me an amazing amount of comfort and fulfillment. They bring me so much joy and much laughter for all the tears that I shed. Like Noly, who just cannot understand why I prefer pants and do not like dresses and skirts. After all, I am a girl!! And like Jule, who loudly roared when he saw a picture of lion during the communion at church on Sunday. I love my 10 little gifts, and we will all spend forever in heaven together. God has truly fulfilled His word "He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD." Psalm 113:9

On a different note, Brandi is doing awesome! They took the balloon heart pump out on Saturday, and they took the vent out yesterday! She is doing well, is sitting up, and even left a short video message thanking those who have been praying for her. We have truly witnessed a miracle in our family! When the doctors said there was nothing more they could do, God did! Maybe when she is much better, I could do a blog interview with her. She also went through many years of infertility before getting pregnant with her 1-year-old, Isaac. Thank you all for praying!

Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty

Last night, they had a time of worship in Brandi's ICU room. They sang Revelation Song, which is one of my favorite worship songs right now. Brandi was lifting her hand in worship as they sang around her bed. It is so touching to see how God's presence is totally permeating the hospital room, and He is bringing refreshing and encouragement to my family. I firmly believe that God is ministering to Brandi while she is laying there. Joe posted this as his Facebook status: "Brandi will have many things to share when she's out of here, but I want to share one thing 1st. We were all worshiping (Rev song) One part says filled with wonder at the mention of His name. I asked her after if that was now true for her bcuz we talked a couple wks ago about how it wasn't really for either one of us but we desired it. She shook her head yes she is. Praise the name of Jesus for revealing Himself." How precious is that!

I believe that, with God, all things are possible! Yesterday, I was reading in Mark 5. Verses 35-43 are about Jairus' daughter..."While Jesus was still speaking, some men came from the house of Jairus, the synagogue ruler. "Your daughter is dead," they said. "Why bother the teacher any more?" Ignoring what they said, Jesus told the synagogue ruler, "Don't be afraid; just believe."
He did not let anyone follow him except Peter, James and John the brother of James. When they came to the home of the synagogue ruler, Jesus saw a commotion, with people crying and wailing loudly. He went in and said to them, "Why all this commotion and wailing? The child is not dead but asleep." But they laughed at him. After he put them all out, he took the child's father and mother and the disciples who were with him, and went in where the child was. He took her by the hand and said to her, "Talitha koum!" (which means, "Little girl, I say to you, get up!" ). Immediately the girl stood up and walked around (she was twelve years old). At this they were completely astonished. He gave strict orders not to let anyone know about this, and told them to give her something to eat." We serve the same God that raised Jairus' daughter, and I am praying that God will bring strength to Brandi's fragile heart. I pray that she will live to tell others of how God touched both her physical heart and her spiritual heart!

Silence

Lately, I have been feeling so silent. That's one reason I haven't posted much. The other reason is that I'm having very frequent migraines and can barely look at the computer screen sometimes. I plan to start the new medication that the Neurologist wanted me to try tomorrow night so that I have the whole weekend to see if my body will accept it or not. It is called Neurontin, and you take it 3x a day. I totally don't mind taking pills around the clock if they help!

Right now, my heart is so sad. My cousin Joe's wife, Brandi, is very sick in the hospital and may not make it. She had some Crohn's complications on Monday and is now in the ICU with a newly-discovered heart condition. She is 28 and has two sons, 12 and 1. My heart aches at the thought of her not making it, and we are all praying for a miracle...for the restoration of her heart. Her blood pressure is so low that they can't fully sedate her, so my understanding is that she is communicating some by writing and mouthing words. Last night, her church had a prayer service with praise and worship and they played it in her room via a speakerphone. Right there from her hospital bed, she was worshipping right along with the congregation. I'm praying that God is doing a work in her physical heart that only He can do. The doctors have done all they can and are just watching her. I'm praying that they see a miraculous recovery and that Brandi will live a long life. If you would, I would love it if you would agree with me in prayer.

The song that keeps running through my head is "Need You Here" by Hillsong. Here is the portion that is playing in my head:

I need You here
I need You here
You're like the rain that falls
Fall on this heart and make me new.

God, please give Brandi a new heart. Please bring restoration to her body and life to her blood.

Recent Happenings

A lot has been going on recently, and I'll try to post what I can in as little words as possible:

We went to Palatka, FL on March 5-7 to see Marty Magehee in concert. We left on Friday afternoon, and we were at the hotel by early evening. The kids were so good on the way down thanks to our wonderful DVD player and some delicious snacks! When we were almost to our hotel, we drove by a really cool castle playground. We pointed it out to Noly and told her we would take her there the next day. She really enjoyed herself but would have been happier if I hadn't taken pictures of her!

This was Jule's first time actually playing at a playground because he has been too young to do much. Well, he was still too young to do much but walk around, but he had a wonderful time exploring. Kevin followed Noly, and I followed Jule. We stayed until Noly asked to go get some food!

Saturday afternoon, we all tried to take a nap. Jule decided he would scream and reject the pack n play, so I put him in bed with us. They all took a nice long nap, but Jule crowded me out of the bed, and I was getting a severe migraine. I decided to go get some ice to put on my head, and as I walked by one of the doors, I heard a familiar voice singing. I knocked on the door, and out came Marty. We talked in the hallway for a few minutes, then I went and laid down with my icepack.

The concert that night was amazing! God's presence was there in a very vivid way. I so needed to just sit in God's presence and listen, and He spoke so much to my heart. There was a nice refreshment time after the concert, but my migraine was full-blown by that time, and Kevin had developed a sinus headache. So, we went to the hotel, ate some dinner, and put the kids to bed.

The drive home was rough for me because I had maxed out on my migraine medicine, and I still had a migraine. We ended up stopping at a hotel about half-way home because I was in too much pain to even talk. After eating, sleeping and taking more meds, we were able to get back home at a decent time.

The next morning, Jule woke up with croup. I am happy to report that he was able to get through the croup without a trip to the ER! I'm hoping that he gets a stronger respiratory system as he gets older! Today, I took him in for a sinus infection, but that's nothing compared to croup going haywire on us!

I ended up getting 7 severe migraines in the first 11 days of March, so I decided to bite the bullet and take the preventive meds that I had wanted to avoid. I started Depakote on Saturday and was up sick a lot of Saturday night. I decided to try one more pill, and my stomach felt fine, but I felt like I was losing my mind. I couldn't sleep, was agitated, wanted to crawl out of my skin and felt like I could not concentrate. Kevin called the neurologist on call, and they said to take an Ativan and no more Depakote. So, that's preventive #4 that hasn't worked for one reason or another. I go back to the Neuro Thursday to see what his next plan is. I so badly want to get these migraines to stop. I feel like I'm missing so much enjoyment of my kids' younger years. I love playing with them and delighting in them, and that's hard to do when their little voices make your head hurt worse.

At the concert, Marty read the first few verses of Psalm 40:

"I waited patiently for the LORD; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry. He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings. And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the LORD."

I'm praying that He brings me out of the "pit" of migraines, that my quality of life improves. Even if He doesn't, I'm so grateful and so in love with the little gifts of life He has given me. And even if He doesn't, He will still be my Praise and my Glory.

"Till I Entered the Sanctuary..."

I feel like collapse is on the horizon. We have been sick now for awhile, and I'm getting really sick and tired of being sick and tired. The exploratory surgery went well, and Jule is back to his happy little self again. All last week, my ears were hurting. I ignored it because I didn't want to spend any more money on doctors and because I was trying to get Jule figured out. Since Jule is now better, I went to the doctor this morning. My eustachian tubes are both non-functioning, and I am in so much pain. She gave me decongestant and a nasal spray to try to get them back open, but if they don't, I may need tubes. Grrr! I'm so frustrated!!!

As I was reading Psalm 37, verse 17a stuck out at me..."till I entered the sanctuary of God..." That is where I'm going to find my rest, my peace, my strength for whatever is coming next...the presence of God. The first few verses of Psalm 37 talk about the apparent success of the wicked (including good health), and I found myself relating to David's frustration. Then, there is a transition, a peace, that happens from verse 17 on. This life is not what it is all about. It doesn't really make it easier, but it does redirect my focus. I need some time in His sanctuary!