You know, it's so comforting that God doesn't really rely on my perfection to show Himself. We had a rough rehearsal. It took about an hour to find a sound problem we were having, leaving us not much time to run through quite a few songs. It didn't sound bad, but it felt so confusing and chaotic at times. I have learned over the years that I don't need to worry when this happens. The reason is...it's not about me...it's about God. He doesn't need me to be perfect or always come in on time (though I hope I do). He doesn't need my human accomplishment to aid what He wants to accomplish...He just does it through me.
Worship went well tonight, and the service was very powerful. Looking out over the congregation, I could see that many were letting go of past hurts and offenses and embracing God's healing and freedom. It was this that I spent the week praying for...for God to show up...He did. And I want more freedom to...I want that freedom to grow more as time passes. I want to be more forgiving and more like Jesus each year that passes. It's not easy. It takes continual submission to Him and continual seeking. But He's there. He always meets me where I am, and as I draw near to Him, I know He draws near to me whether I feel it or not.
I'm exhausted. There are two more services tomorrow morning, so I need to get rested up. I am praying that tomorrow brings even more change and joy in the lives of God's people. After all, "He came that we might have life, and that more abundantly."
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Holding onto Offenses
So, our Pastor has been doing a series on offenses. Since we were out of town, I missed the last two weekends, but I caught up on them online this week. I was really praying that God would show me where I've taken offense, and He showed me something as I was praying last night.
I mentioned briefly that my ex-husband was abusive. I realized that, as long as I held onto that offense, I was tied to him and I was bound by the offense. I prayed and asked God to forgive me for being unforgiving to him and for hanging onto all of the hurt that he caused me. As I prayed, I began to picture a little girl in her daddy's blazer. She was laughing and shaking her arms around. And as she shook them, money began to fall everywhere. Coins of all shapes and sizes began to pour out of the sleeves. I wondered what the symbolism in this could be, so I asked God. What He showed me is that holding onto offenses (whether we were truly wronged or not) costs us so much. It costs us our happiness, our joy in life, who we are in Him...the cost is high. But as we release those who have offended us, we become free from that "debt," from the high price we are paying to hold onto our hurt.
I don't want anything to do with that past offense. I want to give it to God and be free. We will be singing a song this weekend for praise and worship that sums it up pretty good. It's called "Moving Forward" by Free Chapel:
Chorus:
I'm not going back
I'm moving ahead
I'm here to declare to You, the past is over
In You old things are made new
Surrender my life to Christ
I'm moving moving forward
V:
What a moment You have brought me to
Such a freedom I have found in You
What a Healer You make all things new
Yeah Yeah Yeah
V:
You have risen With all power in Your Hands
You have given me A second Chance
Hallelujah Hallelujah
Yeah Yeah Yeah
Yeah Yeah Yeah
You make all things new
You make all things new
I will follow You forward
Let's put offenses behind and move forward in a new freedom and in a new enjoyment of life.
I mentioned briefly that my ex-husband was abusive. I realized that, as long as I held onto that offense, I was tied to him and I was bound by the offense. I prayed and asked God to forgive me for being unforgiving to him and for hanging onto all of the hurt that he caused me. As I prayed, I began to picture a little girl in her daddy's blazer. She was laughing and shaking her arms around. And as she shook them, money began to fall everywhere. Coins of all shapes and sizes began to pour out of the sleeves. I wondered what the symbolism in this could be, so I asked God. What He showed me is that holding onto offenses (whether we were truly wronged or not) costs us so much. It costs us our happiness, our joy in life, who we are in Him...the cost is high. But as we release those who have offended us, we become free from that "debt," from the high price we are paying to hold onto our hurt.
I don't want anything to do with that past offense. I want to give it to God and be free. We will be singing a song this weekend for praise and worship that sums it up pretty good. It's called "Moving Forward" by Free Chapel:
Chorus:
I'm not going back
I'm moving ahead
I'm here to declare to You, the past is over
In You old things are made new
Surrender my life to Christ
I'm moving moving forward
V:
What a moment You have brought me to
Such a freedom I have found in You
What a Healer You make all things new
Yeah Yeah Yeah
V:
You have risen With all power in Your Hands
You have given me A second Chance
Hallelujah Hallelujah
Yeah Yeah Yeah
Yeah Yeah Yeah
You make all things new
You make all things new
I will follow You forward
Let's put offenses behind and move forward in a new freedom and in a new enjoyment of life.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
3 Days Until Indiana!
We are leaving Saturday to spend a week in Indiana with my family! We chose to fly this time in order to avoid another driving fiasco like we had at Christmas. We actually want to make it to my parents' house! Our flight will be about 2 hours, then we have about 2.5 hours to drive to get there. I think Jule will be ok with all of that since he lasted the 6-hour trip to Disney. The plan was for Kevin and Noly to sit together and for me to hold Jule. After our doctor visit yesterday, I'm rethinking that plan. He is so heavy and so strong that I had a hard time holding him for the hour we were at the doctor. He fought to get down and threw himself back to play, and I was exhausted by the end. Kevin is much stronger, so I think maybe we should switch kids : ) Jule weighed in at 26 lbs 6 oz yesterday...that's a big boy!
One major goal we have while we are there is to go out to eat without the kids! We have been out alone one time since Jule was born (when Elissa came over to watch the kids). What will it be like to sit in a restaurant and eat??? Sounds relaxing! We also want to visit the Disney Store while we are there, but we want to take at least Noly with us for that. I'm sure we'll spend at least one evening each at my grandparents' houses. I know every time we get up there that it may be the last time we see them. My dad's parents just never seem to have the best health. It is completely obvious that their greatest joy in life is their grandchildren/great-grandchildren. They are the epitome of what you would think grandparents would be. I grew up knowing I was greatly loved, and I love watching them shower that love on my kids.
While I am very excited to get there, I am extremely scared of the process of getting there....the flight. I HATE flying! I would rather drive 24 hours than fly for 2. I'm going to try taking some Ativan this time to see if it helps calm me down, and I hope the 2 hours are not torture to me! Noly loves to fly and is very excited about getting on a plane to go see Grammy & Papa. I'm sure I'll be able to hide my fear from her, but I would really like to relax during the flight. I know, people do it every day, but I don't do it every day...I DON'T LIKE IT!!!
I do feel a little better letting it out, but if anyone reading this wants to pray for a peaceful flight, I would not be opposed to that : )
One major goal we have while we are there is to go out to eat without the kids! We have been out alone one time since Jule was born (when Elissa came over to watch the kids). What will it be like to sit in a restaurant and eat??? Sounds relaxing! We also want to visit the Disney Store while we are there, but we want to take at least Noly with us for that. I'm sure we'll spend at least one evening each at my grandparents' houses. I know every time we get up there that it may be the last time we see them. My dad's parents just never seem to have the best health. It is completely obvious that their greatest joy in life is their grandchildren/great-grandchildren. They are the epitome of what you would think grandparents would be. I grew up knowing I was greatly loved, and I love watching them shower that love on my kids.
While I am very excited to get there, I am extremely scared of the process of getting there....the flight. I HATE flying! I would rather drive 24 hours than fly for 2. I'm going to try taking some Ativan this time to see if it helps calm me down, and I hope the 2 hours are not torture to me! Noly loves to fly and is very excited about getting on a plane to go see Grammy & Papa. I'm sure I'll be able to hide my fear from her, but I would really like to relax during the flight. I know, people do it every day, but I don't do it every day...I DON'T LIKE IT!!!
I do feel a little better letting it out, but if anyone reading this wants to pray for a peaceful flight, I would not be opposed to that : )
Monday, June 8, 2009
Tadpoles and Frogs
We have been so busy, and my migraines have been numerous, so I haven't had much time to post. I marvel at the changes that have taken place in Jule in the past few weeks. He is now crawling all over the place and pulling up on anything he can get his chubby hands on. I told him last night that he would now be considered "cool" because of the way his hair looks (if he were only in high school). He always gives me a glowing smile when I talk to him.
To me, he looks like a 3-year-old and not my little 11-month-old baby. Last night, I was on the phone with my mom, and he was pulling up to the couch, then he would let go knowing full well that he would fall, and he would giggle as his little butt hit the floor. I was laughing at him so hard, which probably encouraged him to do it more!
Noly is becoming such a little mommy. She wraps her kitty and doggy in blankets and kisses them over and over. She puts them to bed in her toddler bed and makes us all be quiet because they are "sleeping." I didn't know how seriously she took this until her little friend, Jade, unknowingly got her kitty out of bed. She was so upset because she needed her sleep! If she only took her own naps this seriously!
The past week, I have been thinking a lot about tadpoles and frogs. When we went to hear Marty sing, Noly dipped a little coffee cup into the lake and pulled out around 10 tadpoles. She filled the cup with grass and weeds...all the lovely things that she imagined the tadpoles would like. We tried to leave the cup behind, but she noticed before we could drive away. So, Kevin gave her the coffee cup, and we prayed that the muddy-water-filled cup would not spill in the truck on the mile drive back to the hotel. It didn't.
On the way to the hotel, I explained to her that these were tadpoles and that tadpoles became frogs just like caterpillars became butterflies. We put the little cup on the dining room table in our hotel, and Noly looked in the cup multiple times a day to check on her "little swimmers." I figured that she just really liked to look at them until she asked me on the last day why they weren't frogs. Ohhh...so all this time, she was looking to see if they had become frogs yet. I told her it wasn't time yet for them to be frogs and that they would be "little swimmers" for a little longer.
When I was singing last weekend, it really hit me that we are like that with God so many times. We keep waiting and waiting on something to happen, and we ask Him WHEN it is going to happen...like I did when we tried for years to have children. I believed the "frogs" would come someday, but I wanted to know when, and I wanted it to be soon...in my time. When I had Jule, all of the "tadpoles" were gone (infertility, miscarriage, high-risk pregnancy), and what emerged were my little "frogs." In His time, I had my little ones in my arms and in my home. And now, when I find myself asking Him "when," I have to remember that only He determines the timing, and that His plans for me far exceed the plans I concoct in my own mind. I'm going to try to enjoy the time of tadpoles in my life, knowing that God will turn them into frogs in His time...new things will awaken with new life and purposes and promises will come to pass as His design for our lives unfolds.
Habakkuk 3:17-19, "Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights. For the director of music. On my stringed instruments."
By the way, we left the tadpoles in the hotel room. We hid them behind a little advertisement sign. Noly never did notice : )
To me, he looks like a 3-year-old and not my little 11-month-old baby. Last night, I was on the phone with my mom, and he was pulling up to the couch, then he would let go knowing full well that he would fall, and he would giggle as his little butt hit the floor. I was laughing at him so hard, which probably encouraged him to do it more!
Noly is becoming such a little mommy. She wraps her kitty and doggy in blankets and kisses them over and over. She puts them to bed in her toddler bed and makes us all be quiet because they are "sleeping." I didn't know how seriously she took this until her little friend, Jade, unknowingly got her kitty out of bed. She was so upset because she needed her sleep! If she only took her own naps this seriously!
The past week, I have been thinking a lot about tadpoles and frogs. When we went to hear Marty sing, Noly dipped a little coffee cup into the lake and pulled out around 10 tadpoles. She filled the cup with grass and weeds...all the lovely things that she imagined the tadpoles would like. We tried to leave the cup behind, but she noticed before we could drive away. So, Kevin gave her the coffee cup, and we prayed that the muddy-water-filled cup would not spill in the truck on the mile drive back to the hotel. It didn't.
On the way to the hotel, I explained to her that these were tadpoles and that tadpoles became frogs just like caterpillars became butterflies. We put the little cup on the dining room table in our hotel, and Noly looked in the cup multiple times a day to check on her "little swimmers." I figured that she just really liked to look at them until she asked me on the last day why they weren't frogs. Ohhh...so all this time, she was looking to see if they had become frogs yet. I told her it wasn't time yet for them to be frogs and that they would be "little swimmers" for a little longer.
When I was singing last weekend, it really hit me that we are like that with God so many times. We keep waiting and waiting on something to happen, and we ask Him WHEN it is going to happen...like I did when we tried for years to have children. I believed the "frogs" would come someday, but I wanted to know when, and I wanted it to be soon...in my time. When I had Jule, all of the "tadpoles" were gone (infertility, miscarriage, high-risk pregnancy), and what emerged were my little "frogs." In His time, I had my little ones in my arms and in my home. And now, when I find myself asking Him "when," I have to remember that only He determines the timing, and that His plans for me far exceed the plans I concoct in my own mind. I'm going to try to enjoy the time of tadpoles in my life, knowing that God will turn them into frogs in His time...new things will awaken with new life and purposes and promises will come to pass as His design for our lives unfolds.
Habakkuk 3:17-19, "Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights. For the director of music. On my stringed instruments."
By the way, we left the tadpoles in the hotel room. We hid them behind a little advertisement sign. Noly never did notice : )
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
It's Audit Season
I finally got caught up on my work for today. Our Fiscal Year-End is June 30, so that means that most people across the University will wait until now to do what they should have been doing year-round...balance their books. This makes the end of May/beginning of June VERY busy for me at work. On top of that, the auditors are here for their preliminary work. It's not a problem...just makes me VERY busy!
Last night, we put Jule to bed at 7:30, and he promptly fell asleep. That is, until 9:00. He woke up crying, and we thought he was probably teething, so we got him up to give him some Motrin. The kind-of nice thing about him is that you can make him happy by giving him undivided attention even if he is in a little pain. So, we played with him until the Motrin kicked in. He ate up the attention. He was crawling around, then looking back at us and smiling. He was babbling non-stop, and we were laughing at him. It was so much fun! Since Noly was asleep, he had us both all to himself, and he loved it! He lasted until 10, and we decided he was going to bed whether he was tired or not. He played in his crib for awhile then fell asleep for the rest of the night.
Kevin woke up in even worse pain today, so we both think that maybe the stone is on the move. This is taking forever! I know he has to be ready to move on with normal life without pain! Hopefully, it will pass before our trip to Indiana so he can enjoy an entire week with help with the kids and nothing pressing to do. I think my dad may try to take Noly fishing. She is very interested in pretend fishing in the swimming pool. I'm not sure what she would think if he took her fishing on a lake. We will be having a first birthday party for Jule while we are there with a bunch of my friends from High School. That will be so fun! I haven't seen most of them in years. We will also enjoy the food at some of the local Amish restaurants...always delicious! My brother is planning to arrive at my parents' house around noon on the 20th. I think we have to leave by 4, and we're hoping to have all three of the grandkids together for a few hours. My parents will love that!
Just 10 more days until a long vacation!
Last night, we put Jule to bed at 7:30, and he promptly fell asleep. That is, until 9:00. He woke up crying, and we thought he was probably teething, so we got him up to give him some Motrin. The kind-of nice thing about him is that you can make him happy by giving him undivided attention even if he is in a little pain. So, we played with him until the Motrin kicked in. He ate up the attention. He was crawling around, then looking back at us and smiling. He was babbling non-stop, and we were laughing at him. It was so much fun! Since Noly was asleep, he had us both all to himself, and he loved it! He lasted until 10, and we decided he was going to bed whether he was tired or not. He played in his crib for awhile then fell asleep for the rest of the night.
Kevin woke up in even worse pain today, so we both think that maybe the stone is on the move. This is taking forever! I know he has to be ready to move on with normal life without pain! Hopefully, it will pass before our trip to Indiana so he can enjoy an entire week with help with the kids and nothing pressing to do. I think my dad may try to take Noly fishing. She is very interested in pretend fishing in the swimming pool. I'm not sure what she would think if he took her fishing on a lake. We will be having a first birthday party for Jule while we are there with a bunch of my friends from High School. That will be so fun! I haven't seen most of them in years. We will also enjoy the food at some of the local Amish restaurants...always delicious! My brother is planning to arrive at my parents' house around noon on the 20th. I think we have to leave by 4, and we're hoping to have all three of the grandkids together for a few hours. My parents will love that!
Just 10 more days until a long vacation!
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
When God Shows Up....
Your husband is in pain from kidney stones for many days...
Your washer breaks when you have 3 different outfits in it that you plan to choose from to sing in just a few hours...
You put on flip flops with your outfit instead of heels (and the flip flops don't match) as you head out the door to sing...
Your stomach is very upset from stress...
But none of it matters because God shows up! It's all worth it, and all else fades away into the background because His presence drives it all away.
That's how my weekend went. It was very rough and stressful, but I was determined to sing. We had three amazing services, and I don't think any of us ever wanted to leave the 11:00 service. God's presence was so powerful, and I believe that many people's lives were changed...I know mine was! If you get a chance, read "The Bait of Satan" by John Bevere. It will change the way you respond to "offenses." I hate to read, but I did work my way through it a couple of years ago. This weekend's services reminded me about what I read and changed the way that Kevin and I handled a situation with his parents. We were close to ending contact with them, but we chose to forgive AND to set up boundaries for the future.
Your washer breaks when you have 3 different outfits in it that you plan to choose from to sing in just a few hours...
You put on flip flops with your outfit instead of heels (and the flip flops don't match) as you head out the door to sing...
Your stomach is very upset from stress...
But none of it matters because God shows up! It's all worth it, and all else fades away into the background because His presence drives it all away.
That's how my weekend went. It was very rough and stressful, but I was determined to sing. We had three amazing services, and I don't think any of us ever wanted to leave the 11:00 service. God's presence was so powerful, and I believe that many people's lives were changed...I know mine was! If you get a chance, read "The Bait of Satan" by John Bevere. It will change the way you respond to "offenses." I hate to read, but I did work my way through it a couple of years ago. This weekend's services reminded me about what I read and changed the way that Kevin and I handled a situation with his parents. We were close to ending contact with them, but we chose to forgive AND to set up boundaries for the future.
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