I have been shedding many, many tears lately. The Botox completely wore off a couple of weeks ago, and I'm in pain almost daily. The pain is severe usually and does not respond much to my Imitrex. I am having many heart issues because of the Imitrex, and I don't know if they are dangerous or just feel horrible. My stomach is also not happy that I have to take so much pain medicine, and it has been feeling so painful that I can't stand up straight sometimes. It feels like the medication to help my pain is slowly killing me. I have tried many other meds, and none of them work at all. I finally broke down and talked to Kevin last night, through many tears, about what he would do with the kids if this takes my life. Thankfully, he told me he would move with the kids to be with my family so they could help him with them and he could work and be with them. My parents are only in their 50's, so they are still very able to care for the kids. My prayer is that God allows me to live so that I can be their Mommy. I'm down to about 92 lbs, which is definitely too low again, but there is really nothing I can do about it.
I called both BCBS and the Neurologist today. BCBS told me it takes them 2 weeks to look at the paperwork they asked the Neuro for and decide whether to approve it or not. Then, the Neuro can only order the Botox after it is approved, which takes another 5 business days. So, I'm looking at 3 weeks or more before I can get it, and I was supposed to get it in 2 days. We even told the Neuro we would just pay the $1,800 out of pocket just so my pain would lessen. They will not let us for some reason. I'm stuck...in pain...sick from meds...racing heart...torn up stomach. I'm miserable. I even told the Neuro's nurse about what is going on with my body, and she told me she would call me back after lunch and never did. I even told her it feels like I'm dying. My heart is not right. My dad had a heart attack at 37, and I'm now 37. I don't know if my heart is strong enough genetically to handle this much Imitrex (over 20 a month).
When I got on FB this morning, this was my Pastor's Status: "Give us gladness in proportion to our former misery! Replace the evil years with good. (Psalm 90:15 NLT)//Prayer for someone"
God really spoke to my heart, and I wept as I read that. I pray for a restoration of these years. I pray for gladness to replace the memory. I told my mom tonight that I would rather live every day in pain and be with my children than to die and not be with them. I won't give in because of my pain. It's hard, but I'm fighting for life...in more ways than one.
3 comments:
It's so sad to hear your story. I will surely pray for you to be better. be strong! Just think of your family and for your future together. Keep fighting. They need you so bad.
Yes, keep fighting and be strong and courageous! You are not alone in this battle!
Thank you both! You know what is weird, or rather not weird because I know it's a God thing...I began writing a song last night. The simple title at the top of the page..."Strong."
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