Up

Have any of you ever seen the movie "Up?" I haven't, but I have seen the clips that start out before the husband and wife are married up until she passes away. Unfortunately, they showed it in church, and it was nearly the end of me!

It's amazing to me how quickly I can be taken back to my time of infertility...of miscarriage. I have two beautiful children who literally fill up each minute of my day. But it only took an instant for me to be taken right back to where the pain consumed me, where grief was my constant companion.

There was a very short clip that showed the man and his wife quite obviously sad in some type of baby doctor's office. It was so short, but so devastating. I am not one to cry easily; and the moment I saw it, every part of my body was mourning. I did not want everyone around me to see what a mess I was inside, so I tried to hold it in as much as I could. I could feel my face turn red and could feel the tears streaming down my cheeks, and there I was again...childless, helpless, longing, desiring. It wasn't as if it had just happened yesterday; it was as if it was happening right then...at that very moment. It was as if the doctor had just told me that our baby's heart had stopped beating. It was as if I was staring at yet another negative pregnancy test.

How quickly we remember, yet how quickly we forget. I felt pretty shaken up for several hours, but then I went back to my daily life, my life with children in it. I want to celebrate the life that God has given to my children every day, but I also want to be able to touch that dark place when someone around me needs me to be "there" with them. When someone is aching to hold their child, I want to be able to mourn with them as the Bible says to "Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep." As 9/11 approaches, I've heard the term "May we never forget." And it is so true. May we never forget what God has brought us through to place us where we are. May we never get so comfortable in our blessings that we forget how it felt in the times that we were left without...with empty, longing arms...with dashed desires and dreams...with skinned knees and bruised palms. For it is in those instances that God holds us in the palms of His hands, and we depend on His very breath to sustain us.

Migraine City

Well, I do have something I want to post about, but I have to have both time and health. Basically, I have had 5 migraine-free days in the whole month of August. I increased my Neurontin to 2 pills in the morning, and I'm going to try to increase my evening dose to 2 pills tonight. Please pray the med increase works....more later.

He Knows Us By Name

We just got back from a vacation to Indiana. We did not make it in time for Kristen's funeral, but I was still able to spend time with Karrie, her mom. We took several walks down memory lane, and it was nice to just be with her at a time when she is hurting. Please continue to pray for the whole family as they continue to grieve the loss of their precious little girl.

Noly is in Indiana with my parents for a couple of weeks, so I am cleaning and organizing while she is gone. That way, she won't see what leaves the house ; ) I started going through all of the bags of stuffed animals that we still had stashed away in the garage from our horrible lice nightmare, and I came upon a trash bag FULL of stuffed animals. I debated about getting rid of some of them, but I decided not to...because...she knows each one of them by name, and she would know if even one of them was missing.

Isn't that how God is? He knows us each by name, and He cares about each one of us with a love that we cannot even begin to fathom. He knows me by name; He knows you by name, and He would know if we were "missing."

I John 3:1a

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!"

Kristen

My heart is breaking right now. My friend's daughter, Kristen, is very sick in the hospital. She has had a heart condition since birth and has had a pacemaker and bovine valve since she was tiny. She got very sick last week and was escorted to a children's hospital. Her bovine valve was full of infection and had a large clot at the top. Friday, as they were getting ready for surgery, part of the clot broke off and caused a pulmonary embolism. They were able to get her stable enough to then do surgery. They removed the diseased valve and put in a new one, and her heart has been beating on its own, and she was taken off of life support.

Yesterday, she became completely unresponsive, and a scan showed severe brain swelling. They are doing a scan today to check for brain activity. I have known Karrie (Kristen's mom) since I was 4, and it is breaking my heart that they are going through this. Please join with me in praying for this sweet 8-year-old and her family.

Update: Sweet Kristen went to Heaven today. Please pray for her family as they grieve the loss of their daughter/sister.

Still Here

Well, we are still here. After a lice recurrence, the school finally found that there were other children there with lice, sent them home, and sanitized. So far, Noly's head has been clear all week! I'm really hoping it doesn't come back!

Jule is doing well. He is having some sleep issues, which we think are from getting his 2-year molars, but he is generally happy! He now knows tons of animal sounds, and we love asking him what each animal says. He calls Noly, sissy, but pronounces it "sissaaah." She thinks he is trying to call her "Princess." We'll just let her believe that ; )

Kevin had eye surgery to correct his eye muscles. He has always only looked out of one eye at a time, which makes depth perception very difficult. He has had a bit of a rough recovery over the last week, but he is healing more each day. He is still seeing double because his eyes have to retrain his brain to look out of both eyes and see one image. I am excited for him to finally see more clearly!

I have felt like I've been on the brink of insanity with all of the back-to-back sickness, but God has really been ministering to me this week. We've had a little bit of a lull, and I have been able to get alone and spend some time with God and the piano. That really helps me regroup my thoughts and refresh my mind. Physically, I'm still pretty worn out, but spiritually, I am feeling God's hands holding me up.

Jude 1:24 "To Him Who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before His glorious presence without fault and with great joy."

Happy 2nd Birthday, Jule!

Happy 2nd Birthday to my sweet Jule!

This picture accurately represents how you came into the world...kicking and screaming! The NICU said you were a feisty one, and they were so right. After a week in the NICU, you came home, and you have brought us much joy!

When you were one, your curls astounded us. We had no idea where you got your curly hair, but we loved it! You were not very excited about cake, but this picture represents your true love for ice cream...or anything chocolate for that matter!Now, you are two! You are saying so many words and understanding so much of what we say. You bring us laughter every day. You are a rough and tumble boy, and you LOVE your mommy more than anything else (well, maybe except for your blankey). You love animals and animal sounds right now and still sleep with hard plastic Disney characters.
Happy Birthday to my second little miracle!

I Really, Really Hate Lice!!!

I really, really hate lice! As I went to lay my head on my pillow, I noticed a piece of my hair...with a nit on it!!! I freaked out! I am allergic to ragweed, so I was told not to use the regular lice removal products that are at Walmart. That meant I had to use Noly's prescription. I ran to two different pharmacies and finally got what I needed. Then, I RAN home and doused my head. I was so disgusted. It didn't seem to do a whole lot for me, and Noly began itching again, so I called the Pediatrician's office.

Friday night, I cut Noly's hair. It was down to her butt, and I just couldn't do it anymore. I was spending every waking moment on lice and nit removal. Then we both covered our hair in olive oil and spent the whole day Saturday with olive oil, saran wrap, shower caps and hats on our heads. Then, we combed through the oil, washed, applied vinegar, combed through that, washed again, blowdried, then combed through AGAIN. After this, Noly finally seemed to stop itching for good, and I haven't seen any new nits. My hair has been a nightmare because I'm mostly doing it myself and can't see if I'm getting all of the nits out. I'm praying that this is the end of it. We used the prescription again on Monday for good measure, but I'm really not sure if it does a good job at all.

In the midst of this, I noticed that Jule had two little blisters on his neck. He was acting fluish all weekend, and he ended up with a total of 6 blisters. The Pediatrician said it may be chicken pox, but he is not sure. Once they get the vaccination, any chicken pox that may hit them has an abnormal presentation. At least he only has 6 little spots, and he slept a LOT this weekend because he didn't feel good. That gave us time for all of the lice treatment.

All of this has me thinking about Job. It seems like we can't catch a breath before the next illness strikes. Now, we are not even getting a day's break in between. I started reading through the book of Job again, and I noticed in the first chapter how another servant would come with bad news while the previous servant was still speaking. Bam, bam, bam, bam...it just kept coming. While I know Job's news was so much more devastating, it felt similar to me....like punch after punch at my heart. I found myself sitting in the bathtub last night thinking, "I hate my life." Don't get me wrong. I love my babies, family, etc, but living with day to day to day sickness has gotten really old. As I got to the 3rd chapter of Job, I found that Job felt the same way. He was cursing the day he was even born.

I have been listening to Hillsong United in the car, and one song stuck out to me. The words are, "I love You more than life itself..." And it occurred to me that, yes, we truly have to love God more than life itself. This life, in this fallen world, can be so difficult. Despite it all, we have to cling to God and love Him more than this life. Without Him, I would not make it through all of this. Without Him, nothing would be worthwhile. I do love Him more than life itself and will carry on...even through lice if need be ; )