Calling

2 Peter 1:10-11 "Therefore, my brothers and sisters, make every effort to confirm your calling and election. For if you do these things, you will never stumble, and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

Ever tempted to give up on your calling? I mean, you have a sense of what it is, but you just can't take the heat. That's how I was feeling Thursday. We have been going through a myriad of physical ailments for over 2.5 years now. I'm tired. I'm worn out.

In the past two weeks, God has been speaking to me about the end result of all of this sickness and pain. I believe there will be a ministry coming out of all of this...a ministry of healing. And though I don't really know what that means yet, I feel like there is a purpose behind all of this suffering...to glorify God, to bring healing to the hurting and broken, to proclaim a God that is bigger than all this life has in store. Yet, I felt like giving up on Thursday.

Noly came out of the bathroom Thursday night and announced that she had not been able to urinate the ENTIRE day, not once. No big deal to her. I called the nurse, and she told me to take her straight to the ER. To me, it felt like the world was caving in around me. All last week, I struggled with migraines. I was also taking antibiotics for strep throat. So, when you put antibiotics and migraine meds together, my body just cannot handle it. I can barely handle either med alone. I had pushed and pushed through the week, longing for Thursday night when I knew Kevin would be back in town and could take care of the kids. And now, he had to take her to the ER just when he was getting home. On top of that, I was guessing that the ER would have to do some things that would cause my child pain. The thought of her hurting just killed me. I also had no idea why a child would not be able to go to the bathroom and worried about what may be causing it.

I left a short voicemail for our Pediatrician to let him know what was happening since he had seen Noly 5 times in just 10 days already. I put a movie in for Jule so that he would be entertained for a few minutes, and I went up to the bathroom and cried. I told God that I didn't know if I could follow this call if it meant that my children had to suffer. It was just too much. I talked to Kevin a few times to check on them, and he said the ER waiting room was packed. We knew it would be a long wait. Of course, I knew that I needed to follow where God was leading and press on even though the circumstances were tough, but I felt like it would be so much easier to live a mediocre life for God.

I'm so thankful that God brought me relief (though He didn't have to). Our Pediatrician called me just a little while later. He was out of town but felt like Noly was ok to wait until the morning after his flight got in and he got into the office. I was able to call Kevin and tell him to come back home, Noly did not have to go through any painful procedures, and my heart was able to rest a little. Ps. 34:4 says, "I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears." Once again, I see God's grace and strength shining through as He moves His hand through my circumstances. Sometimes we find relief, and sometimes we grieve. In the end, I do believe that we will say His call is worth the pain. His heart is that I follow what He wants me to do so that His love can reach out to others, and that does not mean that I won't go through trials to get to that place. I pray for strength and endurance, and I want to hear Him say, "Well done, good and faithful servant" someday.

Jeremiah 29

I feel so bad for letting my blog get so far behind. We are just getting over the hump of the flu, croup, strep skin infections, strep throat, ear infections, allergies & pink eye. I think that's it...maybe? For the most part, we are doing much better. These two little blue-eyed babies never cease to bring a smile to my heart and to my face.

The times we have faced over the past few years have been very hard, and sometimes it feels like way too much. Sometimes, it is too much. I'm so thankful for a loving, caring husband who is willing to jump in and give me a much-needed break when I'm plain exhausted.

I think it was last week that I read Jeremiah 29. I have always heard Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future," and that is a wonderful verse. However, I never really read Jeremiah 29 in the whole context of what it was. It is a letter to the exiles. It was like this "aha" moment for me. As I read the whole chapter with the knowledge that it was for the exiles, I found a part of myself that just felt like an exile (even though I truly am not in the sense of who the exiles were).

More often than not, I feel like an exile...a pariah. So often, we are contagious with some sickness or another. When we are not sick, I have a migraine. When I don't have a migraine, we have lice or acid reflux-induced vomiting, or...well, you get it. I feel like an exile to these physical afflictions. And as I read it, I felt like God was telling me to "live" while we are "in exile." This season may last for awhile. And if it does, we need to live the best we can while in the situation. One verse talks about increasing in number and not decreasing. What I took from that was that God wants me to grow and increase in my relationship with Him while "in exile." He wants me to come closer to Him during this time and learn to rely on Him even for our very health.

God told the exiles that He would bring them back to their land after 70 years, and I know that God will bring us His touch, His healing on our physical bodies at some point in time. We are not forsaken. We are God's children who cause Him great delight. And though we are not perfect, His love for us never waxes or wanes. It is constant. He is my Constant!

Breaking Down

Today was a day of emotionally breaking down for me. I don't think it was in a bad way. It was just a delayed reaction to the events of the week. Kevin came down with the flu on Sunday morning, so I spent the day playing with and caring for the kids. Jule had an odd cough, but he was fine. Very suddenly, he came over and crawled into my lap Sunday evening, and I checked his temp. It was 102.6. I knew it was the flu. I wasn't really concerned, but I knew he would probably feel yucky for a few days.

He woke up Monday morning with 104 fever, which was not too disturbing because I knew we already had a doctor's appt within an hour. Flu confirmed, Tamiflu prescribed, no problem. I laid down for a nap while he napped, and "it" happened again. "It" is one of the things that has scared me the most in his little lifetime. He woke up with severe croup, and he was struggling to breathe. I got him into the bathroom and steamed it up quickly. Luckily, Kevin was a couple of miles down the road at his office, and I was able to call and get him to come home right away. Jule was coughing so much he couldn't breathe. All he could do was cough, vomit and struggle to even cry. I took off his shirt, and he was retracting. Ugh! So, I called the Ped's office. While I was waiting to hear back from them, I took his temp...103. He was so sick and struggling so much; it just broke my heart. They called back right away and told us to head to the ER.

On the way to the ER, he improved greatly. He calmed down while watching one of his favorite videos, and that helped the croup immensely. So, I called our Ped, and he told us to use some oral steroids we held onto after his Christmas Croup incident, and he gave us some meds for his nebulizer. By Tuesday, he was doing much better. I'm so thankful that God continually guards his life. It never ceases to throw me for a loop because breathing is kind-of an important bodily function ; ) I was able to get to the office today for several hours and found myself crying. It was the first time I was "off" from being the protector and caregiver, and I was able to process the emotion of it. I sure do love these two little people!

I was able to cut my morning dose of Neurontin back to 4 pills, and I increased the evening dose to 7 pills. AND I have not had a migraine in a week! I'm so thankful for the prayers that so many have prayed for my head, and I'm praying this combination brings me MUCH continued relief. God is faithful, whether we struggle to breathe, whether we are pain free...He just is. I have to get some sleep. I believe my 2 year old has learned to share....the flu!

The Solid Rock

I am in a lot of pain from a string of migraines right now, so this post may not make the total sense I'd like it to. Yesterday, I received our song list for church on Sunday. One of the songs is a remake of "The Solid Rock." As I listened to it, it brought me comfort to know that, even though I am in pain a lot right now, GOD is my solid Rock. I can stand on Him and know that He will not fail, even if I am hurting.

This took me back to our first IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) at the Fertility Clinic. I was driving there to try to get pregnant after many miscarriages and felt a nudge to put in 4 Him's Hymns CD. God spoke so sweetly to my heart when I heard..."On Christ the solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand. All other ground is sinking sand." He got me through infertility. He got me through many miscarriages. He brought me two beautiful babies. AND He will get me through migraines. He IS all my hope and stay.

Focus

Today, I read Numbers 13-14. It is about the spies that were sent into the land of Canaan. All of the spies, except for Joshua and Caleb, came back with a horrible report. They were focusing on the people of the land and the impossibility they saw in conquering them. They could never inhabit this land flowing with milk and honey...they were tiny like grasshoppers! Really? Seriously? All of the people began to moan and complain because they focused on the people of Canaan. They even said that they would have been better off if they had never left Egypt. Are you kidding? These people had seen numerous signs and wonders, displays of God's power. They walked through a sea on DRY land, they ate manna that fell from Heaven, and a cloud led them by day and a pillar of fire by night (God VERY visibly led them). When they grew tired of the manna, God sent quail for them to eat. Yet, somehow, this miraculous God was not enough to conquer the people in Canaan. It amazed me, yet convicted me. Their focus was not on the right place. If they had been looking up, they would not have been so overwhelmed by what was visible in front of them.

I am not so different from them. I have been having major migraine problems again and am on day #7 of head pain. And while I cannot forget that I am in pain, I can redirect my focus. In Philippians 1:21, Paul says "For me to live is Christ..." If He is my focus, then these "things" around me won't be so overwhelming. I get really upset that I spend so much time in pain during my kids' younger days, but it really doesn't matter in light of eternity. There will be no pain in heaven. What matters is that my life is for Him, that I teach them about Him whether I'm in pain or not, and that they learn that He is faithful regardless of life's circumstances. I want them to learn to keep Him as their focus. I want them to know that they serve the same God who led His people out of slavery in Egypt and that He had good plans for them, plans for a land flowing with milk and honey. May I keep my focus on what truly matters!

Creation

So many times, the eyes of a child are amazing! Tonight, Noly asked me if I was just going to sit in bed for awhile while she played with Daddy. I told her that I was going to read my Bible. She said, "Oh, you read that a lot." I told her I try to read it every day. She asked if we could read her Bible together first, so we did.

It's funny to me how a lot of the Bible stories that I know she has heard before have left her memory, and it is like she is hearing them for the first time. There were pictures of Adam and Eve with many trees all around them, and then there is a picture of the ONE tree they could not eat from. She looked at me like they had more than enough. Why would they ever need to eat from that one tree? They weren't missing out with all they had in front of them to eat. How true! But how our flesh craves that "one" thing. It craves what we shouldn't have and isn't content with the many other blessings we have right in front of us. God has given us more than we need and just wants us to find contentment in our relationship to Him. He knows what will harm us, yet we act like He is withholding something desirable from us.

Hopefully, both Noly and I learned something about obedience and God's love for us tonight.

Strep Throat and the Flu

That's what Noly has...both. I'm really thankful she is such a little trooper and doesn't complain much! We are on top of her fever better tonight, so she is more comfortable. Last night, it got up to 102.9, and then she fell asleep on Kevin. I didn't try taking it after that because I didn't want to wake her.

We are two weeks into our 21-day fast at church, and I'm amazed at how much more time I have had to read my Bible, pray, workout, etc while fasting tv. It has been a really good two weeks even though we have been struggling with non-stop sickness in one form or another. The sickness didn't change, but spending time with God gives me much more peace about it. Our Pastor taught about joy last week. He talked about how happiness is an emotion that comes or goes, but joy is a fruit of the Spirit. Even if you are sad, you can still have joy because of Who you know. That was so eye-opening, and it has made a difference in my attitude within our sickness.

I'm making this short because I have some Rice Krispy Treats cooling to try to get Noly to eat a little with her antibiotic. Hoping for a good night of restful sleep for all four of us!