I am so happy to report that Jule's allergy panel came back completely negative. He is not allergic to any foods or environmental allergens! So, his two episodes of hives must have both been related to his croup viruses. That makes me feel way less paranoid about letting Noly have anything with nuts anywhere near him.
I'm beginning to feel very, very horrible. We made the decision to take Noly out of preschool this year to try to help she and Jule stay healthy. We are still having only a week or two of feeling good before someone ends up sick, so it looks like it's still a good decision. However, I talked to the babysitter and found out that the other two 4-year-olds are going to school every day starting in September. Noly LOVED the school last year, and it is only a couple of blocks away from the sitter's house. I feel like a bad mommy because she will want to go to school, and I can't really explain to her why she can't go. She wouldn't understand what it means to try to keep the germs to a minimum. Next year, she can go to the 4-year-old class at one of the Christian schools we have chosen. Jule will be two then, and his reflux/croup episodes should be so much better given another year to outgrow them.
I don't want to hurt her feelings. I'm trying to come up with something to help her feel special about being the oldest child at the sitter's. It will just be her, Jule and another baby. I thought of having a special box each week with activities she can do by herself while the babies play. Maybe I can pack a special movie for her to watch on some days too. I'm stocking up on school supplies when I see sales so that I can have a variety of activities for her to do, but it doesn't help me feel any better : ( Next year, she can go to school with all of the other kids. For now, I'm hoping and praying she's not too upset when she discovers that she's not going. Sometimes it's hard being a mommy!
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Friday, August 7, 2009
Instant Gratification
I was listening to the radio the other day, and the DJ said something that stood out to me. "God doesn't always give us what we want or ask for immediately." Granted, I KNOW that, but I so often act like I'm surprised when He doesn't. In fact, sometimes His answer is no.
I thought about my own kids and how spoiled and ungrateful Noly would be if I gave her everything she wanted right when she wanted it. Sometimes my answer is that she has to wait for it, and other times it is just no. I don't always give her a reason because sometimes the reason is beyond the scope of her understanding. Sometimes, the answer is no because allowing her to do something would bring her harm. She doesn't know it and can't foresee it, but I can.
I believe that God is the same way. We would be spoiled brats if He gave us everything we wanted, and we would suffer much harm if He allowed us to have some of the things we ask for. I don't understand why I had to go through so much to have children, but I trust that God's plan is perfect, and He always has my best interest at heart. I also believe that some things happen if only for the fact that we live in a fallen world. AND I believe it breaks His heart when we go through things that cause us grief as a result of living in this fallen world. I know that there are times when my heart breaks for my children.
Monday, Jule had a blood draw for allergy testing. Twice now, he has broken out in hives. It took me and two nurses to hold him down, and he screamed like we were killing him, but I knew it had to be done. It hurt him, but it had to be done for his own future safety. Certainly, he didn't understand it, but I know it will help me make decisions that will better protect him. I've already seen him struggle to breathe on more than one occasion, and if I can stop it from happening again, I will!
During this ordeal, our Pediatrician (did I mention before how much we love him?) heard his blood-curdling screams and came in the room and whisked Noly away with him for a popsicle. It gave me such a picture of God because there are times that He pulls us out of the pain and gives us a popsicle...just like He pulled me from the pain of miscarriage and gave me my two babies! Noly wasn't in any danger, but the doctor did not want her to get upset. Scott Krippayne sings a song "Sometimes He Calms the Storms," and it perfectly depicts what this post is about:
V1.All who sail the sea of faith find out before too long
How quickly blue skies can grow dark and gentle winds grow strong
Suddenly fear is like white water pounding on the soul
Still we sail on knowing that our Lord is in control
C.Sometimes He calms the storm with a whispered peace be still
He can settle any sea but it doesn't mean He will
Sometimes He holds us close and lets the wind and waves go wild
Sometimes He calms the storm and other times He calms His child
V2.He has a reason for each trial that we pass through in life
And though we're shaken we cannot be pulled apart from Christ
No matter how the driving rain beats down on those who hold to faith
A heart of trust will always be a quiet peaceful place
I thought about my own kids and how spoiled and ungrateful Noly would be if I gave her everything she wanted right when she wanted it. Sometimes my answer is that she has to wait for it, and other times it is just no. I don't always give her a reason because sometimes the reason is beyond the scope of her understanding. Sometimes, the answer is no because allowing her to do something would bring her harm. She doesn't know it and can't foresee it, but I can.
I believe that God is the same way. We would be spoiled brats if He gave us everything we wanted, and we would suffer much harm if He allowed us to have some of the things we ask for. I don't understand why I had to go through so much to have children, but I trust that God's plan is perfect, and He always has my best interest at heart. I also believe that some things happen if only for the fact that we live in a fallen world. AND I believe it breaks His heart when we go through things that cause us grief as a result of living in this fallen world. I know that there are times when my heart breaks for my children.
Monday, Jule had a blood draw for allergy testing. Twice now, he has broken out in hives. It took me and two nurses to hold him down, and he screamed like we were killing him, but I knew it had to be done. It hurt him, but it had to be done for his own future safety. Certainly, he didn't understand it, but I know it will help me make decisions that will better protect him. I've already seen him struggle to breathe on more than one occasion, and if I can stop it from happening again, I will!
During this ordeal, our Pediatrician (did I mention before how much we love him?) heard his blood-curdling screams and came in the room and whisked Noly away with him for a popsicle. It gave me such a picture of God because there are times that He pulls us out of the pain and gives us a popsicle...just like He pulled me from the pain of miscarriage and gave me my two babies! Noly wasn't in any danger, but the doctor did not want her to get upset. Scott Krippayne sings a song "Sometimes He Calms the Storms," and it perfectly depicts what this post is about:
V1.All who sail the sea of faith find out before too long
How quickly blue skies can grow dark and gentle winds grow strong
Suddenly fear is like white water pounding on the soul
Still we sail on knowing that our Lord is in control
C.Sometimes He calms the storm with a whispered peace be still
He can settle any sea but it doesn't mean He will
Sometimes He holds us close and lets the wind and waves go wild
Sometimes He calms the storm and other times He calms His child
V2.He has a reason for each trial that we pass through in life
And though we're shaken we cannot be pulled apart from Christ
No matter how the driving rain beats down on those who hold to faith
A heart of trust will always be a quiet peaceful place
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
No More Holes
Yesterday, we began the process of redecorating Noly's room. In the past, it has been bright blue with a Pottery Barn flower decor. Now that she is getting a twin-sized bed, she wants Hello Kitty decor, and that definitely does not match the bright blue walls! Last night, Kevin and I went to Home Depot and picked out some "Root Beer" and "Little Piglet" paint so that I could paint her room before we get the bed set up. We emptied Noly's room so that there was plenty of room to paint. Her toys are covering our room right now, and all of the room on our floor is taken up by an airmatress for her to sleep on until her room is ready.
After the room was empty, I began to prepare the walls for painting. I looked around at all the holes that were in the walls...there were tons! So, I got the spackle and began to fill every hole. I thought, "Once I'm done painting, you will never know the holes were even there!" Then it hit me, isn't that how it is with God! Once we repent of our sins, the "holes" are no longer there. Psalm 103: 12 says, "As far as the east is from the west, so far hath He removed our transgressions from us." When He looks at us, He does not see our "walls" filled with scars and holes. He sees His creation...beautiful, seamless walls. I think if we could just get His view of us into our heads, we would have such a different view on life. It's hard, though, because our human mind is just that...human. We are His unique, beautiful creation, freshly covered by His blood. AND He's the complete filler of our holes...not just where our sins are involved, but He does what we can't and gives us strength where we lack. He's so much more than my $3.87 jar of spackle!
On the home front...Noly is doing well. She is learning more about her letters daily. She is doing well with writing her name but gets frustrated easily if it's not perfect. That's my girl! Jule had his one-year appointment yesterday. He was 26 lbs 2 oz, 31 inches long & had a head circumference of 19 I think. I'm not sure of his % because, once again, there was too much drama for me to remember to ask. I asked for allergy testing for him, and he screamed through the whole blood test! I'm sure it hurt because his little hands are just so chubby that it was hard to find a vein, but the nurse did! He also got a finger prick and one shot. I had to give him a lollipop to get him to stop screaming. Then, once we got to the car, I accidentally pinched his leg in the seatbelt! Of course, he started screaming all over again. Poor little guy. I felt so bad! We should get his allergy results in about a week.
I'm still having anxiety issues. I'm taking Ativan here and there when I need it, but I'm sure that I'll get back to my normal self when the stress calms down a little again. Until then, I have a lot of painting to do. This is the first time I've painted a room pink.
After the room was empty, I began to prepare the walls for painting. I looked around at all the holes that were in the walls...there were tons! So, I got the spackle and began to fill every hole. I thought, "Once I'm done painting, you will never know the holes were even there!" Then it hit me, isn't that how it is with God! Once we repent of our sins, the "holes" are no longer there. Psalm 103: 12 says, "As far as the east is from the west, so far hath He removed our transgressions from us." When He looks at us, He does not see our "walls" filled with scars and holes. He sees His creation...beautiful, seamless walls. I think if we could just get His view of us into our heads, we would have such a different view on life. It's hard, though, because our human mind is just that...human. We are His unique, beautiful creation, freshly covered by His blood. AND He's the complete filler of our holes...not just where our sins are involved, but He does what we can't and gives us strength where we lack. He's so much more than my $3.87 jar of spackle!
On the home front...Noly is doing well. She is learning more about her letters daily. She is doing well with writing her name but gets frustrated easily if it's not perfect. That's my girl! Jule had his one-year appointment yesterday. He was 26 lbs 2 oz, 31 inches long & had a head circumference of 19 I think. I'm not sure of his % because, once again, there was too much drama for me to remember to ask. I asked for allergy testing for him, and he screamed through the whole blood test! I'm sure it hurt because his little hands are just so chubby that it was hard to find a vein, but the nurse did! He also got a finger prick and one shot. I had to give him a lollipop to get him to stop screaming. Then, once we got to the car, I accidentally pinched his leg in the seatbelt! Of course, he started screaming all over again. Poor little guy. I felt so bad! We should get his allergy results in about a week.
I'm still having anxiety issues. I'm taking Ativan here and there when I need it, but I'm sure that I'll get back to my normal self when the stress calms down a little again. Until then, I have a lot of painting to do. This is the first time I've painted a room pink.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Feeling Silent
I have been feeling so silent lately...like all of my words have been drained from me. I'm physically exhausted and emotionally spent. Jule has been back on a crying spree, and he is spitting up and throwing up frequently. It's been a year now, and I'm just so weary. I want him to feel good and to be happy. He does have his happy moments, but they are so rare and so fleeting.
I also realized that we have spent almost 9 months now with one of us being sick. We get a week break here and there, but someone always has something. Jule and I were sick last week and ended up missing both his 1 year appointment and his rescheduled appointment. Then, Noly came down with a fever and some kind of virus Monday and Tuesday. When I took her to the doctor on her second day with no drinking, I realized it had been 9 months!!! No wonder I feel like I'm burnt out. I thoroughly enjoy my kids, but I feel like I can barely leave the house with them without someone, usually Jule, getting sick. Dr. C explained to me yesterday that the respiratory sicknesses he is having probably stem from vomit getting into his upper respiratory system. Now, if we could just get him to stop losing his lunch, we'd be good???
Each time he gets croup or I hear that all-too-familiar rattling or stridor, my anxiety kicks into high gear. Will we have to call 911 in the middle of the night this time? Will the breathing treatments keep his breathing under control. Very few things in my life have traumatized me to the extent that seeing my child struggling to breathe has. I know that he's not truly mine, but I love him and want to spend many years with him as my son on this earth.
I don't have as much anxiety with Noly because she only had one incident where croup became complicated enough that she needed an injection. It was related to one illness and never happened again. And while she was sick a lot her first winter with the sitter, she only had "normal," non-scary sicknesses. She went through her right-of-passage as a child. I also wonder if Jule's time in the NICU made me more paranoid of his health? Probably.
So, here you have my thoughts. I haven't been blogging much lately because I just really don't have much to say. I have a lot to think about. I will stay on at 30 hours a week. I explained to my babysitter how my boss changed her mind, and she was gracious enough to work with us on it. But by May 2010, we hope to move closer to the church, find a new sitter, and get Noly enrolled in our Church's 4's program. A lot to do, a year to do it, and I know that God has it all under control and has the best interest of my babies at heart. I know He'll show us if he wants us to stay in our currrent location and send her to school at another Christian school that I love. We just need to find someone to watch Jule...sweet, vomiting Jule : )
I also realized that we have spent almost 9 months now with one of us being sick. We get a week break here and there, but someone always has something. Jule and I were sick last week and ended up missing both his 1 year appointment and his rescheduled appointment. Then, Noly came down with a fever and some kind of virus Monday and Tuesday. When I took her to the doctor on her second day with no drinking, I realized it had been 9 months!!! No wonder I feel like I'm burnt out. I thoroughly enjoy my kids, but I feel like I can barely leave the house with them without someone, usually Jule, getting sick. Dr. C explained to me yesterday that the respiratory sicknesses he is having probably stem from vomit getting into his upper respiratory system. Now, if we could just get him to stop losing his lunch, we'd be good???
Each time he gets croup or I hear that all-too-familiar rattling or stridor, my anxiety kicks into high gear. Will we have to call 911 in the middle of the night this time? Will the breathing treatments keep his breathing under control. Very few things in my life have traumatized me to the extent that seeing my child struggling to breathe has. I know that he's not truly mine, but I love him and want to spend many years with him as my son on this earth.
I don't have as much anxiety with Noly because she only had one incident where croup became complicated enough that she needed an injection. It was related to one illness and never happened again. And while she was sick a lot her first winter with the sitter, she only had "normal," non-scary sicknesses. She went through her right-of-passage as a child. I also wonder if Jule's time in the NICU made me more paranoid of his health? Probably.
So, here you have my thoughts. I haven't been blogging much lately because I just really don't have much to say. I have a lot to think about. I will stay on at 30 hours a week. I explained to my babysitter how my boss changed her mind, and she was gracious enough to work with us on it. But by May 2010, we hope to move closer to the church, find a new sitter, and get Noly enrolled in our Church's 4's program. A lot to do, a year to do it, and I know that God has it all under control and has the best interest of my babies at heart. I know He'll show us if he wants us to stay in our currrent location and send her to school at another Christian school that I love. We just need to find someone to watch Jule...sweet, vomiting Jule : )
Monday, July 27, 2009
Frustrated
Today, I am so frustrated. For several months now, we have been planning for me to start working 20 hours a week starting August 1st. When I approached my boss today to remind her that August 1st starts Saturday, it appears that she changed her mind. I'm really, really frustrated. I carry our insurance, so I need to work to keep it. The babysitter needs me to reduce my hours so she can be at her son's ballgames. I'm not sure what I am going to do, but one of my pet peeves is when people change their minds at the drop of a hat when it's something that matters.
I would not mind staying home with the kids, but with Jule's health issues, I highly doubt we would be accepted my any private insurance company. Kevin works in a family business, and there is no option of company insurance though they will pay for whatever insurance we get. The problem is....they can't pay for something we can't get. My boss and the Controller are supposed to talk today. I just don't even know what to do right now. After all, it was my BOSS's idea months ago for me to go down to 20 hours without quitting!!! Grrrr!
I would not mind staying home with the kids, but with Jule's health issues, I highly doubt we would be accepted my any private insurance company. Kevin works in a family business, and there is no option of company insurance though they will pay for whatever insurance we get. The problem is....they can't pay for something we can't get. My boss and the Controller are supposed to talk today. I just don't even know what to do right now. After all, it was my BOSS's idea months ago for me to go down to 20 hours without quitting!!! Grrrr!
Friday, July 24, 2009
Home Today
I am home today. This is the 3rd full day of work I've missed this week. It seems that Jule and I both have a tummy bug...it's not terrible, but it's enough to keep me out of work. I have been spending the day sanitizing the bathrooms and color coding my closet. I have one full trash bag to get to Goodwill and will probably have more, but I'm too worn out to continue.
Jule is supposed to have his 1-Year check-up today, but that depends how my stomach is feeling. It's only 2 miles down the road, but we usually have a long wait...especially at the end of the day. Noly is so excited! She keeps talking about Dr. C and wants to talk to him on the phone...she absolutely adores him! We think it is so hilarious and cute! If we have to reschedule, I'll be sure to take her with us when we do go.
I taught Noly to write her name last night, and the look on her face was priceless! She was so proud of herself. Moments like those are so precious, and I will cherish them for years!
Monday, July 20, 2009
Brown Sugar and Luke 6:38
On the surface, these two do not appear to have ANYTHING in common. Luke 6:38 says, "Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." When I read this verse today, I thought about making Sloppy Joes last night. I always make a northern version, which includes about 1/3 cup of brown sugar. Whenever I make something that includes brown sugar, I always pack it into the measuring cup as tightly as I can, and then I sprinkle a little extra on top...just because I generally like things a tad sweeter.
A portion of one of Third Day's songs started playing in my head..."and you give yourself away, and you give yourself away, and you give, and you give, and you give yourself away. All I want is love, and I confess to this. I will take it, Lord, all You have to give..." A portion of 4 Him's "The Message" also stood out in my mind, "...to give til there is nothing left to give..." Jesus gave it all for me...His very life...everything. My desire is to give my life in the same manner that I give my food brown sugar....not to get, but out of love and out of the overflow of His gift working in my life.
A portion of one of Third Day's songs started playing in my head..."and you give yourself away, and you give yourself away, and you give, and you give, and you give yourself away. All I want is love, and I confess to this. I will take it, Lord, all You have to give..." A portion of 4 Him's "The Message" also stood out in my mind, "...to give til there is nothing left to give..." Jesus gave it all for me...His very life...everything. My desire is to give my life in the same manner that I give my food brown sugar....not to get, but out of love and out of the overflow of His gift working in my life.
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