Beloved Geeky

I Am Here

2012-01-30T11:48:00.000-08:00

That about sums it up at the moment...I am here. I am alive. I have moments when I feel very much alive, and I have a TON of moments when I am in so much pain. My migraines have become a daily occurrence now. I have even doubled the dosage on my preventive, but to no avail. Now, I am getting some pretty bad side effects on top of the migraines. I cannot keep my blood sugar up. I found myself devouring almost an entire bag of cotton candy on Saturday within minutes and probably could have continued eating it until I was sick. That is not normal for me. I was able to function after that much sugar, and this was after a full well-balanced meal.

Sunday, I went to church to play after having been up at 3 am with a migraine. My right eye was swollen and very bloodshot from all of the pressure, and I was feeling very off. I made it through rehearsal and through the first service, but I had to go home after the first service after nearly vomiting on stage during the last set. Apparently, all of the migraine meds and the amount of sugar I had consumed led into another bout with serotonin syndrome. I feel like I can't win medication-wise. I have a call into my Neuro to see where to go from here and to see where my Botox request stands with the insurance company.

I am pretty miserable, but I'm so thankful that I get to be home and don't have the stress of working every day. Jule has been a doll, and I love the time I'm getting with him. When I'm feeling good, we go to parks and have as much fun as we can. When I'm feeling bad, we do puzzles and watch cartoons. Noly is doing great at school and loves riding the bus home every day. I have tried to make our evenings fun and creative because I feel like it keeps her busier so she won't miss Kevin as much.

All in all, migraines are bad, but God is still good.

A Reunion

2012-01-23T19:14:00.000-08:00

Imagine that your children are away from you doing something. When they return, there is a child missing, and all that remains of your child is his/her torn clothing. You are told that your child is dead. How tormenting that would be...how gut-wrenching! Imagine that years go by and that you ache to hold your child again...to see your child's face again. Imagine what it could be like to find out many, many years later that your child is very much alive, and imagine what the embrace would be like when you see that child's face again! Jacob experienced this.

I have been reading this week about the story of Joseph. Of course, I have grown up hearing about how Joseph's brothers sold him into slavery and told their father that he was dead. I remember hearing about what amazing things God did in Joseph's life despite the betrayal of his brothers. I don't think I had ever thought about it from a parent's perspective, and as I read about Jacob and Joseph seeing each other for the first time, I was so blown away. I cannot imagine the emotion that must have surrounded that event. It is something that I would love to have witnessed.

The belief was that Joseph was dead. The truth was that Joseph was alive. Sometimes, our belief is that something within us has died...maybe a dream, maybe the ability to open up and love...it could be anything. The truth is that our God, Who raised Lazarus from the dead, can bring to life whatever seems to us to be dead. In all reality, it is living beneath the surface. He is fashioning it, pruning it, doing amazing things with it...all while we don't even believe in the possibility of the existence of life anymore. God did such extraordinary things through the life of a son that Jacob thought did not even walk the face of the earth anymore. And though all we may see is death, God is breathing life. I pray that God makes us aware of the reality that there is truly life where we have believed there is death. And when we reunite with the truth of life, may it be life-changing.

If You Knew Me

2012-01-17T19:02:00.000-08:00

if you knew me...you would know that my heart hurts almost as much as my head

if you knew me...you would know that i hate watching others live normal lives

if you knew me...you would know that i would rather not be laying on the couch

if you knew me...you would know i would much rather be on the floor playing

if you knew me...you would know that i am so tired of being in pain

if you knew me...you would know that i am terrified to take my kids to the zoo alone

if you knew me...you would know that i want to do and be so much more

if you knew me...you would know that most days i cannot even walk out the door

if you knew me...you would know that i have a migraine right now

if you knew me...you would know that i strongly believe in the one who can cure

if you knew me...you would be my friend even though the pain can make me unreliable

if you knew me...you would know i would do almost anything to be able to be there for u

my heart hurts tonight because the pain is just so frequent and all consuming. i feel so alone so often. i struggle to do the simplest tasks that most do easily. i do not live in my own strength because it is not something i have a lot of. i live on the manna he provides. i live...i survive...hoping for what i do not see...praying for what does not yet exist...clinging to the knowledge that he does see and hear and care. i do weep...but i also rejoice in the fellowship of his suffering.

Feeling Alive!

2012-01-16T20:04:00.000-08:00

Sorry this post looks weird, but I can't figure out a way to change it.

I guess that's always a good thing, right? To feel alive? As it turns out, quitting my job has brought me so much joy, so much peace, so much thankfulness to God. I've been an organizing and cleaning maniac but almost have everything caught up to where I want it. I have enjoyed cuddling and playing with Jule during the day. I did not know it was possible, but he is even more attached to me now than he was. Tomorrow is the first time Noly will not be attending the aftercare program at school. She went last week since there was only school 3 days anyway, and it allowed me to adjust to being home. I'm not sure what she thinks of me being home, but I think she will love it when she is not at school.

I was reading Jeremiah 31 tonight, and verse 28 really stuck out..."And it shall come to pass, that like as I have watched over them, to pluck up, and to break down, and to throw down, and to destroy, and to afflict; so will I watch over them, to build, and to plant, saith the LORD." The years we are coming out of have been very difficult. It literally felt like I was being torn down and pulled apart. It was not fun, and it did not make me happy. But I'm sure that God was doing a work. He was removing what needed to be absent so that He could build and plant the design He has for our lives. I made up a quote tonight that just felt so right..."Only God's hand can create the masterpiece that only His eyes can see. Trust Him to make you more beautiful that you can imagine!" I realized that I cannot even begin to see or envision the design and layout He has for my life. So, HE is the only one that can make the beautiful masterpiece that He has all planned out. His thoughts are so much higher, and I'm excited to see what He is going to do!

Staying Home

2012-01-10T06:17:00.000-08:00

So far, being home with Jule has been wonderful! Just removing the pressure of me having to try to be at work every day has made such a difference in my stress level! Jule keeps saying, "I no want to go to school." I tell him he doesn't have to anymore, but I'm not sure he quite gets it yet. Noly will love being home with us on the days she doesn't have school.

I spent a good amount of time cleaning the front porch and giving the shutters a fresh coat of paint. I still need to paint the pillars on the front porch, but I'll save that for when Kevin is in town and can keep Jule occupied. That was quite challenging. So far this morning, we are still in our jammies, and it feels wonderful!

Reflections

2012-01-07T18:01:00.001-08:00

Yesterday, I worked my last day as an employee for the State (at least for now). It felt really good and also really strange as I pulled away from the building that I have been reporting to for approximately the past 8 years. At the moment, I am still on the payroll on an on-call basis because they need my help to prepare some documents for this year's arrival of the Auditors. That feels good because I can earn a little money here and there when I am available, but I don't have the pressure of reporting to work every day. I am guessing they may need to call me from time to time until February, then my replacement will probably be able to take over completely. Her start date is set for 1/18.

I have been feeling like a failure because I feel like I can't hold down a job. And though we are fine financially, I feel like I am letting my kids down because we have less money than we did. Something that has really helped me was taking inventory of what I have been going through in the 8 years that I have been with the State:

I had 3 miscarriages before working there and had 5 while working.

I went through apx. 15 months of fertility treatments while there.

I had two high-risk pregnancies and two preemie births while there.

I had a baby boy in the NICU.

In one year alone, I think 2010, we had 8 separate tummy bugs.

Jule had 20+ croup occurrences, 5 requiring an ambulance and 1 requiring hospitalization.

We had at least 5 RSV illnesses between the two kids.

Jule had 5 surgeries (I think).

Noly had two sets of tubes.

I had 2 Preschools almost kick Jule out and had to have two separate evaluations to find out if he was special needs.

My migraines soared from 2 a month to as high as 26 a month at times.

I tried around 8 different preventives, most with bad side effects.

My husband was diagnosed with sleep apnea and also narcolepsy.

My husband was also recently diagnosed with ADD.

There has been so much stress, and I have tried so hard to juggle everything and do a good job. I do feel like my best was enough, but I feel like I don't have the strength to keep juggling. And when I reflect on all that has happened, I can understand why it is very necessary for me to take a break from working. Yes, it will help decrease Jule's exposure to viruses, but it will also give me some much-needed down-time. Today felt really good. I sorted all of my coupons and headed to three different stores to get some good deals. I cleaned my car, inside and out. I scrubbed the posts on our front porch. I could literally feel the freedom that I have now. The kids were pretty bad this afternoon, so it left me a little anxious about being home with them all the time, but I know there will be good and bad days just like any other family has. I also know God has equipped me to do it.

I don't think it will be long before I feel an utter peace about being home. I look forward to the new that God has in store for 2012!

Hello, 2012

2012-01-03T10:42:00.000-08:00

We are 3 days into 2012. So far, it has been uneventful. We brought in the new year by sleeping through the fireworks going off in our subdivision :)

This week is a four-day work week, then I will not be employed any longer until God leads us toward me working again. I am feeling very relieved because it feels like rest is coming. I'm also a little worried because of the loss of income and benefits (other than health) that come with working. I'm sure I will have to get used to a new normal just like I did when each of the kids was born. Since I will have a little more time on my hands, I am hoping to read through the Bible in a year. I'm using youversion and like it so far.

We have all had colds with no sign of croup from Jule. It makes me smile every time I think about the possibility that we have said goodbye to croup forever. Overall, the past few months have shown a healthier streak for the kids. It is wonderful to not spend time each week at the doctor! I'm praying for a healthier, happier 2012!

Revisiting our ENT Friend

2011-12-22T08:14:00.000-08:00

This morning, I took Jule to his appointment for a follow-up with the ENT that we got a second opinion with (i.e. the genius that linked his croup to reflux). I was a little nervous that he would be upset with me for not getting the nasty 24-hour Ph study done on Jule, but Kevin and I both felt we did not want to do the test if it wasn't necessary because it would be very unpleasant for Jule.

I told the ENT that Jule has not had one instance of croup since we increased his reflux meds since he mentioned it may not be controlled. To my surprise, he smiled and was thrilled and said, "Well, I will just let you call me if you ever need me again. He doesn't need to be monitored!" What relief! He said that it would not surprise him if Jule had one or two croup occurrences during the winter and that would be completely acceptable. We will need to do further testing only if he starts getting it constantly like he had been. Any surgeries and invasive procedures we can eliminate in our house would be completely welcomed! I'm so glad we went with our guts and where we felt led and did not put him through more testing. And I'm praying he continues to do well on his meds!

Thank You, God, for grace over Jule's croup and giving wisdom when we asked!

2011

2011-12-20T10:34:00.000-08:00

I can't believe how quickly the end of 2011 is approaching. I am beyond thrilled to end this year and begin a new year. I did a quick count of some of our 2011 events.

In 2011:
6 Croup occurrences, 2 requiring ambulance rides
130 migraines
1 broken toe requiring surgery, 3 months to heal
1 Grandma gone and missed
15-20 pounds lost that didn't need to go
2 Preschools stating problems with my child
2 Different Evaluations of a "normal" child
34 Trips to the Pediatrician

That's a lot in a little less than 365 days. I guess I can understand why I feel so exhausted when I look at all that has happened in 2011. However, I am looking forward to 2012 being much better. I pray that the changes we are making help bring about a calmer, healthier year for all of us. I have two beautiful children who have no idea that 2011 was a difficult year, and I'm thankful that they are too young to understand it. I want to enjoy the short time that they are young. Too soon, they'll be teenagers and won't think I'm cool at all. So, I will enjoy that they think I'm awesome now. Looking forward to 2012 and the extra time I get to spend with the kids by being home with them.

9 more days of actual work until I'm a stay-at-home mom!

She is Here Today

2011-12-15T17:51:00.000-08:00

Today is my birthday. I have been dreading it for weeks now because I knew she would not be here. There would be no phone call or card in the mail. There would be no easily recognized voice singing to me over the phone. I knew she would be painfully absent. Yet somehow, Grandma showed up...in a duck.

Before you think I need to get a grip on reality, let me explain :) When Jule was 5 weeks old, his reflux was so bad that all he did was cry day and night when he wasn't asleep. So, with Kevin's agreement, the kids and I flew to Indiana for 3 weeks to get some help. While my Mom and Dad had to work, my grandparents were all retired and had plenty of time to play with 2 1/2-year-old Noly, and screaming Jule. One day, when we were at my granparents', Noly became obsessed with this duck. Grandma had many little duck figurines, and Noly loved dragging this one around. Since Noly and Jule had two grandmas and two great-grandmas, my dad's parents quickly became known as Grandma & Grandpa Duck. Both kids always knew who we were talking about when we called them by that name.

When Grandma died, Grandpa sent this duck home for Noly to remember Grandma by. It's not something the kids normally play with, but let me tell you...this duck has made so many appearances today. For some reason, the kids kept bringing it to me. I am sad today, but I'm also ok. She IS here today...not in body, soul or spirit. She's here in the deposits she left in my life; she is here in my fond memories of many birthdays spent with her; she is here in my children's memories of her; she is here in this odd little duck that I have no idea why she bought; she is here in the musical gifts God has given me; she's even here in my memories of complete embarrassment when she kissed me goodbye in front of everyone in my college dorm.

God has granted me life...life from a 15-year-old girl and 17 year-old boy's accident. It was no accident to God, and He had plans for me from my very conception. I'm so thankful that God brought such a Godly influence into the life of an unplanned baby, and I treasure the memory of a Grandma whose eyes welled up with tears after spending just a couple of days away from me. I know she loved me greatly, and right now, she is fully experiencing the love of the One who made her. I love you, Grandma. Thank you for always making me feel so loved and celebrated on every single birthday (and every day).

The Studfinder

2011-12-11T16:43:00.001-08:00

This weekend, I finally had everything I needed to hang my guitars on the wall. This seems to be the best choice to keep little hands away :) One thing that was VERY important was attaching the mounts to a stud. I had no idea how to find a stud, and Kevin didn't know for sure either, so we bought a studfinder. They look great, and they are not going anywhere.

I started thinking about how important it is to be anchored to the "stud" in our lives. Without God's strength and faithfulness, we would surely come crashing down. But when He is the One that is holding us up, the One we are anchored to, we can be absolutely confident that we are trusting in a secure stronghold. He keeps us safe from the dangers that would destroy us. And no matter how "heavy" we are, He's got it...no problem. I'm glad He is easier to find than a stud ;)

Small Updates

2011-12-09T07:02:00.001-08:00

I'm still crying most days when I think about my Grandma, but I know I am just grieving and not depressed. I know this will get better and that it's completely ok to grieve.

The State evaluators called me this week to tell me Jule is completely fine and does not need any type of intervention. They were very impressed with his cognitive skills too! So, with two separate evaluations coming back good, I feel like my first instincts that he is fine have been confirmed! It is a relief to have experts tell you that your feelings are right :)

Noly got her Kindergarten reading evaluations back, and she is reading at a first grade level. I'm so proud of her. She tries to read everything and is very quick to learn blended letter sounds that I teach her. Of course, I would be proud of her even if she was not reading at a K5 level, but it's nice to have some areas in our lives that are not a struggle!

I am back up to 19 migraines in the past month, so I called the Neuro to see if the Botox has been approved by my insurance company. I'm in pain almost daily, and it's miserable. It would be really awesome if the Botox could give me months of relief...and with no pill to add to my system.

Jule has been croup-free for several months now, and I'm happy to say that a happy, giggly little boy is quickly emerging. He is a riot, and he is completely addicted to me (which I am loving). I know it won't last long. Noly is having a hard time when Kevin travels and wants her Daddy to be home all the time, so I do worry a little that it will be hard for her when I am at home full-time and he has to travel more. I will just have to come up with fun things to keep her mind busy, and maybe we can Skype with Kevin some. I'm very much looking forward to being home and having some down time to recover from the past 3.5 years :)

A Birthday Without a Card

2011-12-01T08:35:00.000-08:00

I am so sad. It's December, which usually means a lot of celebrating. However, this year December is bringing a lot of pain. My birthday is in a couple of weeks, and it will be the first year of my life that I will not be getting a Birthday card from my Grandma. It breaks my heart. She always found the card that said what she wanted it to say, and she would cross out and write in different words if it wasn't exactly what she wanted to say. She would also underline words in the pre-printed text that meant a lot to her. I'm not one to save cards, but I saved last years because she wrote such a special note in it. Last year, she wrote, "Happy Birthday, you have been such a Blessing and for all the Love and Joy you have given to us. God bless you." How that both rips my heart out and brings me such joy now. If there is anyone I look like, it's her. If it's anyone I act like, it's her.

I just cannot decorate for Christmas this year. I am doing a small tree and special small decorations just for the kids, but they aren't old enough to know that I would usually have a big tree and tons of decorations up by now. Christmas was Grandma's favorite day of the year. It was obvious she lived for it! She would make 5 different desserts, two different meats, several vegetables and whatever else necessary so that everyone there had something on the table that was their favorite. She greatly treasured her family, and it was especially obvious on this day. Just two weeks before she died, I sat with them at dinner while they ate and was coordinating with my Uncle over the phone when we would all be home for Christmas so that we could all be there together, and she just beamed. I didn't know those plans would never happen...nor did she.

When our first baby, Hannah, passed away, Grandma called me to tell me how sorry she was and had to hang up the phone because she was crying so much. It touched me at such a deep level. She had lost her first baby too. She understood, and she wept with me. I am so blessed and so grateful that God gave me someone who my heart was linked to and that I got to have her in my life for almost 37 years. I miss her. I love her. And I know she is having her greatest Christmas yet...she is celebrating Jesus' birth WITH Him. For now, I mourn and grieve, but I know time will bring a certain healing. One day, hopefully many years from now, we will celebrate together again in the presence of the One we celebrate during this season.

Ahhhh....weekend!

2011-11-19T14:09:00.001-08:00

We are having a nice weekend. Kevin's parents were able to keep Noly last night, so we took Jule to Costco to stock up on some items we will need after I quit working. We are trying to stock up on a year's supply of TP, Paper Towels, etc. whenever Costco has coupons.

My foot feels like it is healing again, but I'm being careful so that I can hopefully walk soon. We found scooters at Costco and Home Depot and a wheelchair at Kohl's. It was nice to be able to shop a little. Jule was delightful and enjoyed everywhere we took him. He keeps telling me his tummy hurts at random times, which was a little confusing to me. This morning, he had only been up for a few minutes and told me his tummy hurt while smiling. It occurred to me that maybe he is hungry...yep, happy my tummy hurts means hunger; crying my tummy hurts means feeling icky. I'm glad it's getting a little easier to figure him out.

Noly is quickly maturing, and I want her to slow down! She is becoming so independent and is truly helpful with Jule sometimes. Today, she called me from Kevin's parents' house to tell me she went outside with them to pick some little oranges. I'm not sure what they are, but she had a lot of fun picking them. Kevin took Jule out to pick her up, so I got to have some time at home alone. That is always nice! These are the ordinary weekends I crave more of!

Healing and Rebuilding

2011-11-16T09:57:00.000-08:00

So, thankfully, the pin did not hurt at all coming out. I told the tech I was nervous, and he assured me it would not hurt. I thought for sure he was just saying that...you know, they often tell you it won't and it does! I heard a pop and looked down, and it was out! The Ortho said I could be off of my crutches but have to wear my boot until the hole seals. I was so excited and walked all over yesterday....and today, I'm paying for it. By last night, I was in unbearable pain, and we had to stay home rather than go to our Small Group Thanksgiving. I got the crutches back out because I want to get some relief. I know the healing will come...in time, it will come. I know this is only temporary.

I was reading Jeremiah 33 today, and it really echoed what I have felt God saying...that He will bring us health and He will "rebuild" us. Verse 6 stuck out to me, "Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security." I don't know that I'll ever know exactly why we have gone through these years of illness, but I know God will bring us healing. Joel 2:25-26 says, "And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpiller, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you. And ye shall eat in plenty, and be satisfied, and praise the name of the LORD your God, that hath dealt wondrously with you: and my people shall never be ashamed."

I remember feeling like I was on top of the world in December 2002. I graduated college and was working my dream job as a Tax Preparer at a CPA firm. I could foresee myself being there forever. I know I'm a nerd, but I loved the challenge of preparing taxes. When I was in the Master's Program, I became pregnant after 10 years of infertility. It was so unbelievable and exciting! My heart was crushed when I found out that our baby had passed somewhere between my 8 week ultrasound and my 11 week. But in that 11 weeks, my heart had changed. All I wanted was to be a Mommy. I discontinued the Master's Program after becoming pregnant and miscarrying numerous times. It was just too much for me emotionally. I had been an intern at the CPA firm, so I was done there once April 15 came and went. I decided I wasn't in any shape to give the commitment that kind of a job demanded.

When I started working for the State and eventually had Noly and Jule, my life became all about them. But a large part of that was my providing them with Insurance through my job. I find myself thinking, "What am I doing? I'm quitting my job at a time when Jule seems to be getting better and we seem to have found a good migraine preventive?" I really have no explanation. But, at the same time, I have the most compelling explanation my mind can find...we're doing our best to follow the Giver of Life. Just as I thought that CPA Firm was the best thing and was wrong, God has such good things planned for me and my family. I'm so thankful for where He is leading us!

The Pin is Coming Out

2011-11-14T11:09:00.000-08:00

In a few minutes, I'm heading over to the Orthopedist to get this pin out of my foot! I'm so excited (and scared)! I'm hoping to be able to walk right out of his office.

We had a nice weekend despite both kids being sick again. Noly had a slight fever again Friday night after not having one from Monday thru Thursday. Saturday morning, both kids had horrible sounding breathing and deep coughs. Thankfully, our Pediatrician was the one working this past Saturday, so we got in with him right when they opened. He put them both on oral and nasal steroids, and they both sound much better. Even with all of this, we did not hear a hint of croup! That brings my mommy heart such great joy!

I played keys for church again, and the sermon was excellent! It was basically about how you can't out give God. He was talking about how God blesses your finances when you tithe AND will rebuke the devourer for you. And I realized, as much as he's blessed our two incomes, He will bless us with only one because we will tithe. One income with His blessing and covering is more than enough! It was hard to make the transition to giving a full 10% before Noly was even born, but God has been so faithful to more than cover what we are giving back to Him. He has truly blessed us! Time to go...time to get the pin out!

Bye, Bye Croup

2011-11-10T11:17:00.001-08:00

Well, Jule is starting to get over a head cold that started on Sunday. I'm very encouraged that we have not seen any croup. He has been severely stuffed up and coughing, and all of this would have triggered croup in the past. I am hopeful that the increase in his reflux meds will put an end to our frequent companion, Croup! I am also hoping that we will not need to do any of the invasive testing because Jule has simply been through too much already.

I'm scheduled to get my pin out on Monday as long as the xrays look good. I cannot wait to walk again! I'm not sure if my foot will continue to swell after the pin comes out or not; I've read conflicting reports on the internet. It's been amazing to me to discover how much some people will go out of their way to help and others will turn around and pretend you aren't there. I hope it will make me more aware of others needing assistance around me.

I'm having moments of elation when I think about being home with Jule and being able to relax and cuddle with him during the day, and I can't wait to spend the summer with both of my kids doing fun things and hopefully spend a few weeks up North with my parents and extended family. I'm also having moments of fear because I'm leaving the familiar, the seemingly secure, the lunch hours where I can just sit with a friend and relax. Work is not usually truly work for me. It is very low-key most of the time, and it's not difficult. Raising kids....THAT is difficult. I have the utmost respect for those moms who stay at home with their kids. I adore my kids, but I also like having a little break from them during the day. I guess my thoughts are kind-of jumbled. I do firmly believe this is where God is leading our family, so at least my mind isn't jumbled about that! I have several friends who are part of a Bible Study on Thursdays, and I definitely want to be part of that. I'm just doing my best to keep my eyes and ears open to where God is directing. At least after Monday, I will hopefully be able to WALK in that direction!

Labor

2011-11-07T07:30:00.001-08:00

I played keys for a retreat our church was having Friday night, and I found myself in tears again. God began showing me that it will not always be like this, and that He has a ministry for me to do. He is going to bring healing to our household. I don't know when it will happen, but He began filling me with a hope for our future, a hope of a more "normal" life. We sang "Your Love Never Fails," "Our God," and "We Still Believe." Some of the phrases that stuck with me were "there may be pain in the night, but joy comes with the morning," "our God is healer, awesome in power," and "though the journey has been hard...Your faithfulness is our reward."

Sometimes, I go back and read my journal to help me remember things that God has been speaking to my heart. It's very easy to forget with the busy buzz of life. I went back to a year ago and read that God had been speaking to me about entering into a time of rest. He was also speaking to me about all of this pain and turmoil being a time of "labor" that will give birth to a ministry. I had completely forgotten about all of this. 2011 has been anything but a time of rest for me. It has been very hard, very trying. It gets to the point where it feels like this is how it will be forever. But God is renewing in me that word..."rest." I believe He is going to bring us a time of health, rest and renewal.

I am praying about what God wants to come out of this time of being at home. Does He want me to move away from Accounting and towards a Ministry? Should I use the time at home to study for and get my CPA license? That would really help me land a good job when it's time to go back to work. However, it would be worthless if God is calling me into a ministry. Definitely, I will be able to spend more time with the kids, and I won't have to use so much of my time trying to prepare for the next work/school day. But my heart really yearns to know what God desires during this time. I don't feel like this is a light decision, and I also feel like it is a life-changing decision. How wonderful life could be when we are not constantly sick and going to doctor appointments! I don't know if my mind can even wrap around what a more normal life is like.

I'm embarking on something I never thought I would do. If I think about it very much, my stomach starts to turn and flip because it is still terrifying to me in some ways. I have to bring my mind back to the truth that God will provide all we need, that He has a plan for our lives, and that we are walking in a direction that He has made vivid and clear to us and that He will continue to guide us as we seek Him.

Resigned

2011-11-01T11:34:00.000-07:00

The dictionary definitions of "resign" are as follows:
1. to give up an office or position, often formally
2. to submit; yield: to resign before the inevitable.
3. to give up
4. to relinquish (a right, claim, agreement, etc.).
5. to give or sign over, as to the control or care of another
6. to submit (oneself, one's mind, etc.) without resistance.

In more than one sense, I have resigned. I never thought that the day would come that I would resign from my State job, and certainly not in the state our economy is in. But, I have resigned. My last day of employment with the State will be 1/6/12. I want to give them enough time for me to train someone to fill my spot. I want to treat my boss with the kindness and respect she has shown me, so I'm giving them a 2 month notice.

The reason I am resigning is because I have resigned. I'm giving myself over to the control and care of the One Who has all things in His control. The One Who loves me the most and has higher thoughts and plans for me than I can ever have for myself. As we sat in church Sunday, my husband and I were both struck with the overwhelming confirmation that, indeed, God was leading me to quit my job. We sat in two different services because I played keys for both services, and he did not make it to the first service with the kids. So, here we were, in two different services (though the same sermon), and God spoke the very same thing to our hearts. When we talked last night, I was almost giddy. I actually would prefer to work...it's easier in some ways. But I know enough to know that obedience to God's nudging will result in what is best for my life, for my family, for my heart. Ultimately, God will do a work that will far surpass what can happen when I take my life path into my own hands.

He has been so faithful to bring us these two little treasures, and it has been a very difficult journey for the past three years with Jule's health, etc. I believe He is about to do something new in our lives, and I believe it will result in some heart and life changes for me. And it all started with a stubbed toe. What seemed to be a huge imposition has turned into the very thing that God spoke to our hearts through. We have asked for wisdom, and He answered. We have stood still and are seeing the the salvation of the Lord.

Daycare is going well for Jule, and my migraines only totaled 7 for the month of October. We have definitely seen some improvements in some things. So, it's not about removing Jule from Daycare, and it's not that my migraines are too bad for me to work. It is about obedience. Sensing a move of God and going in that direction. Stepping out in faith that God will provide all we need. Learning to rely on Him more. We're about to jump off of the cliff in faith, knowing that the mighty hand of God will catch us. Ready for the ride?

Random Sunday

2011-10-30T12:43:00.000-07:00

You may have noticed that the blog looks a little different. I was having problems with aura migraines being triggered with the previous colors, so I switched it. I don't like it as well, but it doesn't hurt my head.

We are still praying about my job situation. I am still on crutches but only have two weeks to go until I can get the pin out and start walking again! I was finally able to get my hair done...3 weeks later than I normally would. Jule is now in the 3's class at school even though he is not potty trained because he interacts so much better with the 3's than the 2's. They may even say that they think he is "normal" at this point? He has been doing much better overall at school since his ears no longer hurt. Noly is still loving school. She got a gash in her head on Tuesday from the Pledge can falling on her head from a shelf. Thankfully, they were able to glue it rather than stitch it! Kevin is doing well and is probably as anxious as I am for me to walk again.

That pretty much sums up our week. It was very physically draining for me, but it ended better than it began! Our small group is so wonderful and so many people are offering to help me out while my foot is healing. I'm very thankful for the group of people we do life with.

My Favorite Things

2011-10-25T11:23:00.001-07:00

We have a lot of if's and maybe's floating around right now, so I wanted to freeze time a little to jot down my favorite things about the kids at THIS stage in their lives:

Noly just turned 6. I love the way she is learning to sound out words. I love how she writes me sweet little notes that came straight from her head. I love her sweetness and her willingness to help me. I love how she ALWAYS has to go to the bathroom in the middle of every meal. It's just her. I love her fashion sense and her sense of humor. I love how she can be so kind to her little brother even when he is annoying her, and I love her determination to dress him up as a Princess no matter how much he initially resists. At this point, I would guess she would be a vet when she grows up, though she thinks she should be a superstar. I love that she wants to name her son (which she hopes not to have) Sonic and her daughter (which is all she wants) Sally. I love her laid back personality and the way she seems to command the attention of everyone in the room when she walks in.

Jule is just over 3. I love his new love for cuddling since I hurt my foot and how he says, "Sit on my lap" every evening. I love his drive and determination. I love his fuzzy blonde hair and find myself rubbing his head often. I love the way he resists dressing as a Princess but gives in to make his Sissy happy. I love the way he sings his ABC's at the top of his lungs and then cheers for himself when he is done. I love that he picks out the same CARS 2 book every time he wants me to read to him and how he gets upset when we come to the page he tore out months ago every time we see it. I love how he greets me with "Good morning, Mommy" every morning. I really love that he is not a morning person like me. It helps provide a balance when we have two other cheerful morning people in the house :)

I know all of the things they are doing now will change soon...they always do. I just have to remember to write them down more often.

Changes on the Horizon

2011-10-24T09:48:00.000-07:00

I have been asking God for wisdom....wisdom regarding Jule's health, regarding my health, regarding my job, etc. And God has been abundantly answering. He pours out wisdom on those who ask just like James 1 says. Jule has been napping, actually napping, at school since we upped his reflux meds. He also sounded like croup was coming Saturday evening, BUT he slept peacefully through the night. Only God could give the kind of insight we needed to link the croup and reflux together. I'm so thankful for the doctors He has brought into our lives.

The Keppra is making a huge difference in my migraines. In August, I had 17 migraines. I started Keppra towards the end of September and ended up with 14 migraines in September. So far for October....5. Yep, 5! I have been keeping track of them for years, and 5 is by far the lowest number on my sheet. I know October isn't over yet, but my quality of life is improving so much. I cannot imagine what I will be able to do once I can walk again!

I played keys for church this weekend, and as we rehearsed, I felt a release. It was odd. I was completely teary-eyed, and it wasn't even a special, deep moment. God was working in me. I began considering that maybe God wants me home. I had been ok with that thought if I got fired because at least unemployment could pay for Insurance for a time. But the thought of just quitting my job never seemed to be an option. I thought surely this was just a passing thought but asked God to confirm it if that is His plan. The sermon was very much giving me the same feeling. So, I talked to Kevin during dinner last night. We realized that I pretty much work for free once we pay my tithe and childcare expenses. It's just the insurance. So, we are praying about me quitting in a few months if his company can afford to pay for the COBRA insurance. By the time COBRA would go away, Jule would be in Kindergarten and I could go back to work with a hopefully very healthy little boy. This is just in the beginning stages, and we are praying and asking God what He wants us to do. It would not harm my years of service at the State, but merely put them on pause. Kevin would have to travel more, but we think it may also help my migraines and stress level. I know God will give us wisdom in this because we have already seen Him move so vividly in Jule's life. Please pray with us for clear direction in the upcoming weeks/months.

Psalm 27:14

2011-10-18T11:00:00.000-07:00

Today, as I was doing my work, I glanced at BibleGateway's verse for today. It was Psalm 27:14, "Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD."

As I sit here "waiting," I'm doing my best to be strong and courageous. I have to admit, it's hard. I went to the Orthopedist yesterday, and he said I will need to have the pin in for 4 more weeks and be on crutches for 4 more weeks. I'm getting very physically worn out. It's hard to keep up with the kids, especially when Kevin is on the road. Jule has become aware that I cannot physically do what I used to and is taking advantage. Noly is being very helpful and has even become more independent during this time. I just have to wait 4 more weeks, then I can walk normally again!

We had an appointment with an ENT for a second opinion on Jule's frequent, complicated croup. The first ENT, who we love, just pretty much left it open ended. Our Pediatrician felt like he needed to be further assessed. The new ENT is awesome. Unfortunately, there are three things he feels we need to have done. He is not sure whether Jule's reflux is truly controlled or not. To our naked eye, it seems pretty well controlled though he has infrequent choking and vomiting. It is nowhere near what it used to be. But what our eyes cannot see could be wreaking havoc. So first, he would like to have a feeding-type tube put down Jule's nose for 24 hours. This would measure the pH levels or something and see how much reflux he is having. It sounds horrible to have him awake and aware of all of this for 24 hours. I feel like he's already suffered so much, but it also feels necessary to get to the root of the problem. He would then like Jule to have another respiratory surgery and upper GI with biopsies to check on what could physically be going on. This was a lot for me to swallow, but we do feel it is a step in the right direction. We are upping his Prevacid to 2 pills a day rather than one because it is possible the croup got worse when Peds GI told us to go down to 1. Maybe that will solve the croup problem?

We have been continuing to have problems with the Daycare. He still loves to go, but he is wearing on their nerves. One problem is that he has been having fluid in his ears that is causing ear pain, so he is more crabby than usual. On top of that, my State job threatened to fire me if I don't stop missing so much work. I wish it was that easy. I would make Jule and I 100% healthy in an instant if I had that power. At least I know the One Who does. Without Him, I would truly be hopeless.

I am sorting through all of this and doing what I can and letting go where I have no control. Ultimately, I will be there for my son. He is my priority. Unfortunately, carrying insurance for him is part of taking care of him...making sure his medical needs are taking care of...and they are MANY. So, I ask for prayers for us...for our health, for wisdom for our doctors, for favor with my job. I'm doing the best I can. Through all of this, God hasn't changed and hasn't ceased to be there for me. He is the same today as He was when I held my long-awaited miracles in my arms for the first time. That was after a long fight and a long wait. I know that, when I wait again, God will be there in the waiting, and His glory will shine through. I also know His outcome may not be my desired outcome, so I give it to Him because His thoughts are much higher than mine.

I don't know that I'll ever look back on these times and laugh, but I will look back and know that God carried us through.

Gideon

2011-10-11T18:28:00.001-07:00

I've fallen very behind on both reading and writing blogs. I stubbed my toe a couple of weeks ago and both fractured and dislocated it near the joint. It was pointing the wrong way even after it was put back into place (ouch, btw), so I had to have surgery last week. While I was waiting on surgery, it seems that I caught Hand, Foot and Mouth from the ER. I had really high fevers and blisters all over my throat for 5-6 days...not fun, but it sure made me forget about my foot! When I got back to work, a warning from the HR department awaited me. My kind boss had gone down to HR to check on FMLA coverage for my surgery, and they saw how much I have been out in the past year. She tried to explain to them about my migraines and about Jule's health, but they didn't care. They told her she had to tell me I would be fired if my attendance did not improve. I told her I really don't have any control over it. I can't control when/how long Jule gets sick for, and we have made every attempt to control my migraines. When Kevin travels, I am left alone to keep Jule home when the Daycare won't allow him to be there due to sickness. It has been very overwhelming because I carry our insurance, and we REALLY need the insurance.

Sunday, our Pastor taught on Gideon. It touched me so deeply. He was talking about how God called him a mighty man of valor, or something like that, and how contrary to Gideon's thinking that was. I feel very much like a failure in my ability to function like a normal person daily. I feel like I am failing my family because I may not be able to keep the job that is providing our insurance. I am left feeling so "less than." But I know that God is ultimately in control of the situation, and I know that insurance really doesn't matter in light of eternity. I still care, but I cannot carry the weight of it. Either God will bring us healing, or He will provide for our medical care. He has a plan so much bigger than my mind can know.

I did start a new migraine preventive the night before I broke my toe, and it is making a HUGE difference with minimal side effects! I'm very thankful for some head relief!

Standing Still

2011-09-21T07:43:00.000-07:00

James 1:5 says, "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." I have been speaking that verse and praying that God would give me wisdom in dealing with Jule and wisdom in dealing with the school., AND He is so faithful to answer.

This weekend, I thought of a consequence to try for him to get him to stop screaming. We tried it, and it worked in 1 minute. We have used it consistently, and it has cut his screaming from hours to one whole minute. My head is so thankful! They have also implemented it at school, and it is helping them too.

I have really been struggling with what to do regarding the school. I strongly feel he is supposed to be there, but I did not know what to do with the Director. I went to small group last night, and we talked about standing still. Sometimes, it is not in moving forward that you are actually moving forward. When God says to stand still, you gain ground by doing just that.

Ephesians 6:10-17 "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God."

II Chronicles 20:17 "You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you."

God has been so faithful to make very clear to me that I don't need to "do" anything right now. I don't have to try to convince her of anything. I don't need to fight for my cause. He is keeping Jule safe, and somehow, God will shine through in this situation. I have no idea what that will look like, but I need to obey and stand. I've done a lot...we have gone to many, many doctors to help him out with his physical needs and whatever else he has needed. And right now, I just need to stand firm. It gives me a certain peace, even though my heart is still sad remembering what she said about him. I'm praying for God to move in the situation.

Hard Day

2011-09-19T19:20:00.000-07:00

It's been a very hard day for me. Once again, I was called into the Director's office at Jule's school. She was out last week and wanted to know how his evaluation went. I smiled and told her the good news. Unfortunately, she did not share in my joy. Her face fell into a frown, and she said, "I can't believe they would say he is normal." Everything in me wanted to attack. He is my baby! She went on to question who we used, what tests they ran, etc. I told her we waited 4 months for the best doctors we could find and that they used the same tests they use on all of the other kids. I have no idea what they were named. She just kept shaking her head and saying she couldn't believe they could say he's normal. She said he cannot speak up to par, and I told her two separate speech pathologists determined his speech to be in an acceptable range. She said normal children take naps. I told her they said he was within normal limits because he sleeps 12 hours at night with no problem. She just kept rejecting what they said.

My heart was so broken, but I knew I had to keep calm and keep my tongue under control. I was mad...I was heartbroken that someone would speak about my son like that. Once again, he has been labeled, only this time, I know very much that it is an incorrect label. His teachers are amazing and did not react this way, so I want to keep him there at this point. He still LOVES going and his teachers' faces light up when he walks in all happy in the morning. We talk about what forms of discipline work best with him, and we are truly working together to bring about a more non-screaming Jule. I am still scared. I'm scared he will get kicked out. Not because he is naughty, and I'm not even sure what the reason would be. My heart is so heavy tonight, even to the point that I feel I could vomit, but I know God is at work in the midst of the situation. He still loves our sweet Jule and made him every bit as unique as he is.

Jeremiah

2011-09-15T11:29:00.000-07:00

Last Friday was really difficult for me. I thought that Jule's fresh start at his new school was going perfectly. When the Director talked to me, it sent fear through my heart. I was so happy they were loving him despite his difficulty, but I was disheartened because they too were having problems with him. Thankfully, the problems were not with tactile sensitivity anymore. He has completely outgrown all of that! I drove to work very discouraged, knowing that his evaluation appointment was even more important to keep now.

As I sat and worked, I was listening to Chuck Swindoll's "Insight for Living" online. His topic was the prophet Jeremiah. He talked about how Jeremiah was known as the weeping prophet, yet he had a strength to stand alone against the evil of the day. Some of the phrases from Jeremiah 1 that he used were"fortified city," "iron pillar," and "bronze wall." Then it hit me very hard. Jule is VERY much all of those things. He is unmovable, he is determined, yet he is so sweet and compassionate. I remembered how God spoke to me when I was 14 and told me I would have a son, and I remembered how He began to reveal to me that this son would be a prophet through the book of Jeremiah. I don't know if He was speaking to me over the 20 years to encourage me through these times, but it sure does make a difference in my perspective. I would not say it makes it any easier, but it helps me keep eternity in mind. It surely drives me to my knees in my efforts to raise this treasure God has given us. I know there will be times I will fail, but God knew that I could do it with His help.

He is out of school today because of pink eye, and the stress just doesn't seem to end. However, I do know the One Who knew Jule before he was even formed in my belly, and I know He will give us grace and direction as we journey through this thing called parenthood.

Developmental Pediatrics

2011-09-14T11:09:00.001-07:00

This morning, we went to Jule's Developmental Peds appointment. I could not wait to get there and get it over with because I was really getting confused about what is going on with him. He loves his new school, but they have also been having problems with him. They did not say they think he is autistic but said they thought he should be evaluated because he screams frequently for no apparent reason. They said he often screams when the other children get anywhere near a toy he is playing with. They told me all of this Friday, and to say I have been stressed out is a huge understatement. Whether Jule had autism or a developmental delay or whatever else would not change my love for him or my determination to help him in any way I can. It's just that I am SO physically limited with my migraines, and I didn't know how I would physically be able to handle even more OT appointments or take him to another school that involved further driving. It is not out of lack of desire, but out of my physical limitation.

Much to my relief, Jule is not even on the autism spectrum. His developmental testing came back at his age level, so there is no need to take him back at all! To hear those words made me feel like I could breathe a little again. Now, we need to work with his school to help him learn not to scream. His new school is amazing, and they treat him with love and kindness even though he is difficult. He still loves going every day, which makes us very happy! The Peds Specialist thinks he has had so much physical pain and sickness in his 3 years of life that he has just learned to scream. Whether it is for something he wants, doesn't want or is in pain, he screams. Because he is very determined and strong willed, it could carry on for hours. So, she suggested a book for some ideas since we have not been able to come up with anything to truly stop him. I do not want to break his strong will. He needs it to do what God has called him to do. But I want him to learn to express himself without ear-piercing screams. I am praying that God would give us and the school wisdom on how to work with him to help him. I am also praying they will remain loving and have the patience to work with us and him through it. I am still nervous that there will come a point when they will have to kick him out, but I'm praying not.

Solomon talked a LOT about wisdom, and my prayer is for wisdom and God's insight on how to help Jule become the man he needs to be.

Small Updates

2011-09-06T08:51:00.000-07:00

I am happy to report that Jule is doing amazing in his new school! We are very happy with the new school, and he is happy to go every morning. He is in a class size of 6 compared to 14 at the last school. Also, his teacher truly loves him and enjoys him. It is so different from him having a teacher that barely tolerated him. When we moved him, we chose not to reveal any information about the other school's issues with him, except for the fact that he does not nap. His new school keeps telling us how smart he is and how funny he is and how proud of him they are for knowing his colors. This is so different from hearing that he doesn't interact with other kids, screams all the time and doesn't know any words but "otay." I am very thankful that he is doing so well and that they love him so much. I am still taking him to be evaluated by Developmental Pediatrics next week mostly because we went through a lot to get the appointment. I'm fairly certain they will say nothing is wrong with him, though I'm not sure what they will think about him not being able to jump yet.

Noly is doing very well in Kindergarten. She loves riding the bus for a short time in the mornings and loves everything about school. She already has homework and is not really fond of that. She keeps getting in trouble for playing and not listening, but I'm wondering if part of it is her level of excitement about school. She gets wound up very easily. One nice thing is that both kids are asleep by 8PM because they are so exhausted. That gives me some time to be alone a little or to be with Kevin when he is in town.

Work has slowed down, and for that, I am VERY thankful! I was working on a huge project part of July and most of August, and it left me little time to do anything extra. Hopefully, I'll have a little more time to blog ;)

Grace

2011-09-01T18:56:00.000-07:00

I would like to introduce you to my Grandma...her name was Grace. We named Noly after her when we named her Nolynn Grace. These pictures were taken the first week of August, and my Grandma died without much warning on 8/17/11. She lived in the same home for close to 50 years, she was married to my Grandpa for 61 years, she LOVED God, and she loved her family.

This is the last time we saw her. She was delighted that Jule cuddled up with her to listen to a music box. She was wearing a paper necklace that Noly made when we had visited two days before. She LOVED her great-grandkids...all 8 of them!

Obviously, I've known her all my life. She met my mom for the first time when my mom and dad told her that my mom was 15 and pregnant with me. I was her first grandchild! Though a very dedicated Christian, she was never ashamed of me just because I was born out of wedlock.

I want to share with you my first memory of her. I was there all the time when I was young, and when I was around Jule's age, I was playing with her. Her phone rang, and she talked for a minute before hanging up. I asked her to play with me again, but she told me, "That was someone from the church, and they had a prayer request for the prayer chain. I need to go pray first." I followed her as she went to her bedroom and got on her knees and immediately prayed for that prayer request. This woman was a prayer warrior, though she may have never even heard that phrase. She taught me to pray for people...to really pray. She taught me to make the time for God. When we went to her house after she died, I found her Bible with the final daily devotion she had read. My Grandpa was kind enough to let me have it, and I love to read through its worn pages just as she did. I love her notes and highlights, her handwriting, the tape where she had to put some ripped pages back together. I treasure her great love for our God.

I still cry a lot because I miss her. We talked at least once a week, and I miss our phone calls. I miss just knowing that she was there in her house...cooking and ironing. I am so thankful that God blessed me with a Grandmother who knew Him and who always pointed me to Him. I bet she is up in heaven dancing with my 8 children who left the earth before I could meet them...they are her great-grandchildren. I miss you, Grandma, and I love you. But most of all, I'm glad you loved Him.

My Grandma

2011-08-17T02:17:00.001-07:00

My Grandma died in the middle of the night. I will share more in the future, but for now, I just can't stop crying.

Struck Down, But Not Destroyed

2011-08-15T11:45:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have been feeling very overwhelmed. I know that seems to happen a lot. A few weeks ago, Jule became very sick. Once again, we had to call an ambulance because he had severe croup that made breathing very difficult. He was also running 103 fever, and we could not get any meds into him because the goal with croup is to keep them calm. So, once again, we took off in an ambulance. The next morning, Kevin took him to the Pediatrician, and our very calm Ped was fairly alarmed at how bad Jule sounded even after having the maximum amount of steroids. I was unable to go to work because Jule was so sick, and Noly woke up with close to 102 fever the morning after the ER, and work became very frustrated with me. It felt like everything was beyond what I could bear and definitely beyond what I could control. My brother-in-law was able to keep Noly at the office so that I could work for the last few days of the week. Then, we headed to Indiana.

By this time, I had caught whatever the kids had. So, our drive was very difficult. 15 hours is a long drive when you are feeling well, and it feels like an eternity when you are sick and have a migraine. We made it up there, and I had lost about 6 lbs. in the two days we traveled. I did have a nice time with my family, but I did not truly feel good the whole time. Our trip back went a little better, and I had Jule alone last week. There was a lot to do to prepare for Noly's entrance into Kindergarten this week, so my week was very busy with just one child.

On top of that, my migraines have skyrocketed. We are having evening thunderstorms almost every evening. And while that is good for the drought, it is really bad for my head that feels every minuscule pressure change in the atmosphere. It is August 15, and I've already had 8 migraines this month. So, I've not been a very happy camper to say the least.

Here are some verses that are encouraging to me right now:

Psalm 94:17-19, "Unless the LORD had given me help, I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death. When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your unfailing love, LORD, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy." (Thanks, John!)

II Corinthians 4:8-10,16-18 "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body."
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

Though I am not giving up, I am simply only able to take life minute by minute at the moment. I don't know how Jule will do in a new school. Will they also think he is autistic? Will they treat him kindly and lovingly? Will he be happy there? How many more times will we need to call 911 because he is struggling to breathe? I do believe Noly will LOVE her new school, and she will even get to ride the bus in the morning for all of 10 minutes :) Will my migraines slow down at all? The pain can be so unbearable. I can only take it minute by minute and fix my eyes on the fact that it won't be like this forever. There is most likely a work being done in me just like there was one being done in me when I went through so many miscarriages...though I could not see it then. I trust Him....with my life, with my children, with my love. If things could just slow down a little, I feel like I may be able to breathe!

Hello

2011-08-12T17:42:00.000-07:00

No, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth...just feel like I have ;) We have had a very busy July/August, and I feel like there is barely time to catch my breath. We were able to go to Indiana for a week to see my family, and Noly stayed for an extra week to spend time with her grandparents and great-grandparents. Jule starts at a new school/daycare on Monday...hallelujah! The one he has been in for the past year has left me with a bad taste in my mouth. He has had many wonderful teachers, but the class he has been in since about February has been less than desirable. I am ready for him to go somewhere that he is not labeled and given up on. It has been very difficult for me to wait for the opening at this new place, but I am sure it will be worth it! Noly starts K5 on Tuesday, and I am very happy with her teacher! She will be so excited to go to "real" school :)

I know I need to update more and promise to once work slows down and life gets into a routine again. We appreciate your prayers for Jule as he enters a new place!

Recent Happenings

2011-07-25T12:46:00.001-07:00

I'm very excited that we are going to see my parents soon! We really need a long vacation! My parents help so much with the kids, and it gives us such a needed break :) We have a lot of fun things planned, including spending as much time as we can with my grandparents. I'm so blessed that three of the four of them are still alive and are doing relatively well!

Saturday, Jule fell after coming up the stairs and really hurt his foot. He would not stand on it or walk without crying for two hours, so we decided he needed to go to the ER. Thankfully, he did not have any breaks or fractures. It swells up when he walks on it too much now, but he does not seem to be very bothered by it. I think it will feel back to normal in a few more days. Yesterday, Jule started running a fever, and today his breathing is not great. We are increasing his inhaler to twice a day to hopefully control the croup enough to keep him out of the ER. I feel so bad for him that he is sick so much. At least he won't remember it if he grows out of it soon!

I can't believe Noly starts real school in just a few weeks! She will be in all-day K5. She is so excited! We have all of the supplies she needs except for a new backpack and lunchbox. I want her to pick those out herself :) That's all I have for now...

Thirst

2011-07-14T15:36:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot lately about thirst. We have been in a drought and have finally been getting some rain here and there. The grass is so brown, the ground is so dry...and thirsty. I keep thinking about the woman at the well and how she was thirsty. She was probably physically thirsty, or she probably would not have been going to the well. She was also spiritually thirsty and had no idea.

It is so different when God pours down His presence into our circumstances. Even though the circumstances may not change, His saturation makes all the difference in the world. Just as our grass is beginning to turn green and come to life, His life brings true vitality to our hearts. Here are some verses that have been so encouraging to me:

Job 11:18a "You will be secure, because there is hope..." If I know that there is hope (and there is), then I can make it.

Isaiah 35:1 "The desert and the parched land will be glad; the wilderness will rejoice and blossom." 4a "Be strong, do not fear; your God will come..." 6b-7a "Water will gush forth in the wilderness and streams in the desert. The burning sand will become a pool, the thirsty ground bubbling springs..."

He is the refreshing stream that runs through our wilderness experiences, and He is our One Source of life...true life. For that, I am thankful.

A Better Day

2011-07-12T08:27:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling a little better about things today. We took the kids to the mall last night and then to Chick-Fil-A to eat and play. It really helps me when we can get out of the house and do fun things. While we were at CFA, a woman came in with her 2.5-year-old twins. They were adorable, and Kevin and I watched from outside the play area and talked about how we could not have handled our kids if they would have been born at the same time :) Kevin went in to tell the kids to go down the slide instead of up and started talking to the woman. She told him she had several miscarriages, and they finally gave up and decided to do Invitro. She had the same fertility doctor we had for Noly and Payton. It was almost comical because Noly and the twins were actually conceived in the same room, just a few years apart and DEFINITELY in separate petrie dishes ;) I wonder how many children Noly will come across in her life that were conceived in the very same way/place? Very odd, but also very cool!

I was reading in John 4 today about the woman at the well. I find it interesting that this passage is about thirst, both physical and spiritual. This woman had been married many times, which could represent her search and "thirst" for something that was missing from her life. She was talking to Jesus about the Messiah coming, and I can only imagine her surprise when He tells her that He is the Messiah...the One she is talking to is the very One she is talking about! It was a life-changing day for her, and many believed in Christ as a result. How satisfying is a drink from the Fountain of Living Water!

Venting

2011-07-11T11:54:00.000-07:00

I just need to vent a little bit. I'm miserable, and I feel like a terrible Mommy. It's not because of something I did, but because of something I missed out on...my baby boy's birthday bash :(

Saturday, we had a birthday party for Jule at Chick-Fil-A. It was just a few of our friends and their kids because Jule tends to get overwhelmed with too many kids, and he's scared to death of characters like Chuck E. Cheese. I came down with a stomach virus about 10 minutes before we had to leave. Kevin took the presents, party items and the kids, and I hoped that I would make it there a little while later. I just wasn't able to go, and it tore my heart out. I know Jule was oblivious, but I feel like I failed him. It probably isn't a big deal, but it feels like a big deal to me.

Also, my chiropractor had been helping a lot with my migraines, and my preventive was making my blood sugar drop frequently. So, the Neurologist told me I should go off of that particular preventive. Coming off of it was pure torture, but it has been out of my system for about 10 days now, and my sugar is doing much better. Unfortunately, my chiropractor had some schedule changes, and I was only able to see him about once a week. We have also had a lot of thunderstorms lately. All of this has sent me into a mass of migraines again. I'm so frustrated. We have a few other preventives to try, and I'm attempting to see the chiropractor every other day, but I'm so discouraged. I'm so tired of being in pain. I'm tired of trial-and-error meds that cause undesirable side effects. I just want to LIVE...you know, like a "normal" mommy!

I really detest migraines and wish nobody ever had to suffer from them :(

3 Years Ago Today

2011-07-07T09:56:00.000-07:00

3 years ago today, I was at work...just like today.
3 years ago today, I was in labor at work...not like today.

We live about 15-20 minutes from the hospital, and I had been having contractions since I was 25 weeks pregnant with Jule. I remember being miserable all night and waking up the next morning pretty sure that these contractions were going to bring us our baby boy. I decided to get up and go to work early so that I would not have to sit in 45 minutes of traffic on the way to the hospital, and my work is just a few blocks from the hospital.

I worked some, but I kept heading for the bathroom because my stomach was so sick. Then, I called Kevin and told him I really felt like this was the real thing and that I needed to get to the hospital. So, he came to work and picked me up. Many of my coworkers gathered around me, but I was in such a haze that I don't exactly remember a lot. I was in a lot of pain! I was 35 weeks 6 days along, and Noly had been born at 35 weeks 3 days. When I got to L&D, I found out I was dilating; and since I was just under 36 weeks, they kept me to see if I would keep going or stall out. I continued to dilate, and we knew little Jule was on his way into the world.

I thought about the date as the day progressed. It would be neat to have a baby whose birthday was 7/7...certainly easier to remember! To my surprise, 7/7 barely left, and my baby boy was born...literally minutes into 7/8. He screamed and screamed. I don't think there was a minute that he was not crying. They made a call and had some specialists come look at him, then they had to take him to another room and help his breathing. Everything happened so quickly that I really didn't even have time to get upset about them taking him from me. I had assumed his breathing would be fine since he was born later than Noly. He was in the NICU for one week and then came home to meet his big sister who was not so fond of him. She kept saying, "Daddy hold it," "Mommy, put it down. It sleep." Poor Jule :)

It took me a couple of weeks to realize that Jule's birthday was 5 years to the day that I found out I was pregnant for the first time ever. It made me weep because I realized that God gave us Jule just minutes into a date that was very significant for me. In 2003, my joy turned into mourning. In 2008, God brought me great joy. Such a seemingly unimportant detail meant the world to me...and He knew it would!

Why "Jule"

2011-07-05T15:50:00.001-07:00

Before Kevin was born, his parents had a baby boy who was born prematurely. He lived for only a few hours, and he was named after Kevin's Dad. I met Kevin online, and he told me the story before we had met in person. Once we decided to get married, we decided that we would name our son, Jule, if we ever had a son. Jule is named after his Grandpa, and he is also named after an Uncle he has never even met. I cannot believe our little Jule will be 3 in just a few days!

July 4th Memories

2011-07-01T11:38:00.000-07:00

It was June of 2002 when we bought our first home. We were so excited, and we were able to throw our first 4th of July party with many friends. We talked, ate, shot off fireworks, someone got hot pepper juice in their eye...you know, the usual. I remember it well!

So, we did the same thing on July 4, 2003, which the exception of the hot pepper incident. Only this year, I felt really strange. I was tired and achey. Everyone decided to go see fireworks somewhere, but we stayed home. I was ready to sleep. The thought never even occurred to me that I could be pregnant. After all, I had spent nearly 9 years unable to conceive. Why would this time be any different? Much to my surprise, I found myself staring at two pink lines on a pregnancy test just four days later.

Today, as I thought about our weekend plans, I found myself thinking back to July 4, 2003. Strangely, I longed to feel our baby Hannah in my belly again...to feel sick, to feel tired, to feel that surreal feeling that what I had prayed for for so long had finally happened. She was with me for 11 weeks, but she never became part of the family that we take to the park or the beach. I celebrate the two children that God gave me to take care of; they make me laugh daily. But I do still miss our little Hannah sometimes and wonder who she would have been. With her, I experienced seeing my baby's heartbeat on an ultrasound screen for the very first time, I experienced strong aversions to cheese for the very first time, and I experienced many other "firsts" with her in my belly. I do treasure that time, and I find myself thinking about her every so often, especially every 4th of July.

Some day, when my kids are much older, I may even share with them about their sister on the 4th of July. Happy 4th, everyone!

Speech-less

2011-06-22T17:22:00.000-07:00

Well, we are a speech-less family! I should explain. The Developmental Specialists are supposed to take a couple of months to have an opening for Jule, so I emailed his previous Speech Therapist to see if she could at least evaluate the speech portion of his "problems." Her name is Sarah. She got us right in, and we went bright and early Monday morning to see her. I really didn't know what she would say, and I dreaded the thought of getting up really early on Monday mornings again to take him to speech, but I was more than willing to do what Jule needed. He walked into the waiting room and played with the toys, and he didn't seem to remember where he was. He had not been there since the end of January or something like that. The minute he saw Sarah, he got all excited and took off for her office...without her! I loved how much he loved her and how excited he always was to see her. Several months made no exception! To our delight, Jule passed with flying colors. She said she is very comfortable with where he is at with his speech, and he has no need to go back! We celebrated the fact that he does not need help with his speech!

He has been changing so much in the past couple of months. With all of his breathing and croup issues, he has ALWAYS completely freaked out when they put the oxygen sensor on his finger. He also hated band aids with a passion. A few days ago, Noly needed a band aid, and Jule asked for one. I put it on his finger, and he did not mind one bit. It was so wonderful to see him take a step in the less-tactile-sensitive direction! He has been wheezing really bad for a few days, and he has been on a steroid inhaler once daily for over a month now. It has been helping, but I was not comfortable with the way his breathing sounded this morning. I took him to the doctor, and he was FINE when they tested his oxygen level. I told him it was a band aid, and he accepted it and was totally calm. Yay, Jule! And Yay, God, for doing such amazing things in this little boy. He is still very wheezy, which the doctor thinks is due to the high heat index, but he does not have croup and is happy.

I'm feeling better about his eventual Developmental appointment, though I'm not convinced that he will not need some Occupational Therapy. I have no idea. But it does my heart so much good to see him make strides verbally, emotionally and physically. He is still my wild at heart, strong-willed child, which I am so grateful for. I want him to have the character qualities he needs to become what God wants him to be. He may or may not have inherited his strong will from his Mommy ;)

At our church, we have crosses on the front walls. During an invitation time, anyone can go forward to write on a piece of paper and tack it to the cross. A few weeks ago, I felt like I was supposed to go and write a simple word on the paper...JULE...and place it on the cross. I had been living with such fear of what may be wrong with him, and I have to (sometimes daily) remember that he is God's and give him back to God. It was at the cross of Christ that a mother's heart broke as she watched "her" Son's torture, and it was at that VERY same cross that He won the victory for all of us. Truly, He is capable of handling my fears, my fragile mommy's heart, and each difficulty that we will encounter in this life.

Through Fire & Water to Abundance

2011-06-13T10:49:00.001-07:00

I was reading Psalm 66 today and ran across a verse that stood out to me...verse 12b says, "...we went through fire and water, but You brought us to a place of abundance." I feel very much like there has been a lot of fire and water for awhile now, but I also have hope that God will bring us to a place of abundance. I feel like I am constantly watching Jule for signs that something is wrong or for signs that he is fine. I am testing what the teacher said about him when I see the opportunity arise.

Last week, he walked up to me in socks and sandals. This was completely abnormal for him because he always insists on wearing shoes and socks. I hate it for him because it is so hot here. Apparently, Kevin put his socks on and Jule asked for sandals over the socks. So, after a few days, I decided to take it a step further. Just before we walked out the door, I put his sandals on really quick without putting socks on. He got a little upset, but I distracted him with a toy and rushed out of the house. I'm happy to say that he has been wearing, and even asking for, sandals ever since! What a victory over shoes :)

The school seems to be having a huge problem with him with tactile sensitivity. They said he screams when he touches fingerpaint or glue until they remove it from his presence. I found a Father's Day shirt at Walmart that allows you to put your child's handprints on it, so I bought it for my dad knowing that it would be an opportunity for me to see his reaction to the paints. Not only did Jule put his handprints on the shirt, he came back to me over and over to put more paint on his hands. As you can see, the shirt is VERY decorated, and there wasn't even an ounce of screaming coming from Jule!

Right now, we are discussing where to send both kids to school. Noly can go to public school, and Jule can continue where he is or at another church daycare/preschool nearby. Another option is to send them both to a private school that is just opening up this year. It really makes me nervous because I do not know if Jule would be kicked out of the private school. They clearly state on their website that they do not offer services for children with special needs, and I do not know what the developmental specialists will say at this point. So, we are praying for direction on where to send each child. One thing that God spoke to me as I was driving this weekend is that, even if Jule is rejected (somewhere), God ALWAYS has a place for him. So true.

You Reign

2011-06-04T18:54:00.000-07:00

Yet again, I am mentioning a 4 Him song :) We stopped in at Chick-Fil-A tonight to let the kids run off some energy; and as we walked back to our table, I heard 4 Him on the radio singing, "You Reign." Andy could really knock that one out of the park! I think I'm consistently brought back to that truth...He really does reign.

Earlier today, Noly and I were running some quick errands and "God, You Reign" by Lincoln Brewster came on. At the end, there are children saying, "God, You reign." Noly looked at me and said, "What does that mean?" I knew her mind was thinking of rain. I was explaining to her what that meant, and she seemed to at least grasp it partially. I explain it to her and I believe it, but there are so many times I don't live like I believe He reigns. I think that is one of the things He is trying to teach me in this season of life because that word keeps popping up all over. In truth, He is on the throne, but I don't often enough let Him sit on the throne and rule over my mind. This dizzy mind of mine is the domain of spiritual warfare...often!

I really, really worry too much and don't just trust often enough. I really, really try to control too much when I really just need to slide over and let God have the control. He made these two kids so completely and wonderfully how He wanted them to be made, and He gave them to me with the knowledge that I could raise them the way He wanted them to be raised if I would just partner with Him and learn from Him. Anything that I'm viewing as an imperfection is really still His perfect creation. If Jule is behind in his speech again, I need to remember that Moses stuttered. God had no problems using Moses when Moses chose to follow and obey. I will get all the help that Jule needs; and in the midst of it, I need to remember that God created him exactly the way he is for a reason. Yes, he is different by the world's standards, and it is a ton of work for Kevin and I; but God has a plan for him that may even spring forth through what seems less than perfect to us. Even if he has Autism, that does not negate the plan that God already has for Jule's life.

The end of "You Reign" goes...

"Everything You do always is perfect. There is none like You. Lord, You are worthy!"

AMEN!

I Cried Today

2011-06-03T18:56:00.000-07:00

I don't have a lot of time or brainpower because of a double ear and sinus infection, but I don't want to forget what I felt today and why I had the feelings I did. Since Noly and I were both home sick, I decided to run to her school for K5 next year to get the packet to fill out. It's only about a mile away, so it was no big deal. She liked seeing her school (from the view of the front office) and is excited about K-5.

While she was napping, I started to fill out a ton of paperwork, and I came across a question that almost sent me into hysterics. I'm not upset because my baby is going to "real school" next year, but I was terribly upset when I read something that I may have to answer differently in the future..."has your child ever received speech or another type of early intervention therapy?" The answer to that one for Jule will already have to be yes because he has had speech therapy. It then went on to ask what kind of disability or special needs your child has and if they have an EIP, etc. I do know what EI means and EIP, not in depth, but I have a broad idea. It just breaks my heart and sickens me that I don't know what is going to happen with Jule. I don't know how I will be answering those questions in regard to them. There are easy answers with Noly, thankfully! And it's not that I look down on those with disabilities. I think it's all of the questions that are not answered at this point.

I sent in the enormous amount of paperwork Thursday, so I hope to have an appointment with the Development Specialists soon for an evaluation for Jule. I think it may be more about grieving the loss of a dream...kind of like every miscarriage was. But I don't even know what to grieve at this point because I don't know what the specialists are going to say. I don't want my little guy to be an outcast in school like they say he is because he screams when his personal space is invaded. He is surely a delight to us, and I so want other people to be able to delight in him too, not just be irritated.

I'm losing my thoughts quickly here. I hope some of this makes sense.

The Unsung Hero

2011-05-26T11:05:00.001-07:00

This post is dedicated to the Unsung Hero...to Noly. God made her in such a way that she would provide much laughter and comic relief to our household. He made her laid-back and sensitive. He made her with captivating blue eyes that tell you of guilt before any physical evidence is discovered!

Though once a hater of dressing up in anything scratchy and Princess-like, she would one day become the Dress-Up Queen who surrounded herself with everything Princess. She would wear the most uncomfortable dress all day because it looked beautiful even if it made her skin crawl, though you never would have thought so based on the photo below!

When taken to Build-A-Bear, this little Hero would come up with a concoction that even made the girl behind the counter burst out in laughter. She would then "skate" her little creation named Princess all through the mall, pulling the attention of almost everyone walking by!

She would discover that tu-tu's are made for more than just beautiful skirts; they can also double as hair if you feel that your hair is not pink or fluffy enough! I guess if you had a brown tu-tu, you could dress up as a lion with only a moment's notice?

And if you were this little Unsung Hero named Noly, you would have the biggest heart to deal with a little brother who was difficult to get along with. Even though he screamed until you often ran away covering your ears, you would be back quickly to put your arm around him and offer him your protection and comfort.

I'm so thankful for this little girl!

My Son

2011-05-25T10:42:00.000-07:00

20 minutes after birth, I still had not held my son. I watched as they did all of the weighing, the wiping off, etc. Then, they did something strange...they called someone on the phone. I knew it wasn't normal because they did not do that with Noly. I asked what was wrong and told them I wanted to hold my son. They told me I could only look at him and said he was "grunting" and may need a little help breathing. So, a week later, I got to take my baby home from the NICU with paperwork that documented Jule's medical problems...20 minutes after birth.

When Jule reached 4 weeks old, he began to scream for hours on end. I would feed him for an hour, burp him and change him for an hour, lay him down so we could sleep for an hour, and then start all over again. If I didn't burp him for an hour, he would spit up everywhere the minute I put him down. I soon learned something else was wrong with my son...reflux. We often went through 50 burpcloths a day, and he spent most of his time screaming. He was a beautiful baby, and I loved watching as his curly hair appeared; but my heart broke that something was wrong with him.

When he was 5 months old, he woke up with his first case of croup. He was retracting horribly & drooling, and I was so glad when the ambulance arrived. He was admitted to the hospital with a case of complicated croup. Once again, something was wrong with my child. Good thing I didn't know that this would happen over and over again!

Periodically, we would go through normal illnesses like any family does. Jule had 2 sets of tubes, his adenoids removed and continued to have reflux past the age that most babies stop having it. I took great delight in his beautiful ringlets and resisted cutting his hair even though many people thought he was a girl! Isn't that head of hair gorgeous!

Through all of the croup, the ear infections and resulting tubes, the frequent screaming, the speech therapy, I became a Mommy who would have to stand up and fight for the rights of my baby. So, when I went to the p/t conference, I really didn't expect to hear a NEW addition to something is wrong with my child. It has been so overwhelming, and it continues to be overwhelming...though I do have moments where God really ministers peace and strength to me. I know that I will continue to stand up for my child, to fight for his best interests...but I do not really know what that entails right now. I just pray that God gives me the strength I need to do what needs to be done when it needs to be done. Through it all, God still reigns and is still sovereign.

I know that he is a little sweetheart and I love watching him develop into the person that God has called him to be. I believe the strong-willed part of him will turn out to be one of his greatest strengths as he gets older. I'm praying for peace as we wait for possibly a couple of months to get his developmental assessment. Until then, I want to enjoy him and help him in any way I possibly can. With God's help...

When I Find Him

2011-05-20T20:28:00.000-07:00

So much has been going on lately. Each of the kids had a tummy bug, then we went to Disney, then I had a meeting with Jule's teacher, then Jule had croup yet again, then Noly graduated from Preschool. I will get to most of these a little more in depth but will happily leave out details from the tummy bugs ;)

Jule got his tummy bug about 10 days after Noly, and it was the weekend before we were supposed to leave for Disney. Now, in the past, it usually takes about 4-5 days, then Kevin and I are sick. We were worried about getting to Disney and getting sick and not being able to care for the kids in a hotel room. BUT we decided not to live in fear, and off we went! We had a wonderful time and actually stayed out until 1 am one night! I was so glad we chose to go, and it was a happy time out of the house for both of the kids.

We got back on a Tuesday night, and I had a meeting with Jule's teacher and the Preschool's Director on Friday. I was nervous because I figured he would be one of the kids that was put in timeout a lot. Unfortunately, that was not the case. They told me how sweet he was and how beautiful his smile is, and I knew it was not going to be good. They listed off many things about him that they are concerned about. They did not know he could talk and were shocked to learn that he rattles off sentences non-stop at home. He also screams when touching fingerpaints or glue and screams when classmates get into his personal space. I knew by the words they were saying that they think he has some form of autism. This has been such a blow to my heart on many different levels that I cannot even get into on a blog. Our Pediatrician is setting up an appointment with the Developmental Specialists at the Hospital I work with. He does not think Jule has autism but may have some developmental delays from all of the sickness...just like he had some speech delays and needed speech therapy.

Kevin had been out of town and came in Friday night. I was so upset that I was barely able to tell him all that had been said. I told him the basics and went up to bed...exhausted. I was overloaded. I laid down, got comfortable, and then I heard IT....yes, IT...again. Jule woke up crying with croup. I picked him up and got him into the steamy bathroom. It helped the coughing, but the stridor was still pretty bad, so Kevin held him in front of the freezer. That helped enough that we felt his breathing was fine. He had some pretty noticeable stridor all night that night. We were so busy with his health that the weekend came and went, and I was a mess...chest pain, crying, so devastated.

Enter Noly's graduation today. She walked in with her class and stood in front of the auditorium. They sang several songs, and I saw her looking for us but could not catch her attention. There were just too many people. She looked sad but continued to sing. Then, the moment came that she saw us! Her whole face lit up, and she sang the rest of the songs all smiles and kept looking over at us. And it hit me...that is what happened to me Tuesday night. I was so overwhelmed. I put Jule to bed just after 7 because he was still sick. Kevin took Noly to Walmart so I could finally be alone, and I sat down with my Bible and began to read. The reading turned to weeping because God began speaking to me. I cried for awhile, read more, prayed, and I found a peace to walk through what lies ahead. And it's because I found Him. I looked through all of the "mess" around me, and I found the One Who can bring light to my eyes. Psalm 34:5 says, "They looked unto him, and were lightened: and their faces were not ashamed." Finding where my Father is in the crowd makes all the difference in the world. And while what lies ahead with this new hurdle is a very emotional roller coaster; if I have Him, I have everything I need.

Once Again, He Is My Hideaway

2011-04-30T18:30:00.000-07:00

Back in 2005, when I was pregnant with Noly and scared to death I was going to miscarry my 8th child, I could often be found balling my eyes out. There was one song that brought me great comfort, and I remember driving home from Music Rehearsal one night just weeping. I played the song on the car stereo and had to crank it up and put my leg against the speaker so I could not only hear the song, but also feel the song. Maybe I felt like I needed her to feel the peace of the vibrations. The song was "Sacred Hideaway" by Marty Magehee. I played it over and over until God's peace permeated me. I played it until my heart no longer felt overwhelmed.

Now, I am a person who updates my Facebook status around 2-3 times a day, but since Jule's surgery on Tuesday, I had not updated...until today. This last croup incident left me feeling so utterly helpless, and getting the news that it can happen over and over and over again made my heart feel so overwhelmed. I have felt like my heart has been silent. I had nothing to say...though I played with my kids as I normally would, talked to people at work like I normally would, talked to others around me and pretty much acted normal. But that doesn't mean my heart was normal. My heart was screaming out, "Why can't somebody fix my child!?" In the times I was alone, there were no words...just silence. Then today, as I was driving to church to look at a keyboard for tomorrow's services, I got a picture in my head of 4 Him's CD, "The Message." It's black with white writing all over it. I pulled it out and put it in, and suddenly I remembered...Number 9, "Sacred Hideaway!" I played it, and I played it, and I played it until my heart felt it. "There's a shadow I can't see from a holy canopy that my Father spread for me. When I'm strong or when I'm weak, when I wake or when I sleep. He is watching over me." I felt my silent, overwhelmed heart break into peace, and I finally cried. I felt the weight of the night we rushed to the ER, and I cried. I felt the pain that my very being felt when we got the news of what was found during surgery, and I cried. And I once again felt the Hand that brought my baby girl to me when no other baby had survived in my body, and I cried.

God is with us, and God has Jule covered in His canopy. I can do this if we have to rush to the ER over and over. I can withstand this when I'm underneath His wings. It's not easy, but I have done it, and God will continue to give me what I need to do this. I have to give Jule to Him continually just as I had to give Noly to Him continually when she was inside my belly. His grasp is sure, His grip is firm, and His coverage is complete.

Surgery Results

2011-04-28T12:27:00.001-07:00

Jule's surgery went well Tuesday, other than being 3 hours later than scheduled because the surgery before his had some complications. He went into the OR very drunk of Versed, so he didn't cry for us. He did cry some when he woke up, but he did a lot better than in the past.

The ENT found a very minor subglottic stenosis. It does not need to be operated on, but it can aggravate the area allowing croup to develop more easily. My understanding is that it is something that will always be there; but his airway will grow as he grows, so the croup should go away as he grows.

We are thrilled that he does not need surgery, and we also feel helpless because we can't do anything to stop the croup from happening again. I'm feeling very silent becasue I just have to let it all sink in. Do I prepare myself for more trips to the ER? Will he grow out of it next week? I need some time to pray about it all.

More Surgery

2011-04-20T19:49:00.001-07:00

We went to our ENT today. Jule was pretty hesitant since he had just been in the ER, and the ENT is located in the hospital. Overall, he did very well though. The ENT was very informative, and he said the number of croup episodes is definitely not normal. It would be normal for a child to have 1 to 2 croup episodes in their life. Some may have a little more, but nothing near what Jule has had. He has had 4 ambulance rides, several visits to the Ped's office, and many more where the steamy bathroom and a breathing treatment did the trick.

So, he suggested that we do an exploratory surgery of Jule's upper airway. He said there are many things that could be wrong that would cause recurring croup. Some are fixable, and some are not. But at least we would know what we are dealing with even if it is not fixable. OR Jule may just be very unlucky. The fact that he has been intubated 3 times makes him suspicious that something may not be right in Jule's airway. The surgery only takes around 8 minutes and will not require intubation. Yay! This particular ENT did both sets of Noly's tubes and Jule's first set. It is with the hospital I work with, so it will not cost us a lot of money. God is providing in ways that make me feel very peaceful about our decision. I really pray that they find something fixable so that Jule does not have to go through this over and over, but I am ok with the possibility that they may find nothing or find something they cannot fix.

I'm so exhausted that I fear I am not making any sense :) Right now, I am having about 2 migraines a week, but they are not keeping me in bed. I'm having a lot of side effects from the preventive, so I don't think I can up it any more. My sugar is dropping like crazy very often, which can be a huge problem. So, I may need to go off of it. I just have to get Jule through the surgery, then I can deal with my med change. Noly is my little bright light. She let Jule play in her room (normally off limits) because he was sick, and she has been so sweet and helpful with him, even wiping his runny nose! I'm so thankful for her kind, compassionate heart, and I can appreciate her zeal for trying to get him into a Princess dress. I do not think that one is going to happen though. Good night!

Our Daily Bread

2011-04-19T19:06:00.001-07:00

The past two days have been a bad whirlwind. Yesterday, Jule was coughing so hard that he was dry heaving and retching. I called the nurse, and she said to give him breathing treatments of Albuterol, 4 hours apart. I was fine with that because, after all, he didn't sounds croupy at all. We did two treatments, and they seemed to help slow his cough down a little. We put him to bed around 9:30, and he fell asleep right away.

Kevin and I got ready for bed, and Kevin was asleep when "it" happened yet again. It was around 11:30. Jule woke up AGAIN with severe croup. Kevin ran in to get him, and I ran into the bathroom and started the shower as hot as possible. We took him in there, but it wasn't steamy enough yet, and he was not doing well at all. He was struggling to breathe, croupy coughing, retching, letting out as much of a cry as he could...over and over. We ran him downstairs to put his head in the freezer, and we just could not get him close enough to the cold. I was having to hold a bowl under him while he tried to catch his breath and stop dry heaving. It.was.horrible :(

Kevin called 911 during this, and we ran back up to the bathroom, which was now very steamy. I sat on the toilet seat and rocked him while Kevin waited for the ambulance. I was able to calm him enough in the bathroom to get him to stop retching, and he would cough off and on, but he still had a lot of strider when he was breathing. Thankfully, the fire truck arrived in minutes, and we had four very helpful firemen in our bathroom (which freaked Jule out more). By the time I was dressed for the ER, the ambulance was here, and off we went.

Thankfully, our neighbor heard the fire truck and ambulance and offered to help with Noly. Kev took Noly next door to have a sleepover with her little 6-year-old friend, and then he was able to come down to the ER to be with us. They treated him with steroids, and we were home by 2:30.

He seemed to sleep peacefully through the night, but he could not stop coughing when he woke up. It wasn't croupy, but very forceful and still causing gagging. We got in with a Pediatrician at noon today, and we have an ENT appointment with the ENT we love tomorrow to try to see if he can find out why this keeps happening (4x in 4 months).

As I sat in my dining room eating a sub for lunch while Jule played, I prayed, "Give me this day my daily bread." I looked down, and literally, I was eating bread. But that wasn't what the prayer meant to me. He is the Bread of Life, and from Him comes all I need. I need Him to give me, each day, what I need. The "food" that comes from Him brings life, and I can't live day-to-day without that in my life. I NEED Him. I need Him to help me get through all of this. It is so hard watching my child suffer. It is so hard watching him struggle for breath. I hate it. And it happens over and over and over, and we don't really know why. The ER staff acted like this was crazy frequent. Please pray with us that God will give the Doctors wisdom to find what is causing this, that God will touch and heal Jule's body, and that God will give us peace in the meantime. We are praying for much-needed sleep for all tonight.

Noly

2011-04-14T11:02:00.000-07:00

Today, I got a phone call from the kids' school. They said that Jule did not have his "pretty" (blankey) and that he was screaming. I quickly realized that his sweet pretty was at home in the dryer. I told her I could come get him and take him home with me to get it and bring him back with it (making me miss at least an hour of work), but then I had an idea...I asked her to go get Noly's "geeky" (blankey) to see if he would accept it. She said she would try and call me back. I got the most wonderful call back. She said that she went to Noly's building and explained to her that Jule's pretty was at home and that he was very upset. She asked Noly if Jule could use her geeky so that he would not be so upset. She said Noly's eyes lit up, and she ran to her backpack to get her blanket for Jule. She took delight in giving up something she had so that he could be comforted. This from the little girl who told me a few days ago that she wished she never had a little brother because he always cracked her up (drove her nuts). I am so proud of her very willing sacrifice! Jule accepted "sissy's pretty" and quieted right down. So many times, it is hard to have a good attitude and give willingly when God asks us to give, especially when He asks us to give something precious to us to someone we may not necessarily enjoy being around :) I was reminded of II Corinthians 9:7 "Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver." I am so proud of her cheerful giving, and I will surely be telling her that when I pick her up today! I pray that I think about her example the next time God asks me to give something, and I pray I am as cheerful of a giver as she is. Healthwise, we have had some better days! We had another croup episode with Jule last week where he struggled with his breathing for several days, but we did not have to take him to the ER. My migraines are off and on right now, and I'm focusing on thoroughly enjoying the pain-free days that I have. I go back to the Neurologist in May, and I'm not really sure whether the preventive is actually working or not. I guess I'll have to see what he thinks. I am also going to a Chiropractor next week to discuss whether or not he may be able to help. Over the weekend, we got to take the kids to the Children's Museum! This was a big deal to me because we have been too sick to go for such a long time. The kids had a wonderful time, and so did Kevin and I. We love to see them playing happily and experiencing new things with other children! I'm praying for better, healthier days is the future. How wonderful it is to be able to leave the house and have fun! Thanks be to God!

Calling

2011-03-14T08:02:00.000-07:00

2 Peter 1:10-11 "Therefore, my brothers and sisters, make every effort to confirm your calling and election. For if you do these things, you will never stumble, and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

Ever tempted to give up on your calling? I mean, you have a sense of what it is, but you just can't take the heat. That's how I was feeling Thursday. We have been going through a myriad of physical ailments for over 2.5 years now. I'm tired. I'm worn out.

In the past two weeks, God has been speaking to me about the end result of all of this sickness and pain. I believe there will be a ministry coming out of all of this...a ministry of healing. And though I don't really know what that means yet, I feel like there is a purpose behind all of this suffering...to glorify God, to bring healing to the hurting and broken, to proclaim a God that is bigger than all this life has in store. Yet, I felt like giving up on Thursday.

Noly came out of the bathroom Thursday night and announced that she had not been able to urinate the ENTIRE day, not once. No big deal to her. I called the nurse, and she told me to take her straight to the ER. To me, it felt like the world was caving in around me. All last week, I struggled with migraines. I was also taking antibiotics for strep throat. So, when you put antibiotics and migraine meds together, my body just cannot handle it. I can barely handle either med alone. I had pushed and pushed through the week, longing for Thursday night when I knew Kevin would be back in town and could take care of the kids. And now, he had to take her to the ER just when he was getting home. On top of that, I was guessing that the ER would have to do some things that would cause my child pain. The thought of her hurting just killed me. I also had no idea why a child would not be able to go to the bathroom and worried about what may be causing it.

I left a short voicemail for our Pediatrician to let him know what was happening since he had seen Noly 5 times in just 10 days already. I put a movie in for Jule so that he would be entertained for a few minutes, and I went up to the bathroom and cried. I told God that I didn't know if I could follow this call if it meant that my children had to suffer. It was just too much. I talked to Kevin a few times to check on them, and he said the ER waiting room was packed. We knew it would be a long wait. Of course, I knew that I needed to follow where God was leading and press on even though the circumstances were tough, but I felt like it would be so much easier to live a mediocre life for God.

I'm so thankful that God brought me relief (though He didn't have to). Our Pediatrician called me just a little while later. He was out of town but felt like Noly was ok to wait until the morning after his flight got in and he got into the office. I was able to call Kevin and tell him to come back home, Noly did not have to go through any painful procedures, and my heart was able to rest a little. Ps. 34:4 says, "I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears." Once again, I see God's grace and strength shining through as He moves His hand through my circumstances. Sometimes we find relief, and sometimes we grieve. In the end, I do believe that we will say His call is worth the pain. His heart is that I follow what He wants me to do so that His love can reach out to others, and that does not mean that I won't go through trials to get to that place. I pray for strength and endurance, and I want to hear Him say, "Well done, good and faithful servant" someday.

Jeremiah 29

2011-03-09T18:22:00.000-08:00

I feel so bad for letting my blog get so far behind. We are just getting over the hump of the flu, croup, strep skin infections, strep throat, ear infections, allergies & pink eye. I think that's it...maybe? For the most part, we are doing much better. These two little blue-eyed babies never cease to bring a smile to my heart and to my face.

The times we have faced over the past few years have been very hard, and sometimes it feels like way too much. Sometimes, it is too much. I'm so thankful for a loving, caring husband who is willing to jump in and give me a much-needed break when I'm plain exhausted.

I think it was last week that I read Jeremiah 29. I have always heard Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future," and that is a wonderful verse. However, I never really read Jeremiah 29 in the whole context of what it was. It is a letter to the exiles. It was like this "aha" moment for me. As I read the whole chapter with the knowledge that it was for the exiles, I found a part of myself that just felt like an exile (even though I truly am not in the sense of who the exiles were).

More often than not, I feel like an exile...a pariah. So often, we are contagious with some sickness or another. When we are not sick, I have a migraine. When I don't have a migraine, we have lice or acid reflux-induced vomiting, or...well, you get it. I feel like an exile to these physical afflictions. And as I read it, I felt like God was telling me to "live" while we are "in exile." This season may last for awhile. And if it does, we need to live the best we can while in the situation. One verse talks about increasing in number and not decreasing. What I took from that was that God wants me to grow and increase in my relationship with Him while "in exile." He wants me to come closer to Him during this time and learn to rely on Him even for our very health.

God told the exiles that He would bring them back to their land after 70 years, and I know that God will bring us His touch, His healing on our physical bodies at some point in time. We are not forsaken. We are God's children who cause Him great delight. And though we are not perfect, His love for us never waxes or wanes. It is constant. He is my Constant!

Breaking Down

2011-02-16T19:14:00.000-08:00

Today was a day of emotionally breaking down for me. I don't think it was in a bad way. It was just a delayed reaction to the events of the week. Kevin came down with the flu on Sunday morning, so I spent the day playing with and caring for the kids. Jule had an odd cough, but he was fine. Very suddenly, he came over and crawled into my lap Sunday evening, and I checked his temp. It was 102.6. I knew it was the flu. I wasn't really concerned, but I knew he would probably feel yucky for a few days.

He woke up Monday morning with 104 fever, which was not too disturbing because I knew we already had a doctor's appt within an hour. Flu confirmed, Tamiflu prescribed, no problem. I laid down for a nap while he napped, and "it" happened again. "It" is one of the things that has scared me the most in his little lifetime. He woke up with severe croup, and he was struggling to breathe. I got him into the bathroom and steamed it up quickly. Luckily, Kevin was a couple of miles down the road at his office, and I was able to call and get him to come home right away. Jule was coughing so much he couldn't breathe. All he could do was cough, vomit and struggle to even cry. I took off his shirt, and he was retracting. Ugh! So, I called the Ped's office. While I was waiting to hear back from them, I took his temp...103. He was so sick and struggling so much; it just broke my heart. They called back right away and told us to head to the ER.

On the way to the ER, he improved greatly. He calmed down while watching one of his favorite videos, and that helped the croup immensely. So, I called our Ped, and he told us to use some oral steroids we held onto after his Christmas Croup incident, and he gave us some meds for his nebulizer. By Tuesday, he was doing much better. I'm so thankful that God continually guards his life. It never ceases to throw me for a loop because breathing is kind-of an important bodily function ; ) I was able to get to the office today for several hours and found myself crying. It was the first time I was "off" from being the protector and caregiver, and I was able to process the emotion of it. I sure do love these two little people!

I was able to cut my morning dose of Neurontin back to 4 pills, and I increased the evening dose to 7 pills. AND I have not had a migraine in a week! I'm so thankful for the prayers that so many have prayed for my head, and I'm praying this combination brings me MUCH continued relief. God is faithful, whether we struggle to breathe, whether we are pain free...He just is. I have to get some sleep. I believe my 2 year old has learned to share....the flu!

The Solid Rock

2011-02-09T10:22:00.000-08:00

I am in a lot of pain from a string of migraines right now, so this post may not make the total sense I'd like it to. Yesterday, I received our song list for church on Sunday. One of the songs is a remake of "The Solid Rock." As I listened to it, it brought me comfort to know that, even though I am in pain a lot right now, GOD is my solid Rock. I can stand on Him and know that He will not fail, even if I am hurting.

This took me back to our first IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) at the Fertility Clinic. I was driving there to try to get pregnant after many miscarriages and felt a nudge to put in 4 Him's Hymns CD. God spoke so sweetly to my heart when I heard..."On Christ the solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand. All other ground is sinking sand." He got me through infertility. He got me through many miscarriages. He brought me two beautiful babies. AND He will get me through migraines. He IS all my hope and stay.

Focus

2011-02-01T18:09:00.001-08:00

Today, I read Numbers 13-14. It is about the spies that were sent into the land of Canaan. All of the spies, except for Joshua and Caleb, came back with a horrible report. They were focusing on the people of the land and the impossibility they saw in conquering them. They could never inhabit this land flowing with milk and honey...they were tiny like grasshoppers! Really? Seriously? All of the people began to moan and complain because they focused on the people of Canaan. They even said that they would have been better off if they had never left Egypt. Are you kidding? These people had seen numerous signs and wonders, displays of God's power. They walked through a sea on DRY land, they ate manna that fell from Heaven, and a cloud led them by day and a pillar of fire by night (God VERY visibly led them). When they grew tired of the manna, God sent quail for them to eat. Yet, somehow, this miraculous God was not enough to conquer the people in Canaan. It amazed me, yet convicted me. Their focus was not on the right place. If they had been looking up, they would not have been so overwhelmed by what was visible in front of them.

I am not so different from them. I have been having major migraine problems again and am on day #7 of head pain. And while I cannot forget that I am in pain, I can redirect my focus. In Philippians 1:21, Paul says "For me to live is Christ..." If He is my focus, then these "things" around me won't be so overwhelming. I get really upset that I spend so much time in pain during my kids' younger days, but it really doesn't matter in light of eternity. There will be no pain in heaven. What matters is that my life is for Him, that I teach them about Him whether I'm in pain or not, and that they learn that He is faithful regardless of life's circumstances. I want them to learn to keep Him as their focus. I want them to know that they serve the same God who led His people out of slavery in Egypt and that He had good plans for them, plans for a land flowing with milk and honey. May I keep my focus on what truly matters!

Creation

2011-01-29T18:25:00.000-08:00

So many times, the eyes of a child are amazing! Tonight, Noly asked me if I was just going to sit in bed for awhile while she played with Daddy. I told her that I was going to read my Bible. She said, "Oh, you read that a lot." I told her I try to read it every day. She asked if we could read her Bible together first, so we did.

It's funny to me how a lot of the Bible stories that I know she has heard before have left her memory, and it is like she is hearing them for the first time. There were pictures of Adam and Eve with many trees all around them, and then there is a picture of the ONE tree they could not eat from. She looked at me like they had more than enough. Why would they ever need to eat from that one tree? They weren't missing out with all they had in front of them to eat. How true! But how our flesh craves that "one" thing. It craves what we shouldn't have and isn't content with the many other blessings we have right in front of us. God has given us more than we need and just wants us to find contentment in our relationship to Him. He knows what will harm us, yet we act like He is withholding something desirable from us.

Hopefully, both Noly and I learned something about obedience and God's love for us tonight.

Strep Throat and the Flu

2011-01-22T18:23:00.001-08:00

That's what Noly has...both. I'm really thankful she is such a little trooper and doesn't complain much! We are on top of her fever better tonight, so she is more comfortable. Last night, it got up to 102.9, and then she fell asleep on Kevin. I didn't try taking it after that because I didn't want to wake her.

We are two weeks into our 21-day fast at church, and I'm amazed at how much more time I have had to read my Bible, pray, workout, etc while fasting tv. It has been a really good two weeks even though we have been struggling with non-stop sickness in one form or another. The sickness didn't change, but spending time with God gives me much more peace about it. Our Pastor taught about joy last week. He talked about how happiness is an emotion that comes or goes, but joy is a fruit of the Spirit. Even if you are sad, you can still have joy because of Who you know. That was so eye-opening, and it has made a difference in my attitude within our sickness.

I'm making this short because I have some Rice Krispy Treats cooling to try to get Noly to eat a little with her antibiotic. Hoping for a good night of restful sleep for all four of us!

Lukewarm

2011-01-12T18:45:00.000-08:00

It's so easy to become lukewarm. You leave milk out on the counter too long...you get lukewarm. You leave your coffee sitting too long before you drink it...you get lukewarm. Yuck! You leave your heart unchallenged too long, and it also can become lukewarm. I realized that is where I have been, the place between hot and cold.

Growing up in church, it's easy to go through the motions of Christianity. I can even go spend time with orphans in the name of Christ and still be lukewarm. It's a matter of where my relationship with Him is. If I don't spend QUALITY time with Him to stay hot, I will become lukewarm, or even quite possibly cold. I can even read my Bible daily and still not dive into His presence, search for His heart, delight in His embrace.

So, I want to be hot. I want to be passionate. I want to walk about my life living in His presence. Abraham took Isaac to Moriah in obedience because of his close relationship with God. He knew God's character; he was His friend. If I am really, truly spending more time with Him, getting to know Him, I will better be able to do what He asks of me. When adversity comes, I will be less shaken because I will be planted DEEPLY in Him, rooted and blossoming with His beauty.

I don't want to be lukewarm, curdled milk. I want to be delicious, steaming hot coffee (even if I don't like coffee)!

The Purple Crayon

2010-12-30T14:14:00.000-08:00

Apparently, Jule wants a purple refrigerator. He did this while I thought he was playing with his new refrigerator toy.

We had an EVENTFUL Christmas. Christmas Eve went perfectly. We had a very nice time with Kevin's family. Then, at 1am on Christmas morning, Jule woke up with breathing problems from croup. We called an ambulance...again. After a few hours at the ER and some steroids, he got to come home. Mom and Dad arrived from Indiana around noon, and we had our Christmas the morning of the 26th.

I had talked with Noly about being grateful even when you don't get what you want. She did an amazing job! I saw her looking all over on Christmas Eve but didn't know what she was looking for. On the way home, she said, "I didn't get the puppy I asked Santa for, but that's ok. I'm still thankful." She was so sweet! I told her that Santa had not come to our house yet. So, on our Christmas morning, we hid her puppy until all of her presents were open. I had actually forgotten about it until she said she was still happy even without the puppy. I hadn't meant to keep it hidden that long. This was her face when she saw it...

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas, and I wish you all a very Happy New Year!

Allergy Testing

2010-12-23T10:28:00.000-08:00

Jule had his allergy testing today, and there is not one thing he's allergic to. So, why does he scream and throw up so much? Surely, it's not all just because he has reflux? We really do not have any answers, but I need to set it aside and just enjoy the Holidays. Enough testing for now.

Last Thursday, Noly came down with a tummy bug. She felt really sick to her stomach and didn't eat for a couple of days. She also slept a lot. By Saturday afternoon, she was feeling almost 100% again. She is so excited that Santa is coming to her house soon, and she is really seeming to grasp the birth of Jesus this year. I plan to have her help me make a birthday cake for Him.

I happened to catch "Giulianna & Bill" last night. It was the next episode after the Egg Retrieval. I cried for them when I saw that their Transfer did not work. I have no idea who they are, but I know it had to hurt! I thanked God for giving us our Noly on our first IVF attempt. I don't know how I made it through all of the shots, meds, etc. She was so worth it, and it is so hard for me to believe that her first moments of life were spent in a petrie dish!

I'm so thankful for the children God has given us, and I'm very much looking forward to spending Christmas with them and celebrating the birth of Christ! Merry Christmas!

The Orange Crayon

2010-12-16T07:07:00.000-08:00

For the past two weeks, I have lost some of the affection of my #1 fan. Let's just refer to him as Jule to give him some anonymity. You will never guess what has come to replace me...the woman who gave birth to him...an animal puzzle and an orange crayon. Seriously, the animal puzzle is even missing the giraffe; and the orange crayon is, after all, well...a crayon! When I pick Jule up from daycare, he has always run to me shouting my name and jumped happily into my arms, content to leave whatever he had been doing. But last week, he started throwing himself down, clutching the all-important puzzle, and screaming when I picked him up. He also screamed when I picked him up and tried to loosen the orange crayon that he had been coloring with from his grasp. I know it sounds stupid, but it really hurt my feelings. How could something be more important to him than me...the one who feeds and clothes him, the one who cares for him when he is sick, the one who still loves him after nearly 2.5 years of screaming!

But isn't that what I do? It may not be an orange crayon, but I let so many things become more important to me than my Father. I greedily clutch my desires in my hands, and I don't want to let them go even to spend some time with the One Who loves me more than anyone else ever could. I would rather watch TV than have some quiet time with Him. I would rather do what I want than to follow where He is leading. I'm so guilty of that, and I wonder how that leaves Him feeling. I don't want Him to be unimportant in my life...I want him to be #1 in my life. And actually, I don't want to be #1 in Jule's life. I want God to have that spot when Jule is old enough to understand.

I think I will have to be ok with being 2nd place to a crayon, but I want it to remind me to keep God 1st, both in my heart and in my actions.

A Multitude of Thoughts

2010-12-15T10:33:00.000-08:00

Jule's biopsy results came back and show that he, indeed, has reflux. It took everything in me not to say, "No kidding" when the Specialist called me with the results. I know he has reflux. What I want to know is why, and what is causing it! They said to keep him on one Prevacid a day and to call them so that we can increase it to two if he gets any worse. Well, he threw up 3 times during the week of Thanksgiving (not from being sick)...is that worse? Is it worse for him to vomit or to have spit-up coming out of his nose? You can probably sense my frustration.

Sometimes, often recently, I find myself tangled in anxiety. There are more questions than answers when it comes to Jule's health. There is more screaming than happy moments for him, and that just should not be true at 2 1/2. Poor Noly says, "I'm so tired of his screaming!" I understand, Noly. I really do. But deeper than that, I want what is causing him to scream to cease...the root of the problem to be uprooted!

Psalm 94:17-19 says, "Unless the LORD had been my help, my soul had almost dwelt in silence. When I said, My foot slippeth; thy mercy, O LORD, held me up. In the multitude of my thoughts within me thy comforts delight my soul." That is what God has been speaking to me. I certainly have a multitude of thoughts. I have a lot of questions, and He is the only One Who can truly hold me up and hold my hand as I continue to walk through this with my son.

As I was flipping through the channels last night, I caught a glimpse of a show called "Bill & Giulianna." I don't really know what the show is about, but she was getting ready to go into the operating room for her Egg Retrieval for an IVF cycle. I could not turn away from the show. I was completely taken in by it. It took me back 6 years, and I vividly remembered going into my own Egg Retrieval. She came out drugged, and I remember coming out drugged. She was smiling about the number of eggs retrieved, and I remember doing the same. I remember telling them I was in no pain and didn't need pain meds. My mother-in-law drove me home, and we were all of 5 minutes away from the Fertility Clinic when the pain came on so strong that I wanted to scream. They retrieved 28 eggs, and it really felt like I could feel where each one was extracted! It's amazing to me how completely I can go back to those moments. And it's even more amazing to me that there was one, single, solitary survivor out of those 28 eggs...our Noly! God was there with me then, and He is here with me now. The cause of the anxiety was different, but it was still anxiety. He has truly brought me great delight in Noly and Jule, and I need to sit with Him and allow His comfort to delight me.

Tidings of comfort and joy to you all!

Happy Thanksgiving

2010-11-24T09:31:00.001-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone! I know it's a day early, but I also know there's no chance I will be blogging tomorrow : )

So far, all of Jule's testing has come back normal! I am very thankful for that, but a little sad that they didn't find out what the problem is. His next tests will be an Upper GI and allergy testing. He has really suffered with the tests he's been through, and I was thinking about that last night. God watched His Son suffer...for me...for you...for sinful mankind. I get very upset when Jule is afraid or hurting or suffering in any way, and I am so thankful to God that His Son did suffer so that I could be saved. I'm thankful for the sacrifice Jesus made so that my son (and daughter) could spend eternity in Heaven.

So, Happy Thanksgiving to all of you! What are you thankful for?

GI Specialist

2010-11-11T07:29:00.000-08:00

We have finally gotten to a point that we realized we needed Jule to see a GI Specialist. I think I had gotten so used to Jule spitting up and vomiting that I didn't really think about the fact that it wasn't normal to continue this long. I mentioned his spitting up in passing to one of the NPs at the Pediatrician's when they were, once again, checking him for croup. She told me it was very much not normal for him to be like this. So, Jule and I headed to the hospital yesterday for what I thought would just be a consultation...you know, just talking and maybe looking Jule over. I was very wrong. She was very concerned and sent him for an xray and a blood draw. Jule was terrified of all of the things in the xray room and screamed until he dry heaved and dry heaved. I had to hold him down on the xray table flat and then turn him on his side when he heaved. It was HORRIBLE. Then, I had to take him for a blood draw. I felt so bad for him. I took him back to my office and let him nap next to me on my floor while I worked.

Jule has forgotten about all of it already, but I was quite traumatized. Seeing him go through something he feared but not being able to explain it to him was so hard. He just doesn't understand, and it breaks my heart. It made me think about God, as our Father, last night. Many times we are going through things we fear or even things that may actually hurt. Many times, when I have felt fear and knew I shouldn't, I felt like maybe God was mad at me because I just couldn't seem to conquer my fear. But that's not a Father's heart. It didn't make me mad that Jule feared the xray. Why, then, would it make God mad when His children are afraid? Even though we don't understand, and He understands completely, I'm sure He is moved with compassion when His children suffer.

I am asking God for peace as we have to take Jule back for a Delayed Gastric Emptying study, which involves multiple xrays over 4 hours. I would appreciate your prayers for little Jule and for Kevin and I as we go for this study next week. We are praying that God reveals what is causing all of Jule's discomfort and frequent stridor.

God is Up to Something

2010-10-25T10:15:00.000-07:00

It seems God is up to something I don't understand : ) For a long time now, I have not been writing songs like I used to. I felt like I was wasting my time. Until recently...we joined our new church, and there is something stirring in me. I have been staying up very late, every night, writing songs. There is a new excitement in me that I matter (outside of being a mommy, wife, and accountant). Music has been my passion since I was around 4 years old, and I used to keep musician hours...until I became an accountant and had to be to work early! So right now, I am very tired, but I'm also full of anticipation of what God can do. I consider any song a huge success if it touches just ONE heart, if it changes just ONE life. I'm not aiming for the millions here...just the one. God is speaking so many things to me that I cannot share on a public forum, but I can say that I believe He is going to begin something new and different in our lives. I know the plans He has for me are good!

I'm sure I will have more to share later, but I'll leave you with the idea that started last night's song...

We tend to plan out our lives. We will be married with 2.5 kids by the time we are 28. We'll have a good-paying job in the field we desire, and we will have a beautiful home with no problems paying our bills. I compare this to a drawing in your driveway. You draw out all of the plans you have for your life with sidewalk chalk. It looks stunning and beautiful with all of the colors. There is so much detail in each portion of the drawing that you can hardly stand the anticipation....then it starts to rain. There goes your drawing. There goes your ability to have children. Instead, you have infertility or miscarriages. Maybe you don't even find a spouse. You lose out on the job you planned on having, and you lose your house because you can't afford to keep it and make the payments. That nasty rain!

Then you realize that God didn't have the same plans for you that you laid out in your drawing. He had a different calling for you. And as the rain destroys all of the plans that you have for yourself, it opens you up to HIS plans for you. Just as the rain brings so much pain from the devastation of unfulfilled dreams, it brings so much joy and fulfillment down the road when God's desires for you emerge. Sometimes the rain brings relief from pain, like the pressure of a migraine is realeased when it rains! What do we do with the rain? Get mad and hold a grudge because it ruined our painting? Or embrace the pain and go forward knowing that God's plans remain unchanged as His Word says in Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"!

The Walls of Jericho

2010-09-24T11:33:00.000-07:00

I was reading Hebrews 11 yesterday. It is called the "Faith Chapter" of the Bible, and I absolutely love it. Verse 1 says, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." I think there are so many times in life that we just have to live on faith. I had to live in faith that I would have the child I hoped for, the child I believed God had promised me. Right now, I have to live in faith that, someday & somehow, my migraines will get better!

I read verse 30, "By faith the walls of Jericho fell, after the people had marched around them for seven days." I wonder how the people felt as they marched around that wall in obedience to God. Seven days is a long time to march, and I would think that there would be a lot of time for your mind to wonder if it was really a great idea. Can you imagine the feeling of elation you would have when the walls fell down after you had been walking and walking for seven whole days? What a celebration! What a testimony to what God can do when you have faith! What victory God place into their hands simply because they had faith and obeyed!

Whatever your "walls" may be, hold on to faith. Hold on to the promise that God CAN do what He says He will do. Continue to march, whether it's seven days or seven years, because we serve a faithful God.

There is a song that 4 Him sang MANY years ago, and it really spoke to me in the years that I was miscarrying and trying to have a baby. The lyrics are a little long but worth reading if you have the time:

A long time ago near a city called Jericho, a band of soldiers all gathered around.

Joshua said, "When it's time to go, you'll be marching to the rhythm of the trumpet sound."

Oh, there were those who still had their doubts that they could take the town

But don't you know, they became believers when the walls came down.

CHORUS Where you gonna be when the walls come down, Tell me

Where you gonna be?

Where you gonna be when the walls come down, Tell me

Where you gonna be?

Where you gonna be when the walls come down?

Well, some people pray for a miracle everyday; at times they wonder where Heaven has gone.

Though everyone says just to keep the faith, it's so hard to keep believing when it takes so long.

Oh, once again, try to reach beyond the walls you can't get through

And don't give in, or you'll miss the answer that He has for you.

If you really believe in what you're askin', then just leave it up to Him.

You just rest assured that it's gonna happen. It's just a matter of when.

Hebrews 10:35-36, "So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised."

Great Advice

2010-09-22T11:17:00.001-07:00

I heard something really awesome on the radio today. It was talking about Motherhood and how it can be all-consuming...and it is! I believe one of the ladies had teenagers and the other one had younger children, and they were talking about change. They said that everything in life does change. Your children grow up, your relationship with your spouse changes, etc. They were also talking about how God is the constant, the only One that doesn't change in this ever-changing world. So, the way to survive your children growing up and the way to keep from losing who you are in motherhood is to maintain your relationship and your time with God. Let that be your constant through these years of immense change. What a nugget of wisdom!

I admit that it is really hard to find and/or make time for God with the craziness of day-to-day life, but I know it will be worth it if I do. It was so comforting to think that I could actually HAVE a constant in the midst of everything we've gone through and are going through. But it is so true. HE has been my rock, my shield, my fortress that I run to and hide through so many things. Even before my kids existed, God was my constant. And long after they leave the walls of our home, He will be my constant. Kind of like Desmond in LOST. I really need a constant today!

Speech Therapy

2010-09-15T11:57:00.001-07:00

About a month ago, I came to the realization that Jule's speech was very behind. I got a referral to a Speech Pathologist, and his evaluation was so sad to me. His Expressive age (what he says) was only 11 months old when he was actually 25 months, and his Receptive age (what he understands) was only 15 months. This completely broke my mommy heart, but I believe that he will catch up with the help of his awesome speech therapist, Sarah.

She is working with him on speaking and also on signing. He seems to be progressing well, but he is still way behind his peers. I think this is why he is so frustrated and screams so often. He is unbelievable with puzzles, to the point that he impressed Sarah; but he won't ask for milk or juice or even say drink...he just screams. Fun for Mommy & Daddy...not. He is now saying, "Open, Please, More, Puzzle, Princess, Ribbit-Ribbit, Ssssss" and he signs for "More" very well! He has his own sign for "Please," which is actually very cute.

Developmentally, he is right on target. He just has a hard time expressing what he wants. Sarah believes it's probably because of the constant sickness he has had all of his life, coupled with recurring ear infections. I'm so ready for him to be healthy and to start blossoming verbally. We are making extra efforts to help him learn how to say and understand new words/concepts. We love our little pumpkin, and we can't wait for what we've been waiting for since he was 4 weeks old...for the screaming to stop!!! And it will!

Up

2010-09-08T18:13:00.000-07:00

Have any of you ever seen the movie "Up?" I haven't, but I have seen the clips that start out before the husband and wife are married up until she passes away. Unfortunately, they showed it in church, and it was nearly the end of me!

It's amazing to me how quickly I can be taken back to my time of infertility...of miscarriage. I have two beautiful children who literally fill up each minute of my day. But it only took an instant for me to be taken right back to where the pain consumed me, where grief was my constant companion.

There was a very short clip that showed the man and his wife quite obviously sad in some type of baby doctor's office. It was so short, but so devastating. I am not one to cry easily; and the moment I saw it, every part of my body was mourning. I did not want everyone around me to see what a mess I was inside, so I tried to hold it in as much as I could. I could feel my face turn red and could feel the tears streaming down my cheeks, and there I was again...childless, helpless, longing, desiring. It wasn't as if it had just happened yesterday; it was as if it was happening right then...at that very moment. It was as if the doctor had just told me that our baby's heart had stopped beating. It was as if I was staring at yet another negative pregnancy test.

How quickly we remember, yet how quickly we forget. I felt pretty shaken up for several hours, but then I went back to my daily life, my life with children in it. I want to celebrate the life that God has given to my children every day, but I also want to be able to touch that dark place when someone around me needs me to be "there" with them. When someone is aching to hold their child, I want to be able to mourn with them as the Bible says to "Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep." As 9/11 approaches, I've heard the term "May we never forget." And it is so true. May we never forget what God has brought us through to place us where we are. May we never get so comfortable in our blessings that we forget how it felt in the times that we were left without...with empty, longing arms...with dashed desires and dreams...with skinned knees and bruised palms. For it is in those instances that God holds us in the palms of His hands, and we depend on His very breath to sustain us.

Migraine City

2010-08-31T12:07:00.000-07:00

Well, I do have something I want to post about, but I have to have both time and health. Basically, I have had 5 migraine-free days in the whole month of August. I increased my Neurontin to 2 pills in the morning, and I'm going to try to increase my evening dose to 2 pills tonight. Please pray the med increase works....more later.

He Knows Us By Name

2010-08-11T18:24:00.000-07:00

We just got back from a vacation to Indiana. We did not make it in time for Kristen's funeral, but I was still able to spend time with Karrie, her mom. We took several walks down memory lane, and it was nice to just be with her at a time when she is hurting. Please continue to pray for the whole family as they continue to grieve the loss of their precious little girl.

Noly is in Indiana with my parents for a couple of weeks, so I am cleaning and organizing while she is gone. That way, she won't see what leaves the house ; ) I started going through all of the bags of stuffed animals that we still had stashed away in the garage from our horrible lice nightmare, and I came upon a trash bag FULL of stuffed animals. I debated about getting rid of some of them, but I decided not to...because...she knows each one of them by name, and she would know if even one of them was missing.

Isn't that how God is? He knows us each by name, and He cares about each one of us with a love that we cannot even begin to fathom. He knows me by name; He knows you by name, and He would know if we were "missing."

I John 3:1a

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!"

Kristen

2010-07-26T08:53:00.000-07:00

My heart is breaking right now. My friend's daughter, Kristen, is very sick in the hospital. She has had a heart condition since birth and has had a pacemaker and bovine valve since she was tiny. She got very sick last week and was escorted to a children's hospital. Her bovine valve was full of infection and had a large clot at the top. Friday, as they were getting ready for surgery, part of the clot broke off and caused a pulmonary embolism. They were able to get her stable enough to then do surgery. They removed the diseased valve and put in a new one, and her heart has been beating on its own, and she was taken off of life support.

Yesterday, she became completely unresponsive, and a scan showed severe brain swelling. They are doing a scan today to check for brain activity. I have known Karrie (Kristen's mom) since I was 4, and it is breaking my heart that they are going through this. Please join with me in praying for this sweet 8-year-old and her family.

Update: Sweet Kristen went to Heaven today. Please pray for her family as they grieve the loss of their daughter/sister.

Still Here

2010-07-15T12:05:00.000-07:00

Well, we are still here. After a lice recurrence, the school finally found that there were other children there with lice, sent them home, and sanitized. So far, Noly's head has been clear all week! I'm really hoping it doesn't come back!

Jule is doing well. He is having some sleep issues, which we think are from getting his 2-year molars, but he is generally happy! He now knows tons of animal sounds, and we love asking him what each animal says. He calls Noly, sissy, but pronounces it "sissaaah." She thinks he is trying to call her "Princess." We'll just let her believe that ; )

Kevin had eye surgery to correct his eye muscles. He has always only looked out of one eye at a time, which makes depth perception very difficult. He has had a bit of a rough recovery over the last week, but he is healing more each day. He is still seeing double because his eyes have to retrain his brain to look out of both eyes and see one image. I am excited for him to finally see more clearly!

I have felt like I've been on the brink of insanity with all of the back-to-back sickness, but God has really been ministering to me this week. We've had a little bit of a lull, and I have been able to get alone and spend some time with God and the piano. That really helps me regroup my thoughts and refresh my mind. Physically, I'm still pretty worn out, but spiritually, I am feeling God's hands holding me up.

Jude 1:24 "To Him Who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before His glorious presence without fault and with great joy."

Happy 2nd Birthday, Jule!

2010-07-08T10:50:00.000-07:00

Happy 2nd Birthday to my sweet Jule!

This picture accurately represents how you came into the world...kicking and screaming! The NICU said you were a feisty one, and they were so right. After a week in the NICU, you came home, and you have brought us much joy!

When you were one, your curls astounded us. We had no idea where you got your curly hair, but we loved it! You were not very excited about cake, but this picture represents your true love for ice cream...or anything chocolate for that matter!Now, you are two! You are saying so many words and understanding so much of what we say. You bring us laughter every day. You are a rough and tumble boy, and you LOVE your mommy more than anything else (well, maybe except for your blankey). You love animals and animal sounds right now and still sleep with hard plastic Disney characters.
Happy Birthday to my second little miracle!

I Really, Really Hate Lice!!!

2010-07-06T11:47:00.000-07:00

I really, really hate lice! As I went to lay my head on my pillow, I noticed a piece of my hair...with a nit on it!!! I freaked out! I am allergic to ragweed, so I was told not to use the regular lice removal products that are at Walmart. That meant I had to use Noly's prescription. I ran to two different pharmacies and finally got what I needed. Then, I RAN home and doused my head. I was so disgusted. It didn't seem to do a whole lot for me, and Noly began itching again, so I called the Pediatrician's office.

Friday night, I cut Noly's hair. It was down to her butt, and I just couldn't do it anymore. I was spending every waking moment on lice and nit removal. Then we both covered our hair in olive oil and spent the whole day Saturday with olive oil, saran wrap, shower caps and hats on our heads. Then, we combed through the oil, washed, applied vinegar, combed through that, washed again, blowdried, then combed through AGAIN. After this, Noly finally seemed to stop itching for good, and I haven't seen any new nits. My hair has been a nightmare because I'm mostly doing it myself and can't see if I'm getting all of the nits out. I'm praying that this is the end of it. We used the prescription again on Monday for good measure, but I'm really not sure if it does a good job at all.

In the midst of this, I noticed that Jule had two little blisters on his neck. He was acting fluish all weekend, and he ended up with a total of 6 blisters. The Pediatrician said it may be chicken pox, but he is not sure. Once they get the vaccination, any chicken pox that may hit them has an abnormal presentation. At least he only has 6 little spots, and he slept a LOT this weekend because he didn't feel good. That gave us time for all of the lice treatment.

All of this has me thinking about Job. It seems like we can't catch a breath before the next illness strikes. Now, we are not even getting a day's break in between. I started reading through the book of Job again, and I noticed in the first chapter how another servant would come with bad news while the previous servant was still speaking. Bam, bam, bam, bam...it just kept coming. While I know Job's news was so much more devastating, it felt similar to me....like punch after punch at my heart. I found myself sitting in the bathtub last night thinking, "I hate my life." Don't get me wrong. I love my babies, family, etc, but living with day to day to day sickness has gotten really old. As I got to the 3rd chapter of Job, I found that Job felt the same way. He was cursing the day he was even born.

I have been listening to Hillsong United in the car, and one song stuck out to me. The words are, "I love You more than life itself..." And it occurred to me that, yes, we truly have to love God more than life itself. This life, in this fallen world, can be so difficult. Despite it all, we have to cling to God and love Him more than this life. Without Him, I would not make it through all of this. Without Him, nothing would be worthwhile. I do love Him more than life itself and will carry on...even through lice if need be ; )

I Hate Lice : (

2010-06-30T07:19:00.000-07:00

So, while Jule's little nose was still running away but his cough was better, Kevin and I both woke up with horrible colds Saturday morning. The kind where you can barely move, where your whole body aches and it hurts to swallow...yeah, that kind. We made it through the weekend by sitting on the couch and watching DVDs with the kids.

Saturday, I noticed Noly scratching her head. I thought it was from her chicken pox healing since she was only 10 days out from her first symptoms. I kept looking and didn't see anything. Then, Monday night, I looked up "scalp itching after chicken pox" and found nothing. I then entered "Lice," grabbed a flashlight, and headed up to her room knowing what to look for. Sure enough, she has lice!!! Gross!!!

We worked on her hair from then until midnight with the Walmart brand lice shampoo. It worked some, but she kept itching. I took her to the doctor yesterday, and they gave me a prescription lice shampoo. A friend helped me with it last night, and I think it took 2-2.5 hours instead of 4. It seems to have worked much better because she is not itching anymore, but I am on guard. I've bagged the toys, vacuumed, thrown out brushes, washed everything detachable in hot water, and now I wait to see what happens. I have a migraine now, probably from all of the stress and absolute lack of rest while I'm already sick.

I'M SO EXHAUSTED! I'm going to try to rest, but I hate missing work. My head hurting makes it impossible to go look at all the little numbers on the spreadsheets, so I guess sleep wins out. Please pray for us. We need it!

Jule's Diagnosis Is.....

2010-06-24T07:27:00.000-07:00

Croup...again. When we got home last night, Jule was whiny. I checked his temperature, and he had a low-grade fever. He was also wheezy whenever he would become active. So, I called the Pediatrician's office and got him in at 7:40. The doctor said he has croup, and she put him on a Steroid to keep his airway open.

Usually, I try to have both kids in bed by 8:30. Since we got to the doctor so late, the three of us were sitting in the Pharmacy parking lot in our jammies waiting for Jule's prescription to be filled at 8:45. Thankfully, the Pharmacist saw how desperate I looked and filled it within 5 minutes! Yay! Jule slept all night but woke up with terrible strider. So, my mother-in-law is home with him today.

Noly got to go back to school today, and the teacher and all of her friends ran up to her and hugged her when they saw her heading to the playground! It is a water day at school, so she should have a lot of fun! I'm glad to have her back at school where she can play with her friends and wear herself out! She's been cooped up for too many days now.

Kevin should be home tonight, which I am so thankful for. I'm relying on Ativan to help me get through all of this. It's just too much, but God is faithful in the midst...continuing to show me His grace in the midst of suffering.

Afternoon Update:
Biblegateway has just been amazing lately. I have been looking at their "verse of the day," and it has been so encouraging to me this week. Today's is: II Thessalonians 3:3 "But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen and protect you from the evil one." Amen!

Ever Have One of Those Days....or Months...or Years???

2010-06-23T11:01:00.000-07:00

Isaiah 40:31 says, "but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." I feel so weary, so exhausted. I really need God to renew my strength. It gets so overwhelming constantly taking care of sick kids. I love them, and it is my delight to be their mommy; I'm just so tired.

Jule is definitely sick, but not with chicken pox as far as I can tell. His nose is terribly stuffy and a little runny, and he is feeling miserable. You can see it in his eyes. He cried off and on all through the night. Not to the point that I had to go in and console him, but just enough to wake me up so I knew he was uncomfortable. I checked Noly over last night, and she had a few more bumps. The older ones are looking good and are not itching, so that's good. She is still acting very hyper and naughty, so I'm guessing she is not feeling that great either. I'm so spent from not only 3 weeks non-stop of taking care of sick children but also having either a migraine or a headache for 23 days straight now. It's really, really frustrating. And Kevin is out of town, so I am doing this alone right now.

After a really rough night, I left the house this morning and forgot my cell. So, I turned around and got it and left again. As I pulled out onto the main road to get out of our subdivision, I got pulled over while still in our subdivision. The officer was really nice and knocked the ticket down for me, but this is just all too much on top of each other. Please renew my strength, God.

I have been thinking a lot about II Corinthians 12:9a, "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness..." I'm feeling very weak, and I have been looking for God's grace in these difficult circumstances. This morning, I felt God's grace when the officer only ticketed me for going 5 over instead of the actual 15. He told me he never gives people a break in neighborhoods, but he did for me...and I didn't even ask. I had no excuse, just wasn't paying attention. I also see God's grace in the Pediatrician He has given us. He has gone above and beyond his job to help us out, and he has been there for us through all of these sicknesses. I am very thankful for His grace, and I know that, somehow, His grace and strength will get me through.

Psalm 121:7-8

2010-06-22T12:06:00.001-07:00

Noly has been feeling pretty crummy from the chicken pox. I was making dinner last night and noticed that she was being very quiet in her room. This is what I found when I went to check on her. I don't know if she meant to fall asleep or not? She was quite grumpy and whiny last night, but I did notice that she did not get any new spots yesterday! Even though she hasn't felt good, she still feels the need to get all dressed up.

Last night, we were telling Noly how it was not ok to argue with Mommy & Daddy. In the middle of our conversation, Jule went running toward our bed and fell flat on his mouth against the corner of our bed frame. We heard a loud crack and could see that there was a lot of bleeding in his mouth. We looked at each other like, "Oh no, not the ER on top of all of this." Once I got him to calm down, we could see that his mouth is pretty sore, but it will heal on its own. He cried a lot in the night and did not eat as much for breakfast this morning. He also woke up with a stuffy/runny nose : ( Guess we don't get a break in between sickness at all this time.

Psalm 121:7-8 "The LORD will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore." Even though we are going through a ton of sickness and injury, I know that God is watching over my babies and keeping them safe.

Chicken Pox

2010-06-21T10:56:00.000-07:00

No, I am not kidding. Yes, my child has chicken pox. Noly had some strange spots on Thursday, and by Saturday, they were looking very similar to the pictures of chicken pox on the internet. We kept her home from church Sunday just in case, and the Pediatrician confirmed it this morning. My little princess has chicken pox : ( She had a vaccination at 1 year and then again at 4 years, so it is a very light case. She is a little itchy and has a very low fever but is generally fine. We really hope Jule does not get it since he had his 1-year vaccine. He is just getting over hand, foot and mouth and doesn't need anything else!

Since Jule was born, we just can't seem to catch a break from sickness/migraines/Jule's reflux. I looked at Kevin last weekend and said, "Do you feel like it never stops or is it just me?" He agreed he felt like there's never a break. It can feel so overwhelming because you just want your babies to feel good and you want to feel good.

I was reading in Psalm 91 today. Verse 4 stuck out at me. "...his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart." My mind immediately went back to December 15, 2008. My 5-month-old Jule was rushed to the ER by ambulance with complicated croup. He was struggling to breathe even after two breathing treatments in the ambulance. Once they determined that his breathing was not good enough to go home, they admitted him. He fell sound asleep in the little hospital crib, and as I sat beside him, I spoke Psalm 91 over him.

It made me think about how God is no different today than at that very moment. His faithfulness has kept me through some very scary, very difficult situations. I am having to learn to rely on His faithfulness as my defense, as my place of safety...to shield me from this life's harshness. He was so faithful to bring me these two gifts, and He will be faithful to guard and keep them. I still pray that health comes our way, but I am so thankful that He is a Faithful God!

Updates

2010-06-08T11:19:00.000-07:00

I know...I have become a horrible blogger! I just don't have time for updates as often as I'd like. Jule is doing very well at the Church Daycare! He loves one teacher in particular and doesn't even cry when I drop him off anymore! Yay Jule!

Noly developed an odd rash last week, and when I took her in, I found out it was the result of strep. So, she started antibiotics Thursday night. Jule spent the weekend screaming and not eating much except for popsicles, so I took him in early Monday morning, and he is now being treated for strep. Neither had fevers, thankfully!

I'm on 2 Neurontin a day and have gone from apx. 20 migraines a month to 14. That's still not good, but it's a little better. I tried to go up to 3 a day and got really sick again, so I dropped back to 2. I think I may try to go up to 3 pills again this weekend to see what happens. If I just can't tolerate 3, I'll call the Neurologist...again.

Jule is FINALLY starting to talk more. He is trying to repeat a lot of words, which he was not doing at all before. Noly is learning new songs weekly at school and is anxious to come home and sing them to us! She is so social and cries most of the time when we pick her up from school. She just loves to be with the other kids! I'm so thankful that she is happy where she is at and that Jule is now adjusting to his new classroom. It is SO nice to have a 30 minute drive to work instead of an hour!

We are hoping to visit my parents in August and leave Noly there for a week or two to visit when we drive back. Then, my mom or dad can fly her back home after she spends some time with them. She also gets to see my grandparents when she is there, which they LOVE!

Jule

2010-06-01T12:21:00.001-07:00

Today, Jule started daycare at the church where Noly goes to preschool. He had a very hard time when I left, and when I called to check on him, they said he had several meltdowns. I know he must miss our sitter since she had him from the time he was 3 months old. I also know that he will adjust, in time. I believe he will grow to love it there like Noly has. I just hope he doesn't drive those poor ladies crazy while he adjusts! Hang in there, Jule, Mommy's coming!

Child of the King

2010-05-13T11:18:00.000-07:00

We went to Disney World over Mother's Day weekend. We left after work on Friday and arrived late Friday night. Saturday morning, we headed straight for the Magic Kingdom! I don't know if you can tell or not, but Noly is leaning towards Minnie. She has this new thing against boys, and Mickey is, in fact, a boy (and thus not as desirable)! She is so hilarious!

We knew that we had to go to the Boutique to find a dress for Noly. That was the highlight of last year's Disney trip for her, and she picked out a beautiful pink nightgown and wore it for days! This time, we found an actual dress. We went into the special Princess dressing room, and Noly walked out a Princess. Noly walked out of the Boutique and showed her Daddy how beautiful she looked! Unlike Noly, Jule hated Disney, so we quickly headed back to the hotel room for some food and naps.

After some naps and some wonderful Cracker Barrel meals, we headed back to the Magic Kingdom. This time, I was able to put Noly's hair up so she looked as much like Belle as possible. Her little face glowed, and she said that she couldn't wait to meet Belle to tell her that there were two Belles now! Noly and Kevin waited for over a half hour, and she finally met Cinderella and Belle. Sleeping Beauty was MIA, so we decided that she must be asleep ; )

Watching Noly made me think about who we are. She had such confidence in herself and such joy in who she was. The thought never crossed her mind that she wasn't beautiful enough or good enough or talented enough. She was a Princess. And truly, that is how we should think of ourselves. We belong to THE King! Unfortunately, life has a way of beating us down and affecting our child-like view of ourselves. If we could have the inner confidence and joy that comes from knowing who we are IN CHRIST, nothing could stop us from becoming who we are meant to be and doing what we are meant to do. How I love the picture that Noly has permanently etched in my mind...that of a Princess with immeasurable value and flawless beauty in the eyes of her Father!

Joyful and Thankful

2010-05-07T10:07:00.000-07:00

I went to Biblegateway today, and this was their verse:

I Thessalonians 5:16-18 “Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.”

Noly had her Family Fun Day at preschool today. They had ponies, jump castles, a merry-go-round, a train, snow cones, tattoos, sidewalk chalk, tricycles...you name it! She had so much fun and was really brave! Kevin and I were both able to be there, and it was wonderful to watch her face light up. I discovered that one of the little boys in her class has a crush on her. It was hilarious, and I think she is oblivious...who wouldn't be at 4 1/2? He kept running up to her and hugging her, then he would look at her and smile and say, "Hi, Noly." It was adorable, and I am so glad that it will be MANY years before she starts dating. I'm so not ready for that!

Joyful, Patient & Faithful

2010-05-04T10:26:00.000-07:00

The past few days have been really hard on me. Kevin had to fly to Wisconsin to attend some training for work, which left me alone with the kids. Sunday, I had a terrible migraine, and it was very difficult to care for the kids by myself. Then yesterday, I got a call from Noly's school saying she would not stop crying. I went to get her and brought her to work with me until we went to see the ENT at 3. Last night, Jule slept from 8:30 pm until 10:30 pm and woke up screaming. Despite a diaper change, some pain reliever, and some crackers, he did not calm down until around midnight. My guess is that he was teething again.

Everything has felt so overwhelming because I had to do it alone. I wanted to be a good mommy, but I also strive to be a good employee. I'm trying desperately to not miss work, but I keep missing a lot. I thought hard about it yesterday and realized that I can succeed at the most important part...being a mommy, and then just do what I can as an employee. I'm so thankful for an understanding employer! I'm at work whenever I possibly can be, but my sick little ones have to come first!

Yesterday's verse of the day on Biblegateway.com was Romans 12:12..."Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." I really tried to focus on the "patient in affliction" part yesterday and held onto prayer to get me through it. I thought about how affliction really does make me more faithful in prayer. When I think about the ocean, I think about the faithfulness of the waves, and it reminds me of God's faithfulness. He never leaves me, even in the affliction. And I'm never truly alone because He is always surrounding me, just like the water surrounds me in the ocean. My prayer is that I can be joyful in the hope that I have in God, patient in any hardship that comes my way in this world, and faithful in praying to the God of my salvation.

The Mountain of God

2010-04-28T10:19:00.000-07:00

We are sick.....

...again...or still???

Noly started out with a sore throat and fever Saturday and ran a fever until Tuesday. She had pink eye and a raging ear infection along with her cold/virus. She's been on antibiotics since Monday and is finally starting to feel a little better. Last night, I came down with it, and Kevin started feeling bad this morning. So, here we are...nothing new.

I am at work and was listening to the radio and heard Third Day's "Mountain of God." The end of the chorus says, "...I must go through the valley to stand upon the mountain of God." Our Pediatrician and I were just discussing something very similar when I took Noly in on Monday. He said he often sees God do some amazing things when people go through something like this and come out on the other side. I believe that is what will happen.

Right now, we're climbing the mountain. We are worn out, beat down, thirsty and sometimes ready to quit. But the mountain is ahead. I know I need to keep my eyes on God and what He is doing and is going to do in my life. All of this sickness is just a blink in the eyes of eternity. We're going to make it up the mountain, and I have to believe that the sickness will stop in time. Hopefully not another two years, but who knows. I waited a long time for my babies to get here, and it was so worth the "climb," so worth the journey. I remember sitting at a Third Day concert shortly after my last miscarriage, and God majorly spoke to me through "Mountain of God." It wasn't long after that that Jule arrived. Noly and Jule were so worth the fight, and I know that eternity is even so much more worth the fight.

Ephesians 6:12 "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

John 12:24-25

2010-04-22T10:35:00.000-07:00

The phrase "He that loveth his life shall lose it..." has been going through my head today, so I decided to look it up and read the chapter. John 12:24-25 (KJV) says, "Verily, verily, I say unto you, Except a corn of wheat fall into the ground and die, it abideth alone: but if it die, it bringeth forth much fruit. He that loveth his life shall lose it; and he that hateth his life in this world shall keep it unto life eternal." I started thinking about what I have been going through and how I could change my perspective.

It is necessary that I die to my flesh and my sinful nature. It is necessary that I love God more than anything on this earth. John 16:33 (KJV) says, "These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." There it is in black and white...you will have trouble in this world! Not if's, and's or but's...you WILL have trouble. But the promise is that He has overcome the world. He has overcome the trouble, conquered death with life, filled the tearful eyes with glee. He has overcome! I feel very overcome, but I know that He has already conquered sickness at the cross. I also know we will have victory through Him over sickness, whether it be in this world or when we go to be with Him in glory.

The phrase "hateth his life in this world" is an odd one to me. I don't think God is saying we have to literally hate our life. I looked up this verse in several different passages, and I love how The Message puts it: "In the same way, anyone who holds on to life just as it is destroys that life. But if you let it go, reckless in your love, you'll have it forever, real and eternal." That is what I want, and I want it to be so evident to my kids that it rubs off on them. I want the attitude in II Corinthians 4:16-18 (The Message), "So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever." This is only temporary. This is not our forever. God is giving us His grace in the midst of this, and that grace is all-sufficient.

Maybe my attitude change needs to be to look for His grace in the midst of our troubles, to see His hand in the midst of the chaos, to see His calm in the midst of my anxiety, and to see His ultimate healing power in the midst of our sickness and pain. If I strip away the layers of pain and frustration, I know I will find a core of Grace holding me.

When You Don't Have the Strength to Make Lemonade

2010-04-22T08:00:00.001-07:00

You know how people say to make lemonade when life hands you lemons? Well, what if you don't have it in you to make the lemonade? We are still going through a rough patch with our health...namely Jule and I. Norovirus took quite a toll on us for a couple of weeks, but it has left our house now! Jule is back to screaming and screaming and screaming. He's also developed this lovely little habit of trying to make himself throw up when you tell him no and he is mad. Our response is no response since we don't want him to make that a way to manipulate and get what he wants, but the screaming itself is really wearing me down...especially when noise is one of my migraine triggers. We took him in to get his ears checked about 9 days ago, and they were fine. The Ped said his canines are coming in, and they continually hurt because they widen as they grow. My guess is that the pain is making his "terrible two's" worse. We're going to try Tylenol right when we get home from work to try to see if pain is making a difference. He really can be such a sweet baby!

My migraines are really bad. So far, on April 22, I've had 14 migraines in the month. I am up to two Gabapentin pills a day, and the therapeutic dose is three. Tomorrow, I will be able to increase the dosage to three. I'm hoping so much that it helps and that my body can tolerate the pills. Wednesday, I'm going with my friend, Whitney, to a healing service at her church. I cannot even begin to imagine what it would be like to live without pain...it would be amazing! Right now, my husband said he wakes up every day wondering if I will be in pain or if one of us is going to be sick. We just don't get a break. On the very few days we do, we live it up. That's one reason we went to the beach last weekend...we all felt good!

I have not been able to spend much time reading my Bible lately because it hurts to read with the migraines. That is really frustrating for me, and I try to read whenever I'm not in pain. I do listen to sermons online while I'm working so that I'm getting some Word in me even when I can't read. Something has to change. I'm holding a basket of lemons, and I'm doing the best I can to have a good attitude in the midst of this. But it's been almost 2 years now, and I'm tired. I want Jule to be a healthy little boy, and I want to be a pain-free, healthy Mama. Praying for major changes at the healing service even if it's just in my ability to have a good attitude.

To the Beach

2010-04-18T18:57:00.000-07:00

Today was a beautiful day in the 70's, so we decided to take Jule to the beach for the first time.

He was incredibly unimpressed, but we did get some cute pictures!

Daddy, why did you bring me here?

I don't like it here. I want to go home now!

Ok, I'll pose for another picture.

It's not so bad when Daddy is holding your hand.

Noly was cold but very happy to be at the beach!

Look, I have wings like Tinkerbell!

I'm a cute little beach bum!

Overall, we had a nice time despite Jule's crying. It was so nice to have all four of us feeling well that we took full advantage of the day! I'm hoping we have MANY more days like this!

Disney World?

2010-04-13T17:26:00.001-07:00

I am a musician/accountant, and my husband is a computer geek/wastewater tech. I am an introvert; he is an extrovert. I like 4 Him, and he likes Pink Floyd. I am quiet; he is loud. We are opposites with so many things, but we do have one thing in common: our love for Disney World. As he sat looking at a paper, I asked him what he was doing. He told me he was looking for anniversary gift ideas for me. I told him all I wanted was a couple of days in Disney with him and the kids...or we could get gifts for each other. There was no question that what we both wanted was Disney World. We went there for our honeymoon, and we go back every chance we get. Since we had the kids, we have to make the trips shorter, but they are just as magical if not more! So, plans are in the works for a two-day run to Disney. We need the break, we need the magic...we need the joy! We need to wish up on star...j/k.

Noly is just a tad excited about the trip...

Stop

2010-04-06T16:54:00.000-07:00

Can we? As mothers? Really stop? I've decided to do that tonight.

Jule came down with a tummy bug Saturday morning, and I ended up spending the whole day cleaning up and/or trying to console him. Then, I had a migraine Easter morning, so Kevin took the kids to his parents' house. I took my Imitrex and a Phenergan since the migraine was making me nauseous, figuring I could sleep it off while the house was empty and quiet. About 30 minutes later, I got a call from Kevin that Noly was now sick and would for sure start vomiting any time. Yep, she was sick too. She started vomiting around 3:30 or 4 and had continued at least 25 times by 9:30. She was so sick and lethargic that we ended up taking her to the ER. Kevin took her while I stayed home with a very fussy, screaming Jule and also tried to clean everything up. I finally got Jule down by 11 pm but was very worried about Noly. They gave her Zofran and said she would have to be admitted if she vomited anymore. Thankfully, the Zofran helped! I have never seen her so weak and unresponsive, even with other tummy bugs. My heart is still broken thinking about how much pain she was in and how much she was suffering. I just can't stand to see them suffer.

So, I have spent the past few days cleaning up, tending to sick little ones, trying to work when they and I were all well enough, cleaning some more, making meals, running to the store for whatever sounded good to Noly to eat...you get the picture. Tonight, I'm recovering from a day-long migraine and I was just about to mop the floor, and I started to think about it. Does it really matter if the floor gets mopped? Nope. Does it really matter if I stop and rest? Yes, I need to. Sometimes, I don't think we give ourselves permission to rest and just let it be enough. We've done enough. The laundry can wait, the floors will still be there tomorrow, the toys can be all over the floor...it's ok. And not just to play with our kids. We sometimes need time to just "be." That's what I'm giving my Type A self permission to do tonight...nothing! Please join me. I know you need it!

Due Dates

2010-03-29T11:27:00.001-07:00

March 19 marked the 6th anniversary of my due date for our first baby that we lost, Hannah Elizabeth. Today, March 29, marks the 2nd anniversary of my due date for the 8th and final baby we lost, Payton Claire. The other 6 losses in between were very early losses, and I don't remember the due dates. Hannah and Payton were with me for 11 weeks and 8 weeks, respectively; and I treasure the moments I had with each of them.

With Hannah, I was still in the Master's Program, so I was working full-time, going to school at night, and coming home exhausted. After 9 years of infertility, I shared my new pregnancy with everyone I was in daily contact with. I was devastated when I found out that her heart had stopped beating. With Payton, I was to the point where I expected her heart to stop beating, so I wasn't a bit surprised. It was still devastating, but it was very different. We had done a Frozen Embryo Transfer, so it was quite a challenge just to get to the point of pregnancy in the first place. Then, I was very sick for the weeks I was pregnant. I chose not to tell most people because I just didn't know if the pregnancy would last.

I know that all 8 of my children are in heaven around the throne of God, and that gives me great comfort. I find that I am sad sometimes when I think of who my babies could have been, but the two babies that came to be with me on this earth bring me an amazing amount of comfort and fulfillment. They bring me so much joy and much laughter for all the tears that I shed. Like Noly, who just cannot understand why I prefer pants and do not like dresses and skirts. After all, I am a girl!! And like Jule, who loudly roared when he saw a picture of lion during the communion at church on Sunday. I love my 10 little gifts, and we will all spend forever in heaven together. God has truly fulfilled His word "He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD." Psalm 113:9

On a different note, Brandi is doing awesome! They took the balloon heart pump out on Saturday, and they took the vent out yesterday! She is doing well, is sitting up, and even left a short video message thanking those who have been praying for her. We have truly witnessed a miracle in our family! When the doctors said there was nothing more they could do, God did! Maybe when she is much better, I could do a blog interview with her. She also went through many years of infertility before getting pregnant with her 1-year-old, Isaac. Thank you all for praying!

Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty

2010-03-26T09:35:00.001-07:00

Last night, they had a time of worship in Brandi's ICU room. They sang Revelation Song, which is one of my favorite worship songs right now. Brandi was lifting her hand in worship as they sang around her bed. It is so touching to see how God's presence is totally permeating the hospital room, and He is bringing refreshing and encouragement to my family. I firmly believe that God is ministering to Brandi while she is laying there. Joe posted this as his Facebook status: "Brandi will have many things to share when she's out of here, but I want to share one thing 1st. We were all worshiping (Rev song) One part says filled with wonder at the mention of His name. I asked her after if that was now true for her bcuz we talked a couple wks ago about how it wasn't really for either one of us but we desired it. She shook her head yes she is. Praise the name of Jesus for revealing Himself." How precious is that!

I believe that, with God, all things are possible! Yesterday, I was reading in Mark 5. Verses 35-43 are about Jairus' daughter..."While Jesus was still speaking, some men came from the house of Jairus, the synagogue ruler. "Your daughter is dead," they said. "Why bother the teacher any more?" Ignoring what they said, Jesus told the synagogue ruler, "Don't be afraid; just believe."
He did not let anyone follow him except Peter, James and John the brother of James. When they came to the home of the synagogue ruler, Jesus saw a commotion, with people crying and wailing loudly. He went in and said to them, "Why all this commotion and wailing? The child is not dead but asleep." But they laughed at him. After he put them all out, he took the child's father and mother and the disciples who were with him, and went in where the child was. He took her by the hand and said to her, "Talitha koum!" (which means, "Little girl, I say to you, get up!" ). Immediately the girl stood up and walked around (she was twelve years old). At this they were completely astonished. He gave strict orders not to let anyone know about this, and told them to give her something to eat." We serve the same God that raised Jairus' daughter, and I am praying that God will bring strength to Brandi's fragile heart. I pray that she will live to tell others of how God touched both her physical heart and her spiritual heart!

Silence

2010-03-25T10:56:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have been feeling so silent. That's one reason I haven't posted much. The other reason is that I'm having very frequent migraines and can barely look at the computer screen sometimes. I plan to start the new medication that the Neurologist wanted me to try tomorrow night so that I have the whole weekend to see if my body will accept it or not. It is called Neurontin, and you take it 3x a day. I totally don't mind taking pills around the clock if they help!

Right now, my heart is so sad. My cousin Joe's wife, Brandi, is very sick in the hospital and may not make it. She had some Crohn's complications on Monday and is now in the ICU with a newly-discovered heart condition. She is 28 and has two sons, 12 and 1. My heart aches at the thought of her not making it, and we are all praying for a miracle...for the restoration of her heart. Her blood pressure is so low that they can't fully sedate her, so my understanding is that she is communicating some by writing and mouthing words. Last night, her church had a prayer service with praise and worship and they played it in her room via a speakerphone. Right there from her hospital bed, she was worshipping right along with the congregation. I'm praying that God is doing a work in her physical heart that only He can do. The doctors have done all they can and are just watching her. I'm praying that they see a miraculous recovery and that Brandi will live a long life. If you would, I would love it if you would agree with me in prayer.

The song that keeps running through my head is "Need You Here" by Hillsong. Here is the portion that is playing in my head:

I need You here
I need You here
You're like the rain that falls
Fall on this heart and make me new.

God, please give Brandi a new heart. Please bring restoration to her body and life to her blood.

Recent Happenings

2010-03-16T09:32:00.000-07:00

A lot has been going on recently, and I'll try to post what I can in as little words as possible:

We went to Palatka, FL on March 5-7 to see Marty Magehee in concert. We left on Friday afternoon, and we were at the hotel by early evening. The kids were so good on the way down thanks to our wonderful DVD player and some delicious snacks! When we were almost to our hotel, we drove by a really cool castle playground. We pointed it out to Noly and told her we would take her there the next day. She really enjoyed herself but would have been happier if I hadn't taken pictures of her!

This was Jule's first time actually playing at a playground because he has been too young to do much. Well, he was still too young to do much but walk around, but he had a wonderful time exploring. Kevin followed Noly, and I followed Jule. We stayed until Noly asked to go get some food!

Saturday afternoon, we all tried to take a nap. Jule decided he would scream and reject the pack n play, so I put him in bed with us. They all took a nice long nap, but Jule crowded me out of the bed, and I was getting a severe migraine. I decided to go get some ice to put on my head, and as I walked by one of the doors, I heard a familiar voice singing. I knocked on the door, and out came Marty. We talked in the hallway for a few minutes, then I went and laid down with my icepack.

The concert that night was amazing! God's presence was there in a very vivid way. I so needed to just sit in God's presence and listen, and He spoke so much to my heart. There was a nice refreshment time after the concert, but my migraine was full-blown by that time, and Kevin had developed a sinus headache. So, we went to the hotel, ate some dinner, and put the kids to bed.

The drive home was rough for me because I had maxed out on my migraine medicine, and I still had a migraine. We ended up stopping at a hotel about half-way home because I was in too much pain to even talk. After eating, sleeping and taking more meds, we were able to get back home at a decent time.

The next morning, Jule woke up with croup. I am happy to report that he was able to get through the croup without a trip to the ER! I'm hoping that he gets a stronger respiratory system as he gets older! Today, I took him in for a sinus infection, but that's nothing compared to croup going haywire on us!

I ended up getting 7 severe migraines in the first 11 days of March, so I decided to bite the bullet and take the preventive meds that I had wanted to avoid. I started Depakote on Saturday and was up sick a lot of Saturday night. I decided to try one more pill, and my stomach felt fine, but I felt like I was losing my mind. I couldn't sleep, was agitated, wanted to crawl out of my skin and felt like I could not concentrate. Kevin called the neurologist on call, and they said to take an Ativan and no more Depakote. So, that's preventive #4 that hasn't worked for one reason or another. I go back to the Neuro Thursday to see what his next plan is. I so badly want to get these migraines to stop. I feel like I'm missing so much enjoyment of my kids' younger years. I love playing with them and delighting in them, and that's hard to do when their little voices make your head hurt worse.

At the concert, Marty read the first few verses of Psalm 40:

"I waited patiently for the LORD; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry. He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings. And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the LORD."

I'm praying that He brings me out of the "pit" of migraines, that my quality of life improves. Even if He doesn't, I'm so grateful and so in love with the little gifts of life He has given me. And even if He doesn't, He will still be my Praise and my Glory.

"Till I Entered the Sanctuary..."

2010-03-01T11:58:00.000-08:00

I feel like collapse is on the horizon. We have been sick now for awhile, and I'm getting really sick and tired of being sick and tired. The exploratory surgery went well, and Jule is back to his happy little self again. All last week, my ears were hurting. I ignored it because I didn't want to spend any more money on doctors and because I was trying to get Jule figured out. Since Jule is now better, I went to the doctor this morning. My eustachian tubes are both non-functioning, and I am in so much pain. She gave me decongestant and a nasal spray to try to get them back open, but if they don't, I may need tubes. Grrr! I'm so frustrated!!!

As I was reading Psalm 37, verse 17a stuck out at me..."till I entered the sanctuary of God..." That is where I'm going to find my rest, my peace, my strength for whatever is coming next...the presence of God. The first few verses of Psalm 37 talk about the apparent success of the wicked (including good health), and I found myself relating to David's frustration. Then, there is a transition, a peace, that happens from verse 17 on. This life is not what it is all about. It doesn't really make it easier, but it does redirect my focus. I need some time in His sanctuary!

Exploratory Surgery

2010-02-26T10:19:00.000-08:00

This morning, Jule had exploratory surgery to check out his adenoid site. He has been so unhappy, has not been sleeping, and has not been drinking; so we and his doctors agreed that it was necessary. Everything looked good. The ENT did find more adenoid tissue that he could have removed, but he decided to leave it alone since Jule has had a hard enough time as it is (WISE man!). Jule woke up from anesthesia very peaceful and drank an entire sippy of juice before we could get to the car. I was so glad that he did not wake up screaming again! It is so hard to see him like that.

Yesterday, the ENT's office called and told us to be at the office by 6:45 am. I was concerned that Noly may have to go with us, and I didn't want her to see him screaming and upset because I didn't want it to upset her. I prayed about it as I walked from my office to the bathroom, and when I walked into the bathroom, I got a text. Elissa texted me to ask if we needed help with Noly. Talk about a quick answer to prayer! That lifted such a weight off my shoulders. Kevin took Noly to Elissa's after dropping Jule and I off and was back at the ENT's in time to wait on Jule's surgery. Everything went so smoothly, and I am so thankful for that!

Since the surgery didn't answer any of our questions, we still need to find out what is wrong with Jule. We talked to the ENT and decided to stop his antibiotics because he was on 4 different ones from 12/7/09-1/8/10 for ear infections. Then, he went back on amoxicillin on 2/8 and has been on it ever since. I want to see what he does when he gets a rest from them to see if his happiness returns. I also wonder if he suddenly won't drink his milk because the first surgery made it taste funny to him? So, we're trying to switch and see if he drinks more. If none of this works, we'll go back to the Pediatrician to explore further possibilities. I'm praying he is back to his normal self (minus the ear infections) soon!

Jule

2010-02-24T11:39:00.001-08:00

Well, it has been 9 days since Jule's adenoid removal, and he is still very fussy. We took him to the ENT on Monday, and he said we may have to put him back under and get a look at the adenoid removal site if he doesn't stop crying. He should only have had pain for 2-3 days. The weekend was very difficult with fevers and screaming episodes. We barely got any sleep and ended up calling Kevin's parents and asking them to take Noly. We just couldn't give her any attention with all of the attention Jule needed.

I really don't want to have Jule put under again if we can help it, but I also want to do what is best for him and what is necessary. It is breaking my heart to watch him suffer...to see him in pain, and there seems to be nothing much we can do for him. He wants to be held non-stop, but that's just not possible. I'm praying for wisdom and insight into what is hurting him so that we can help him feel better. I would gladly take his pain if it would bring him relief.